When people say 'let me know if there is anything I can do to help'

[OutofSyncGirl]

They don't actually mean it. And even if they did they often say it in regard to a situation in which they know there's nothing they can do even if they wanted to.

When people say things for the sake of it it annoys me.

I mean it. I really like helping people out!

It's much easier to accept an offer of help than it is to ask for it. I never know if it's sincere or not, so I never ask. When it feels like your world is falling apart it can be difficult to know exactly what needs to be done, because it all seems so unimportant anyway

When my friend was dying, I said this to her DH. He brushed me off. I rephrased “tell me what I can do, don’t be shy to ask”. I ended up doing lots of practical things for him,stuff that needed doing but he couldn’t whilst nursing his wife.

I don’t use “What can I do to help?” as a platitude at all.

ok - people have taken specific to the extreme!

but for instance I hate driving, I am alone with 2 kids - so I'm not the person to ask for a lift after bedtime unless its a dire emergency.

but I do go shopping every Monday, I cook every night, I am around at the weekends, I work in town, I clean, I'm good with kids etc

when I was desperate for help, I found people generally didn't mean 'if there was anything I needed' the reality was 'anything they CAN do' so knowing what they can do was a helpful starting point.

I say it to my friend alot because she's going through a tough time with a sick parent, and I mean it. If she needed someone to sit with her children late at night (incase parent gets taken ill), needs groceries getting or anything at all else that I can't think of right now, I'd be there for her. She's knows it but I also know she's unlikely to ask often.

Bizarrely just received the attached. And yes I may take them up on it

Totally agree, my DC was recently in hospital for 3 weeks, I'm a single parent and have another DC. I had quite a few let us know if you need anything, it just seemed a bit meaningless as those who genuinely wanted to help actually offered it, e.g offering help having DC after school, visiting us, bringing food, offering to house sit etc.

If I'm in a similar position I always offer whatever help or support I actually am willing to do so they can either accept or decline but saying "let us know" just makes you feel awkward in what you reply/ask them to help with!

I always mean it, no one ever actually asks though.

youthrew sometimes its hard when its worded like that, because you don't know what "help" they can/want to offer. Like if you replied and said please could you do xyz you don't want to feel you are then taking the mick or putting that person out.

i only say it if i mean it

if i don't hear anything back i up contact or post a little something

Yeah I get that AppleFlapjack but I also try asking directly can i do x and I always get no too so then I'll say that.
I'm guessing the reason people say no is they don't believe me or something I don't know, but I'd always help people if they needed it and I could.

I always mean it. We got a few offers of help when FIL died, I took most of them up on it. We also asked for specific favours (mainly ferrying kids to activities). MIL got lots of offers of help as well, her neighbours offered all the family accomodation for the funeral which was amazing. I think most people are happy to help in these kind of situations.

I mean it! Wouldn’t say it otherwise.

It's difficult because people want/need different things. All very well to say, just turn up with food for them, but do you know their dietary habits well enough? And is someone else already bringing food for them? It can be overwhelming, when you're in difficult circumstances, to have 50 casseroles turn up when you don't have the storage space, for instance.

Luckily I have lots of friends who say that and mean it, I was injured earlier in the year and needed a lot of help. Most people meant it and were great at picking my children up and helping me with shopping etc. I was ridiculously grateful!! There is one neighbour who is always helping people, according to her facebook posts, but in fact, when actually asked directly to do something to help, never actually does.

I say it, what I mean by it is that I don't know how to help so please tell me.

I say it sometimes if I really don't know what specifically the person might want. And I always mean it.

e.g. recently a friend's mum died (friend is an adult). It wasn't much use offering to cook etc. because of the distances involved, no kids to bring to school ... nothing obvious I could do. So I offered generic help and was very pleased to be of service when friend asked me to prepare booklets for the funeral - not the sort of thing I would ever have thought of offering to do but in fact exactly up my street.

I always mean it too.

Im a shit cook, but will happily walk the dog, dig the garden etc.

I don’t offer help when offering false platitudes. So whenever I do make the offer it’s genuine; I think that’s the case for most people.

I always mean it. And if you haven't taken people up on it after they've said it, how do you know they didn't mean it?

If I say it, I mean it.

I’ve said it. And meant it. But with caveats - I can’t not pick my 4yr old up from Nursery if my dh is out of town. And it would need to be life or death before I got him out of bed in the middle of the night to go see a friend again when dh is away. I would also struggle to not go into work to support a friend.
I’m not sorry to say that caring for my child and keeping my job come ahead of supporting friends.

If I say it I mean it.

I learned who my real friends were when my boyfriend died, every one said call if you need me, my real friends came when I needed them, the others were always busy.

I’d drop everything and travel a long way if any of my friends needed me, I’m sure the friends I have now would do the same thing.

I have this at the moment!

DD’s nursery friend’s mum is struggling with HG and her DH is abroad. I don’t know what to offer but I have asked her to tell me what I can do to help.

My mother once told me I was selfish because I asked for help that I actually wanted rather than just taking the "help" that was offered. This always seemed to me like the wrong way round - it's only helping the person if it's something "helpful" to them!