When people say 'let me know if there is anything I can do to help'

[OutofSyncGirl]

They don't actually mean it. And even if they did they often say it in regard to a situation in which they know there's nothing they can do even if they wanted to.

When people say things for the sake of it it annoys me.

I hate it when people say this to me, as I know I won’t receive any help. I have even contacted a few people before when they’ve ‘offered to do anything to help,’ only to have them wriggle out of it completely.

I have one friend who will always help in whatever way he can. The difference with him is that he just offers to do a particular thing for you, or range of things. For example, he helped me clear out my classroom on his day off and store all of my shite, he has given me numerous lifts, and has paid for food and drinks for me when I’ve been really skint - each thing he has ever helped with has been his suggestion.

If I say this, I mean. So does everyone else I know. I think it is a little unkind to say people only say it for the sake of saying something but don’t mean it.

I only say it when I want to help!
I do think though that people don't like to ask for help (including myself) and actually I need to ask for help more. Particularly when I know the people offering can help with little hassle to themselves (eg neighbour bringing my child home from school with her DC if I am ill.)

I would mean it if I said it. That doesn't automatically mean though that I can always do whatever they ask.
For example if someone asked if I could come and help the bedtime routine, when my dc were younger I couldn't have done that. Now the dc are older it would be possible, so I probably would be happy to come and help.

It would depend on how close the friendship as to how much I would drop and run and how much an emergency.
So in the above scenario a call saying friend had to take child A into A&E urgently could I come and look after child B I would drop and run (and have done) even for people I don't know very well. My OH is on deployment and I want to go out to my weekly meeting I would do if I was free, but I wouldn't not do something I was already booked for.

I tend not to offer specific things as often when people have done that for me it hasn't been something I've particularly needed, and then I feel mean saying I don't need it.

I absolutely mean it when I say it - I said it on Friday morning and I hope the person I said it too would ask for help if they needed it. Unfortunately we're not that close hence me not just turning up at her house as I would with others. However if she asked me to pick up her son so she could deal with all the stuff she has going on at the moment I would without a seconds hesitation!

I don't always know what help somebody might want/need, so I tend to say it as in your OP. If I know what help somebody might want , I will offer that if I can. I would rather somebody tells me they need me to vacuum, go shopping or whatever, than to be like the previous example where people assumed that the best thing was to take the children out, when actually, it was probably the last thing they needed at that time.

Yes. YABU, as you can see from 4 pages of replies.

Most people do mean it.
If you stick around MN for even a couple of days though, you will find that people have different things they like and things they don't like. Most people don't want to 'presume' you'd like x, y, or z, as that might be the last thing you want (as per a couple of examples upthread). People are happy for you to ask them though, which it seems a lot of people on MN are reticent to do. That is what they are telling you when they say it though - I will help you, if you tell me what I can do.

Well I am glad to hear that some people actually mean it!

I remember after my mother died my dad went away and told me “not to worry, everyone has offered to help.”

Not one of the oh so eager to help bossy gits were prepared to take me to hospital! Had to walk there with a toddler while heavily pregnant.

They don't actually mean it. And even if they did they often say it in regard to a situation in which they know there's nothing they can do even if they wanted to.

I always mean it and even if I can't think of anything I can do to help right now , I hope that the other person might be able to use my offer in the future

I mean it. Usually people don't take you up on it. Some years ago I did a neighbours front garden for over a year whilst her dd was been treated for leukemia. Now in the grand scale of dealing with leukemia I'm sure this was nothing. But they had closer friends and family to do the big stuff. So I did 1 small thing so they didn't have to think about it.

I mean it when I say it.

I'm another who says it and does really mean it; even if the help needed requires driving half way round the country in the middle of the night, and even for people I may not even know in person. Isn't that part of being part of a community and a part of the human race? I tend to think we and us before me and mine, maybe it's just a different mindset in some way? (Sorry, rambling due to pain meds so hope there was some sense in there somewhere!?)

If j say it, I mean it

I think sometimes you don't even know what you need. When dh died suddenly five years ago, lots of people told me to ask if I needed anything and I had no idea where to start. One neighbour turned up at 10:30pm each night for weeks and emptied my dishwasher and gave me a hug. Another friend texted me good morning every day for a whole year and two groups of friends told me they were coming over each week and did just that for 1-2 years too. They were simply awesome. The only thing I would add here is that if you know someone in this sort of situation, sadly, like me, they might still need help (and I am absolutely rubbish at asking for it, even now.)

Similar to zigzag I have said it recently to someone I know but not well but did mean it. Even if was just bringing her something to read.

We had some shitty times last year and I do appreciate the folks who offered help (even though we didn't take them up on it) or at least acknowledged what had happened.

I only say it if I mean it and think I could help in said situation.

I would also ask for help if needed BUT the one time I would have loved to ask the three ladies who had offered, it was fathers day and I really didn’t think I could ask other families to help with my kids!

I think people think they mean it but really they mean “let me know if there is anything I can do to help and I can be bothered.”

I do mean it when I say it. But I only say it when I know I can do something to help if asked.
Recently helped a friend with some organising/decluttering that was just too much for them to cope with mentally. Friend has returned the favour by offering to do some work in our garden when the weather's better.

DH helped a friend out a while back with some car-related maintenance stuff, his friend took us out to dinner when we were tired and needed a break.

Unless you are a customer then I think this probably genuine.

When something awful happened to me I found that everybody and his dog offered to help me.
When I asked people for ‘ help’ which consisted of a) helping me to clean a rental property which was filthy but I was willing to pay her to help and b) meeting up for a coffee to help take my mind off things and feel normal again .....well, i discovered that in actual fact people just wanted to find out every part of my tale of tragedy and woe and didn’t really want to help. They just wanted to gossip.

I don’t ask for help now and I have removed these false people from my life. A tragedy certainly helps you sort out the wheat from the chaff.

I don't say it because I don't know how I can help, but then I seem rude next to other people...

Not read the thread but I agree with your OP. I think, from my experience, people often say it to make themselves feel as if they are helpful but don't actually want you to take them up on it

I do hate it when people offer platitudes they don't mean. From the other side I usually am prepared to help but I never know how to offer so that people feel free to actually accept. If someone's having a hard time I don't want to intrude and force unwanted help on them but I'd love it if there was something I could actually do to be helpful.

Usually my offer of help comes with suggestions (e.g. can I do anything to help? Pick up kids? Drop round some dinner? etc.). Still I know people don't always feel comfortable accepting.

My partner was laid up with a badly broken leg and we were moving house (you know how it is - once you've sold, you have to move when the sate is agreed and the leg was newly broken). People said this 'let us know if there's anything we can do to help' thing and so I asked some of them to help me with getting enough boxes for the packing (not with the actual packing, you understand).

The best response I got was 'Go down the supermarket and ask them'.