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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her I like her? (I’m straight)

108 replies

Malibuandpineapple32 · 29/04/2018 14:24

So I’m in my 30s and always had relationships with men,never found a woman attractive.
A year or so I was introduced to a woman through a mutual friend.
I started to enjoy being around her,loved when my friend said she was joining us on a night out.
I think we flirted.
Anyway I think I like her,what do I do?
Say anything?
She knows I’m straight but I kind of like her.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/04/2018 15:21

Get your head straight first (pardon the pun) before you mess this woman about. Be honest with yourself about your motivations.

I have a gay friend who often has straight women flirting with her. It appears they just want the thrill of "winning" the attraction of a lesbian. They aren't interested in doing anything. It's a weird ego boost for them.

My point being, decide what you want first. If you can't see yourself sleeping with her, then don't mess her about for your own entertainment.

AjasLipstick · 29/04/2018 15:22

Lavendar the term is used in various ways and I know the culture thanks.

OP is saying she DOES NOT WANT TO SLEEP WITH THE WOMAN.

SO she's fucking around with her emotions.

She'll get short shrift though if the woman knows what she's about.

And I'm not jealous...of what? OP "fancying" a woman when she doesn't really? Hmm

I have little interest in OP's business other than a protective feeling towards a culture which gets enough shit as it is.

lavendargreen · 29/04/2018 15:24

@Daxter

Providing she tells the other woman that all she's doing is fucking around then sure, do whatever you want but women who lead actual lesbians on for entertainment without being open about what they want are arseholes.

I said this to @ajaslipstick and i will say the same to you

The OP is doing nothing wrong; she is just curious, and although primarily straight, is slightly attracted to another female. Happens to lots of people, so quit trying to make her feel shit for not being 'enough of a lesbian!' Confused

You don't get to make up the rules and tell people who they should behave.*

Like @Ajas, you sound a bit jealous.

And maybe she WILL want to sleep with her eventually. Who knows?

It's got fuckall to do with anyone else. So people need to keep their bitter little derogatory digs to themselves!

Pastaagain78 · 29/04/2018 15:25

I think you have a crush. I wouldn’t say anything unless your feeling deepen. It’s not fair on her otherwise. Give it some time to see where these feelings go.

AjasLipstick · 29/04/2018 15:26

What on earth are you wittering on about with the "jealous" shite?

I'm married to a man! I have no interest in who fancies who and who's after a bit of a thrill Lavender.

I do, as I said...want to encourage people not to make tits of themselves running around saying they fancy women when they quite blatantly don;t.

AjasLipstick · 29/04/2018 15:27

And maybe she WILL want to sleep with her eventually. Who knows

Grin

Oh right! That's fine then!

I am sure the woman will be happy to wait about whilst OP flirts with her and decides.

Not.

CatchingBabies · 29/04/2018 15:27

No lesbians really don't call women like this "lipstick lesbians" that has a totally different meaning as explained a few times already.

Bi-curious would generally be the term given to a straight woman who is curious but not sure and there's nothing wrong with that!

What the OP does about it is up to her and she hasn't once suggested making the friend think there is a future etc. plus the friend is aware she's straight I assume so I'm not really sure what your issue with the OP is?

Many women are curious at times, she won't be the first or last and it's up to the OP and her friend wether they want to explore that.

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 29/04/2018 15:29

Speaking as a bisexual woman myself I totally get where you're coming from because the line between friendship and flirtation isn't always obvious.

That said - you have to consider your friend's feelings in this. You don't sound at all sure and what you don't want to do is tell your friend you like her and potentially ignite feelings if you aren't sure and could change your mind. I've found it so hurtful when 'straight' girls have done that to me in the past.

I think you can still talk to your friend about it if you want to but you should be honest and say you aren't certain so that she knows what (if anything) she's getting into.

velourvoyageur · 29/04/2018 15:30

What EatSleep said

Do keep her feelings in mind before your own, take responsibility yourself for protecting her from your own uncertainty - in this scenario, what's at stake for you is that your curiosity might go unsatisfied, but if she is gay/bi (?) she could end up hurt. We trust adults, when they express their feelings to us using unambiguous words or actions, to be confident that these feelings are stable and solid. If yours are not then you need to spell that out so she can make an informed decision, rather than saying 'I like you' and leaving her to assume the obvious. If you do get closer to her but remain uncertain, I would say exactly what you've said her - 'I'm not sure I could have sex with you' - this will naturally put her off but it's the kind thing to do.
I mean if you were asexual but looking to date men, you would be upfront about this before you started dating them, no?

At the very least do be absolutely upfront with her at all times and if you catch yourself leading her on at all, remember it's better for you to miss out and think 'what if' than to allow her to invest in a one-sided relationship.

I haven't experienced this myself but it's vv common for straight women not to be upfront re: their 'experimenting', esp now 'queer' is replacing 'LGB' while being pushed as cool and trendy, and, just a heads up, tbh I think in some lesbian circles your post would get short shrift, as it's a well-known thing, as Aja mentioned.

Daxter · 29/04/2018 15:32

I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to be jealous of the woman who gets the pleasure of flirting with a straight woman or the straight woman who's looking for permission to play at flirting with a lesbian... but I'm not sure you actually know what 'jealous' means either way.

BamBamIsALittleShit · 29/04/2018 15:32

The OP hasn't had sex with a woman before (as far as I can make out) so she doesn't know yet if she wants to do that or not. She likes this woman, and it could evolve beyond what the OP ever thought was possible for her.

This doesn't make her a "lipstick lesbian", how is she supposed to figure out her sexuality otherwise? Some of the posters on this thread have got seriously offended about fuck all. I'm not sure how a person who formerly identified as straight would know what it's like to have sex with a woman, and if they were that way inclined, without doing it first. People do experiment.

CatchingBabies · 29/04/2018 15:35

Exactly bambam!

And it's funny how it's the straight women not the lesbians on this thread that are getting offended. I do wish people would stop being offended on our behalfs 😂

Daxter · 29/04/2018 15:35

If you think that you need to have sex with somebody to 'figure out' whether you're attracted to that sex or not, you must think there are a Hell of a lot of confused people in the world.

CatchingBabies · 29/04/2018 15:37

I don't think it was said you need to have sex with someone to figure it out. But sometimes it does take something to hit you for you to go "ahh that's what that was". Everyone knew I was gay except me as a teen as I hadn't worked it out yet!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/04/2018 15:38

it's got fuck all to do with anyone else

Eh? OP's asked for opinions on a public forum.

The main thing that stands out to me is that OP is entirely focused on her own feelings- she might like her, she feels attracted to her, she's not sure... it's all a bit self absorbed.

There's nothing wrong with posters pointing out to the OP that she should have some consideration for her friend and her feelings before ploughing ahead with some grand announcement and possibly giving her the completely wrong idea.

OP don't use your friend if you want to experiment unless she is completely clear that you haven't a clue what you want.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/04/2018 15:38

Ah, thanks. I was using "lipstick lesbian" correctly then. (DD2 is definitely a lipstick lesbian).

lavendargreen · 29/04/2018 15:39

@ajaslipstick

Oh yes....she's "curious" so can toy with the emotions of lesbians. hmm I don't think so.

She said herself "I couldn't sleep with her" so she's just pissing about and having a little thrill.

Oh do quit trying to make out lebsians don't try it with straight girls 'just to see if they can...' I have seen it happen.

ajaslipstick

I have little interest in OP's business other than a protective feeling towards a culture which gets enough shit as it is.

And quit painting lesbians as 'victims' and getting offended on behalf of others. It's cringeworthy.

Imchangingmyname · 29/04/2018 15:39

@Ajaslipstick

You sound as though you are speaking from bitter experience and are projecting onto the OP. You know nothing about either woman's situation apart from the fact one is gay and the other curious!

OP, if you are in social situations together, just see how it goes. Don't think about the fact she is a woman, just get to know her a bit better and see what happens.

velourvoyageur · 29/04/2018 15:39

To be 100% honest I don't know any lesbian IRL who wants to date a 'bicurious' person.
I would advise a 'bicurious' person to find someone who feels the same. There are more than enough people in my dating pool who are definitely and happily attracted to women, so why would I choose someone who is likely to mess me around, or, if I'm looking for a hookup, has no experience of lesbian sex because she's not even sure that she's not actually repulsed by the idea of going down on a woman.

Dancingleopard · 29/04/2018 15:41

It’s just a girl crush.

If you were in to her you’d be thinking about shagging her.

lavendargreen · 29/04/2018 15:41

@bambam

The OP hasn't had sex with a woman before (as far as I can make out) so she doesn't know yet if she wants to do that or not. She likes this woman, and it could evolve beyond what the OP ever thought was possible for her.

This doesn't make her a "lipstick lesbian", how is she supposed to figure out her sexuality otherwise? Some of the posters on this thread have got seriously offended about fuck all. I'm not sure how a person who formerly identified as straight would know what it's like to have sex with a woman, and if they were that way inclined, without doing it first. People do experiment.

@Catchingbabies

And it's funny how it's the straight women not the lesbians on this thread that are getting offended. I do wish people would stop being offended on our behalfs 😂

Exactly this ^ and that is what I said. It makes me cringe!

Cindie943811A · 29/04/2018 15:42

OP it is possible to fall in love with a woman without being a lesbian. However if you do not feel any physical attraction then it is unlikely you are in love or in a position to take the relationship further. Be a friend but don’t mislead her, it’s hard enough being in the minority, as it is.

Original poster
Malibuandpineapple32 · 29/04/2018 15:44

I would never do anything to hurt her and I wouldn’t say anything to mess her around because I honestly don’t have a clue Hand on heart what I feel myself.
Il be honest it’s silly things like “ooh she’s just liked my post on Facebook and getting that fluttery feeling”
Or being excited in her company and feeling a bit sad when it’s time to leave.
I am attracted to her and she makes me smile but I’ve never so much as kissed a woman so I don’t know if what I’m feeling is attraction or a different type of friebdship.
I honestly don’t know.

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 29/04/2018 15:46

Can’t you just see what happens rather than declaring your feelings?

Original poster
Malibuandpineapple32 · 29/04/2018 15:46

I don’t like any other women bar this women and haven’t.
I just like being around her but it feels different than being around other friends.
I can’t explain it better..sorry
I don’t have a clue...hopefully it will go away

OP posts: