Worried about my lack of 'care', teacher.

[pollypebble]

First time poster. I am a teacher, have been for 15 years.
Get excellent results and feedback from parents, students and SMT.

Lately I have been having intrusive ' couldn't care less' thoughts at work, for example, a student talks to me about a problem. I obviously appear to care, and give the right advice and follow professional protocol.

My work, as such is not affected. I just don't care anymore, I can appear to care and appear to be the same but in my head I think this is just a job to pay the bills

I used to care. Can't say I was any different as a teacher.
Does it matter that I don't actually care, that I pretend to?
If I was a parent Id be shocked to think teachers think like this. In my head I actively dislike many students and parents, see them as privileged and entitled ( I work in an independent school)

Should I leave teaching? I can't afford to really. Am very conflicted, would appreciate some genuine advice, not a roasting. Thank you

I don’t think not caring is the OP’s problem. Anyone who cries themselves to sleep and says she can’t stand the pressure is not someone just putting the hours in for the paycheck. It’s someone working too hard for too little reward (not just monetary). Is some time off with stress an option? Or reducing hours? Are there specific things at work that, if they changed, would make life a bit easier?
I suspect when you are less miserable your feelings caring will return.

Emotional labour is tiring, and a great deal is asked of you on a daily basis. You are under no obligation to give it, and you can still be a good person and do a good job even without it.

Take care of yourself, and don't beat yourself up about this.

One thing about your post strikes me particularly, and that is the part where you talk about working in an independent school and feeling that people are privileged and entitled. Might you be happier in a different setting, where your values are better aligned with the ethos? (e.g. a state school, or an independent school with a different culture?). Do you feel like want to leave teaching altogether, or just this particular job/school?

I have never cared about any of the jobs I have had. Just Pretend. Doesn't really matter if you don't really feel it.

My OH is a teacher , with a pastoral role. He is very good at his job with a reputation for having an excellent way with difficult kids who no one can cope with. He is known for being firm but fair.
He is just now writing reports, and has been telling me the things he’d really like to say. He genuinely dislikes the nasty or entitled kids who push others around.
But He is still patient, fair and boundaried with them.
While what you are saying does sound like you could do with a change, it doesn’t mean you are not good at your job. The change may benefit you though.

Put it this way -- would you be upset if you found out that your bank manager didn't care, and was just doing his job for the paycheck?

Probably not. It's ok not to; you can still do a good job.

For some reason emotional labour is expected more of women, and more in female-dominated industries/professions. Yet it isn't adequately remunerated or valued. Don't feel you have to give it.

A bit off topic, but interesting term "emotional labour". When I went to school in the 1970s, a fairly good but average (Catholic) school I should add, the teachers came in and delivered lessons to a quiet class usually. I don't remember any emotional labour as such. Now it seems that teachers are so involved and enthusiastic and motivated, dealing with so many problem behaviours etc, it must be verytiring in itself. The pupils seem to have much more of a 'relationship' with the teachers these days, seem to know more about them, have an opinion on them (!), the distance between the two seems to have been lost in part. Maybe part of that is good - our teachers didn't see it as their job to inspire or motivate us and aspirations were generally low. But it must also be very draining too to be always giving sooo much.

Teaching is now a martyrdom rather than a vocation.

I feel for you polly!

You care enough to care about not caring, so that's not really the same as not caring at all. I think you've become a bit detached as a survival mechanism, that's all.

For a few years, I was a parent standing in the playground of an independent school and, whisper it, there were quite a few families around who seemed privileged and entitled. I had the impression they felt they owned the souls of the teachers because they were paying.
So I am not surprised to hear how you are feeling.

One year my DS had a lovely, dedicated teacher who was finding that it was all getting too much. She was pushing onwards dutifully but her health was suffering. In the end she was able to arrange a job share and it worked out very well - no continuity problems. She benefited from the extra time for rest and recuperation and the children benefited from a refreshed teacher.

Is this something that might be doable for you?

As many have said already it's usual to feel like this, I taught successfully for over twenty years and I went through the motions of 'caring' but inside I didn't like having to be a social worker, counsellor etc, it wasn't what I signed up for. There were always those pupils for whom I felt genuine concern if they had problems and tried to help or advise but for the majority whatever I did would not solve their problems in the area in which I taught. One pupil summed it up after I'd spent a long time talking her problems through with her, That's great Miss, but at the end of the day I have to go back and live there, I don't live in a nice area like you probably do.
One person can't, with the best will in the world, solve all the problems.

Realistically, how much do you need to earn to make ends meet? What was your degree in? What skills do you have? Is there a job you really fancy doing?

I have to earn 2 grand a month. Hons degree in English and History, an MA and PGCE. Don't know where to begin with a career change.

I think you sound very burnt out. No it's not the norm and it's not my experience in the NHS. Yes it happens, but it's not the norm.
I think you need a break and some self care - time to focus on yourself psychologically for a while.

Op, you can still do a good job even if you don't 'care'. Is 'caring' in your job description anyway? Really not worth crying yourself to sleep over a bunch of entitled individuals. Smile and make the right noises while you consider your options.
Incidentally I think it disgusting we put teachers/nurses/frontline services under so much pressure and pay them a pittance to boot.

Single ( widowed, no children). No I know that 'caring' is not essential but I used to, a lot and I feel like a hypocrite and long term could not continue. I don't want to have a non caring narrative in my head.

Op, you either accept and embrace 'not caring' (very liberating actually) or you get out. Time to get out I think.

I started the year like this. In tears on inset day September cos I.just didn't give a shit and was so.fucking bored of trying to make kids who don't really wan t to learn leArn stuff. I know I'll have to ge t out at some point -probably the point my face doesn't fit/i get a dodgy set of results/ I have, but genuinely don't know what else to do. I love teaching kids, but my god am I sick of being responsible for them working, their results, their mental health, their university places.I'm sick of gcse classes who take it as a personal slight thst I'm trying to educate them so they can ha v ed a better fucking life. I'm sick of unions who talk about how much they do for us, but then tell us to.stop doing the things we need to do to keep slt off our backs. I'm sick of putting my own little kids second to my big kids. I'm sick of being anxious 50 weeks of the year. I'm sick of being told I'm in a good, well paid job when I earn the lowest of my friends.I'm sick of being scared to do anything at weekends cos I won't get any work.done. I'm sick of media handwringing about teachers leaving the profession, but without any outcry as to why.

I suspect its partly age related. I have found that I care less as I get older.

Btw, you sound very honest, not a hypocrite at all

To the people criticising : don't! Walk a mile in their shoes etc etc

It sounds very much you're completely burnt out/compassion fatigued..

I had this in social work.... A combination of ridiculously complex and draining situations with the most vulnerable /sometimes outright dangerous of society....who situations became emergencies very quickly.

Please don't feel guilty, it's the system that's broken not you.

Any thing you can do to change the micro elements of your day, in the short term?

Oh hugs, OP, you sound very burnt out. I've been there. You can fake it in the short term, but long term, it will break you. I think you need to make some self care plans for short term. For long term, I think you need to think about how you want your life to look. This will take time to figure out. Downsize your house? Career change? Talk to people.

I don't think you have to care to be a good teacher. It helps but it isn't necessary, as long as you pretend. One of the best academic classroom teachers I've ever worked with openly said that he felt he was so successful as a teacher because he didn't like children! He said he saw them as numbers and statistics with a target attached to them, not as people and that ensured he got his results. All his classes achieved highly and it didn't matter that he didn't like the children because a) he was perfectly nice to them and b) there were plenty of other teachers who adored them and did all the pastoral stuff.

I am pretending to care by 1/2 way through every term. I care a huge amount at the start of each term and it gradually fades until the next big holiday.

If it wasn't for the crying yourself to sleep thing, I wouldn't say what you describe is necessarily concerning in terms of mental health. Nobody here can say if you are at risk of depression/burn out or just don't especially like your job any more but it's worth getting the opinion of those who know you well and/or a doctor.

Also, are you sure the children you teach are really that privileged? I work in an independent school and, other than being materially wealthy, there are large number of children with horrendous problems and home lives, just as there are in any school. We've got children with parents in bitter custody battles, children suffering bereavement of a parent or sibling, terminal illness in families, children in care, children who almost never see their parents, children under social services monitoring due to abuse at home, children with mental and physical health problems and disabilities and children who feel excluded, marginalised or bullied. Money doesn't necessarily equal privilege. I'm from a low income family yet feel I had a far more privileged upbringing that those going through the issues above - I had 2 parents who loved and cared for their children and for each other unconditionally.

I am a nurse and I often feel like this. I look after people with cancer, people I should really feel sorry for but I just don’t feel anything at all. I am stressed by the workload and unfortunately when you’re busy and constantly surrounded by other people’s tragedies you put the barriers up to protect yourself. I smile and nod and try to comfort people but I can’t wait to get out of their room and stop talking to them. I just want to do the physical work and go home.

I’m actually starting to question why we expect so much from people in the ‘caring’ professsions. We are not clinical psychologists. I cannot effectively advise you on how to cope emotionally with your diagnosis and treatment. I am not your family member, I can’t share your grief, I don’t have any longstanding connection or affection for you.

So I don’t think it is your role as their teacher to sort out their personal problems. Some training to identify abuse/self harm/risk of suicide is appropriate but nothing more. I think anyone would get compassion fatigue with the demands of the job itself plus counsellor and personal coach. If you need the job keep going, don’t beat yourself up over how you feel and you’ll probably find it a lot easier.

I could just say 'look at the Teacher Standards - nothing about caring in there!' but actually, I don't feel like that. I think it sounds as though the job has become too much for you, and you need to find a way to cut back until you start to care again.

what are you doing now Fridgefreezer?

About to have my third child. So I was perhaps being misleading saying I’m not doing it now, although I haven’t worked for a year. (Two Pre-schoolers also). I’ve been looking at other job opportunities I can pursue, but feel conflicted as I was a good teacher and it’s rhe only career I’ve had, but finding something else to get even close to my salary is nigh on impossible. If I’m honest, I’d love for my enthusiasm to return. I’ll just have to see.