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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about my lack of 'care', teacher.

125 replies

pollypebble · 28/04/2018 21:24

First time poster. I am a teacher, have been for 15 years.
Get excellent results and feedback from parents, students and SMT.

Lately I have been having intrusive ' couldn't care less' thoughts at work, for example, a student talks to me about a problem. I obviously appear to care, and give the right advice and follow professional protocol.

My work, as such is not affected. I just don't care anymore, I can appear to care and appear to be the same but in my head I think this is just a job to pay the bills

I used to care. Can't say I was any different as a teacher.
Does it matter that I don't actually care, that I pretend to?
If I was a parent Id be shocked to think teachers think like this. In my head I actively dislike many students and parents, see them as privileged and entitled ( I work in an independent school)

Should I leave teaching? I can't afford to really. Am very conflicted, would appreciate some genuine advice, not a roasting. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
pollypebble · 28/04/2018 21:58

The crying myself to sleep seems normal. Frequently I see work friends in tears at work, its become normalised. The school is an excellent one, very well regarding and 'outstanding', so its just the job I think. Thank you all for your thoughts, I will take time the summer to see if I can find a solution.

OP posts:
EndoplasmicReticulum · 28/04/2018 21:59

I second advice to go see GP. Crying yourself to sleep worrying about work is not normal - but so many teachers experience this.

There is a helpline here:
www.educationsupportpartnership.org.uk/

I also found the TES forum helpful when I was in your position a couple of years back.
community.tes.com/forums/workplace-dilemmas.96/

What I would say is - teachers are crap at putting themselves first. I think it goes with the job description. But sometimes you have to prioritise your own health, mental health, family, wellbeing, over that feeling of guilt that you get for not putting in all the hours that the job demands.

SpanielFace · 28/04/2018 22:00

I'm a vet, and there is a known problem within our profession of "compassion fatigue", which is linked to being over worked and stressed, and is connected with depression and other mental health problems. This sounds very similar to me. Is there any way you can take some time out of the profession, to reassess what you want to do?

categed · 28/04/2018 22:03

You sound like you need a break. Too much is resting on your shoulders in school and out, no one can keep that going all the time.
Take time for You, say no to more work and try to find what it was you enjoyed about teaching. You are worth more than crying yourself to sleep. Huge hugs. Emotional burn out is so common in our profession just now x

Justletitlie · 28/04/2018 22:07

Hic it’s very heartening to hear that. You sound very good at your job, as does your colleague. I’m not being facetious by the way. Absolutely sincere.
The more OP talks the more it does sound like burn out.
I think I was trying to reassure her that maybe she was giving too much, and it was ok to not really feel too much ..but I’m not sure that’s useful advice now, sounds like she does need help.

gingergiraffe · 28/04/2018 22:08

Best friend has been a senior housing officer for about 18 years. For many years she worked very hard at her job, really making a difference to tenants’ lives, improving their environments, chasing up problems etc, but lately she has felt burnt out. With council cuts and less staff in all the supporting agencies she finds it increasingly difficult to do the job to her previous standard and satisfaction. She now rarely talks about her work and feels increasingly frustrated. She doesn’t want to hear about similar problems outside work whereas before she was the go to girl to help with problems. So sad, but I feel this is what is happening in so many work places.

I am a retired teacher and my husband is about to retire. We knew when it was time to get out, but we are not too far from state retirement age and have paid off the mortgage. I feel very sorry for people in your position who have lost the passion but have many more working years and financial commitments to go. So many teachers are getting out of the profession. Maybe you need to try to find a new job, to get back some of your former passion. Life is too short to feel as you do and you no doubt have lots of valuable skills to offer. Good luck.

The80sweregreat · 28/04/2018 22:10

My dh has been in his job for 39 years and feels the same ( not teaching or NHS , but still lots of pressure and stress.)
He is hoping to take redundancy and go soon. People are not machines. I hope you can find a way out of your situation or able to have a break. Teaching must be hell - I wrk as a minion in a school and can see the stress - and the ones that care and the ones burnt out and stopping caring. I can't blame them.

Original poster
pollypebble · 28/04/2018 22:13

I would happily live in a tent now and have none of this constant pressure, I need to find a solution. Thank you all.

OP posts:
SunwheretheFareyou · 28/04/2018 22:14

I'm a nurse, and feel exactly the same. As an observer you'd think I genuinely cared, that I enjoyed my job, but it's all an act. I don't care at all, and generally hate people. Most of my colleagues feel the same

I believe you.

I believe many of the nurses caring for my dad as he ended his life felt like you. They did not give one shiny fucking shit,.

Many - most of the nurses and care workers at the two old folks home the same....didnt give a shit.

Hmm
SunwheretheFareyou · 28/04/2018 22:15

Op can you work in a run down deprived school, maybe more challenging dc in a more poor needy environment as you only see your pupils as entitled and privalalidged?

Ellenripleysalienbaby · 28/04/2018 22:16

I have been exactly there. I left. In my last few weeks I just didn't give a shit any more about any of it. It was horrible.

Rudgie47 · 28/04/2018 22:16

Theres only so long you can go on like that for before you end up going down the depression path and you dont want that.
I'd try to find a way forward and try to find a way to do something different even if it involves a wage drop.

Shadowboy · 28/04/2018 22:17

I feel like this too. Very much so. I’m following your post with interest

Thespringsthething · 28/04/2018 22:17

I think the crying yourself to sleep isn't normal.

I think it can be normal to become fairly distanced and do your job in a mechanical fashion whilst being friendly and nice to those you meet. I'm a teacher (at uni) and whilst I am sympathetic to any students who need my help, I have so many more to teach now in large classes and am under a lot of stress, that I don't have the time or the energy to get as involved with individual students any more. I do my best if they come to me for help, but I don't get engaged on an emotional level with helping them, just with finding them solutions for their problems, as I am not a counsellor anyway.

I think a measure of professional distance is normal in the caring professions.

You do sound over stressed though and distanced from your regular emotions, and that flat feeling can be a sign of depression/anxiety, so in your case, I do think this very strong disinterest and dread of going in is probably trying to signal to you that you no longer enjoy this job- where this knowledge takes you, I'm not sure.

The80sweregreat · 28/04/2018 22:19

It's so sad that professionals are getting this way. It doesn't do anyone any good. I can see why it's happening - something must be done or it's just going to get worse. Quite depressing.

Ikeameatballs · 28/04/2018 22:21

I’m a doctor and I regularly break bad news to families. Whilst I absolutely do care I really worry that because it has become such a regular event for me families must surely see that I’m fatigued by it. However the nursing colleague I do this job with tells me that I’m good, individualise the advice I give and the way I deliver the news but I can’t help but feel I’m on a loop when I’ve had the same conversation 4 times/day. I worry that at some point I won’t care but for me that would be a sign that I need to do something different. Do you need to consider this?

Lostforagoodname · 28/04/2018 22:22

@SunwheretheFareyou Flowers for you.
It’s upsetting to hear that someone in a caring role doesn’t really give a shit.

But it’s the system more than the individual, sometimes you find someone who is a shiny light and still believes in people.

OP. You’re in an independent school, do you feel that might have something to do with it, all the entitled kids etc. I agree that you clearly need a break of some kind. Please don’t carry on as you are, for the kids sake and for your sake.

RidingWindhorses · 28/04/2018 22:24

I think if you actively dislike your students for being 'entitled and privileged' then you're in the wrong school.

It must be tiring to feel like that on a daily basis and your pupils will pick up on it.

BlackeyedSusan · 28/04/2018 22:25

Is that house bloody worth it though. Huge mortgage huge stress not caring at work. Sounds like something has to change before you are damaged by it, possibly permanently. Can you afford to go part time? 0.8 would help and not be too big a financial hit.

SunwheretheFareyou · 28/04/2018 22:25

mum how difficult for you when you have your dc welfare and whole future to consider.

viques · 28/04/2018 22:26

To care about others you need to first take care of yourself.

You are clearly stressed and approaching burn out.I understand that you can't stop working so you need to find ways that your mental and emotional health are supported to enable you to carry on. Are you a member of a union, do they have a support network that you can contact. What is your life like outside school, do you have a social life, activities you enjoy, physical activity that engages you and makes you feel good afterwards.

As others have said you should also see your GP.

RidingWindhorses · 28/04/2018 22:26

I agree no house is worth this. Can you downsize OP?

SunwheretheFareyou · 28/04/2018 22:29

Is that house bloody worth it though. Huge mortgage huge stress not caring at work

Grin

I agree is it worth it! All those entitled kids..having to suffer a teacher who despises them..when that teacher could be really getting down in a school of hard knocks with actual physical fear every day.

doctorcuntybollocks · 28/04/2018 22:29

If you went to an inner-city comp you'd end up disliking the kids and parents just as much. Entitlement isn't something only the rich have.

SunwheretheFareyou · 28/04/2018 22:32

doctorcuntybollocks

^^ indeed.

change school op or down size.