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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m blamed for ruining my parents’ lives

77 replies

Sprinkle43 · 28/04/2018 17:52

My parents had me fairly young - my mum was 19 and my dad was 20. I know the pregnancy was an accident, and resulted in my mum’s parents pressuring her and booking her in to have an abortion. My other grandparents were incredibly religious and wouldn’t have it. So here I am.

My dad has told me over the years about this, mainly because he has never got on with My mum’s family. But what he’s also said it changed his plans - he wanted a different career and life, but having a baby meant he had to find a ‘boring’ Yet stable job fast, and not do the things other young people do. During arguments he’s thrown it in my face, saying it ruined his life and i should be grateful I was even here.

My mum’s family loved me after I was born, I know that. But even they tell me it ruined my mum’s life. She’s never worked, she was a SAHM and went on to have more kids.

I’m obviously older than they were when they became parents, so my opinion is they should take responsibility for their actions - it’s not like I asked to be born. Are they entitled to feel this way?

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 28/04/2018 17:54

No they aren't. They are all being very cruel to lay this on you. Flowers

adayatthebeach · 28/04/2018 17:55

People are intitled to feel how ever they like. It’s wrong to burden you with their thoughts and actions that you had no part in.

Lethaldrizzle · 28/04/2018 17:55

They're bat shit. That's a terrible thing to say to you. Having a baby at an early age does not have to ruin your life.

Pizzame · 28/04/2018 17:55

They had unprotected sex which led to consequences, all of which they brought on themselves. Your dad is very selfish to say that to you.

Casmama · 28/04/2018 17:56

Having unprotected sex which lead to the conception of a baby and their families reactions to that changed the path of their lives.
You were that baby but are in NO way responsible for being born and it’s pretty horrific that is thrown at you by anyone.

Cynara · 28/04/2018 17:56

I suppose they're entitled to feel any way they want, but articulating those feelings to you makes them absolute arseholes. I'm sorry they've done this, OP. They were adults and should take responsibility for themselves. You did not ask for this and don't deserve their behaviour.

notWithoutFault · 28/04/2018 17:56

Why did you ask about "entitled"?

People are entitled to feel any way they want but they should be prepared to be judged by their public thoughts and actions.

They sound awful but they can feel however they'd like.

MrsG841 · 28/04/2018 17:57

They are entitled to feel this way but I feel its terribly wrong to lay it on your shoulders. I don't know why they feel they need to tell you that you was a 'mistake' and it was their choice to have the career they did or to be a SAHM. Nobody forced them

FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 28/04/2018 17:59

They’re fucking stupid. You never asked to be born. They’re the ones who were either lax with contraception or just unlucky. You’ve not ruined anyone’s life by simply being born. Your parents made a choice to have sex and decided the road they wanted to take was parenthood.

AuntLydia · 28/04/2018 17:59

No it's completely illogical of them to feel like that. As you say, you didn't ask to be conceived let alone demand to be born! Perhaps their lives would have turned out differently despite being young parents if they'd taken more responsibility for their own happiness. I also think it's incredibly cruel of them to say things like that to you - and that also says something about the kind of people they are and perhaps offers an insight into their own unhappiness.

ProfYaffle · 28/04/2018 17:59

My parents were in exactly the same situation at exactly the same ages. Their lives were far from easy and I know they have huge regrets about how some things turned out and how they handled some things.

But not once have they ever laid it at my door. They've been honest about the problems but always made it clear that I was very much loved once I arrived.

Horrible situation for you op.

FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 28/04/2018 18:00

And as others have said- they can feel whatever they want but they should discuss it with a counsellor or something not their child.

LittleMysPonytail · 28/04/2018 18:01

That is really cruel. My parents were the same age as yours - my dad’s parents wanted to send my Mum to a Mother and baby home initially. (In the 80s!) And I did curtail the plans my mum had career wise and sometimes I have felt that I ‘ruined’ her life but she won’t have it. They went on to have more children and my mum stayed at home with us. In their mid-30s my dad got his degree and had a successful teaching career, Mum did hers in her early 40s and they now run a very successful business together. Having children young doesn’t ruin your life and if your parents have not embraced the life they did have while you were younger or what they could do now then that’s on them, not you.

CecilyP · 28/04/2018 18:02

No of course they are not entitled to feel this way,. While they may have regrets that having a baby young stopped them doing other things, you most certainly did not ruin there lives and it is appalling that they said this to you. It was also your mums choice to have more kids and ever worlk. Loads of women who have kids young go on to establish careers when their kids are a bit older.

ToPlanZ · 28/04/2018 18:05

It doesn't sound like you father has grown up much since! This isn't on you. I had DS early after a slip up. Better half and I still managed to have a life, yes a different one than envisaged but still did uni, still got a career. It was hard but it was possible. Plus now we do the things we didn't have the time or money to do back then, our life wasn't over by any means. They still had choices, they need to own them and change their lives if they are unhappy, not blame you.

ShawshanksRedemption · 28/04/2018 18:05

They can feel that way about their own choices, that they made. It is not your fault, or responsibility, and it's wrong of any of them to blame you. You did not make the decision, they did.

Having a baby changes your life, but it doesn't stop it. Your dad had every opportunity to go for the career he wanted and your mum also had the opportunity to work as well. They chose not to. Would it have been hard for them? May be, but they had their parents to support them. Again, their choice to not do so. Could your dad once you were adult restart his career? What stops your mum from working?

It sounds to me the shock of the pregnancy and the way the grandparents got involved is what they need to resolve and move on from. Aiming their feelings at you is just not on, and I'm just so sad for you OP. Flowers

sausagedogsmakechipolatas · 28/04/2018 18:05

You didn’t ruin their lives, but their choices they made after you were born may well have done. That’s their choices, freely made. Lots of people have a family whilst young and although it may postpone plans it doesn’t necessarily change them.

AmazingPostVoices · 28/04/2018 18:06

They need to take responsibility for their actions.

19 and 20 are adults. They weren’t 14 yos who didn’t fully understand the ramifications of their decisions.

They chose to have sex.
They chose to keep the resulting pregnancy.

There might have been terrible pressure from parents but they were adults, the decision was theirs.

All adults have decisions they regret, it’s part of life.

Regardless of the consequences of their decision the only person who is absolutely not at fault is you

They might be entitled to their feelings, they are absolutely not entitled to lay that burden at your door.

sausagedogsmakechipolatas · 28/04/2018 18:06

Please ignore my appalling grammar Blush

BeyondFear2020 · 28/04/2018 18:07

You can’t control how and what other people think or the way they behave. They are entitled to their opinions, but that doesn’t make them correct.

You did not ruin their lives. It’s sad that they feel their lives were ruined by having a child young, but that situation is down to them, and them alone. You are right that they have to take responsibility for their own actions. Or maybe they could begin to accept the life that they have had and be grateful for the children and life they have been fortunate to have. But you can’t do that for them. You can’t change how they think.

But I’d go pretty low contact with them if they are being so nasty to you.

FizzyWizzyFlash · 28/04/2018 18:12

That's horrible OP.

It's unfair for them to blame you.

Basically what the others have said!

They sound selfish and horrible. Really selfish because they are fine with telling you this. Like you said you did not ask to be born. That was a result of their own decisions.

They sound childish too. Almost like 'it's not fair you've ruined my life' kind of thing. Refusing to accept the consequences of their actions. None of those were your actions.

I'm really sorry to hear that they think it's acceptable to say this to you. It's not acceptable and it's wrong.

CowesTwo · 28/04/2018 18:15

My mother used to say that if she had her life to live over again she wouldn't have had us. Personally I think parents should keep these sentiments to themselves, and not let their children know.

Runawaycat · 28/04/2018 18:19

YANBU and I'm furious on your behalf. I had an unplanned pregnancy at a young age, and never once have I felt resentment or anger towards my child. Why should I? She is the result of my choices. It would never occur to me to put the responsibility for how my life has turned out upon the shoulders of someone who never asked to be born, someone who is only here because of my actions and choices.

It seems as though, like many people, your parents are unwilling to suck up the consequences or shoulder the responsibility for their own actions. It's a sign of personal and moral weakness, in my opinion, and absolutely no reflection on you

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 28/04/2018 18:22

There was plenty of sex education, likely to be typical british and not use condoms..... We have free contraception, also if in any doubt there is a morning after pill. so....... Your parents need to stop saying such cruel things to you on account of their poor life decisions. Otherwise, I would stop going around there if I were you...

WomaninGreen · 28/04/2018 18:25

OP "so my opinion is they should take responsibility for their actions - it’s not like I asked to be born."

absolutely.

my closest friend at uni was told by her parents that she was a mistake. They did a few times over a weekend when I was visiting - I thought, if that's what they do in front of me imagine what they are like in private.

She emigrated. Obviously there were attractions to her chosen country but also she felt she had no family tie here at all and didn't want her parents to have anything to do with her DC or future life.

I really feel for you and frankly I'd ditch them or keep reminding them who will be choosing their nursing home.

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