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Original poster

I’m blamed for ruining my parents’ lives

77 replies

Sprinkle43 · 28/04/2018 17:52

My parents had me fairly young - my mum was 19 and my dad was 20. I know the pregnancy was an accident, and resulted in my mum’s parents pressuring her and booking her in to have an abortion. My other grandparents were incredibly religious and wouldn’t have it. So here I am.

My dad has told me over the years about this, mainly because he has never got on with My mum’s family. But what he’s also said it changed his plans - he wanted a different career and life, but having a baby meant he had to find a ‘boring’ Yet stable job fast, and not do the things other young people do. During arguments he’s thrown it in my face, saying it ruined his life and i should be grateful I was even here.

My mum’s family loved me after I was born, I know that. But even they tell me it ruined my mum’s life. She’s never worked, she was a SAHM and went on to have more kids.

I’m obviously older than they were when they became parents, so my opinion is they should take responsibility for their actions - it’s not like I asked to be born. Are they entitled to feel this way?

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 28/04/2018 18:25

It's beyond cruel to actually say that to you

Sorry OP Flowers

bushtailadventures · 28/04/2018 18:31

They are entitled to their opinions I suppose, but they should never have said it to you. Horrible way to treat a child, or an adult for that matter. Shortly before my DM died, she told me it was my fault she had had mental health issues most of her adult life. I was in my '40's by then, but it still hurt, even if I knew logically that it wasn't true, if I had been a child it would have been devastating.

corlan · 28/04/2018 18:31

Your parents are pathetic. They were adults when they had you and it's ridiculous to blame you for their problems in life.
We all make our choices and they made theirs.

lifeisunjust · 28/04/2018 18:33

They need to grow up. If your mother has never worked and wants to, what is stopping her? Sorry I have zero sympathy for her, single parent of 4 with no family support at all and I work full time. My kids have not stopped me working. Pathetic.

Well their immature behaviour has hopefully given you a mature head and I wish you all the best.

steff13 · 28/04/2018 18:33

I got pregnant accidentally at 20. I was already married, but in college. I'm now 41, I have a really good job, I own a house, I have a family. Having a child young didn't stop me from getting what I wanted out of life. It was your parents' choices that determined how their lives turned out, not your birth.

maygirl27 · 28/04/2018 18:33

Your parents having unprotected sex was no fault of yours. Your dad shouldn't be projecting his bitterness towards you - that's totally unfair.

Belindabauer · 28/04/2018 18:36

How long ago was this?
Did they not have contraception?
Condoms have been around for years.
Your father should have kept his dick in his trousers then.

StringandGlitter · 28/04/2018 18:36

Your dad could have

  • not listened to his religious parents and supported your mum through abortion
  • walked away (not nice but he could have and others do)
  • gone and done the other career anyway and manage the unsteady income
  • had a steady job for a while when you were preschool and retrained for other career at the grand old age of 25 or even (goodness) 30!
  • had a steady job but still make time for fun and hobbies
  • had the steady job and sucked it up and been kind and loving towards you
  • accepted the things he chose to do and not blame you an innocent baby

He choses to be bitter and resentful, it’s really not your fault at all.

Gemini69 · 28/04/2018 18:37

You're parents are the ones that couldn't keep their knickers and pants on.... they are fully responsible for their actions and their decisions following there romps.... it's disgusting that Father and extended Family say such horrible things to you.. such insensitive idiots.. I feel so angry for you Flowers

Kingsclerelass · 28/04/2018 18:38

They are completely responsible for their own actions which led to your existence, and whether they have the sense to realise it or not, you are almost certainly the best thing that ever happened to them.

They are also using you as an excuse for them not achieving what they wanted to. So much easier to blame someone else and whine than get the books, study at night, do the OU degree and get that better job.

I know it's hard to ignore them but your dad is talking self-pitying nonsense and they are both being completely unreasonable...... In my opinion.... no offence.....Blush

TheFreshPrincess0fBelair · 28/04/2018 18:40

You said they had more children? Do they blame them as well?
Your parents are mean.

StaplesCorner · 28/04/2018 18:42

Thats disgusting, they are entitled to fuck off if you ask me - how dare they tell you that?! That were very very lucky to have you at all and if you continue to see them now I'd think they were so very lucky they should rush out and buy a lottery ticket.

Do you have any siblings?

MysweetAudrina · 28/04/2018 18:45

I had my eldest ds at 18. I never once regretted having him even though my life was much harder than it would have been if I hadnt. I would only ever tell him truthfully that he was the best part of me and even though his siblings were born into a much more stable enviornment, everything I did was to give him a better life. Life is hard enough when you know you were wanted no parent should ever lay their responsibility on their child s shoulders.

Crispbutty · 28/04/2018 18:45

They sound tactless and thoughtless.

It’s one thing advising your kids not to make the same mistakes you did , but there’s a way to say it without making your child feel an unwanted hindrance.

diddl · 28/04/2018 18:49

How on earth it did it ean that your mum went on to have more kids & never worked?

Also, your dad ight have had to get a job fast, but that didn't mean that he couldn't also study to find a career path.

They all sound awful.

Presumably your mum wanted you or she would have gone along with her mum's suggestion?

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 28/04/2018 18:50

I'm so sorry your parents say this shit to you.

I also grew up being told I ruin my parents lives. One day I snapped and said 'no, you did by having unprotected sex'. It didn't go down well but I repeated this every time they said it, over time they said it less and less, I don't see and speak to them that often any more though.

Ginkypig · 28/04/2018 18:50

No they made a series of choices

They chose to have sex
They chose to not use contraception or use it properly
They chose to continue with the pregnancy
They chose to not pursue different careers or education after having you
They chose to have more children.

How are any of those choices anything to do with you? never mind be your fault!

buttercup54321 · 28/04/2018 18:50

Next time your father throws this at you tell him he should have kept it in his pants. He had his pleasure and paid the price. Tough.
Your mum didn't have to sit around at home having kids. She could have worked as soon as she had someone to look after you or when you went to nursery or school. Her choice not to. Again Tough,
They need to take responsibility for they own choices.
I would just shrug at them and say oh well your choice nothing to do with me.

tethersend · 28/04/2018 18:50

Having a baby at a young age may have ruined their lives. You didn't. Flowers

bertielab · 28/04/2018 18:52

What a cruel and unnecessary way for parents to talk to their kid.

They need to take responsibility.

Tell them that on repeat. They need to grow up.

Iloveacurry · 28/04/2018 18:53

Your parents sound awful and shouldn’t be blaming you. They’re the ones who had sex, what do they expect?!

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/04/2018 18:55

This can be a difficult subject to discuss because it always feels so personal. Your father is a dick for telling you you should be grateful. But having unplanned children, especially young, does tend to lead to less happy lives for the parents. So the course of their lives probably was derailed by the pregnancy and the deciscion to not have an abortion. My own mother’s almost certainly was. She would most likely have been much better off having an abortion instead of keeping me and waiting until she was much older to have kids. None of that is my fault though and I’d laugh at someone who tried to suggest it was. I’d always suggest to someone who had an unplanned pregnancy, especially at a young age, to seriously consider an abortion though, because I see how it made my mother a shell of the woman she might otherwise have been.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 28/04/2018 19:01

I'm sorry OP, how cruel they are. It sounds like your parents never grew up beyond 19 and 20...
They should be grateful that you are here.
You deserve better.

PoorYorick · 28/04/2018 19:01

It's not your fault. It's never the child's fault. It's abusive for parents to blame their children for their own decisions or failings. It's horseshit. I'm sorry your parents are so weak and inadequate but it's not your fault and it shouldn't be your problem.

phlewf · 28/04/2018 19:04

What possess people to say these things?

How long ago was this? 70’s - 80’s 20 wasn’t that young to start a family and your dad could have still had a career, your Mum could have worked once you were at school (if she didn’t have more children), 80’s - 90’s they could have taken advantage of more education and employment options IF THEY WANTED TO.

I know I was an acccident and was told I was the only reason my parents were together but in a “wasnt it lucky way”.

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