I’m blamed for ruining my parents’ lives

[Sprinkle43]

My parents had me fairly young - my mum was 19 and my dad was 20. I know the pregnancy was an accident, and resulted in my mum’s parents pressuring her and booking her in to have an abortion. My other grandparents were incredibly religious and wouldn’t have it. So here I am.

My dad has told me over the years about this, mainly because he has never got on with My mum’s family. But what he’s also said it changed his plans - he wanted a different career and life, but having a baby meant he had to find a ‘boring’ Yet stable job fast, and not do the things other young people do. During arguments he’s thrown it in my face, saying it ruined his life and i should be grateful I was even here.

My mum’s family loved me after I was born, I know that. But even they tell me it ruined my mum’s life. She’s never worked, she was a SAHM and went on to have more kids.

I’m obviously older than they were when they became parents, so my opinion is they should take responsibility for their actions - it’s not like I asked to be born. Are they entitled to feel this way?

Horrible, horrible, horrible people. Children don't choose to be born, and you don't have to be "grateful" to your parents for keeping you alive and bringing you up - it was his DUTY once they decided to have you.

I would find a therapist with whom you can discuss these things, OP. A family in which parents say these things to their children is not a healthy one.

Never mind how your father feels OP. How do YOU feel? Their actions, their responsibility, not yours. Must be horrible to hear this and totally undeserved. Bless your cotton socks x

It sounds as if they are using the fact they have had a baby young as an excuse.
Having a child might make it more difficult to get to the career you want, travel, etc... But plenty do it.
And they certainly shouldn't be telling you/ using it in arguments.

They're being horrible, and they're using your birth as an excuse for why they didn't do different things with their lives. Lots of people become parents at a young age and stll manage to fulfil their other ambitions.

I was 18 when my eldest was born.

Your parents are behaving like nobs.

Like others have said, you deserve much better.

How deeply cruel and hurtful OP. My mum did similar to me; she really regretted being with my arsehole of a dad, and she often used to tell me how if she hadn't got pregnant with us she could have met a nicer man and had a different life. She was a gentle and kind seeming lady; I don't think she had a clue how much it hurts to hear you're unwanted when you're a child. And for your dad to carry on saying that to you? Just awful.

My mother was the result of my grandfather raping my grandmothers, which left her pregnant and then she had to marry him - he was a violent abuser who made everyone’s life hell. My grandmother first told my DM that she was raped and it was my mums fault they had to stay when my mum was 5. It was used against her throughout her life, even when my mum helped her to get a divorce and went out to work at 16 so she could support my GM financially.

When she got married (to another violent abuser) he tried to get her to abort me, their second child. They were divorced before I was even born and my father made it very clear he felt I was responsible. He went on to abuse me, and I always knew why that was.

The sort of shit they are putting on you is horrific and untrue. You didn’t do anything - they acted and their actions had consequences. It’s disgraceful that they’d talk to you this way and I personally wouldn’t have anything to do with any of them. I’ve broken the cycle, happily married and have two children that were absolutely planned and are loved. All I can do is make sure they never feel the way my mother and I did.

My mother developed what would now be recognised as PND after I was born, which led to agoraphobia and anxiety for the rest of her life. She talked about how confident she had been before I was born ( the third child) and it used to make me feel responsible for her MH. I did ask her once as a young teen if that is how she felt, that I had caused it, and she said ‘Well, yes, it was, I wouldn’t be like this if it wasn’t for you.’ and then gave a very bitter laugh.

Awful, selfish thing to do - she should have clarified that it wasn’t anything, I, as a baby had any control over. Luckily I had seen enough of her self centred thinking to realise it was the pregnancy and birth rather than me, as a person, that had done this.

I'm so sorry your parents behave this way towards you Sprinkle. Most people walking around today are a result of a slip up or 'accident'.
My mother had me at the age of 18 and raised me alone after my father walked away.
I know the choices available to her were limited as a result but she never made me feel less than loved and cherished, by words and deeds she taught me that we are all master of our own destiny and responsible for our own happiness.
Through hard work and tenacity she now has her own home, a good job and a comfortable life.
Your parents have let life happen to them and that's not on you, as an adult you know this is true. Please do not let their failures determine your future.

OP, you deserve very much better than this kind of mindless treatment.
On behalf of other parents who fell unexpectedly pg and did love their 'surprise' I would like to express the hope that you will find life companions who value you to your true extent so your situation will become clear to you.

I never, ever told DC that they were anything other than very much wanted, in the full knowledge of how much the absence of such reassurance could wound a child. If their lives were ruined they did it to themselves and it is cheap and shabby to blame you for any of it.

Look forward, OP, you can't mend your parents but you can aim a lot higher with the rest of humanity. They are out there

The sort of loser who makes remarks like this is exactly the sort of twat who shags away without a condom and then freaks when the inevitable results.

No offence to your DF, OP, but I can't see what he's saying deserves your attention. He's bloody lucky to have ended up with you, the useless git - you sound lovely,

1. Their choices led their lives down this path, not yours so they should face up to fact they were responsible.

1. They have no idea how their lives would have turned out if you were not born. They can guess and speculate, but no guarantees. For all they know the path it took could have led them to regretting having the abortion.

1. Bang out of order throwing it in your face.

My father used to tell me I was a worthless shit who ruined his life and all sorts of other things. One day I replied, "Well it's your fault I'm here, so blame yourself." Then every time he told me how terrible I was, I replied, "It's your fault I'm here."

They "ruined" their own lives and are very cruel and stupid to say that to you

For all you know, in some alternate universe where they didn’t have you, they might have (for example) been out partying and fallen off a balcony and died. There is no guarantee that their lives would have been better without you, and it’s a nasty thing to say.

Given his attitude problem, your dad would probably have been a miserable git either way.

That's an unforgiveabley cruel thing to say to you. Shame on them.

Good god your parents are bloody awful. None of this is your fault they are crazy.
No one forced her to have more children, she could have gone on to a career after you went to school if they had stopped at one. Your father has no excuse, he could keep it in his pants or get the chop, save inflicting their horrid thoughts on any of their children.
I don't think I could have a relationship with such nasty people, family or not.

Traditional story.

^A traveler came upon an old farmer hoeing in his field beside the road. Eager to rest his feet, the wanderer hailed the countryman, who seemed happy enough to straighten his back and talk for a moment.
"What sort of people live in the next town?" asked the stranger.

"What were the people like where you've come from?" replied the farmer, answering the question with another question.

"They were a bad lot. Troublemakers all, and lazy too. The most selfish people in the world, and not a one of them to be trusted. I'm happy to be leaving the scoundrels."

"Is that so?" replied the old farmer. "Well, I'm afraid that you'll find the same sort in the next town.

Disappointed, the traveler trudged on his way, and the farmer returned to his work.

Some time later another stranger, coming from the same direction, hailed the farmer, and they stopped to talk. "What sort of people live in the next town?" he asked.

"What were the people like where you've come from?" replied the farmer once again.

"They were the best people in the world. Hard working, honest, and friendly. I'm sorry to be leaving them."

"Fear not," said the farmer. "You'll find the same sort in the next town."^

You deserve to be here and were meant to be. They should be proud of you.

It was their choice to have sex. They shouldn’t have played in puddles if they didn’t want to get wet.

Not sure I would be volunteering to look after either of them in their old age! They are trying to make you feel worthless through no fault of your own. I would go NC.

Your father and grandparents should be ashamed for putting any blame at all on you. There's no excuse for making a completely innocent child feel that s/he is somehow responsible for his/her parents' "failures" or difficulties-- none!

My own parents were quite young when they had me and as I grew up and did the math, I realized that I was obviously an unplanned pregnancy but they never, ever made me feel that I had limited their choices in life.

It sounds like they've used you as a handy excuse for their own sense of their personal failings. If they didn't live up to their (supposed) potential, that's on them, and it was horribly cruel and wrong for them to have made a child feel guilt over her very existence.

They are cruel and ignorant.
Having unprotected sex when they didn’t want a child is what caused their lives to be as it is.
Don’t let their bile spoil your life.

I was a pretty crappy behaved teenager... had my son at 16... obviously an accident. I did well because of him not in spite of him... went back to school. Qualified a solicitor. Hoping to become partner in my firm soon. We grew up together. Sure it was harder... sure I missed out on a lot. Would not swap it. I can understand your parents struggle but they’re mean! Perhaps they felt the need to stay together because of the religious parents and that’s the crux. Whatever don’t let them make you feel anything but you’re own lovely person!

Userinterface34

Your post is exactly what I was trying to say. Things change and you have acknowledged that but that doesn't mean having a child young traps you into not being able to positively seek education or a career, your post shows that.

Op your parents made a choice to use you being born as a reason to not bother trying to live positively, that's on them not you.