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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not attend child-free wedding?

81 replies

Equimum · 27/04/2018 17:51

I would like to start by saying that we completely respect the bride and groom’s wishes for a child-free wedding, and have not made our decision on the basis of being annoyed by their choice.

Our predicament, however, is, that my nephew and his bride have chosen to have a child-free wedding, and it will be held approximately 2.5 hours from where we live. Obviously, all my side of our family are attending, and DHs family live about three hours away from us in a different direction. We very rarely get any help with our children anyway, and worked out that hiring a babysitter is unfeasible due to times/ minimum length of time we would be away etc.

Anyway, we politely declined the invitation by post, and I have since received andry phone calls from both my brother and nephew stating that we need to make the effort to sort childcare and go to the wedding. Given that we have never been able to spend more that about five hours away from our children, due to lacking relatives who can help, I am really uncertain what they expect to me do.

AIBU to think that if they want a child-free wedding, that may be excluding some of the people who they clearly want to be at the wedding (given the messages I have received)? Moreover, AIBU to not attend the wedding, ob the basis that we cannot secure childcare?

For full disclosure, a friend with her own children offered to have our children so that we could attend the ceremony, which would mean her having them for around 7-8 hours, but my nephew has said we need to attend the whole thing or nothing, as they are paying a venue on a per head basis.

OP posts:

DragonMummy1418 · 27/04/2018 17:52

How old are your kids? 😮

peachypetite · 27/04/2018 17:52

Your nephew is being ridiculous.

Eliza9917 · 27/04/2018 17:53

Is it possible to get a babysitter at a hotel?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 27/04/2018 17:54

Whole thing or nothing?
Well, nothing it is then!

Treaclepie19 · 27/04/2018 17:54

He's being unfair. It's his choice to have a child free wedding and your choice not to attend. He knew that when he arranged it.

Pengggwn · 27/04/2018 17:55

Tell them to jog on. It's their wedding, their decision whether to invite children, but they're your children, so your decision whether or not you go without them.

Wolfiefan · 27/04/2018 17:55

You don't need to go to any wedding. Except your own.
They ANBU to have a child free wedding but they must understand that their choice will mean some people can't come.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 27/04/2018 17:55

Perfectly reasonable not to go - my wedding was child-free but we completely understood that the trade-off was some people not being able to make it. I always think it's rude to insist someone gets childcare if you want them to do something, it's so expensive! They're also being unreasonable to enforce an all day attendance for people coming from so far away.

GinaLinetti99 · 27/04/2018 17:56

He can jog on.

He can't have it both ways. If you choose child free, you have to understand that some people with children will be unable to attend.

MaggieFS · 27/04/2018 17:56

I'd reply and say you have tried and not sure what more effort they expect you to make? You've found a compromise solution and they're choosing to decide it's all or nothing so wtf else are you supposed to do?

OR accept for the whole day and then just leave anyway!

agnurse · 27/04/2018 17:57

An invitation is not a summons. We invited 150 people for our wedding. 75 came. Many could not make it because of distance or prior commitments. We recognized that. In fact we had invited some people with the full knowledge that they would be unlikely to attend - we just didn't want them to feel they had been forgotten. Our wedding was lovely. My uncle hired a videographer for us as a wedding gift and we were given two videos - the full day and a 10-minute highlight video. We sent copies to some who couldn't attend and shared the highlight video with others when we did see them. We never took it personally - we knew that sometimes things come up and that people can't always attend everything.

As my father says, "We party with whoever shows up". Your presence or absence should not be enough to make or break their wedding, for goodness sakes.

thenorthernluce · 27/04/2018 17:57

We had a child free wedding and were fully aware and accepted that this might mean some invitees would not be able to attend. Your family need to wise up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2018 17:57

What a wanker. Both of them actually.

You’ve politely declined. Pushing the issue is incredibly rude.

Strawberry2017 · 27/04/2018 17:59

I don't think you are BU at all, when you make the decision to have a child free wedding you know you are making it difficult for some people to attend.
Especially when it's family and everyone will be there. The only thing I could think off would be if a family member from DH side could could come to yours to stay but like you say it's for a lot of hours and it's a lot to ask of someone even family.
You would think in a way they would be glad as it saves them money without offending anyone.
Good luck. X

Original poster

Equimum · 27/04/2018 17:59

Thank-you, that was what I thought, but just doubting myself momentarily.

I totally respect their choice, and would love to go, but I cannot really warrant the cost of two nights in a hotel and many hours of a babysitter (would they even do a 9+ hour shift?) when we would otherwise have just gone for the day and left around 9ish.

Children are 2&4

OP posts:

Fannyfanakerpants · 27/04/2018 18:00

Definetly NBU. We did the same last year. OH's cousin had a child free wedding so his family were all there, my family live hours away so we chose not to go. I know its the couple's choice but I really dislike child free weddings. I think it makes it difficult for a lot of people as they are such long days.

Notonthestairs · 27/04/2018 18:01

YANBU.

Ubercornsdiscoball · 27/04/2018 18:01

Could you go yourself and leave your husband with the children? So you get to spend the day with your family?

Weezol · 27/04/2018 18:02

Another vote for telling them to jog on. Do they not understand that choices have consequences?
Is it a new 'thing' to demand an explanation from declining guests? I've seen this on MN a couple of times this week

lalalalyra · 27/04/2018 18:04

Your nephew is being ridiculous. If you have a childfree wedding, much the same as a wedding abroad or a whole weekend wedding, then you need to accept some people may not be able to come.

People do get ridiculous over it. My friend met DH's cousin at one of our family events and their wedding was childfree. I have no contact with my own family, DH's entire family was invited and all our friends were invited. Who was supposed to have my kids for 2 days (they got married miles away) I have no idea, but she's never spoken to me since.

TheDisreputableDog · 27/04/2018 18:04

Weird, if you decide not to invite children you can't be surprised if some parents choose not to attend. If they want you to be here so desperately they should include your children.

LaurieMarlow · 27/04/2018 18:04

Don't go if it doesn't suit you. I'm all for child free weddings, but B&G have to understand they don't work for everyone.

JustaLittlePrick · 27/04/2018 18:06

We have been invited to a child-free wedding this summer. It requires an overnight as it's a short flight away.

I am going alone as it's my side of the family and DH will stay with the children.

Couldn't one of you go?

Fatted · 27/04/2018 18:06

Yanbu. You've offered to attend for the main event and leave in the evening. I don't see the issue. When we got married quite a lot of people who were there for the ceremony were leaving by 9pm cos it was such a long day.

I guess the only other option is you attend on your own? Or insist those demanding you attend pay for your childcare.

AmazingPostVoices · 27/04/2018 18:07

You aren’t being unreasonable.

You can make any arrangements you like for your wedding (childfree/strict dress code/foreign destination etc) but you need to understand that your choices may mean that not everyone will always be able to attend.

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