Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend child-free wedding?

81 replies

Equimum · 27/04/2018 17:51

I would like to start by saying that we completely respect the bride and groom’s wishes for a child-free wedding, and have not made our decision on the basis of being annoyed by their choice.

Our predicament, however, is, that my nephew and his bride have chosen to have a child-free wedding, and it will be held approximately 2.5 hours from where we live. Obviously, all my side of our family are attending, and DHs family live about three hours away from us in a different direction. We very rarely get any help with our children anyway, and worked out that hiring a babysitter is unfeasible due to times/ minimum length of time we would be away etc.

Anyway, we politely declined the invitation by post, and I have since received andry phone calls from both my brother and nephew stating that we need to make the effort to sort childcare and go to the wedding. Given that we have never been able to spend more that about five hours away from our children, due to lacking relatives who can help, I am really uncertain what they expect to me do.

AIBU to think that if they want a child-free wedding, that may be excluding some of the people who they clearly want to be at the wedding (given the messages I have received)? Moreover, AIBU to not attend the wedding, ob the basis that we cannot secure childcare?

For full disclosure, a friend with her own children offered to have our children so that we could attend the ceremony, which would mean her having them for around 7-8 hours, but my nephew has said we need to attend the whole thing or nothing, as they are paying a venue on a per head basis.

OP posts:
summerinthecountry · 27/04/2018 18:46

They are being entirely U about this. Seriously not one jot of consideration for their guests or their ability to attend.

Confirm by text you will not be attending and leave it at that. Send a card and wish them well. What a pair of drama queens.

If they wanted you to be there, they could have just accepted that you would be there for the ceremony only. I honestly would not give this any more thought. Sickening sense of entitlement from them.

There decision to make it child free
Your decision not to attend. They should have expected it.

summerinthecountry · 27/04/2018 18:48

BTW I wouldn't want to go on my own to a wedding, you won't even be able to have a few glasses of wine as you will be driving and it will be doing a 5-6 hour round trip.

CocoaGin · 27/04/2018 18:49

They are being very unreasonable. Unless they want to pay for a babysitter at the venue for you.....

If you put a restriction on your wedding, you have to expect some guests to not be able to fit around it!

KeepServingTheDrinks · 27/04/2018 18:50

have you responded, OP?

Eggzandbacon · 27/04/2018 18:51

You did offer to go to the wedding! It’s the reception you are turning down, sounds like their is a financial reason at stake her.

I hate the idea that leaving your kids for a full weekend is ‘lack of effort’ rather than ‘lack of options’.

MarthasGinYard · 27/04/2018 18:52

You go and leave Dp with dc

Both attend Leave them with kind friend and state you will not be there the whole eve as your friend has dc. Non negotiable.

expatinscotland · 27/04/2018 18:53

So many think their wedding is the Be All To End All for the world and guests should be falling at their feet to be invited and take umbrage and are hurt when people don't turn themselves inside out to go. They need to grow up and get over it.

TheJoyOfSox · 27/04/2018 18:54

Your brother and your nephew are both being very unreasonable twats!

They invited you.
You said no.

You do not owe them any further explanation.
But if they are too ignorant or stupid to understand that organising child care for two very young children for at least 7 hours and probably a damn sight longer is not an easy task, then ignore them, they’re obviously clueless.

You’ve said no, you do not owe any further explanation.

Ragwort · 27/04/2018 18:54

Given that they are being so rude, I think you are quite right not to attend now; however my choice would have been to go on my own as I would have lots of family there and leave DH with the children.

eggsandwich · 27/04/2018 18:58

Just say look you are choosing a child free wedding, and I am choosing not to attend a wedding where my children are not allowed to attend, so unless you change it to allowing children to attend which I fully understand your wedding your decision but you must understand my children my decision.

Callamia · 27/04/2018 18:58

Does anyone in your family get it? Can’t they stick up for you? Finding childcare for overnight for a 2yr old and 4yr old isn’t easy, and I’d definitely have to rely on friends.

You’ve made a fair compromise, and if they won’t accept that, then I only hope someone asks them something so silly when they have small children.

underneaththeash · 27/04/2018 18:59

I think you should go on your own and stay overnight. If its family then its not as if you won't know anyone.

feebeecat · 27/04/2018 19:02

Oh, good luck OP. I had a very similar situation, but with niece. Location and timings meant it would be an absolute nightmare, so we declined. Apparently this put me in the same league as the divil himself & she's not spoken to me since. Well, she has, but most of it is unrepeatable.

She has young children herself now & I sometimes wonder how she would feel if I put her in a similar position. Shouldn't there be some sort of wedding-warning - you can opt for child-free, but then graciously accept if some people prioritise their children - seems simple enough Confused

cadburyegg · 27/04/2018 19:02

YANBU at all.

A former colleague of mine had a child free wedding. A few weeks beforehand she started complaining about how a close friend of hers had to decline because she was breastfeeding a newborn. Hmm

BigPinkBall · 27/04/2018 19:02

We’re in a similar situation, wedding is a 6 hour drive away, accommodation is expensive and it’s child free and we’re being the unreasonable ones because we won’t take a detour that would add an additional 3 hours on to the journey to leave dd with my parents, who she’s only met when she was a newborn and doesn’t know or leave her with an unknown babysitter in a hotel 5 miles away from the venue.

Apparently children being invited would stop everyone enjoying the wedding and we should be grateful they’re giving us an opportunity to “let our hair down” - no thanks, I actually like my child and as I’m not 22 anymore I don’t think getting drunk is the be all and end all.

Gemini69 · 27/04/2018 19:04

Don't go.. easy Grin

welshmist · 27/04/2018 19:06

Brother and his fiancee insisted on a child free wedding, except for her children from a previous relationship. We declined the invitation. Our children were the same age. Save your money and don`t let them bully you.

Funnily enough the marriage was a disaster and they later divorced.

expatinscotland · 27/04/2018 19:06

' A few weeks beforehand she started complaining about how a close friend of hers had to decline because she was breastfeeding a newborn. hmm'

Oh, yeah, thickos like this think you can just 'express and give it a bottle!' or expect the guest to make all sorts of complicated arrangements because their wedding is oh-so-important.

RiceBaby · 27/04/2018 19:08

Ask on of DH's family to travel to mind your children in your house forbthe weekend.

summerinthecountry · 27/04/2018 19:09

underneaththeash

Op might not want to stay over night or leave her dc for that matter.
It is only a wedding of a nephew, hardly the be all and end all.

I find it quite presumptuous that some posts are saying just leave dh with dc, but op may not feel comfortable doing such a huge drive on her own, or may not want to be away for that long.

it is their problem not yours op. No one HAS to attend a wedding. I would not be bullied into it. Your family sound horrible!

summerinthecountry · 27/04/2018 19:11

Is anyone else getting the impression op's family are on here?

There are a lot of posts saying the same thing and op has gone very quiet.

SomeKnobend · 27/04/2018 19:24

YANBU at all. I'd tell the cheeky buggers to fuck right off. Have a child free wedding if you want, but don't be surprised if some parents then don't want to come, it's an arse ache. I'd rather the time with my kids tbh, even without the issue of how much it's going to cost for hotels and babysitters, sod that for a laugh.

Gemini69 · 27/04/2018 19:29

but all the messages Support OP's decision not to go... Hmm why would the family be on here... ?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 27/04/2018 19:34

No children and you have to stay for the whole thing? Sounds like a joyless affair. I’d have no problem saying no.

Baubletrouble43 · 27/04/2018 19:54

Yanbu . I didn't attend my cousins wedding for this very reason. He married very close to Christmas day the other end of the country ( think Jon o groates lands end ) and I was expected to travel and attend without my 4 year old. As a single mum. Yeah right.

Swipe left for the next trending thread