To not attend child-free wedding?

[Equimum]

I would like to start by saying that we completely respect the bride and groom’s wishes for a child-free wedding, and have not made our decision on the basis of being annoyed by their choice.

Our predicament, however, is, that my nephew and his bride have chosen to have a child-free wedding, and it will be held approximately 2.5 hours from where we live. Obviously, all my side of our family are attending, and DHs family live about three hours away from us in a different direction. We very rarely get any help with our children anyway, and worked out that hiring a babysitter is unfeasible due to times/ minimum length of time we would be away etc.

Anyway, we politely declined the invitation by post, and I have since received andry phone calls from both my brother and nephew stating that we need to make the effort to sort childcare and go to the wedding. Given that we have never been able to spend more that about five hours away from our children, due to lacking relatives who can help, I am really uncertain what they expect to me do.

AIBU to think that if they want a child-free wedding, that may be excluding some of the people who they clearly want to be at the wedding (given the messages I have received)? Moreover, AIBU to not attend the wedding, ob the basis that we cannot secure childcare?

For full disclosure, a friend with her own children offered to have our children so that we could attend the ceremony, which would mean her having them for around 7-8 hours, but my nephew has said we need to attend the whole thing or nothing, as they are paying a venue on a per head basis.

Obviously they are being VVV unreasonable to pressure you into going and to question why you've declined.

Putting that aside though, could you attend while your dh stays with the kids?

It’s the usual MN wedding rule of “You can choose the wedding you want, childfree, destination, whatever, but if your choice means some of your potential guests can’t attend then you should graciously accept that”

They want child free, that’s fine. You can’t attend as you don’t have childcare for two young children, that’s also fine.

What’s not fine is them having a go at you because you can’t make it

I would go on my own, enjoy a nice family occasion and leave the children with their father. Surely that's the best solution?

Well, you could go alone but I suspect I’d be reaching the point of decline given the angry phone calls.

Your nephew is being a brat.

I love child free weddings, but if it means some people can’t attend, that’s the trade off.

Yanbu.

Well obviously you do not have to go.

However, is there a reason why you cannot go and Dh looks after DC? That is what I would do in that situation.

It's completely up the B&G to have a child free wedding but FFS don't then whinge at people who can't make it.

Also, if you invite kids, don't whinge at people who decide not to bring them (obviously with notice) because they would prefer not to spend the wedding wrangling their child which has just discovered how to run/scream/stick fingers in electric sockets.

I've had the same - someone not inviting our 4DC (understandably) to their wedding, but then setting their mum on me who could not conceive that I couldn't just rustle up childcare for 10-12 hours, including two meals and bedtimes, for 4DC - two with SN. She had indeed 4 DC of her own, but who had clearly forgotten that she'd 1. lived with her mother at the time and 2. had a constant stream of aupairs in addition.

I wouldn’t bother after the angry phone calls either. What a charming way to treat your guests. Guests being angrily coerced to attend when they’ve already declined, always makes for a lovely event !

You are not being unreasonable, you have young children, they have chosen to have a child free wedding. You haven't got easily available childcare, to put pressure on you is unreasonable.

Yanbu, I wouldn't go!

Your nephew is being a bit of a knob but I would go and leave DH at home with the children personally. Can you do this?

I'm guessing they have done a deal with the hotel that requires all the rooms to be booked out by guests - they are counting on you staying - hence the attitude

YANBU - you could look at local babysitters near the hotel (via a reputable service!) but given his shitty response I wouldn;t bother

They’re being very unfair to push this, what do they expect you to do? I understand they’re disappointed you won’t be there but you clearly have no alternative and they chose to make it childfree. If it’s imperative you go they need to include your children.

Cf the both of them. Yanbu at all

Tell your brother and nephew to get knotted

Can your husband's family come stay at yours? Or mind the children at the hotel? Would save the journey to theirs in the opposite direction

Personally, I love children being at a wedding. Usually a delight compared to the family arguments and drunken guests.

But if they want a childfree wedding, their choice.

You have a choice not to go, as a consequence of lack of suitable childcare and wanting to be with your children.

I wouldn't go even if I had childcare - a wedding declaring children not invited sounds oh-so-precious and unfriendly

If you can’t get childcare you can’t get it therefore you can’t both attend. YANBU to be pissed off with their response to that. However I don’t see why you can’t go on your own and leave DH to look after the DC? In your nephew’s place I would be hurt that you didn’t want to attend.

Nobody should demand that anyone else attends their wedding. (OK the thread about the bridesmaid who changed her mind for some bullshit reason about a fortnight before was a different issue). Your brother/DN are being arrogant, insensitive tossers. You can't arrange the childcare, so you're not going - that should be the end of it.

I would be telling them where to stick their wedding after those nasty phone calls.
Why on earth cant you just go to the ceremony? Its not your fault they booked everything thinking they were so important that everyone would be falling over themselves to come to their summons!

Maybe one day you can see them in a similar quandry and laugh like a drain.

YANBU, this is the chance that people take by having a child free wedding. (I had one myself, but now I have a child, can see how it can be a problem for some).

I declined a family wedding a couple of years ago due to no childcare, and the response was, well surely there must be somebody who would have DC.... well actually all my friends had very good reasons (pregnancy, didn't have their own DC, football, etc).

So your nephew really does need to accept it, that it is their choice that they don't want DC there, therefore you cannot go.

Don't capitulate to them. Fuck bending yourself in knots with getting a hotel babysitter, asking your h's family to come through and babysit or driving hours out of you way to kowtow to your brother and nephew or leaving your h at home and going. I'd go one better and not send them a gift, either.

' In your nephew’s place I would be hurt that you didn’t want to attend.'

Then don't make ridiculous demands on your guests.

"No that doesnt work for us and angry, demanding calls wont change that. We hope you/your son have a lovely day and we wish them a good marriage"

They are fine to have a cf wedding but no one is ok to demand attendence. They are rude and self absorbed.

YANBU.

Sod him- not least because your DC are actually the groom's cousins. I'd be more inclined to be supportive of a child-free wedding and just go on my own if it was a colleague or friend's wedding, but if he can't be arsed with all of his family on his wedding day, then I wouldn't be killing myself to go either.

I think you could go with your extended family and leave your dh at home with the kids.