Or is my mum?

[stressedoutsuzie]

I'll try to get everything in the first post but it may be long.

Ok so I'm 23. I still live at home due to a few financial problems, but by the end of the year I will have my own place - I know that this is the solution, but I need to know if I'm unreasonable, and if not. What I can do in the short term to fix this.

Whenever I go out anywhere - be it to work, the gym, shopping, to see friends, my boyfriend etc my mum ALWAYS wants to know where I am. I can't just say I'm going out or it'll be met with a bit of a mood. So I tell her where I'm off, what I'm doing etc. It's just a text message when I'm on my way home, i don't really have a problem with it.

However, whenever I go away from home for a few days, staying with other people, she expects constant updates through the day: one when I wake up, one when I know what I'm doing for the day, another when I'm back in, another when I'm going to bed. And I've been sending them. But sometimes I forget. And she gets really mad at me.

If I go out when she's, for example expecting a parcel she can't be in for - she says I never put my family first, and I don't care about them.

And when she's in a mood, she sulks, throws things around, calls me all sorts of names.

I've asked her why she does this, she says that it's because she cares about me. I like that she cares but I wish she wouldn't demand so much of me?

What can I do? Please. I'm at my wits end

"Lose" your phone for a while.

Are you paying bed and board?

It doesn't sound as though there is a quick fix, unfortunately. I think you'll just have to grit your teeth until you can move out. And it's not caring, it's manipulative.

@Idontdowindows I do

I don't know how to fix it. It's been going on... all of my life really

Then I'd say you go your own way, reduce updates to a minimum and make sure that you "don't know where I'm going yet, we'll decide we've meet up" and the like.

Be vague and ignore any tantrums. Don't engage the tantrums and don't do anything other than be "don't know yet, depends on what we fancy" etc.

She sounds pretty awful OP, I feel for you! Regardless of whether you're paying bed and board she doesn't get to treat you that way. I'm not sure there is much you can do except try and explain to her that you can't give constant updates - but if you do talk to her, pick a neutral time when it isn't the heat of the moment.

You may just have to grit your teeth and bear it until you can move out

‘And when she's in a mood, she sulks, throws things around, calls me all sorts of names.’

Her behaviour is abusive.

Some people view their children of an extension of themselves.
My mother asks me 20 questions every time on Skype and heaven forbid I mention that I'm doing something or going somewhere, meeting someone as she will do 20 questions on that too.
I just point it out, this isn't 20 questions then back to grey rock

I've tried the being vague, and I've tried the grey rock. It just makes the situation worse, she gets angrier and angrier with me.

I've tried to explain that I can't let her know what I'm doing all the time because I don't even know!

But it's at the point if I'm catching a train, she wants to know what one is it - and she live tracks it (I wish I was making this up)

That's not love, that's control. You're 23. The loving thing for your mother to do would be to foster your independence.

You might want to have a read of the Stately Homes thread and see if the stories on there are familiar. And my advice to you would be to be careful about your plans for leaving home - make sure there is no way for your mother to sabotage them.

And don't give her a key to your new place!

This behaviour is controlling and abusive. I'd be interested to see how people would react to this if OP mentioned it was a partner rather than a parent.

I honestly think your best option is to leave. Although I wonder if this would cause more tantrums or problems. Do you have any more siblings? Is she like this with them?

What's she going to be like when you move?!

I am super close to my mum and we talk about everything, I thought she was a little full on because she messaged everyday to check how I am and my plans when we can't speak on the phone (I live 2 hour away) ... but this is another level!

It's tough because it sounds like she's not willing to have a discussion about it, no real advice I guess but feel for you op!

Echoing she's controlling and abusive. I would lose your phone for a while if I were you.

Believe me, if I could be out without messing myself up financially I would be out like a shot. But I can't see anyway to do it without saving and saving.

@Justmuddlingalong don't worry - she'll be lucky to even get the address at the moment

@Fatted I'm the eldest of 5. Shes not as controlling with the others, but definitely still an element of control there

Thanks for all your supportive messages though. It helps knowing I'm not losing my mind over nothing/something normal

It's probably fear of not knowing. She needs to alert you go / grow up. How do you think people managed to control this before mobile phones ? You are 20, not 12

Needs to let you go !

Sounds a bit like my mum -
It's controlling and manipulative.
The sooner you can move out the better.
Once your independent, you can set the rules about contact and if she doesn't like it then she can bugger off.

OP, I’m going to say something important here. Please please be very mindful of this manipulative power battle when you choose a partner or boyfriend. If this type of manipulative behaviour has been going on all your life you need to be really mindful when choosing other and not fall into the trap of replicating this relationship. I speak from experience.

I would tell her I’d decided not to have a mobile, and am saving the money.
She sounds a controlling nightmare.

Calvinlookingforhobbs Agree. Very important point.

OP, Nothing to say that others haven't already. But I wish you the best of luck with saving and the move.

On the face of it your mum is being OTT but is there a reason why she might be so anxious? E.g. a history of risk-taking behaviour or a health problem? If so, could you try to talk to her about things and how you take care of yourself, and reassure her that you would call her if anything was wrong?

Thanks for your concerns. I think having her being so controlling has made me on high alert for boyfriends etc, and my boyfriend has made me how bad she is!

I don't know why she's so controlling, as far as I know I've never done anything too 'out there' and worthy of worry, but even so - it's still not acceptable behaviour is it?

I have children about your age, OP, and I have younger ones.

Even the youngest one doesn't tell me where they are all the time. The oldest ones live away from home and we speak on the phone every few weeks. I'll get the occasional text. It's lovely to hear from them, but it's also lovely to know they're out there, living their lives and being happy and secure enough to not need me anymore.

Your mother is far too controlling.

Put up with it for now, because you're still living under her roof: but as soon as you're out, start setting boundaries and enforcing them. She doesn't need to be as involved in your life as this, and it's not helping anyone

OP, her behaviour is not a response to you. It’s her wiring. Something, somewhere has gone a little wrong and it’s now how she copes. I repeat, her behaviour is not a response to you. Do you have an aunt or gran you can discuss this with? You’d mum needs help. Do you think she isahappy person? Don’t be fooled into thinking that you abiding by her rules is the difference between her being okay and moody. This is no about you.