Or is my mum?

[stressedoutsuzie]

I'll try to get everything in the first post but it may be long.

Ok so I'm 23. I still live at home due to a few financial problems, but by the end of the year I will have my own place - I know that this is the solution, but I need to know if I'm unreasonable, and if not. What I can do in the short term to fix this.

Whenever I go out anywhere - be it to work, the gym, shopping, to see friends, my boyfriend etc my mum ALWAYS wants to know where I am. I can't just say I'm going out or it'll be met with a bit of a mood. So I tell her where I'm off, what I'm doing etc. It's just a text message when I'm on my way home, i don't really have a problem with it.

However, whenever I go away from home for a few days, staying with other people, she expects constant updates through the day: one when I wake up, one when I know what I'm doing for the day, another when I'm back in, another when I'm going to bed. And I've been sending them. But sometimes I forget. And she gets really mad at me.

If I go out when she's, for example expecting a parcel she can't be in for - she says I never put my family first, and I don't care about them.

And when she's in a mood, she sulks, throws things around, calls me all sorts of names.

I've asked her why she does this, she says that it's because she cares about me. I like that she cares but I wish she wouldn't demand so much of me?

What can I do? Please. I'm at my wits end

I've been at work - sorry for the delay.

I'm not saving for a house, I'm saving to be able to afford rent. She takes 50% of my wages so it's hard to save, when I have to pay insurance on the car, buy my own food etc (she doesn't cook for me anymore either). I understand I could probably do it quicker, but because she's the way she is it's hard to want to stay in and save.

As much as I'd love to move in with friends - I don't know anyone who would be able to accommodate me whilst I saved (plus I'd feel cheeky)

I can't move in with my boyfriend - his landlord won't have my on the tenancy, I don't know why!

I've honestly looked into so many options to try and move out quicker. If anyone has any suggestions I'd be so happy to hear them

I do that with DH. It's common courtesy, and sensible in case something happens.

Is the 50% of your wages that you pay her enough to pay for a rented room?

@BarbarianMum to be honest I don't know. I don't know where to even look for anything like that. I live in the north west so it's not hugely expensive here

Christ on a bike OP 50% of your wages? You need to get out of there!

Can I ask how much you earn approximately or is that too personal?

My son is the same age as you and I would not dream of encroaching on his life in this way, yes he came out of my womb but that was my choice and he doesn't owe me anything. At 50 per cent of your wages, you may well be able to afford a house share room. Google rent a house share, there's plenty of websites dedicated to it, it's got to be worth a look if you haven't already. Good luck

Actually tbf I am not above saying to DS 'I birthed you, make your mother a cup of tea!' Not that is works and is just met with an eyeroll

You can rent a room in a shared house from approx £400 a month including all bills maybe less in the north. Check gumtree and spareroom, some on spareroom dont ask for a deposit.

Have you really never looked at how much it would cost?

Unless your whereabouts directly affects her (for example she needs to know if you'll be back late so she doesn't worry if she hears the door late at night) then YANBU. This is very controlling behaviour. You also have no reason to be in for her deliveries. She's a grown woman and should make her own arrangements. You should however of course be contributing to communal chores and finances, which I'm sure you do OP

This is totally inappropriate behaviour and what she is charging you for rent is outrageous. You are being abused emotionally and financially OP.

It is reasonable to know roughly when someone is likely to be in or out for practical reasons (locking up, meals). It's not reasonable to micromanage another adult (even if they are your offspring) and certainly not reasonable to respond with sulking and insults

Long term, moving out will help, but her behaviour may manifest itself in other ways.

I agree wholeheartedly with
@UrgentScurryfunge

Your DM is overworrying and overprotective and it's slipping into controlling behaviour. You're a 23 year old adult. Of course family members care about each other and want to make sure you're safe if you live together & are using public transport in dark late at night, unless you say don't wait up.

Your DM hasn't realised you're a grown woman now.
Hopefully once you can afford a place it'll ease off.

It's a shame as I never minded ringing my mum from phone box (i.e. old hat's version of mobile) to say 'don't worry mum I'm running late /or going out with friends, don't wait up, I'll be quiet' ...and always hugged her when she was up waiting for me (she made best hot chocolate!) or snuck open her bedroom door to whisper "love u mum I'm home" (but defo not wake my deaf dad!) Even when I was 21 having returned home after uni. I loved that kindness of caring about my safety. But she didn't intrude and that's the difference and she never once made me feel I owed her details I didn't want to give. She once said I was so worried as I'd disappeared off for two days without saying I was staying at a friend's (I forgot!!)

Tbh as she didn't intrude i rang to say hi briefly even after moving out of home, and it turned out to be free tikea a week, even though it didn't feel that way. But it was my choice and I could miss almost 2 weeks, she wouldn't worry, she'd email me at work to say 'you still alive and eating well? Love you. (And usually a family reminder for something cos got a large cousin/auntie family)'. That only came about as she didn't intrude and we have a fab relationship.

Few times a week (not free tikka!)

OP, I feel sad that your DM is chasing you away as she's being so controlling over your every hour out of the house.

Btw.50% of your wages for rent at home??! That is a lot.
I plan to take some reasonable rent off my DC when they are working FT (not studying) if they return home, and secretly save as much of it as I can for their house deposits.

Taking half of your wages is pretty harsh in my opinion. Look on websites like Rightmove for places to rent and see how much you would need to earn to break free from this controlling behaviour. I would personally even rent a room in a house share or be a lodger than live as you are. It's hard as you probably feel like you have to give in to unreasonable demands when you're living under someone else's roof.