Or is my mum?

[stressedoutsuzie]

I'll try to get everything in the first post but it may be long.

Ok so I'm 23. I still live at home due to a few financial problems, but by the end of the year I will have my own place - I know that this is the solution, but I need to know if I'm unreasonable, and if not. What I can do in the short term to fix this.

Whenever I go out anywhere - be it to work, the gym, shopping, to see friends, my boyfriend etc my mum ALWAYS wants to know where I am. I can't just say I'm going out or it'll be met with a bit of a mood. So I tell her where I'm off, what I'm doing etc. It's just a text message when I'm on my way home, i don't really have a problem with it.

However, whenever I go away from home for a few days, staying with other people, she expects constant updates through the day: one when I wake up, one when I know what I'm doing for the day, another when I'm back in, another when I'm going to bed. And I've been sending them. But sometimes I forget. And she gets really mad at me.

If I go out when she's, for example expecting a parcel she can't be in for - she says I never put my family first, and I don't care about them.

And when she's in a mood, she sulks, throws things around, calls me all sorts of names.

I've asked her why she does this, she says that it's because she cares about me. I like that she cares but I wish she wouldn't demand so much of me?

What can I do? Please. I'm at my wits end

I got this... for years after I left my mother's home!

One day a friend I was staying with didn't have a phone (just moved in and no mobiles then). It was dark and rainy and we didn't know where there was a phonebox, so I didn't ring.

I rang the next day and M went BALLISTIC. It truly was the first time in my life I hadn't reported in, but I just said "Oh you know what I'm like" (a bit embarrassed because we were in a phonebox and my friend was in with me). M said "Yes, I do".

And from then on she loved to complain to others ("You know what hardtoplease is like, she never rings...") even though she never told me to ever again.

This might work OP! Try it.

And get out as soon as you can and STOP the info trail when you do or she'll still expect it.

Cut her slack she's your Mum.... I got a funny feeling if she went no contact with you, you would secretly miss her !!
Still check in with my mum via quick text morning and evening. I expect her to do the same if she goes anywhere. Its called caring for each other

No, don't cut her any slack. She sounds like a control freak. Just because someone else demands it or does it, doesn't mean you are cut from the same cloth.

Treat her how normal adults treat other adults including their parents.

She's definitely overbearing. My mum is quite anxious and likes to know where I am sometimes (e.g town and hotel if I'm working away). I don't mind this and would rather let her know as I know she'd get very upset if she didn't know.

Your situation is another level! I think you need to stop updating her at all. When you move out it's not going to change.

No. It's not caring. It's controlling behaviour which she disguises as caring in the hope it's tolerated.

Thanks everyone. I'm going to try and get her to back off a bit - It's just the reaction I'm worrying about. It sounds daft because I'm not scared of her, I just don't want to live in a house where I feel like I'm not wanted!

You have my sympathy. My mother was unbearable when I moved back in with her after university (not really my choice - she insisted I had to get a postgraduate qualification because she said I'd be unemployable with just a BA, then told me I had to live at home even though I could have shared with friends). She wouldn't let me cut my hair to shoulder length (apparently that would make me unemployable too) and I was mostly only allowed to go to campus to work in the library one day a week because she suddenly decided that her perfectly healthy, fairly young dog needed someone at home with it all day. One time, I forgot my phone when I went into uni, so I called her at lunch and said I hoped to be home at my usual time but, if my train was late and I missed the bus at the station, I wouldn't have any way of contacting her so she mustn't worry if I was forty-five minutes late. I was forty-five minutes late and she met me at the front door in floods of tears shouting about how could I do this to her and she'd thought something terrible had happened to me.

I don't have any answers, I'm afraid. As someone said above, it's not about you. Keep repeating that to yourself and get out when you can.

It is reasonable to know roughly when someone is likely to be in or out for practical reasons (locking up, meals). It's not reasonable to micromanage another adult (even if they are your offspring) and certainly not reasonable to respond with sulking and insults.

Long term, moving out will help, but her behaviour may manifest itself in other ways.

Still check in with my mum via quick text morning and evening. I expect her to do the same if she goes anywhere. Its called caring for each other

Disagree with this. There's a massive difference between writing texts a few times a day because you happen to want to and demanding information from an adult about their plans and whereabouts and stropping and throwing things if you don't get it. The latter isn't a result of caring it's clearly something wrong (anxiety disorder? Controlling tendencies? who knows)

I don't think she's a particularly happy person if I'm honest - she doesn't really have any friends outside of her family, and perhaps she's jealous(?) of me having a life outside of the house, and it manifests this way.

I don't understand why she'd be jealous mind, my life isn't that fun!

I have absolutely no issue letting her know I'm not going to be home, or I'll be late home, for the meals/licking up etc - but she takes it to the next level.

I've been thinking about it, and she is quite controlling to my sister too. She's 21 and works in a pub, and if she's working late my mum will sit and wait up for her every night (even if she's up early the next morning) - I'm not sure if that's controlling or just being a mum? I think my views could be skewed though.

I don't know if I'm even making sense, but writing it all down helps

Locking up - not licking up

Yes she could be jealous. But it's very taboo (for a parent to be jealous of their own child and fucked up) so a lot won't believe you.

Toxic Parents is a helpful book. You will need firm boundaries.

i live track my dd catching a train, but because I have to meet her off the train to drive her home!
As the mother of a 23 year old, can I suggest you answer your phone less, tell her it was on Silent.
go and stay with friends more often
sounds like the more she pushes you the further you will run, understandably.

Can you start cooking for yourself op - less worry about meal times?

Why can't you move out without " saving and saving". Is a room in a shared house or being a lodger not possible?

Calling you names is appalling though. Can you have a heart to heart about her attitude?

This is why I left at 18 and built my whole life round never needing to move back. I am resonating so much with everything you write. Both of my parents are like this.

People have made some helpful suggestions but if she’s anything like my folks then all that will happen is it’ll get worse and worse and because you live there and are so conditioned to being responsible for her mood it’s likely you’ll break first.

You need to move out. Saving for a house can wait. In these situations rent is never a waste (or move in with your boyfriend?)

If you already pay her rent is it that much of a step up to pay real rent?

When you move you. You decide how much contact and then you have to ‘not notice’ her response. It’s super weird being bright and breezy with someone whose sulking/seething but over a long time, when you’re not there in it and have your actual own space, it may more.

• work not more

Do you realise you’re paying her to mistreat you? Time to put your big girl pants on.

I think you need to have a talk with your mum and tell her that it is not acceptable and is likely to damage your relationship permanently.
I have a 20 yo son who has gone to stay at his grandparents' while they are on holiday for some peace & quiet. After the initial telling me what his plans were I have left him to it. I know that as soon as there is any problem (i.e. wasp in the bedroom ), he will be straight on the phone to me.

Do you have a full time job? Would you consider a house share somewhere, renting a room?

Still check in with my mum via quick text morning and evening. I expect her to do the same if she goes anywhere. Its called caring for each other

You expect your mum to check in with you? You know that's controlling right? It's not caring. Caring is allowing people to live their own lives without having to check in all the time. The very fact that you expect your mother to check in is what makes it controlling.

OP can you elaborate about the financial situation and why it's going to take you another 7 months before you can move out? Maybe we can offer suggestions on how to go sooner, because you need to leave this toxic place asap.

You know it costs a minimum of 1k to rent somewhere, you need a deposit plus first months rent - if she has no savings, it could take her a good while to save that up.
I'm sure people think anyone can just move whenever they want to 🤦🏼‍♀️