Friend ‘escorting’ for money

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She’s a single parent and does this at nights. It’s a terrible idea and I’m so against it but she keeps saying it’s the only way. What can I do?

I don't want to shut sex workers up, or tell you that you can't sell sex. But I do reserve the right to have an opinion on prostitution, on punters and pimps. Thinking that prostitution is bad for women generally (not specific sex workers who like what they do) and for society isn't paternalistic crap, it's a different opinion and a valid one.

I don't really get the argument about how if she's doing it because it's the only way to earn money it must be psychologically damaging and / or economic coercion.

There are loads of jobs nobody really wants to do - cleaning nightclub toilets after a Saturday rave, slaughtering animals in an abbatoir, breaking up fatbergs in sewers. So why do people do them? Because the jobs are available and they need the money, that's why. Why is sex work any different? I would 100% rather be paid to have sex than paid to break up fatbergs or kill animals.

Having sex when you don't want to because you have no other way of making money is not the same as working as a cleaner and I think it's disingenuous if people claim they can't tell the difference.

Sex work is not a job like any other. It is more intimate for the individual concerned. It also affects attitudes to women in general - gives the impression that all women's bodies are for sale and all we are is walking wank socks. Many men do not need encouragement along those lines, they feel fully entitled to take what they want from women enough already.

Surely that's a question for the individual? @assassinatesbeauty For some women, sex work is a far preferable job to others that might be available. Why shouldn't they be able to do what works for them just because it isn't what you would choose to do?

@WrongOnTheInternet sex workers don't sell their bodies, they sell their labour just like any other worker. Bodies can't be bought and sold. They can only ever be the possession of their owners, and I truly think it's misogynistic to suggest otherwise. Sex workers aren't 'wank socks'. They're autonomous individuals who are perfectly capable of deciding for themselves what job is best for them.

I agree that male entitlement is an issue but that isn't the fault of sex workers any more than men stereotypically being worse at housework is the fault of cleaners. If a man thinks that one woman agreeing to have sex in return for money means that all women are fair game, it's HIS fault, not the fault of any of the women concerned.

There's a difference between a woman choosing to be a sex worker and a woman doing it because she has no other options.

I'd be worried sick if one of my friends was in the latter group.

Yes to many women there is a difference between cleaning for money and letting a man you find unattractive ejaculate inside you and pretending to enjoy it, whilst hoping he doesn't hurt you and pays up at the end.

If your friend is unhappy about doing sex work then that is really sad that she has no other options at the moment. I would ask her if there is anything you can do to help, and be there if she wants to talk to you about it, and be careful to not sound judgemental and listen to her.

I vehemently disagree with judging sex workers, and especially can’t stand the snide comments people deem acceptable to throw at them.

OP I have a friend who did sex work, I was very concerned for her safety and suggested some kind of text system so that she could text one of us (friends) when a client arrived and when he left. That way we knew she was safe and if she didn’t text by an agreed time we would send the police.

Thankfully it never happened. She isn’t doing it any more, but I never judged her for it, I worried because it can be dangerous but she had her own safeguards in place and was confident in her choice. And it was a choice.

I have had difficult choices in my life. SW offered a way through them. Be supportive. Don't judge.

I'm sorry, call me naive, but I don't believe in 2018 Britain that single mothers are forced into prostitution in order to provide food and shelter to their young children. I just don't.

She has choices. If she wants to get into sex work then fair play to her. It's legal and it's a job like any other, with it's risks and rewards.

It completely broke a friend of mine, I made sure she knew I would support her any way I could, she always called to let me know where she was when working, but as a poster has said upthread it doesn’t always have negative consequences, just always be there for her at the end of the phone and let her know she can trust you with anything

Difficult one.

She probably earns more from 3 nights than a full months stacking shelves.

I'm sorry, call me naive, but I don't believe in 2018 Britain that single mothers are forced into prostitution in order to provide food and shelter to their young children. I just don't

Have you read the news recently? Sanctions, cuts, rising rents, extortionate childcare, low wages, zero hour contracts, child maintenance having more loopholes than solutions....the list is endless. I can well believe it can be forced on some women as the only alternative to starvation. I wish it wasn’t realistic, but it is.

I have seen increasing numbers of Trots coming on here and making the argument that all work is exploitative and therefore why is sex work any worse?

I agree we are all exploited by capitalism and I am unhappy with many aspects of my working conditions at the moment, but it would be crass in the extreme for me to suggest that my job in an office, in which I can sit down with a paid-for-by-my-client coffee is equally as exploitative as the work done by cockle pickers in the Morecambe Bay disaster.

Stop it. It is undermining good socialist arguments!

YANBU

To comodify a woman's body can never be sold to me as female empowerment.

To say its the labour that's for sale not the body is like saying I buy the milk from the supermarket but not the milk carton because I put that in the recycling. Sure I don't keep the carton but I don't get the milk without the use of the other.

Letting someone actually into your body means that you have to detach your mind from what is happening. BUT we know the mind/body is inextricably linked. This means that often women have to 'self medicate' to help numb it and therefore begins a damaging downward cycle. If the reliance on drugs/alcohol wasn't there in the first place.

For the men who use sex workers for company (at best) and/or to treat like a sexual puppet (- a thing and not a breathing/thinking/vital women)- it does not help them create meaningful relationships. It encourages secrecy and forms a scab over their heart - they become hard. (That is not meant to be funny but hey..(!))
It is deadening to their soul.

Its dangerous.

FYI for three and a half years I used to voluntarily go out between 11pm and 1am to take care packages to the sex workers in our local red light district. I am not speaking from a place of uniformed ignorance nor pious judgement.

I think to really help your friend you could consider getting her the contact details of local charities that can help women look through different benefits that she can be entitled to. Eg CAP
Be an emergency contact.

Surely as a group of intelligent women on mumsnet together we could come up with some alternatives for women?

lostinJapan
You sound like my wealthy mother. Blinkered.

Keep things normal and be her friend as always. My only concern would be if she was doing in calls at home with her children present.

But personally I’ve known a number of friends who’ve done sex work over the years. None were the stereotypical trafficked, exploited woman that MN goes on about. All were educated (some with PhDs) women working for themselves, very entrepreneurial. I work in a field where I engage with lots of sex workers professionally as well and that’s been my experience more times than not. I’ve not met many who were ‘exploited.’ So I think be there for your friend and support her and don’t judge her and that’s about it.

She’s not being forced to have sex with people. She’s chosen to do it because the money is good. Some people don’t mind having sex with random people, some actually enjoy it and knowing your getting money for it is even better.

OP, there’s not much you can do other than be her friend and if she wants to find another job maybe you could help her look?

I am a bit concerned about the whole 'butt out' and 'it's her choice'. The sex industry treats women like shit. I can't see many women actually wanting to rent their bodies out to random men. They do it because the system is so fucked up that it seems like the best option for the time being. You should continue to support her, but speak to her about whether she can see some way of getting out of this.

The 'happy hooker' myth is really damaging. I am sure there will be someone along soon to say that sex work is loads of fun, empowering and that she has a yacht and a mansion. I don't think that reflects the reality of 90% of the workers though and I think that long-term it will have negative psychological effects. Not to mention the huge risk of violence, sexual assault and STDs.

Wazflimflam

Off thread, but I didn’t realise there were any such things as good socialist arguments... as someone clever once said, capitalism is the best of several bad systems

Back on thread - her body her choice

I can vouch for Brazenhussy upthread: I know her. She's perfectly sane and stable.

I have been a cleaner and a prostitute. They're about the same to me, only prostitution pays a lot better. Sure, I can survive without selling sex, but I want my kids to have all the naice things everyone else wants for theirs on mumsnet.

If someone thinks I'm a "cum dumpster" I don't care. I'm too busy living my life and doing what suits me.

That said, it's not easy or glamorous. If you're not cut out for it, it will fuck you up.

Some good points being made here about how many sex workers are exploited. That is sadly true. But the message coming from the vast majority of sex workers is that legalisation and destigmatisation are the two single most important things that can be done to improve their working conditions and ensure their safety.

Just like you can't legally prevent abortions, only safe ones, you can't legally prevent sex work. You can only make it unsafe.

Can anyone explain to me why sex work is selling your body but other work isn't? Why is that if you're scrubbing toilets you're selling a service but when you're having sex you are selling yourself? And don't say it's because sex is more intimate or personal because that may be true for you but it just isn't true for everyone!

Having sex for money isn't OK. No I wouldn't approve either. But I'd stay friends with the person.

It's already legal in the UK and the stigma is fine by me. If everyone thought like I do in regards to fucking random strangers, it would pay no more than cleaning toilets.