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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at this

85 replies

kezzy13 · 26/04/2018 09:12

Dh told me last night that one of his friends called me fat and ugly.
Came out with it completely out of the blue. I don't mind the friends opinion because that is in fact my own opinion of myself, but I don't understand why dh felt the need to tell me?

Aibu?

OP posts:
Poshindevon · 26/04/2018 09:15

He told you because that is what he thinks about you. If he loved and supported you. The person who made the comment would no longer be his friend.
YANBU.

VanillaPriscilla · 26/04/2018 09:15

That’s just nasty

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 26/04/2018 09:17

completely depends on the context and your own relationship with your DH. Most men I know wouldn't tolerate that kind of comments in the first place, did they end up in a fight?

Original poster
kezzy13 · 26/04/2018 09:22

No, no fight. Am wondering if it's dh's way of telling me he wants me to lose weight. I do have serious food issues, and am morbidly obese, dh has always told me he loves me the way I am. He is something of a 'feeder', ie will come home most days with a cake or choc for both of us, I haven't yet discovered the willpower to say no.
I've asked him not to bring them home but all I get is 'oops sorry I forgot you said no more'

OP posts:
whiteradiator · 26/04/2018 09:28

What did DH say in response to friends comment? I hope he stuck up for you!

Original poster
kezzy13 · 26/04/2018 09:29

He wouldn't tell me Hmm

OP posts:
flubdub · 26/04/2018 09:30

YANBU Thanks
He shouldn't have told you. My husband would have straight away blocked this man out of his life.
But I would wonder, as do you, if it was my DH's way of telling me to lose weight. He can't really be that bothered about your weight though if he comes home with cakes and things for you.
Why don't you ask your DH why he told you?

Raven88 · 26/04/2018 09:30

Why is that your opinion of yourself? Does your DH say things that make you feel bad about your appearance?

Original poster
kezzy13 · 26/04/2018 09:31

raven88
I've always seen myself that way

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 26/04/2018 09:34

Whilst that’s a deeply nasty comment, the person you need to be upset with is your DH. Firstly he brings you foods which are seriously harming you even though you’ve asked him not to and secondly he repeats that remark ( which you have no way of knowing is true anyway).

He’s not as ‘D’ as you might think.

Bluntness100 · 26/04/2018 09:35

I would also think that's your husbands way of telling you something. Who the fuck would say that about someone's wife, and who would tell their wife their friend said it. The relationship should be over between them.

And you may be "fat" but you're not ugly. They are the ugly ones.

Merryoldgoat · 26/04/2018 09:36

OP - I am in s similar physical position to you but with a decent DH.

I am morbidly obese and my DH is a cooking fanatic - we were eating ridiculous food most nights plus snacks and cakes.

However I had a wake up call. He’s eating healthily with me, encouraging me, he’s my biggest cheerleader.

He thinks that even at over 20 stone I’m a PRIZE and that he’s lucky to have me. He’s proud of me. He would NEVER countenance someone calling me names like that. NEVER.

Being obese tells people you probably eat too much of the wrong stuff. THAT’S IT.

It doesn’t mean you’re lazy.

It doesn’t mean you’re ugly.

It doesn’t mean you are worthless.

It doesn’t mean you’re stupid.

It doesn’t mean you’re not deserving of kindness.

Time for a serious talk with your husband. Who knows - maybe getting rid will give you some confidence to make more changes if he can’t see how utterly awful he’s been to tell you that.

greendale17 · 26/04/2018 09:36

Firstly he brings you foods which are seriously harming you even though you’ve asked him not to

^The OP is a grown adult. She can say no but chooses not to

happymumof4crazykids · 26/04/2018 09:37

Seriously? My DH would kick off at someone who said that about me. Why won't he tell you what he said back?

Whatshallidonowpeople · 26/04/2018 09:38

You need to get help to understand why you feel this way
Good luck Flowers

mickeysminnie · 26/04/2018 09:43

It is a horrible comment but I would use it to force your husband on side. Tell him no more cakes etc. If he is happy to listen to his friend talk about you like that he obviously agrees and so will be happy to help you make changes.
It is your opinion of yourself that matters. If you are not happy. Take the bull by the horns and start making small changes.

Storm4star · 26/04/2018 09:46

That’s disgusting of your DH. If this so called friend even said that, your DH should have stuck up for you and certainly not come home and said it.

IMO feeders are actually abusive. If your H was starving you and not allowing you access to food that would be clear cut abuse. He knows you lack the willpower to say no to fattening foods but brings them anyway, to me that is also abuse. Look at it this way, if you were a recovering alcoholic and he brought you alcohol every day clearly he wouldn’t have your best interests at heart. Same with this.

The fact he wants you to be overweight (so in his eyes you will be unattractive to others) along with putting you down like this, is very controlling. You are with an abusive man. It seems your confidence is already at rock bottom and he is making you feel that if you left him you’d never meet anyone else.

If you don’t feel ready to leave him (though I honestly hope you consider it) then work on you. Do everything and anything you can to build up your confidence. Start going for walks or join a slimming group, join some women only classes. Get yourself out there and away from his influence and you will see you are worth way more than this.

MatildaTheCat · 26/04/2018 09:47

Greendale the OP has said she has difficulty with willpower when faced with cake etc. He brings it anyway even though she’s asked him not to. She calls him ‘a feeder’. That’s not how loving partners support their DW. It’s a means of keeping them fat and unhappy.

TinkyWinky40 · 26/04/2018 09:49

Wow.

I’m not sure I believe the friend said this, are you sure it’s not your husband using the friend to say what he thinks? Either way, it’s disgusting behaviour and he should be helping you not hindering you.

I’d be raging 😤 my husband would knock the fu*k out of a so-called “friend”, not repeating it to me.

Stormy76 · 26/04/2018 09:52

Why would he tell you that, that's a really horrible thing to tell someone.

If you think that's how he feels then you will have to confront him about it. I understand that it is very hard when someone brings home cake etc but he isn't forcing you to eat it.... so just don't eat it. Have you been to your GP for some support with losing weight? If you feel it's time to make a real change then do it, but stop eating the crap he brings home, you can't blame him if you then eat it....that's all on you

sameoldsame · 26/04/2018 09:52

Fuck that shit. WTAF
that is fucking horrendous.
I would never comment on a friends partner, I would never relay that someone had said that.
If someone said that, I would tell them to fuck off and I would struggle to be friends with them again.
He is not on your side

JessicaJonesJacket · 26/04/2018 09:54

He told you to make you feel bad. It's that simple.
I also agree with a PP that being a feeder when you're struggling to lose weight is part of an abusive cycle. He is unsupportive of you losing weight then he calls you names by proxy
Your reaction is completely understandable. He has worn down your confidence Flowers

Idontdowindows · 26/04/2018 09:56

He is something of a 'feeder', ie will come home most days with a cake or choc for both of us,

Hmmmm. That's not very helpful is it. I know if my spouse wanted to lose weight (oh wait he is trying to lose weight and I am doing these things!) I would be helping him out by not bringing all of the snacks into the house.

I would be bringing a reasonable amount of snacks in, because adults do get to choose for themselves, but psychological hunger is just as much a problem when trying to lose weight than physical hunger is.

I still bake cakes, but slice and freeze (he is still free to get whatever he wants of course, I'm not going to police his eating) and take out once a while. He still buys chocolate, but one bar of good quality chocolate instead of 10 bars of cheap stuff.

We plan our meals and I either find healthy alternatives or just don't make as much (which is a bit hard on me as I always made more than we needed "just in case we had visitors", but that just invites overeating) so that we don't have leftovers.

Just like he supports me in my health issues, I support him in his health issues (which is what weight is largely).

Even if OP is an adult and needs to show her own dedication to losing weight, the husband should at least be supporting her by facilitating and encouraging, not bringing loads of cakes and snacks into the house and then vicariously telling OP she's fat. It's really not very nice behaviour on his part.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/04/2018 09:56

Whatever you do Lovely, don't let someone else's ignorance break you.
Remember, should you wish, you can lose weight, your husbands friend, will always be a shit.

FranticallyPeaceful · 26/04/2018 09:57

Abusive imo. Feeds you and then makes comments like that, it’s controlling and abusive. Making you feel like nothing so he has full control over you as you won’t think you deserve attention elsewhere.

Leave! You’re worth everything to lots of other people, you just may not have found them yet