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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at this

85 replies

kezzy13 · 26/04/2018 09:12

Dh told me last night that one of his friends called me fat and ugly.
Came out with it completely out of the blue. I don't mind the friends opinion because that is in fact my own opinion of myself, but I don't understand why dh felt the need to tell me?

Aibu?

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/04/2018 09:57

Your dh is a feeder. I agree with a pp. Feeders are abusive. They want their partners to become more and more incapacitated and dependant on them so that they cannot leave them. From what I understand, it’s a psychological fear of being left.

To add insult to injury, not only is he feeding you but he’s also in some way blaming you for your weight and not taking control of his part. Is there any way you could get some therapy or support? How mobile are you?

TolpuddleFarterOATB · 26/04/2018 10:04

I think you might be in an abusive relationship. "Feeding" you and then insulting you will be a way of sending you into confusion and a tail spin which will help him keep control.

If you can, try and think rationally and try and plan an exit route.

Mrsmadevans · 26/04/2018 10:06

I have been obese most of my life, not now though. My DH has never ever ever said anything like this to me and he wouldn't dream of telling me what anyone said to him about me. He wouldn't want to hurt me. He loves me no matter what. The same as l love him no matter what. Your DH and you really need to clear the air about this. Have you thought that you may have a FOOD ADDICTION/BINGE EATING DISORDER my dear?
I am so sorry he has betrayed you like this but you really need to sort it out with him asap before this does great damage to your relationship. I would feel very hurt and not trust him in future l don't know how you really feel about it but you come across as a bit in shock to me. Good luck my dear.

Serialweightwatcher · 26/04/2018 10:13

In my opinion, the only reason someone would relay that information to you in that way would be to put you down and keep you down - if your DH wanted you to diet, surely he's quite capable of bringing up the subject without being so rude and hurtful and forever bringing stuff in to tempt you is not a nice thing to do - yes, you're an adult but obviously find it hard to eat correctly hence your weight, which he knows - if he brought you some pieces of salmon and healthy foods but he isn't. If a friend of mine said that about my partner, I would give them what for and not tell my partner - it can only hurt. Your DH is an enabler by the sound of it - get strong, get healthy and get out

Juells · 26/04/2018 10:15

Sounds more like it's his way of controlling you. Feed you lots of cake and chocolate so you put on weight, then tell you you're fat. Well DUH!

FASH84 · 26/04/2018 10:17

I have been obese in the past and lost four and a half stone a few years ago, my weight still fluctuates a bit just not to previous extremes, DH is very supportive but not judgy, what makes it tricky is that he is a very slim six foot four and struggles to maintain a healthy weight (I know I hate him too, but as a man it effects him to be called scrawny etc so it goes both ways). I just usually make healthy dinners etc but he has twice as much as me and the snacks I buy in are things he likes and I don't eg Snickers 🤮. He bought me flowers at Easter because he knows I'm trying to be good at the moment having put nearly a stone on since Christmas and our wedding (lost my motivation). The only reason he would tell me someone had made a nasty comment about me, would be to also tell me how he defended me and why he's distancing himself from said person. He also tells me whenever i day to him I've got to be a bit stricter with food and go to the gym more, that he thinks I'm beautiful and loves me, but it's up to me. Have you told DH how that made you feel that he not only told you the horrible comment but also didn't have your back?

Addictedtohavingbabies · 26/04/2018 10:19

Your husband shouldn't have told you his friend said that, no good can ever come from you knowing that someone thinks such a horrible hurtful thing about you.
And your husband should no longer be friends with this person. He should be fully on your side. I hope you are ok.

bonbonlavie · 26/04/2018 10:20

Naaaaaaaaaah fuck the friend and the DH.

That is incredibly nasty a) to say and b) to repeat back to someone.

elfies · 26/04/2018 10:21

You might not always be fat, but he will always be cruel.

TheJoyOfSox · 26/04/2018 10:26

Just because your DH is a feeder, that doesn’t mean you have to be an eater.

I think your DH was completely in the wrong for passing on this message, but just think how satisfying it would be to say no to the treats every night and get control of your own body again.
When you get back to a healthy weight and look great again you can be as smug as you want to your DH and his arsehole friend.

Your DH is a bit of a twat, as is his friend.
You may be fat now, but you can take control of your body, your husband and his friend will always be ignorant pigs.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 26/04/2018 10:32

I echo what others have said here, but also wanted to add that I would have persisted in asking DH what his reply was - that would tell me everything. The only ugly one in this scenario is most definitely not you my lovely

Juells · 26/04/2018 10:51

just think how satisfying it would be to say no to the treats every night and get control of your own body again.

^This. Do it even as an experiment to see what his reaction is when you don't cave and eat the yummy chocolate. Will he get annoyed at the 'waste'? Will he start bringing even more^ delicious stuff to tempt you? You need to be smart about this or you'll end up as a shut-in.

Germantree · 26/04/2018 12:13

What an incredibly hurtful thing for your husband to say to you, whether it was a comment from his friend or not. If I were you I would be having a serious talk with him about just what the hell he was expecting your reaction to be in saying that to you and demanding an apology from him for his thoughtlessness and disrespect. I have no experience of 'feeders' or abuse as others have suggested but if some of the comments suggesting he is manipulating you/controlling you ring true then I hope you know that you deserve better and have a strong support network in place.

cakecakecheese · 26/04/2018 12:49

I'm also concerned by the lack of support from your husband, there was absolutely no need to tell you what his friend said. When I was married I was dieting and my then husband knew this and did things like buying me flowers instead of chocolate at Easter and if he wanted junk would eat it when I wasn't with him. Maybe you do need to be firmer with him about that sort of thing as you really should be with someone who has got your back.

inTIRFace · 26/04/2018 13:08

DH's friend is a twat. My mostly non-violent DH would have smacked him in the face.

Your DH is, I suspect, worried. The term "feeder" is simply you passing on the buck. Is he worried and afraid of how to broach your morbid obesity? I think that being morbidly obese is selfish - like smoking. It's foolish to think it only has an effect on the smoker / eater.

HumanBeans · 26/04/2018 13:11

I would be demanding to know what his response was! Him refusing to tell you speaks volumes.

get control of your own body again

And this 100%

Idontdowindows · 26/04/2018 13:17

Just because your DH is a feeder, that doesn’t mean you have to be an eater.

No, but the psychological component to food and all that it entails makes it very hard to resist. Having a partner who keeps putting temptation in your face is a complication in relearning how to think about and deal with food.

Partner is being an arsehole.

Your idea about saying no to him is a really good way to start, I agree. It gives you something to stand up against OP. :)

Juells · 26/04/2018 13:18

Maybe the friend never said anything at all?

Juells · 26/04/2018 13:22

Sorry, posted too soon. I fell out with a very long-term friend because she told her husband that I'd said he was an alcoholic. He then got in a snot with me. I asked her to explain to him that I hadn't said it, and she wouldn't, because he 'needed to hear it' and wouldn't accept it if he thought only she thought so.

Between the nasty comment and the cake being brought home it sounds a bit fucked up, though.

Feb2018mumma · 26/04/2018 13:25

It's okay to tell you if followed by 'and we will never see them again', to tell you and not elaborate on what he said back seems unnecessarily mean!

lindyhopy · 26/04/2018 13:28

I would have my doubts as to whether the friend actually said this. They may have said overweight but what kind of friend calls someone's wife ugly?
Either way it sounds like this is what your husband thinks of you.

Mousefunky · 26/04/2018 13:32

Firstly, if your DH thinks you’re so ‘ugly’, why marry you? He obviously finds you attractive to some extent else he wouldn’t still be with you. Secondly, if he has an issue with your weight himself, he shouldn’t be encouraging you to remain that weight by bringing you unhealthy foods home every night. And thirdly, he shouldn’t have told you what the friend said at all, instead he should’ve backed you up and if needs be, dropped the friend. This is like when bitchy ‘friends’ tell people what others have been saying behind their back, completely unnecessary and a form of bullying imo.

You don’t deserve this but perhaps let this be your wake up call since you feel so terrible about your appearance. If he brings unhealthy food home, find that inner strength to just say no. Let him eat it if he wants but remember your goals and don’t give in. Go easy on yourself and stop putting yourself down, it never helps anyone. If you do lose the weight, you may find yourself in a position like I did following a large weight loss and have the confidence to drop an even heftier weight- your husband.

Eatalot · 26/04/2018 13:38

Op I feel for you as I have been there. The vicious circle of self hatred that means no willpower which reinforces the feelings of worthlessness. Its so much easier to diet when you feel happier. Being shamed into it by your DH is not the way. You must first work on building your self confidence and focusing on how wonderful you are as a person. Your weight does not define you. The only reason to lose weight is health not to look better for your dh or so his twat of a friend.

For the record unless your husband has social issues and often blurts out things people say he told you this to hurt you or fat shame you into loosing weight. A loving supportive partner would not do this.

MissionItsPossible · 26/04/2018 13:43

WTF? That is just plain nasty. I would consider ending the relationship. Who does that? What a nasty weirdo.

PretABoire · 26/04/2018 13:43

Fuck the pair of them OP. Nasty nasty individuals. Next time you're out and about take a look at all the different shapes and sizes of people around you, and make an effort to notice what is beautiful about each of them - NO ONE is ugly. Including you.

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