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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay for baby shower?

123 replies

Eighteenmurray · 25/04/2018 22:07

My friend is having a baby shower. She’s one of my best friends so there’s no real choice but to attend. Not keen on going at all, but I’ll go for her. She’s organised it to be in a function room of a social club. She’s pleased because she’ll only have to charge £15 per head.

I thought she meant that’s all she’d have to pay, but no, that’s what she’s charging the guests to attend to cover the costs.

AIBU in thinking this is ridiculous?

OP posts:

Shanster · 27/04/2018 01:45

At least take on the American precedence if you insist on picking up the baby shower custom. The baby shower here is provided by the mother’s best friend. Whoever that is pays for the food and drink and ‘hosts’ the event. It’s poor form to throw your own baby shower. To be fair, here it’s a pretty low key event, generally hosted in someone’s home rather than a restaurant or social club!!

Seahawk80 · 27/04/2018 07:08

I didn't have a baby shower as I was about to be referred for ivf when I got pregnant and used to find going to them so hard. I just had afternoon tea with my mum and sisters at a hotel (at their suggestion so they were happy to pay). To be honest though I find them so tacky and grabby. The last one I was invited to was for a second baby. The invite said no gifts please as we already have everything- I thought that was nice.....followed by a list of
shops that she would like vouchers for! I was busy that day.

for you op and I hope a few stiff drinks get you through the day.

YouAndMeAreGoingToFallOut · 27/04/2018 07:57

I think baby showers in the UK just don’t work. It’s not part of the cultural tradition and we don’t know how to do them properly. The tradition here is to give a gift when baby is born, and it feels hideously awkward not to, and so people end up feeling they have to buy two presents and get resentful.

MakeMineALarge1 · 27/04/2018 08:10

I don't like baby showers, I think they are incredibly arrogant and showy. "look at me I am pregnant", well love you aren't the first and you won't be the last.

Wait until baby is here, safe and sound, then let's celebrate.

Original poster

Eighteenmurray · 27/04/2018 11:30

Theme? Theme? There is going to be a theme????

Yep. Apparently the theme is going to be prince and princess. I can't wait.

OP posts:

DesertSky · 27/04/2018 13:02

I’ve got 3 children of my own and never considered having a baby shower. Each to their own but I kind of feel strange about people (other than the mother or close family) buying gifts for the baby before it’s born. I’d much rather wait until the baby is born - often you can’t guarantee the sex or know how big they will be (they could already be in 0-3 months clothes for example!), and somehow as a mum I’d feel more comfortable waiting for the safe arrival of the baby before celebrating? It also leaves people feeling awkward if they don’t bring the baby another gift when they meet him/her for the first time!
Personal opinions aside - I do find it pretty shocking to expect guests to actually pay £15 or actually any money towards a baby shower when they are expected to bring gifts on top. This is more than cheeky and no excuse for a low key house/garden or even park gathering which would be free! I think today’s society has gone nuts.

DesertSky · 27/04/2018 13:04

*there’s no excuse not to have a low-key house/garden party or even gathering in a local park (weather permitting!)

givemesteel · 27/04/2018 13:26

If there will be lunch then OK to charge but she should cover the cost of the room hire in my opinion. Depends if buffet would be a proper lunch or if it is just a few crisps and sausage rolls.

Throwing your own baby shower is sad though. She sounds pretty determined to have one.

expatinscotland · 27/04/2018 13:40

'If there will be lunch then OK to charge but she should cover the cost of the room hire in my opinion. Depends if buffet would be a proper lunch or if it is just a few crisps and sausage rolls.'

It really isn't, mostly because baby showers were never intended to be full on meals, just a couple of hours on a weekend afternoon between lunch and dinner.

ZoeWashburne · 27/04/2018 13:47

This is another Americanism that has been completely bastardised by the UK (like school proms).

A baby shower in America is hosted by 1-2 close friends (never family, and certainly NEVER thrown by the mum-to-be). It is in the hosts' home or inexpensive venue and the hosts pay for everything (light refreshments, cake etc). Guests bring a small gift and it lasts maybe 2 hours. There is no second gift once the baby arrives. And it is only for the first baby and for essentials. It is considered rude to have showers for each subsequent baby.

You can't invite people to a gift-giving party and make them pay. I would be "busy" that day.

livefornaps · 27/04/2018 14:00

I heard Abba have reformed.

Get pissed . hijack the disco. Practice thrusting.

HeckyPeck · 27/04/2018 14:10

I'd go, pay and celebrate my close friend's impending bundle of joy. Mainly because I like my friends and enjoy sharing their happiness

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 27/04/2018 14:31

If it was a good friend, I would actually say to them ‘you can’t charge people AND expect a present Sandra! That’s a bonkers idea- people won’t come’ in a friendly voice.

Redglitter · 27/04/2018 14:36

I'm so glad my friends are all past the having babies stage & I don't get subjected to this kind of thing

Anniegetyourgun · 27/04/2018 14:43

Apparently the theme is going to be prince and princess

If they're old enough to have a baby they must surely be too old to do this #shudder#

1981m · 27/04/2018 15:01

I always thought a baby shower should be arranged by someone else not the pregnant person themselves. That's pretty grabby. Plus she's charging you to go! Very unreasonable

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 27/04/2018 15:27

The idea behind baby showers is lovely- a sort of community thing, with women helping each other etc. Very uplifting and supportive. I'd bet that when they started there was a lot less baby tat around though, so you'd be looking at making sure there were enough nappies, clothes etc rather than a massive mountain of mostly useless gadgets and widgets.

I do also agree that in this country we haven't really "got it" and what is being sneered at as American tackiness is more UK bastardisation of a perfectly nice custom. Perhaps we should just accept that we aren't good at baby showers and leave them alone. Except for the cake. Cake is fine. (Unless you count the baby shower cakes on Cake wrecks- there's no excuse for that!).

Original poster

Eighteenmurray · 27/04/2018 16:37

If they're old enough to have a baby they must surely be too old to do this #shudder#

The theme was her mother’s idea, my friend only chose the venue, all the rest is to be a surprise. I know I’m sounding increasingly miserable about it but it’s not even scheduled until the end of September. It’s going to be months of hearing about it.

OP posts:

emss55 · 30/04/2018 14:35

Really do not believe in this American habit that has made it's way over here. Fair enough give present when baby has safely arrived, too much can go wrong, until they are out and screaming well God forbid you just never know. However words fail me on charging people to arrend and give presents. Plain rude.

Takfujuimoto · 30/04/2018 14:42

Expat I really don’t understand how the U.K. has taken a nice gentle American tradition and made it so tacky...

It's certainly a conundrum.

YANBU op, cheeky fuckery and grabby to the extreme.

No thank you.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/04/2018 15:03

My sil is American and said that people buy generous baby shower gifts because it helps the parents meet the cost of having a first baby in a country with high medical costs, little maternity benefits etc. Then when it's your turn, you get the same, so costs are effectively spread. Sil didn't have to buy nappies for months, which was rrally helpful. Sil's was organised through her church community iirc - these communities are meeting a need that the state doesn't in America.
In the UK, we don't have the same costs esp re medical bills, so it feels a bit grabby here. Also I think Brits are more keen to buy for a baby once it is safely born.

Goldmonday · 30/04/2018 16:12

I wouldn't be going. But I don't go to any baby showers.

So you pay for your place there, no doubt pay for a gift and then have to pay for another gift when baby is born. What a load of nonsense.

RuggerHug · 30/04/2018 17:23

It's not until SEPTEMBER?!? Oh holy fuck....OP💐

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