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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's inappropriate for the TA to try to invite herself to my house?

128 replies

TenGinBottles · 25/04/2018 11:54

DS has a school trip coming up. He can't go because it will make him physically unwell (SN). I spoke to the teacher and asked her what she wanted me to do, call him in sick, take him out for the morning etc

TA called back to say she won't be on the trip and he could go into school after the others have left. Could sit in on the Yr3 class and then do some 1:1 work with her. Then she said maybe it's not a good idea because they're the boys who pick on DS, so he could come in a lesson later. I said I was working from home so could bring him in whenever. I asked what would happen at break time as he would be the only one from his class there, and he is often picked on at break time. Oh. Not a good idea, maybe I could bring him in after break. But then she's only there for one lesson. So I suggested he could do something at home with me. He often does his homework next to me whilst I'm working and they know I have workbooks here for him.

She then said that DS often talks about his toys, so maybe it would be a good idea for her to come and see where he plays and what toys he has Hmm
I said no, that wouldn't be convenient since, as I had previously explained, I will be working that morning.

Is it just me or is it totally inappropriate for her to be asking to come and visit our house? She's invited DS to her house before (without asking me) which I also find weird. I just declined and said I didn't think it necessary. We've had issues in the past with the school blaming his SN on our parenting, this has thankfully lessened now that DC2 has started at the school.

OP posts:
CrumbliestFlakiest · 25/04/2018 22:18

Fourfried. It would be very nice indeed if school staff could simply refer concerns to social care and they would be followed up and support would be offered. The bar to trigger social care involvement is very high indeed and not many families reach it. As the people who see the child most often, schools are often left with the choice to turn the other cheek and say 'not my problem' or try to do what they can to support a family who are having difficulties. Social care services are very stretched.

leggere · 25/04/2018 22:18

My question was to Crumbliest (if you wouldn't mind, crumble) Sorry to butt in a bit on your thread, OP.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 25/04/2018 22:20

but you just said that if teachers made more home visits, then tehre would be less parental neglect...

Original poster
TenGinBottles · 25/04/2018 22:25

No problem leggere. I can't formulate any questions at the moment because I am speechless at the apparent attitude of teachers to parents.

DS is 8. He is not generally willing to go to school. The teachers have suggested it might be because the work is too difficult for him (he can do his homework no problem). Or that the setting is not right for him (with a few basic changes, that might improve). Or finally have conceded that it might be because he's been punched/kicked/pushed down the stairs/made fun of pretty much every day since January (you think??!?)

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 25/04/2018 22:26

no good reason for school staff to carry out a home visit

No-one said there was no good reason for school staff to carry out a home visit.

I said there was no good reason for a staff member to invite a child to their home.

CrumbliestFlakiest · 25/04/2018 22:27

Yes because there are some instances where information that school staff would be enough to get a referral to social care accepted. Instances where if school staff had not asked the correct questions at the right times, things would have been missed.

There are many many more situations in the middle where things may be bad, but not bad enough. This would fall into the realm of Early Help and your Local Safeguarding Children Board will offer advice to the school as to how they might help or other agencies, usually charities who can help to stop the issues escalating.

blossomy · 25/04/2018 22:28

There is no professional reason or use for a member of school staff to invite a child to their home. None.

There are quite a few, actually. If the student is a school refuser (e.g. a trusted key adult can visit to try to re-establish the relationship). If the student has particular special needs. And many more.

CrumbliestFlakiest · 25/04/2018 22:28

Lalalyra and if you read my first post on this thread again you will see that i actually agreed with you.

blossomy · 25/04/2018 22:31

No, it is new guidance now. Parents of under-5s must complete a recognised and accredited parent training course before a diagnosis of ADHD will be considered.

lalalalyra · 25/04/2018 22:32

Tbh all of this chat about everything else is totally sidetracking the main issue - the Head must be informed about the invitation to the child from the TA.

OP, please speak to the school. It's one of the most inappropriate things I've ever heard of a school staff member saying (and I had the pleasure of getting sent to work in a school where the staffing was absoutely slated on inspection).

RainbowGlitterFairy · 25/04/2018 22:33

As a way to support him back to school I can see where a home visit might be helpful, but not sprung on you like that. Discussed as part of a larger plan, with no pressure and your agreement yes but coming from a TA worded like that no, this all sounds very weird. I say this as a 1:1 knowing that we are worth our weight in gold, it is not our place and not appropriate.

mynameismrbloom · 25/04/2018 22:33

DS's nursery teacher invited herself to my house for coffee. She said it in front of my son, actually, thinking about it it was TO him, in a "Maybe I'll come to your house for a coffee" sort of way.

I didn't know it was not normal until I mentioned it to a few people.

We didn't last long at that nursery, there were serious concerns about standards and too many of the staff had children there and basically just got paid for looking after their own kids while others were neglected.

blossomy · 25/04/2018 22:34

And my point to Blossomy was that there is no reason for a staff member to invite the child to their home - there is no professional reason for that whatsoever.

Read my posts again and you’ll see I agree with you Confused

It can be really useful for school staff and other related professionals to conduct home visits.

It is totally unethical for the children to be invited into the homes of these adults!

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 25/04/2018 22:35

i wouldnt let any school staff into my house, It's called 'boundaries'.

In this case, even more so, massive boundary crossing. Report.

cansu · 25/04/2018 22:36

I think you probably need to make an appointment to speak to the teacher or write them a letter. Explain again why he isn't attending the trip. Explain that you are planning for him to work at home that day and that he will complete some reading, some maths and whatever else you think he would enjoy doing. Thank them for agreeing these reasonable adjustments.

I wouldn't say anything else about the TA personally unless she makes any further attempts to come to your home. It is inappropriate and I would also have said no.

leggere · 25/04/2018 22:36

Talk about Big Brother, I'm gobsmacked! Anyhow, what's the best way forward do you think, OP? There's two main issues as I see it. The behaviour of the TA and the inadequacy of the school provision including the bullying. Both need complaining about.

MyKingdomForBrie · 25/04/2018 22:37

I actually think OP you’re being a bit unfair to crumbliest - she’s been clear she’s not talking about your situation, for which she’s said there’s no justification of a home visit at all, and never any justification of the child going to the TA’s home.

She’s clearly talking about situations where some kind of neglect is suspected or support is needed - totally different to your situation.

Clearly in your situation the TA is being really unprofessional and odd and you should go over her head and speak to the class teacher or head teacher.

blossomy · 25/04/2018 22:38

Oh dear just read the OP’s post equating safeguarding with ‘nosiness,’ really? Hmm

Original poster
TenGinBottles · 25/04/2018 22:44

A link blossomy please. An actual link to this new guidance. Thanks.

an awful lot of the behaviour comes from the environment.
You still haven't enlightened me as to which "awful lot" of his behaviour comes from his environment. Come on, give me a chance to cure him!

I am definitely going to ask about boundary crossing. But I might go over the HT's head initially for advice. There is a bit of nepotism in the air...

OP posts:
FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 25/04/2018 22:45

are they related , the HT and the TA?

Original poster
TenGinBottles · 25/04/2018 22:47

Yes, really. No-one is entitled to know about my financial situation nor to come into my house to decide if they can figure it out!

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 25/04/2018 22:51

Read my posts again and you’ll see I agree with you confused

Our posts clearly crossed if you look at the timing so no need for the confused face.

But I might go over the HT's head initially for advice. There is a bit of nepotism in the air...

Do you know who the safeguarding lead is in the school? It'll be a member of the SMT.

Other than that your local authority will have a LADO (some just call them DO now). They can be involved in ant situation where someone works with kids (it doesn't actually matter if the school is LA/Academy etc) and an allegation of inappropriateness is made.

CrumbliestFlakiest · 25/04/2018 22:53

So by your logic tengin, school staff should mind their own business at all times even if they have serious concerns about the welfare of a child? Because avoiding potentially offending a parent is a more important consideration?

Throwaway4misc · 25/04/2018 22:55

As a recently qualified TA, I agree with a previous poster that it's such a stupid idea it would never even be covered in training!
Not once did my tutor or class teacher turn to me and say "oh please remember not to invite children to your house" as it's so bloody obvious!
How long have they been qualified OP?
Please do report, I'm actually shocked anyone who works with children would contemplate even one of those three red flags.
As a side note I agree there are times when a home visit is appropriate but this is absolutely not one of those times.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 25/04/2018 22:55

of course school staff should report concerns, but saying that they should have carte blanche to just waltz into any child's home when they feel like it, is ridiculous.
One teacher of a child I know of insisted on a home visit, and then suggested to his mother that his bad behaviour could be because his bedroom needed a lick of paint.
Cheeky mare.