In laws who issue instructions about everything

[Listenlisten]

DH and I are in our late 20s, he is an only child after having an older brother who passed away a decade ago. I say this for context because it may be that they've become very attached to DH, and by extension, me. His parents are well-meaning people BUT they are extremely instructive about the smallest details to the point where I find it difficult to be in their company for extended periods of time. I have really never seen anything like it. Some examples include if we're eating dinner they will tell us when to go wash our hands, if we're out at a family barbeque my MIL will tell DH to stay out of the sun and when to put on a jacket, FIL has sent me messages to tell me to take an umbrella if he sees it's raining, if we're around other people my MIL will 'prompt' me to greet them as if I don't know that I should be saying hello to them and she will even adjust my plate while I'm eating if she doesn't think it's sitting at the right angle. They also don't have a filter at all or much of a sense of personal space e.g my MIL will point out if I have a pimple, she's fiddled with my necklace if it's skewed etc.

I've asked DH how he's lived with it and he says he just tunes a lot of it out and picks his battles, but I find it so stressful and irritating. They are from a culture where the style of parenting is fairly authoritarian but even so, it's very difficult to deal with. I try and just brush each thing off as it comes but before I know it, the next instruction is being issued

How on earth do you deal with people like this without losing your sanity? They genuinely don't seem to think there is anything odd about their behaviour and think that they are being caring. We have lived abroad and in different cities but it's always the same when we come back.

You have to find a sense of humour. You will find your own way to brush it off with time. You aren't going to change them. Your DH doesn't want to try to confront it and would be his role, if anyone, to try to break their habits.

Some examples include if we're eating dinner they will tell us when to go wash our hands

If in your own house, tell them to fuck off.

If in their house, leave.

if we're out at a family barbeque my MIL will tell DH to stay out of the sun and when to put on a jacket

That's his problem.

FIL has sent me messages to tell me to take an umbrella if he sees it's raining,

Block him so you don't see the messages.

if we're around other people my MIL will 'prompt' me to greet them as if I don't know that I should be saying hello to themI

Ignore her.

and she will even adjust my plate while I'm eating if she doesn't think it's sitting at the right angle.

Tell her to fuck off.

They genuinely don't seem to think there is anything odd about their behaviour and think that they are being caring.

Why do you spend time with people who you don't like? Just ghost them and have nothing to do with them. Fortunately this isn't Gransnet, so the idea that you owe batshit crazy people a graduated set of instruction and warnings isn't common. They make you unhappy. Stop seeing them. If they ask why, tell them once. They're adults and can alter their behaviour, or if they can't, that isn't your problem.

I understand that they are just being caring but honestly you are adults , just tell them you don’t like it
That would stifle me

God that sounds stifling. The fact that the lost their eldest child complicates things.

Try and shift their obsession with caring and fussing towards a more what do you think/feel ?
Ask her what she thinks of the need for town planning?! What charities mean a lot to her? Is there anything she wants to know about?

How about a jokey offer of a night out to see sonething that interests her 'on condition im allowed to zip up my own coat".

My parents lodt a child (after me) and they arent /werent great at any other aspect of parenting besides keeping us safe and alive but they were a bit hyper about that. They hate danger. One yr i asked for an electric blanket for xmas and was told no, too dangerous. Asked for hair straighteners and was told they could set the house on fire with me in it. My dad switches off and unplugs in my house. I look forward to wise comments from others on yr thread.

My mum can be a bit like this. She's lovely but carried on suggesting I put on a cardi, or asked if I needed the loo before we left, right into adulthood. I think she just got stuck in "parent" mode. I found laughing gently at her, or patting he on the arm and saying stuff like "Ive been taking myself to the toilet for years you know" did the trick (eventually).

Laugh and ignore.

I have no advice OP and can totally imagine how this behaviour would be extremely irritating. I would be thankful you live in different cities and not around the corner from them.
Hopefully someone will come by with some practical advice soon.
I do know of families who have lost children and I do know it affects them very very badly. When I was younger one man I worked with lost his daughter at a young age from a short but terminal illness he went from being a very witty funny man the life and soul of the office to shadow of his former self almost overnight. I never saw his sense of humour again just an overwhelming sadness and he rarely smiled. His marriage nearly broke up over it and the child’s twin brother never really got over it and he commuted suicide in his late teens. It was devastating to see even from a distance.
Maybe they feel they have missed out on parenting so are over compensating.

You have to tell them to stop.

They won't like it, but they're the ones causing unpleasantness by behaving in this way.

If they won't stop after you've asked them to, then do as suggested upthread and leave, or tell them to leave, when they do these things.

If your DH doesn't like that, tough. He can stay and put up with it. But you don't have to.

Advice to block fil because he advises bringing an umbrella is a bit ott. Id either not reply or say 'thanks have wweather on my phone but can cope with getting wet luckily'

I wonder if it's the losing a child bit that has made them more clingy and treating DH like a child. My mum is like this & my sister is dead. She forgets that I'm a grown adult and perfectly capable of looking after myself. I ignore most of it and if it gets too bad I take a step back and reduce contact a bit to regain my sanity. I've tried pointing out my age and capability but I can't be too blunt or she'd do the whole hurt guilt trip & I really can't be doing with that. Just try and point out in a joking way when they're babying you and maybe they'll eventually take the hint. Taking Keneft's advice might stop it but I doubt you'll have any contact with them afterwards.

Maybe BarbarianMum advice would work and be kinder to them.

I also wonder if grief suppresses the development of other parts of yr personality?? Like who you are doesnt flourish if existing in a permanent survival state. Today there is support but maybe they didnt receive the right type of support?

i think we have the same in-laws!
I have a thread up about mine too, I can't help but I'm in the same boat, I find it extremely suffocating but less than i used to. i tune them out and I definetly havr to pick my battles, I also find that if they want me to do something or change my plans I simply nod along then do exactly what I was going to do anyway.

@SelkieUnderLand that's interesting about the preoccupation with safety (my ILs do this too), sorry to hear of your parents' loss. From what I know my ILs were always quite authoritative but their grief exacerbated their tendency to worry constantly and be overprotective in relation to their remaining child. I try to be as kind and understanding as I can but it really does test my patience when a conversation becomes a constant stream of instructions about anything from what clothes I should wear to what time I should set my alarm, many of them repeated over and over again. They also become upset and touchy very easily if they feel their instructions are not being listened to.

The pain of losing a child defies description. It will have blighted their lives and they must feel so sad. I would try to use humour - if told to wash my hands, “oh MIL! I’m 27/28/29. Don’t tell me when to wash my hands!”. The messages to take an umbrella seem quite sweet really, but if they’re annoying, just ignore them. In the grand scheme of things, they’re caring, over anxious people who have suffered just about every parent’s nightmare. I don’t know how Id even continue day to day with that. Yes, Id say be kindly firm about boundaries, but they are not “batshit crazy” and please, don’t tell them to “f...... off” as advised above.

I try to be as kind and understanding as I can but it really does test my patience when a conversation becomes a constant stream of instructions about anything from what clothes I should wear to what time I should set my alarm, many of them repeated over and over again. They also become upset and touchy very easily if they feel their instructions are not being listened to.

Imagine what they will be like if you have children.

Which is why you need to either stop their behaviour or stop seeing them. They will be appalling with any children you have, and they will be even more appalling to you as a mother.

Yes, that they lost a child is a tragedy. But it is not an excuse for rude, controlling behaviour.

They sound nice enough just a bit irritating op. Just keep laughing and reminding them you're a grown up. As in laws go, they could be so much worse.

Slap her hand if she straightens your plate. Gently, but firmly

Bat her hand away and stand back from her if she touches you.

Block them from your phone.

Apart from that, I feel a bit sorry for them so would probably grit my teeth and put up with a lot of the over-protective stuff.

Slap her hand if she straightens your plate. Gently, but firmly

No, that's not OK. Really, that's not OK.

She's not incapable of understanding the effect her words and actions have. She must realise her behaviour is crazy. If she really doesn't, the OP could I suppose issue a single warning before ghosting her. But hitting her, that's not OK.

@KeneftYakimoski I do worry about when I have children - I know they will be issuing a truckload of instructions then! I know they are still in a lot of pain (DH's brother took his own life) but I don't know how much allowance I should give for that and if I should just let everything they do go in light of this. Currently my approach is to nod and smile and laugh most of it off but when it comes to them instructing us on more serious things DH and I will have to put the foot down and I know this will cause an upset.

STand up for yourself, he text you to say take a brolly, text back, saying thanks, I'd never have thought of that!

My inlaws are a bit like this. FIL in particular is a worrier, and will ring and text MIL every 10 minutes or so if she's out
I deflect him, and over the past few years it's really worked. e.g. on my first day after we moved house, he was texting to see if I got to work okay - I sent him back a text telling him I'd been kidnapped and he was to drop 20,000 ransom if he wanted me back . When we went to the local supermarket he rang MIL, DH, then me - again, I told him we'd run out of petrol 100 yards from the house and were stranded. It's made him see he's being silly, and he's really calmed down. BTW I'm in my 40s!

I think I’d be a bit manipulative and be a bit offended/upset at the suggestion that I couldn’t work these things out myself. Not in a big way, just gently.

when it comes to them instructing us on more serious things DH and I will have to put the foot down

But by then, you've ceded the principle that they get to issue instructions, and they will (to some extent not unreasonably) see it as you keeping your children away from them over something that you were previously OK with. If you in fact do want to maintain a long term relationship, telling them their behaviour is unacceptable over plates, umbrellas and coats is going to be a lot less unpleasant than "if you keep doing this, you will not see your grandchild. At all." Because that's the end point, after all.

"if we're eating dinner they will tell us when to go wash our hands"

... who washes their hands before dinner??? (apart form little mud eating kids)

I still sometimes catch myself asking my children (all in their twenties) if they've been to the loo, or if they need a coat before we go out somewhere. I was a lone parent to the five of them until the last one left home two years ago (so for over twenty years). Being a parent is a hard habit to break!

They just laugh at me. Sometimes say 'mum, I know when I need the toilet, thanks'. It brings me to my senses, I apologise and we all laugh. I do try to bite my tongue, but sometimes my 'inner mum' slips out.

I'd say humour is the best way to deal with it - laugh, say 'I've managed to say hello/wash my hands/remember not to die of hypothermia for the last xxxx years, I think I'll be able to cope', and laugh. Hopefully they will laugh too.