In laws who issue instructions about everything

[Listenlisten]

DH and I are in our late 20s, he is an only child after having an older brother who passed away a decade ago. I say this for context because it may be that they've become very attached to DH, and by extension, me. His parents are well-meaning people BUT they are extremely instructive about the smallest details to the point where I find it difficult to be in their company for extended periods of time. I have really never seen anything like it. Some examples include if we're eating dinner they will tell us when to go wash our hands, if we're out at a family barbeque my MIL will tell DH to stay out of the sun and when to put on a jacket, FIL has sent me messages to tell me to take an umbrella if he sees it's raining, if we're around other people my MIL will 'prompt' me to greet them as if I don't know that I should be saying hello to them and she will even adjust my plate while I'm eating if she doesn't think it's sitting at the right angle. They also don't have a filter at all or much of a sense of personal space e.g my MIL will point out if I have a pimple, she's fiddled with my necklace if it's skewed etc.

I've asked DH how he's lived with it and he says he just tunes a lot of it out and picks his battles, but I find it so stressful and irritating. They are from a culture where the style of parenting is fairly authoritarian but even so, it's very difficult to deal with. I try and just brush each thing off as it comes but before I know it, the next instruction is being issued

How on earth do you deal with people like this without losing your sanity? They genuinely don't seem to think there is anything odd about their behaviour and think that they are being caring. We have lived abroad and in different cities but it's always the same when we come back.

Might it work to have a mantra that you repeat everytime they do this sort of thing. Something kind and polite but which allows you to go on to ignore their instructions? Maybe “you are so kind to worry but I’m all organised, thanks”, “that’s so thoughtful but I’m happy with my arrangements”, “I know you’re being kind but actually I like it that way”......
I can see why it’s infuriating but they obviously need handling with compassion.

My MIL is like this, at least about the safety issue. She panics and worries that something bad might have happened if we don't answer the phone, so she rings over and over again until we pick up the phone. It doesn't appear to occur to her that maybe we're just too busy. Or that I can see it's her calling and don't want to talk to her. But her anxiety is understandable, as she lost her DH (DH's DF) in a car accident 14 years ago.

My DM is controlling and has no boundaries. She refuses to see DSis and me as adults with families of our own. She undermines me by muscling in when I'm disciplining my DDs, saying exactly the same thing as I am and not letting me handle it. Other things including constantly commenting on my clothing and adjusting it. Comments about my weight, my hair etc. Passive aggressive to boot. I've started to stand up to her and it's clear she doesn't like it.

I really empathise, @Listenlisten it's so difficult to deal with, isn't it?

But hitting her, that's not OK.

It's not hitting someone to push their hand away from your plate. That's what I meant, as with batting her hand away if she touches - not aggressively attacking. As I said, I feel sorry for the PiL, but I'd push someone away if they invaded my space, and say "don't touch me" very snappily.

I think it's possible to be sympathetic to their pain, while protecting your boundaries.

It's not hitting someone to push their hand away from your plate.

But slapping, which is what you advised, is hitting.

In the interest of long term harmony you've got to find a balance between letting certain things go and not tolerating others.
Start refusing little instructions pleasantly, like the washing of hands before food, just say it's not something you do or you've only recently washed your hands. If she adjusts your plate adjust it back.
Texts about umbrellas, just reply over and over with a standard, thanks I'm sorted for the rain/Sun/whatever.

I've one young adult child and two teens. I am literally having to train myself into switching how I parent them. It's hard and if I don't do it now I can see it causing resentment long term. It's when I hear stuff coming out of my mouth that I consider helpful but when I recall my parents saying similar realise it's actually over bearing. I'm not sure though if my oldest hadn't pointed out to me how I'm coming across that I'd realise myself.

Some people are being really harsh. My own mother is like this (she would hold my hand crossing the street if I let her), so I can only imagine how irritating it is from ILs. However, it all sounds like it comes from a good place - just start politely shutting them down. If she rearranges your plate, immediately move it back and sad kindly "it was fine how it was thank you MIL". If she tells you to wash your hands say "MIL I am XX years old, I can decide these things on my own" and smile sweetly. Just do this at every turn and they will get the message. It sounds like they treat you as one of their own which is really lovely in the bigger picture - adjusting your necklace is quite an intimate and personal thing to do, in a nice way.

I assume Keneft is being humour by recommending saying 'fuck off', walking out of the house, blocking numbers etc. Maybe just go no contact

It's only nice if you're comfortable with being touched. I'm not. I'm very uncomfortable about it, because I suffered SA as a child. My MIL is someone who is very tactile and wanted to hug me from the very beginning. It's probably one of the reasons why my relationship with her has been tricky.

Boundaries need to be respected.

My IL are like this with odd issues and my parents very like this with a lot more.

It’s a mixture of anxiety, control but mainly not seeing us as adults. There aren't any lost children in our families. Behavior got really bad when we had children and I especially found it very upsetting.

Techniques for dealing with it – calling it out – a stare and what are you doing or moving thing back– reminding them how old I am and how obvious or ridiculous their advice is – can use humour there, ignoring other stuff. Also big one distance – not living nearby.

Some stuff with my parents I still can’t deal with – them trying to send me to bed in my own house and need to interfere with any travel plans I have. I try and avoid or DH has to step in as they listen to him but won’t me. Similarly some things like his parents trying to undermine us with our children – us saying something and them immediately saying opposite - I’ve dealt with better than DH.

TBH IL have with time gotten a hell of a lot better especially as children have got older and grown up into children IL are proud of. There's been little progress with my own parents - though my siblings get some results with snapping and stopping being polite but they have to deal with it much more regularly and there have been some big blow ups between them.

@Lizzie48 that sounds really difficult to deal with :( it's hard when you start trying to assert boundaries, it's ultimately worth it but that initial period is so awful.

@willynillypie you're right, they really do treat me like their own child and I know they care about me a lot which is why I let most things go. But sometimes it really stresses me out to be told what to do for so many things and I find it a bit embarrassing when they do it in front of other people too.

I do think some of the posters on here who are telling you to 'just ignore it' haven't really ever encountered people like this. Yes you do need to ignore it but there is a very real risk with people like this that if you are the only one ignoring them (as it sounds like DH has been a bit spineless) that you will be made into the bad guy here. And then not have your DH defending you.

You mentioned that 'They also become upset and touchy very easily if they feel their instructions are not being listened to' which many people have overlooked.

This basically means that all instructions come with a veiled threat of a drama/a scene/a fight/an argument if they are not adhered to, which means you probably go along with it all if it is the path of least resistance, am I correct?

A therapist will tell you you need to a) put some boundaries in place (which mainly means ignoring it/not putting up with this) and doing it with a b) united front with your DH.

However, having difficult inlaws myself I am well aware how hard this is, particularly when there is a tragic family narrative that is being used as an excuse for this behaviour. You need to remind yourself that though they deserve significant levels of sympathy for losing their son, they don't actually get to dictate the form this comes in: i.e. you washing your hands when they tell you to. It sounds ridiculous spelled out like that doesn't it?

I would say it’s lovely that you care but I’m not a child and am quite capable of...........insert whatever it is in that occasion
Just repeat endlessly
Also maybe a conversation about it at a time when you are not too wound up about it - just tell them honestly about how you feel
I’ve followed these with my elder brother recently with mostly success and on the odd occasion he starts instructing me I remind him I’m 50+ and have lived alone for over 20 years successfully doing most things (apart from relationships) he soon gets it

Thank you for your kind words, yes it has been very difficult. My DM also gaslights a lot, and can leave DSis and me very confused as to what's true or not. My DH gets really annoyed when she says that he said something that he knows very well that he didn't say.

No need to tell them to fuck off or go nc.

Just mention that you're an adult and quite capable of feeding washing yourself etc.

@Lizzie48

that you will be made into the bad guy here.
I spent many years with IL being the bad guy - not letting them undermine DH or me with the kids. I know they spent a lot of time and energy slagging me off to people - I put my foot down about Christmas and took the flack. Many a time I felt petty or bad enforcing a boundary even now you think everything going smooth and suddenly something will start up.

I had to accept being the bad guy to get the boundaries there.

I did get frustrated with DH and about lack of back up - even when we'd gone in with a plan. He's got a lot better with time and practise.

I know he gets frustrated with me and my parents with some of their stunts – the last visits them trying to interfere with our travel plans – he just said no we’re sorted but when he says that it’s listen to when I say it I get a bad reaction from them.

Bet I can guess the culture, cos my ILs are very similar. And sadly, they lost a son in a traffic accident when he was a toddler, so they have a similar anxiety around safety. MIL and FIL have a good sense of humour and self-awareness fortunately, so they catch themselves mid-thought sometimes and laugh while they deliver their reminder. One SIL is massively bossy and frustrating and I just have to remind myself that her remarks come from a place of love and caring, not condescension. Takes a lot of practical tho - 21yrs and counting here!

I don't really want to go NC because I do feel quite sorry for them and they're not malicious but I do need to find some way of handling them better and setting some healthy boundaries. DH does his best and backs me up when needed but his tolerance level is a lot higher than mine because he's used to it. He acknowledges that they are quite intense but like me is at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with it.

@KeneftYakimoski just out of interest, do you genuinely believe that the solution for OP is to tell her husband's parents to fuck off and then ghost them?! Can you genuinely not imagine or understand why that's simply not an option?

Live a long way away always is my top tip.

Gosh what nasty comments from some people advising op to block...go no contact...tell them to fuck off etc....they have lost a child...show some compassion....
I get that it is irritating but they obviously love and care for you op....i have no parents or in laws so i would give my right arm to have this in my life.

I know that I am probably odd but I've come to treasure my MIL for this behaviour. She Mothers me and DH all the time and I'm 45! She's 73 and to be frank, nobody else looks after me so I don't mind. I am also a parent and all my energy goes on the DC....so it's nice to have someone worry about my safety!

I'm quite shocked by the attitude some of you have towards your parents. I know some parents can be vile but from what you're all saying they're pretty harmless and caring. Be thankful you still have them. I lost both mine when they were still very young and my DF never even got to be a grandparent. I say count your blessings.

I’m in the same boat. My PILs are Korean and basically being a Korean parent = fussing, worrying, making remarks about everything.

In the beginning, I hated it but I’ve come to kind of like it. Yes, it’s suffocating and stifling in a way, but it is their way of being kind. I do the same back to them (telling them to be careful if it’s very hot/very cold) and they love it and always say I must care about them so much to think of such a thing.

Without wanting to sound like a twatty smug twat, I feel like accepting them has made me a more open person and more understanding of other people’s foibles. If I got wound up by it or flounced off whenever they did it, where would it get me? Yes, I’d feel more independent or whatever but I have enough independence in my daily life anyway. I don’t need to spurn them to prove a point.

001 who doesn’t wash their hands before dinner? It’s basic hygiene.

I dont wash my hands before dinner....why would i??? Im using cutlery not my hands to eat with.....