In laws who issue instructions about everything

[Listenlisten]

DH and I are in our late 20s, he is an only child after having an older brother who passed away a decade ago. I say this for context because it may be that they've become very attached to DH, and by extension, me. His parents are well-meaning people BUT they are extremely instructive about the smallest details to the point where I find it difficult to be in their company for extended periods of time. I have really never seen anything like it. Some examples include if we're eating dinner they will tell us when to go wash our hands, if we're out at a family barbeque my MIL will tell DH to stay out of the sun and when to put on a jacket, FIL has sent me messages to tell me to take an umbrella if he sees it's raining, if we're around other people my MIL will 'prompt' me to greet them as if I don't know that I should be saying hello to them and she will even adjust my plate while I'm eating if she doesn't think it's sitting at the right angle. They also don't have a filter at all or much of a sense of personal space e.g my MIL will point out if I have a pimple, she's fiddled with my necklace if it's skewed etc.

I've asked DH how he's lived with it and he says he just tunes a lot of it out and picks his battles, but I find it so stressful and irritating. They are from a culture where the style of parenting is fairly authoritarian but even so, it's very difficult to deal with. I try and just brush each thing off as it comes but before I know it, the next instruction is being issued

How on earth do you deal with people like this without losing your sanity? They genuinely don't seem to think there is anything odd about their behaviour and think that they are being caring. We have lived abroad and in different cities but it's always the same when we come back.

I have an aunt who told me to say thank you for a birthday present. I was in my 30s!

Because it’s important to wash your hands often and doing it as a matter of routine (after toilet, before and after meals) ensures that you wash them often enough.

Whether you touch the food directly or not is irrelevant.

Nothing to do with the thread tho, sorry.

Then we will have to agree to disagree !!!!

they still see DH as a child, and you are just a new child added to the family, not an adult.

Start correcting them every single time.

So "go wash your hands" " oh gosh MIL, I'm a grown adult of XX years, I think I can sort out keeping my hands clean without instruction by now!" (deliver with a smile or wink to make seem less agressive). Texts about the rain/umbrella "FIL, you dno't need to worry, I'm able to check the weather forecast just like you!"

Every time, remind them you are an adult and they are treating you like a child. Keep saying it, "I'm an adult, not a child" then after a while if they've not stopped, go with "MIL, you don't tell FIL and other adults to wash their hands, what age do I need to get to before you see me as your equal?"

Every time, call them out on it. Eventually they will stop. Might take a while though...

What you can change is your response to this behaviour.
Stop caring about it - now that sounds crass at first because it deeply annoys you, but it the fake it to make it philosophy I recommend.
Go your own sweet way, ignore the irritating behaviour so at least if they don't stop or calm it down they cease to expect a reaction from you.

I did this with MIL's constant prying and questioning me about other people who were not present, just said 'you'll have to ask them' and now she gives up after that. I consider that a result from a lifelong relentless snooper.

Turn it around on them?

I still sometimes catch myself asking my children (all in their twenties) if they've been to the loo

My eldest was visiting recently. I grabbed his hand to cross the road. He is 20s, runs a team/sizeable budget in an overseas Fortune 100 corporation. He really does not need my help to cross the road. My 80+ DM does the same to me sometimes.

How much is habit behaviour and how do you react? We laugh about it because it is silly. Does laughing at it work?

How much goes beyond the laughable to actually intrude on life?

do you genuinely believe that the solution for OP is to tell her husband's parents to fuck off and then ghost them

So the new normal is "if people treat you badly, and continue doing it in the face of making it quite clear that the behaviour is unacceptable, you should just tolerate it because their fee-fees might get hurt?"

If you don't want to be treated like a door mat, stop lying on the floor.

if the OP was being treated like this by her husband, the chorus of "LTB" would shatter windows. It's controlling, unacceptable behaviour. The husband is no better, because he should challenge them on it, but the OP is entitled to, and in my view should, be firm about not accepting bad behaviour from people.

Rearranging the plate of other adults at the table because you think it is at the wrong angle is batshit crazy, and should be called as such. If someone's partner had form for criticising the angle at which a poster ate their food, it would be seen for the crazy, controlling behaviour it is. Why is it different because it's your in-laws?

Christ, TheIcon that's got to be one of the cruellest responses I've ever seen. If you are someone who'd actually say that to bereaved parents I'd have no trouble going NC with you.

Thelcon I see where you're coming from, (dark humour?) but would a verbal grenade like that not risk suicidal thoughts by the already very needy PIL?

thelcon as if you’d ever say that to anyone in real life.

Some of you need to seriously grow up and remember that these are actual people. 99% of this shit you can just shrug and ignore and carry on what you were doing.

They’re telling her to take an umbrella, not abusing her.

Some of you need to seriously grow up and remember that these are actual people

You don't rearrange the plates of actual people. You rearrange the plates of people you believe to be dolls.

Honestly done of the responses on here make me think the ones calling the ILs batshit should be taking a good look in the mirror.

Be gentle with them. They will never recover from their son's suicide. I think you're making too big a deal of mildly irritating behaviour. They're not interfering over major decisions. If they do, in the future, then DH and you can have a word, if required. It will be much easier if you haven't soured the relationship now by taking offence at trifles.

Some of the posters on this thread really need to install their sense of compassion . Put yourself in their shoes, just for a moment, please.

They lost control of their lives in the most profound way possible. No wonder they are trying to keep their remaining child and his loved one safe.

From my own perspective, one of my parents became terminally ill when I was in my mid twenties. That ongoing dialogue of parenting - still present in those little 'Are you ok...?' and 'Do you want...?' conversations, even though I was an independent adult child - just switched off overnight. They could no longer be a parent to me, even in that very small way and, amid my greater grief, I really missed it.

OP - Nod, smile and brush it off in a jovial way
'I'm a big girl, I will be fine'.
'Thanks for caring, but I really am ok.'
'All good here, no need to worry'

SissySpacekAteMyHamster I was about to post something very similar. People seem incapable of imaginatively empathising.

keneft if someone rearranging your plate is the worst thing going on in your life, I’d happily swap lives with you.

A little irritating, a little controlling, but it makes absolutely no difference to my day so why would I care?

My PIL let me parent my kids how I like, they don’t get involved in my relationship and they don’t expect anything from me. they are kind to me, they do me tons of favours. They also tell me I must be cold, that I have a pimple or that I should eat more. If accepting those final things means I’m a doormat, then I’m a doormat and I am fine with it.

If you go around expecting everyone to be perfect, your life must be very frustrating. I don’t put up with abuse, but I’ll put up with some fussing if it makes the people who brought my husband up to be kind, generous and thoughful happy.

Thelcon, I don't think you'd be seen again - by the DH - if you did that.

OP I do think ignore, they mean well, is mainly right. I also agree with 'fake it to make it', that you can train your own felt responses. plus a bit of humorous pulling up on it and a bit of 'acted telling off' back.

Ask them politely to stop doing it - each and every time it is directed at you, use humour as well as suggested. If they ignore or there is no improvement after a reasonable amount of time I would arrange to see less of them. No need to go NC just see them less often and ignore/ delete texts.

No wonder they are trying to keep their remaining child and his loved one safe.

What risk do they foresee, such that the angle of the OP's plate is a risk that they need to protect her from? What is going to happen if the OP gets the angle wrong? How is adjusting the angle of another adult's plate "keep(ing them) safe"?

keneft people have irrational responses to traumatic events. Surely you know that?

I'd try a few lighthearted techniques, but only if you feel you can do them in jest rather than annoyance.

• She straightens your plate - move hers slightly too.

-Get in there first with the washing hands / have you been to the loo comments and pretend you are speaking to a child

• generally take the micky a little bit

-' Thanks, I know' or 'it's alright, I normally manage to choose what to wear in the morning' -' Thanks for the suggestion, I'll bear it in mind'

Please don’t follow the advice of keneft. There’s a world of difference between between telling someone to fuck off and ghosting them and helping them to see you’re a grown up through acting with compassion and kindness.

My dad is quite like this , and it drove me bonkers in my late teens/early twenties, but as I've got older I've come to accept it as the way he expresses his love for me and my brother - he's a do-er, not a say-er, and it's like he's got all this energy of love that he has to channel somehow. I've also realised that he has, I think reasonably serious, anxiety issues, and I think having also suffered through that myself has also helped me to see that if doing these things reassure him and briefly shuts up that anxious voice in his head, then the temptation to do it - even if it is interfering - must be overwhelming. I think coming to accept your parents as fully people, with the (if you're lucky) normal quota of flaws and hang-ups, is one of the biggest and most profound challenges of becoming an adult.

I have found that jokey 'Dad, I'm 34!' comments do help. I also find that accepting parts of it makes it easier to push back on others - so accept the umbrella messages as a cute quirk and send a cheery 'I know, looks like it's going to bucket it down!' in return, but shut down any attempts to control how you interact with other people in public, for instance.