To ask why this man seems to hate me so much?

[Art3misZeee]

I need some clarity here. I’m quite introverted and have had a lot of mental health issues, diagnosed with depression, anxiety and MPD but with a lot of help these have been manageable. Finally got myself out on the horse after so many years and back into a nighttime access education course to pursue a career I’ve always wanted.

The course is counselling/psychology. On the first day we were put into ‘peer groups’ groups of 4 who we would do activity work with. From day one this man (he’s gay and always really friendly and funny with everyone else) has made it clear he doesn’t like me. Giving me the cold shoulder, won’t speak to me unless forced, when forced to speak to me won’t look me in the eyes, very dry with me and won’t give me answers if I try to speak to him. It was very awkward but I put it off as everyone being new and still getting to know each other.

It’s been a month and a half now and things might have kicked off tonight before class. We were both early and He was being his normal dry self with me, not looking at me or really answering etc then he complaining about possibly not completing the course, I asked why as he was doing so well. He ignored me, I repeated my ‘why’ and he turned to me, gave me one of the ugliest glares and snapped “I’m not talking about it! I’ve already talked about it with ‘Abby’!” Name of another woman in our group, not her real one btw.

That kind of made me snap. I just felt this horrible bundle of emotion in my chest and I blurted out “Can I ask you something? What’s your problem with me? Why don’t you like me?” He looked shocked and then said something along the lines of “Well, that’s a harsh question...” and I replied with “Not really a yes or no would do.” And he said “Well it’s not a yes or no question.” At that point I just gave up and said “I’ll take that as a yes then.” Which made him look at me with complete disgust and said “We’re in class. I don’t think now is the time.” And turn away.

I genuinely don’t know what I’ve done to this man to be treated like this. I understand not everyone will like or even tolerate me but it’s like this man has gone out of his way to make me feel like dirt. He doesn’t even give me the common courtesy of looking at me when speaking, I feel so tiny when it boils down to speaking in the group.

Can someone tell me if I’ve done something? Or what would you do in this situation? I hate the awkwardness and the lump in my throat this confrontation has caused but it’s made me feel so bad and has started to kill whatever small but if confidence I had left. I also feel like an idiot for my outburst and don’t know what to do about it. Really feel like walking away from the course.

If you do speak about it again don’t focus on whether or not he like you. Focus on his behaviour. Speak about it in neutral, objective terms. E.g. he doesn't look directly at me, he sighs and rolls his eyes, he said “x,y,z”.

He’s allowed to feel whatever he likes about you. However he must be professional and respectful.

He also sounds like someone who would be a terrible counsellor (dramatic, attention seeking, too many issues), but I’d probably keep that to yourself.

If you aren't friends then you shouldn't have been prying into his business- especially to ask twice.

And he is correct that you didn't ask a yes or no question. You should have asked him outside of class in a less emotional way if you think he has a problem. You sounded very unprofessional and demanding of his attention. I am not sure you are ready to be a therapist if you take everything so personally.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't like you, he doesn't have to. Not everyone likes everyone.

I think you have had some good advice here OP. He clearly has issues, not least the inability to behave with normal good manners.

Time to step away from him and be polite and utterly neutral. Remember you are on the course for your journey not his. This person has clearly stirred up a lot of feelings for you and it would be useful to reflect on this. Do you feel you need his approval? if so, why is that?

Ultimately at the higher levels of counselling courses it is a requirement to be in therapy whilst you are training so there is certainly no disgrace in going back to therapy now if you feel the need, quite the opposite.

There have been two of DP' s friends who seem to really dislike me. One of them even made nasty comments about my appearance to DP. I finally realised that they both thought they were God's gift to women and my "crime" was that I didn't fall at their feet. Probably not the problem with your man if he is gay.

Have found that also sand but not just from straight men. There are some people, male and female, straight and gay, who expect to be adored, and hate people who dont fawn over them like they 'should'.

It was my first thought on reading the op that he was one of those charmers

"MovingThisYearHopefully "Funny how most people who are trying to be counsellors are the ones who most need counselling themselves."

I think you have just been unlucky, I;ve had lots of counselling and rarely if ever felt the counselor was doing it for anything other than a job they were good at."

Moving was talking about people TRYING to be counsellors. I have the same experience of hearing about people I know who want to or are training to be counsellors. It doesn't mean they'll all become counsellors. With one person in particular, it was quite shocking and worrying.

"You are probably doing better on the course than him and that's why he dislikes you."

And how are all the other people doing?
Some people think everything is about jealousy, but it's not.

His reasons are largely irrelevant to be honest, unless you’ve done something terrible to him which it doesn't seem you have.

What’s more important is how he is reacting to you and the context he’s doing it in. We all have to work with awful people in our lives or people we have an irrational dislike of and being able to work professionally alongside them is a must.
I’ve had team members and direct reports I’ve disliked and I’ve always been extremely careful to be impartial and not let it show.

He’s going for a career in counselling - this seems like the wrong choice for someone with underlying issues themselves and more importantly who lacks the emotional control to deal with it professionally.

If I were you I’d see this almost as a learning experience. This man dislikes you, he’s behaving unprofessionally. You can’t change that - all you have control over is your reaction.

Assuming you will be dealing with very challenging emotional situations in the future, think about how you want to react and how you want to manage this. For me there’s be a line in the sand beyond which I’d be involving the tutors (anything that damaged my professional reputation, hurt me physically, any threats etc.) within that I’d remain professional, calm and detached.

"You should have asked him outside of class"

Does she see him outside of class? I would imagine not as they're not friends. I think she asked him during the break.

And she didn't ask him an intrusive question. She asked him why he doesn't like her, which is something that affects negatively on her.

None of us here know why. A dynamic thing? A misconstrued comment? A personality clash? Personal boundaries being pushed?
You will do yourself no favours provoking him and bringing a feud into your learning environment, though. If he already doesn't like you, he will see red if he perceives you're trying to get him into trouble.
I agree with PP. if he isn't cut out for this line of work, he will pull out a long time before the UCAS applications get put in. Trouble causers drop from Access courses like flies. In the meantime, be completely objective.

I'm a big fan of mirroring back behaviour. Kissing arse and Trying To Be Nice has never worked in my experience, makes things worse if anything as they think you're a complete sap and step it up because they're getting away with it. I have found that you should give one or two chances and then do exactly back to them what they're doing to you, be as brusque and dismissive as he is, remove eye contact, don't approach him, don't make the effort but be totally charming and pleasant to everyone else. You wouldn't keep trying to stroke a dog that was snapping at you would you?

And keep your fingers crossed that he drops out of the course like he's been whining might be a possibility.

I don't think you're ready to be a counsellor, you are finding it hard to analyse your own thinking patterns and the impact of your behaviour on others, and are reluctant to go into therapy yourself as it might be seen negatively or as you going backwards. Your also seeking collusion on an online forum. Unfortunately the reason you have had negative counselling experiences is because people get into it without being in the right place themselves. Any psychology based profession is extremely challenging even for the most emotionally robust, I speak from experience. Please consider if this is the right path for you and for your future patients, who will often be incredibly vulnerable.

In my work there is one man who is senior to me and who seems to hate me with a passion. Don’t know why. Can’t chalkenge it because of our particular working circumstances and just have to live with it. Not so long ago I had to spend several
Hoursbeing subjected to unfair criticism snide comments and rudeness.

It does get you down. It is exhausting but try to remember it’s not you it’s him. He’s got the issues to feel that way about someone whose never done anything to him. Just ignore and let karma do it’s job. In my case he gets so angry I’m hoping he works himself into I’ll health and has to retire

Also regardless of his behaviour (you can't change or control that), you reacted aggressively and emotionally to this perceived slight from him , none of us here have any idea what may have happened for him to feel that way, or if he doesn't treat you differently to others and it's just your perception stemming from your insecurities. You also asked him an open question then demanded a yes no answer. Please examine your own behaviour before you pick his apart. Have you thought there's a reason your tutor hadn't done anything about this? Also I'd be embarrassed to go to teacher as a grown up because a class mate 'doesn't like me', it's all very immature.

Are you a counsellor yourself FASH? You certainly seem to understand the dynamics that could possibly be at play here and really do seem to be enjoying pulling them apart.

If you are I can only hope you're not so harsh when addressing your own clients issues and in your opinion, unrealistic aspirations, I can imagine you could really do some damage to fragile people such as the OP clearly is. It's no less shit to do it on line than in RL you know.

Hello, everyone. I’m going to try and get through all of these replies. Apologies if I miss some but I do feel better now that I’ve slept on it.

To clarify again, I know that he has a right not to like me, that’s fine. It’s how he’s acting as if I’ve killed his mother that’s bothering me. I do not actively seek him out or want to constantly speak to him.

Fash, Perhaps I’m not ready or perhaps this is a learning curve. I’m at the very start of this course and I don’t expect to grow a thick skin or any of the skills needed in the first month, I wish I could as that would have been quite helpful. But I can’t so I’m still learning but I’m going to go back to therapy and keep on with my studies. I feel if I don’t keep at them I’ll never do them. I won’t be going near patients for many many years to come and that’s if I complete the course in time with the needed qualifications and then if I get a job.

I said I felt emotional but I most certainly didn’t display this to him. I asked a question based on how he has treated me. And I didn’t ‘go to teacher’ to taddle on him like a preschooler. I asked her if she minded not placing with him when picking pairs or groups to save more friction. Which led to her asking me to talk through with her why I felt like this. I’m assuming we’re allowed to use MN as a sounding board for our frustration or things that get us down? When it comes to this situation it is about how he actively displays how much he doesn’t like me. This is my issue, not that he doesn’t like me. I know I can’t change that, all I’m saying is it upsets me because of the intensity of it.

OP he’s scapegoating you. Why he’s doing it is a mystery and all it can focus on is your own responses.

Our deep need to feel control, to be liked, our attachment to the responses others give us...

Sometimes you have to rise above it and examine what’s happening. Not get pulled into someone else’s drama.

He has appointed you a role that you don’t want (someone to be mistreated) but how you respond to that is entirely in your control.

He won’t be the last person who treats you like crap - not because of who you are, but because people behave like this sometimes. The important lesson - and it’s an interesting one - is how to step back from your usual reactions and to think it through, and let it go, detach.

It’s his crap. Leave him to it. Tough I know, but carry on regardless.

all you* can focus on

@Msgameandwatching I'm not a counsellor but do have a background in psychology which is why I know more people need to think twice before entering the profession. I've seen the damage caused by poor counselling and for OPs own benefit she doesn't seem robust enough to not cause herself further damage, if she can't manage a situation like this. I am also concerned that she sees therapy as a backward step.

OP you did react emotionally by snapping and demanding a one word answer, please use your therapy to analyse your own processes and behavioural outcomes, you can't change him (if he does need to change, remember for those quick to hand out the there there's, we have limited information only from OPs point of view) but you can manage yourself, how you perceive situations, recognise your own triggers and effect your responses or lack thereof. I'm glad you are going to go back to therapy if you find a situation like this intense.

I'm not surprised it upset you, op. He's probably been sitting there happily being as rude as he likes and you had the nerve to pick him up on it; how very dare you? And even if he didn't realise he was doing it, he'll probably be cross at himself (and this will manifest as anger at you) for letting it be so obvious. So I'm not surprised you got an angry response.

From now on, don't make small talk with him, or any social effort not related to the work you're doing. If you do have to talk to him, maintain a mental mantra of "Your feelings are not my responsibility, and I have done nothing wrong". I bet it will make a difference in your body language and tone, and that he'll notice and either back off or get so arsey that others start to notice... either way, you win.

Good luck!

I am on a counselling course, nearly finished, and one of our best lessons may help you. He is responsible for his thoughts, feelings and responses and you are for yours. Therefore what he has decided about you IS HIS SHIT. It may be transference, something about you reminds him of someone. But again THAT's HIS SHIT. Please let it go and forget him. He will make a shit counsellor. Use this experience in your learning journal and try to learn something about your process. Turn it into a positive.

Fess has it right. I've recently come out of several years of counselling and have learned much. The whole concept of 'THATS HIS/HER SHIT' is in my top ten of life changing lessons.

It took me quite some time to accept the idea of it and a bit longer to begin to apply it, but my lord, it's been revolutionary for me.

Hi OP.

I really get the sense that he was trying to use you to make himself look bigger. Bullies do this, they choose somebody they perceive as 'weak' and then they publicly slight that person to make themselves look/feel strong. He's just being bitchy and from what you've said about him, he sounds riddled with insecurities (the hallmark of a bully). You are fine, you are doing well. Ignore him.

You were right to call him out, I'd bet that he'll back off now.

When I went back to uni in my 40s I found the younger students phenomenally rude, talking in lectures and rolling their eyes like huffy 13 year olds. I couldn't believe it! He may simply be immature and childish.