To ask why this man seems to hate me so much?

[Art3misZeee]

I need some clarity here. I’m quite introverted and have had a lot of mental health issues, diagnosed with depression, anxiety and MPD but with a lot of help these have been manageable. Finally got myself out on the horse after so many years and back into a nighttime access education course to pursue a career I’ve always wanted.

The course is counselling/psychology. On the first day we were put into ‘peer groups’ groups of 4 who we would do activity work with. From day one this man (he’s gay and always really friendly and funny with everyone else) has made it clear he doesn’t like me. Giving me the cold shoulder, won’t speak to me unless forced, when forced to speak to me won’t look me in the eyes, very dry with me and won’t give me answers if I try to speak to him. It was very awkward but I put it off as everyone being new and still getting to know each other.

It’s been a month and a half now and things might have kicked off tonight before class. We were both early and He was being his normal dry self with me, not looking at me or really answering etc then he complaining about possibly not completing the course, I asked why as he was doing so well. He ignored me, I repeated my ‘why’ and he turned to me, gave me one of the ugliest glares and snapped “I’m not talking about it! I’ve already talked about it with ‘Abby’!” Name of another woman in our group, not her real one btw.

That kind of made me snap. I just felt this horrible bundle of emotion in my chest and I blurted out “Can I ask you something? What’s your problem with me? Why don’t you like me?” He looked shocked and then said something along the lines of “Well, that’s a harsh question...” and I replied with “Not really a yes or no would do.” And he said “Well it’s not a yes or no question.” At that point I just gave up and said “I’ll take that as a yes then.” Which made him look at me with complete disgust and said “We’re in class. I don’t think now is the time.” And turn away.

I genuinely don’t know what I’ve done to this man to be treated like this. I understand not everyone will like or even tolerate me but it’s like this man has gone out of his way to make me feel like dirt. He doesn’t even give me the common courtesy of looking at me when speaking, I feel so tiny when it boils down to speaking in the group.

Can someone tell me if I’ve done something? Or what would you do in this situation? I hate the awkwardness and the lump in my throat this confrontation has caused but it’s made me feel so bad and has started to kill whatever small but if confidence I had left. I also feel like an idiot for my outburst and don’t know what to do about it. Really feel like walking away from the course.

Funny how most people who are trying to be counsellors are the ones who most need counselling themselves. I know of so many people where this was the case & what you have posted just hammers it home. I can only assume its because the people doing the course want to benefit from the practice counselling in the class..

He didn't want to talk about possibly private reasons for not finishing the class and you kept probing this would hugely set off anxiety in anyone dealing with it or just piss normal people off and the question you asked wasn't yes or no, perhaps it's best just to limit your conversations with him keep them related to the course only and nothing else.

We don't all have to like each other and as long as he's civil with you it's not a problem. I understand your anxiety I'm a longtime sufferer too along with other issues but constantly questioning him isn't going to help you or him just let it be.

I know this might seem difficult, but if you're hoping to work as a counsellor these are really the interactions that will be useful to you. Exploring the impact on you of feeling disliked, sitting with those feelings instead of trying to get some kind of concrete answer (from us, who don't know, or from him, and he might not even know!) - these are invaluable experiences in your personal development. If you have a client who is dealing with anger, or you remind them of someone they dislike, you need to be able to be ok with that and not take it personally. There's a saying "what other people think of us is none of our business." Whatever his issue is, that belongs to him. What belongs to you is how you manage the feelings his behaviour evokes. Working with that will be really helpful in the long run when it comes to counselling. Honestly.

Art3misZeee I am also doing a counselling course, and I don’t think that what you’re experiencing should be happening. When we started the course we drew up a group contract and included such things as supporting each other, having a positive attitude, trying to be non-judgemental, being caring etc. Did you do anything like that? He isn’t conforming to the way a trainee counsellor should be operating. Has he heard of the term “unconditional positive regard”? Where’s his empathy?

I’m surprised your tutor didn’t offer you any more help than that, I suppose she wants people to work on sorting out their own problems, but she could have been more helpful. I personally don’t think you should leave it, it will just fester, but I’m not sure sending him a message is a good idea, unless you just say you want to meet him and talk things through. It’s a shame after all you’ve been through, I hope things improve for you. Stick at it!

Read the book I suggested! Haha honestly...it will work wonders x

I know my feelings are over dramatic, so are his. This sounds like Transference and Counter-Transference.

I have been through so much personal therapy and came through on the other side, that is so good to hear OP. Studying psychology and counselling is tough. Your values will be questioned, you will hear very different points of view, your buttons will be pushed and you will be triggered. But that's nothing compared to what you will face in your client work.

It's brilliant that you have come this far, but you really need to go that bit further if you want to be a therapist. Go back to therapy and use your experiences in the class as a springboard. You won't regret it.

I am going to suggest that this may be an almighty projection by him on to you of something that belongs entirely to him, some negativity in himself that he does not like, and has turned outwards so as not to deal with it. The process is said to be unconscious, but it hurts the recipient who is merely a convenient 'hook' for the projection. This has happened to me twice in my life - once was an unbelievably hostile attitude from a fellow passenger waiting in an airline terminal. Obviously we had never met or spoken but he disliked me intensely on sight, and made it very clear. Strange, but nothing to do with who I am or anything I did. Telling you this because if a complete stranger takes an intense dislike to you on sight, it shows it is more to do with their inner workings and nothing to do with you as who you actually are. Dealing with it is hard unless you can walk away. I wish I knew what to suggest, but am saying all this because want to reassure you it is not you. He needs a reality check and to see you for who you really are, but it is unlikely he will have the insight to do it. Hopefully your course will deal with the topics of 'the shadow' and projection, and he might question himself.

I don't actually think you should apologize to him Op, there was an obvious issue and you raised it directly with him like adults should do.

Being familiar myself with anxiety and depression I can totally see why you might feel like you overstepped or were confrontational but honestly I really don't believe you were. You've described somebody who has been rude and unfriendly to you, he's made it obvious that for whatever reason he doesn't like you. He hasn't seen any reason to disguise that in front of you or the group just for the sake of, y'know... manners ! You've been assertive, you addressed the issue despite how uncomfortable it made you, I think you should be quite pleased with yourself because you handled it well! So he didn't like it, so what? People who enjoy making others uncomfortable tend not to like it when they're called out on their behaviour but that doesn't mean you shouldn't call them out.

Lady, we were the only other ones in the classroom as the others were on break. Our group made a WhatsApp ‘support’ group that he regularly posts in about his problems and not wanting to go to class or continue which is why I didn’t see it as a problem.

I really want to deal with these feelings, star. I hate being such an emotional idiot over something so trivial as someone not liking me. I always wonder what I did or why someone would treat another person with such contempt. If I actively disliked someone in my group I wouldn’t treat them how he has me.

Yes, Lallie we have a class contract. Funny enough supporting and no judgement are a part of it but that doesn’t seem to make a difference.

Dione, I was considering going back! But then I thought of the experiences that made me want to be a therapist. I’ve experienced so much good in counselling but unfortunately I’ve experienced the same amount of bad. I wanted to be a therapist unlike those that I experienced. I’m afraid going back will be seen as a sign of weakness and that I’m going backwards in my progress.

moontree, it's not really a coping mechanism, but this can be helpful <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DnKNyFSLJy6o&ved=0ahUKEwjlkqWI_9PaAhXJCMAKHb5WDPoQyCkIHzAA&usg=AOvVaw1RIgRqWb6515ml-wsVQ3k3" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DnKNyFSLJy6o&ved=0ahUKEwjlkqWI_9PaAhXJCMAKHb5WDPoQyCkIHzAA&usg=AOvVaw1RIgRqWb6515ml-wsVQ3k3

Sorry for the length of the link. It's a lesson in communication. I always watch it before meetings/appointments that need my full attention and it helps me get across what I want. It's more like a learning guide and reminder than a coping mechanism, but it's still useful.

Thanks for the Art3missZee Yeah, my chest and throat is where I feel these emotions of hurt/confusion/anger etc bubbling up too.

I find being rejected or disliked or disapproved of by anyone feels like acid rubbing on my skin- as though I am left raw and "skinless" somehow. It is like a visceral feeling. Urggh.

My issue here is as well that we have a break after our afternoon class but before our night class where the two of us or our group will be in the classroom alone and...it’s so bloody obvious then because even if he’s replying to something trivial I’ve said he won’t even look at me. He looks at another one of our group and it’s incresibly awkward. I can’t explain why this makes me feel so low.

CocoPuffs You are so right. She should be pleased with how she has handled it, and not apologise but just let him take some responsibility.

It's ok that he doesn't like you.

It's not ok that he's treating you with disrespect. He sounds very unpleasant, and that isn't about you.

Dione Thanks- I will take a look.

its not ok that he's treating you with disrespect This is the crux of the matter really. He sounds scary and the sort of person I would not wish to be around at all.

I'm afraid going back will be seen as a sign of weakness and that I’m going backwards in my progress.

It's a tough job. All the good therapists I know, who have lasted, have regular therapy. They do this to maintain their own mental health, to enable them to practice ethically and sometimes because their supervisors tell them to. They do it so that they don't become the bad therapist that you unfortunately encountered.

No one, least of all a therapist, should care what people think of them going to therapy.

I think you sound very self aware, so I think you would know if you had done something to upset him.

I think he just sounds like he likes drama, telling some people his issues, but not wanting to discuss them with others. Mentioning he won't finish the course would prompt most people to ask why. He knew that but then snapped when you asked. He's attention seeking. He's chosen some people to be the one she 'confides in' and you as the one who he doesn't to create this drama in his head.

The problem lies with him, not you. Talk to him as much as you have to in order to complete the course, but don't bother with him other than that. Some people get off on making others feel bad. You may find when he realises you have stopped trying, he will change tactics.

Good luck with your course, don't let him ruin it for you when it sounds like it's taken you alot of time and effort to get into doing it.

Wrote about it in your learning review - that’s what it’s for!

*Write

Don't apologise op. The only thing you could have done better is asking him in a controlled way, in front of the other members of your peer group. It wasn't a yes/no question, but you've at least suggested that you're not just going to silently put up with his unpleasantness.
See how he is next session and if he starts, just say something about it being necessary to act like adults and be polite so that you can work together effectively. That you have no personal problem with him as you don't know him well and that should work both ways. Just finish the course and then you never have to deal with each other again.

Op you need to reframe this. It's not about not liking you, it's about bullying you. This guy is a bully and is getting a kick out of your discomfort. He's also probably enjoying getting fawned over by the group each time he threatens to leave. I'm presuming there's not many other men on the course.

I think you've got two options here. Handle it yourself by Ignoring the little fucker completely. By talking to him you are giving him the opportunity to blank you, and it's looking like you're seeking approval from him. Just don't talk to him at all. Don't respond at all of he whinges about leaving. Mention it to other people in the group if you can.

The other option is raising it again with the tutor and escalating it if necessary. It's not reasonable or acceptable to be expected to work in a group with somebody who is so pathetic that they won't even speak to you or look at you. His conduct isn't appropriate and it needs addressing .

Why tell us that he is gay, is this relevant? Give her a break!

I encountered someone like this years ago when backpacking. I was stuck in a group with her for a few weeks. She made bitchy comments, was dismissive of anything I said, and really snidey. I'm not very confident, but one night after quite a lot of beer (ahem) I confronted her. To be fair to her, she apologised for her behaviour and agreed that it was just her being a bitch. She even message me after we'd gone our separate ways to thank me for teaching her a valuable lesson. Clearly none had ever called her out on it before.
Well done for confronting him. That takes guts. Maybe it's enough to shame him into realising what an utter prick he's been. If not, I would raise it with your tutor again. It should be dismissed. He is bullying you.

You can’t make someone like you, instead focus on doing well. This is his problem not yours. Time will either make it work or not. Just don’t let it effect your studies