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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you would start a new family

127 replies

greengrasslfwhome · 24/04/2018 18:55

If you had your children very young, so that they were grown up in your mid thirties, would you start again and have a new family if you met a decent man?

OP posts:
AnnabelleLecter · 25/04/2018 07:44

No. I've really enjoyed raising DC. DD is 18 this year and we have a lovely relationship but I also have a great relationship with DH and finally we have started to put us first.
No interest in providing childcare with grand kids either. Helping out occasionally and doing stuff with them on our terms and odd babysitting but not going to start again.
DH's friend and his wife have just retired and are having their grandchildren four days a week doing school runs and looking after a baby. Not for us.

Laiste · 25/04/2018 07:45

I have. I had 3 before i was 29. Remarried mid 30's and now have much tried for lovely DC4 :)

16 year gap between DC3 and DC4.

I'll tell you what though - if i'd replied to this thread before i'd met DH2 i would have said HELL NO i'll never want any more children!
I would have been wrong.

You never know what's round the corner or how you're going to feel when you get there.

kyrenialady · 25/04/2018 07:47

Oh god Lonicera I forgot about A levels. DD1 starts in September Shock

ShinyShooney · 25/04/2018 07:50

You have a family. They can't be that grown up if you're only 35.

Max 20 years old.

Wait for the grandkids.

I think it's odd when parents are having more children at the same time as their children.

Tacky- I'm not sure why I think this but I do.

Hate hearing about Aunties/ Uncles younger than their nice/nephews. The generations are too muddled.

VileyRose · 25/04/2018 07:51

Yes I did :-)

Laiste · 25/04/2018 07:59

Wait for the grandkids.

So my second DH shouldn't have wanted a child of his own and should have just waited and hoped to become a step grand parent instead? Hmm

DH2 is a better father to my kids than their biological father ever was and at 34 was thrilled to become a 'bio' father to DD4. DD4 is spoiled and loved to bits by her older sisters and our family has never been so happy. What does it matter about generations being 'mixed' ? Confused

ToesInWater · 25/04/2018 08:05

If you really want more children, have more children but in my line of work I am constantly seeing people who think that when they re-partner after separation they have to have a baby together to validate the new relationship in some way. Cue lots of complicated blended families. Some people make it work well and I have the ultimate admiration for them, unfortunately I see a lot of children who feel like they have to pretend all is good to their parents but are conflicted and unhappy moving between homes and trying to navigate new relationships they never asked for.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2018 08:08

If you're mid late 30's and your youngest is 21 you had them very young, so I'd be thinking is there anything I didn't get go do that I want to do?
Study? Part time distance learning?
Career change?
Travel doesn't have to be expensive
Would fostering our adoption be something you'd consider if what you actually rent is a house full of children rather than specifically having them with your new partner iyswim?

But ultimately if you want another baby then that's your decision, just consider if you want to be doing all the awkward teenage stuff in your 50's with the grandkids only a few years behind

SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2018 08:12

ShinyShooney
Op coukd habe had her first at 13.

She could have shaved a few years off.
Her kids at 21 and say 23 could easy be a decade off having kids of their or an eternity.

Surely not having kids of your own because you'll have grandchildren one day who you can them try to take over is the sort of thing that ends up on aibu! My mom didn't have any more kids with my step Dad but then pressured me to get pregnant and now she keeps taking over

Laiste · 25/04/2018 08:12

But there are unhappy children in uncomplicated families too.

The way we treat children is the important thing.

I agree ''his, hers and theirs'' blends can be tricky to negotiate. Yes, you need to put thought into how it's going to be handled.

My situation is just: ''hers (with no interest from the father), and theirs'' (because DH2 had no kids of his own already), so not so complicated as some, i guess.

RoadToRivendell · 25/04/2018 08:21

OK, I misunderstood your OP - I can see it's not really a blended family.

As someone says just above, you must have missed out on a heck of a lot having kids so early (you can't have been more than 15 or 16) so I'd give it at least a year of contemplation.

Really, the only advantage of teenage motherhood is that you regain your independence in your 30s - are you sure you want to throw that away?

RedDwarves · 25/04/2018 08:28

How old are you if your youngest is 21?

35 seems a bit off, because it assumes you had your youngest child at 14 and your other children even younger than that...

Aprilmightbemynewname · 25/04/2018 08:30

I had my first at 17 and last at 43!!

LoniceraJaponica · 25/04/2018 09:28

"this is my youngest's last week at school!"

Are you not in the UK?
DD is doing A levels and they haven't finished any of the syllabuses yet. She officially finishes on the Friday of the spring bank holiday.

CrabbyJo · 25/04/2018 09:45

What's wrong with blended families Confused

LoniceraJaponica · 25/04/2018 09:57

"What's wrong with blended families confused"

I imagine the posters who have suggested that there might be problems have experienced them themselves.

rabbitrabbit12 · 25/04/2018 10:47

I'd like another child but dp is 56 and says he's past it I'm in my 40s with 12 yr old. I love having family around me. Anyone else??

speakout · 25/04/2018 10:56

*"this is my youngest's last week at school!"

Are you not in the UK?
DD is doing A levels and they haven't finished any of the syllabuses yet. She officially finishes on the Friday of the spring bank holiday.*

I am in the UK. Yes. That's all the coursework finished. Off now on study leave-no more timetabled lessons.

LoniceraJaponica · 25/04/2018 11:05

Wow. That's early. Unfortunately we have had too many snow days in March and it has pushed everything back. Even so, everyone is still at school until the end of May.

speakout · 25/04/2018 11:13

Summer holidays here start the end of June.

LoniceraJaponica · 25/04/2018 11:55

Are you in Scotland speakout?

SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2018 12:07

I love having family around me. Anyone else?? no, the rest of us hate having spend any time with them obviously. You are literally the only person who likes spending time with your family

rabbitrabbit12 · 25/04/2018 12:25

'In that predicament' obviously !!! Ffs

Progenitor · 25/04/2018 12:33

No, I wouldnt. I had my first at 19 and my last at 25, when I was then quickly sterilised, I definitely did not want any more and the older I get the more convinced it was the right decision. and whats all this finding a "decent man"? I did the first time, we have been married 31 years and no I would not get married again either if anything were to happen. I would not have wanted children with different fathers.

QuietFin · 14/06/2018 07:45

I have a 24 year old, 6 year old and 3 year old! I've loved doing it a '2nd' time so to speak! But my eldest is more like the fun uncle than big brother! But they all love each other and it works when we all together!