To ask for the benefits of living alone

[TheScandinavian]

This is me soon, after leaving a abusive relationship. I have a DD, never lived alone before. Went straight from my parents home to marriage.

Please tell me the perks of living alone

I love it. Twatface left 3 weeks before DS 2nd birthday and I've been on my own ever since, he's now 8.5.

I echo everything everyone else has said. It is brilliant even though I've had lodgers I still get to do what the fuck I want to.

DS and I have a ball (when he's not being a shit) we get to do what we want, when we want.

I have no intention of ever living with someone romantically ever again. In fact I probably won't even get involved with anyone because I can't be arsed to take on other peoples shit in that way. Happy for friends to off land on me etc but not dealing with anyone else's previous life stuff is great.

The only negative thing I can think of is that I'm short and can't reach stuff without a step or ladder grin

That’s what I think, @littlepill - women are more ‘useful’ to men than the other way round. That’s why married men live longer than single men, but single women live longer than married women (half-remembered ‘fact’ that may or may not be true)

I've never done it but I fantasise about....nobody snoring or shuffling their feet around in bed...having total control of the remote....going to bed at any time and not being disturbed later by someone joining me...cleaned rooms staying clean....not having to consult anyone else on decisions about the house/decor/whether we need a new carpet...eating toast for dinner...and sleeping with the window open.

lilpill but so many are 'What you can do when you are no longer in an abusive relationship'.

I was just struck by how many responses are from people who are no longer in controlling relationships, rather from those who weighed up their options and chose what they'd put up with. There's almost a feeling of 'it's like banging your head against a wall- it's great when it stops'...

I viewed a house today and the (very lovely) owner was telling me that she’d never live with a man again. She’s done the whole living together and splitting up thing in the past and now keeps her own house while her partner of nearly 20 years has his own. She said it is so good to be able to say she’s going home if he wants to watch the darts or something.

I think she’s probably right.

I think ex will miss me more than I will miss him (well I don’t plan to miss him in the least). He can’t cook and I end up doing all the drudge work, as well as all the thinking. So he’ll really love having to do all that for himself.

My relationship wasn't abusive but I'm a lot happier living without a partner. Even if you are in the best relationship ever you still have to compromise on things, that's part and parcel of living with someone. Even just asking your partner what they fancy for dinner - it's making joint decisions. I prefer making every decision myself - I like doing things my way without having to take someone else into consideration.

I can totally get the whole separate houses thing. But I do recognise I'd be fine about it until I saw DH entertaining people I either didn't know or care about.

Personally, I think either separate bedrooms or a big bedroom and huge, continental bed would do it for not married couples!

I admire the independence of so many of you, though note that, across MN, you tend to read of loneliness, social isolation, anxiety, wondering if you'll ever be close to anyone again; as opposed to reading about the iamazing freedoms of being alone )yet, again, viewed through the prism of ' I've ditched that bastard'

Being single is seriously underrated. Nothing would make me want to live with a man again. I've been single 10 years now and love it.

The best bits: freedom, space, less housework, more money, independence, time to myself for things I love doing, no ugly man things about the house, good atmosphere, no resentment, a big bed all to myself, healthier, happier.

I could go on.

I live with a man and have a good atmosphere!

You don't have to set yourself up in glorious isolation to achieve that! It's not an exclusive club!

I love it just being me and DS and I can’t see me living with a man again. I like being alone in the evening and not having to listen to anyone, watching what I like all the time, no additional mess, knowing where everything etc. I love that this place is mine, nobody has a claim on it. Oh and I love having no in laws visiting

House stays pretty tidy.
Can slob around all morning in your PJs at the weekend.
Watch whatever you want on TV.
Cook simple food, just for you/you and DD.
Lots of big pluses :)

I got married straight from home too. Still with husband but can relate to a lot of these, particularly no mess to clean up other than your own. If he's away for the weekend i love it. The jackpot would be if no kids either I suppose. I can imagine, if I am widowed one day, or if we split up, I'll be gutted but there will be positives too.

SO many! Wearing grotty old pjs all day with no judgement, eating whatever you want, all that space in bed to starfish, no compromising on tv, the opportunities are endless!!!!!

*I live with a man and have a good atmosphere!

You don't have to set yourself up in glorious isolation to achieve that! It's not an exclusive club*

It's a lot easier to achieve without a man around. I can have whatever atmosphere I want whenever I want it. Lots of single people aren't isolated., they can pick and chose when they want company.

But again, I don't have to listen to anyone (apart from DS's revision which I'd imagine those of you alone with DC also have to!). I am currently alone on my conservatory listening to the rain, and a DS gaming through a closed French Window; DH is in the living room watching Charlie Brooker. Not my schtick, but he doesn't expect me to sit next to him, and he will read his Kindle next to me when I catch up with Gogglebox a bit later. As he massages my toes 😊

Yes, my house doesn't look like it might were I alone but the 🙄 of us persistently reminding young men of how to not live like a slob is part of their life-education.

There doesn't always have to be conflict!

I wish so much this could be me. I would love to live alone.

namechanger I am sure you have a point, but every single one of us comes at this from our own experience.

I am 55. I have quite a few single female friend I've know for 20-35 years. Some are lonely. Some keep picking poor choices in partners to 'avoid' it. Others are busy, busy, busy. If it's Tuesday, it must be Yoga. Thursday? Book club. Sunday? Salsa.

Do not think I am ridiculing them; but I'd be exhausted if I felt I had to go out 3-4 nights a week to keep my social life flowing! But that's just me, I know. I'm sure many of you shut that door at 5.30pm, relieved that you won't have to inter-react with another human til 9am tomorrow. Especially not an abusive partner.

Having the freedom to please yourself, from everything to food to what you watch on the telly to where you go, what time you get up and go to bed, how clean or tidy you want to be.

No-one to abuse you, pick on you, treat you like dirt. So, in short, peace of mind and peace in your life. What's not to like? Wishing you all the best, OP.

Tansie - I've never felt lonely, ever. I hardly ever go out, friends come to me usually.

Being single isn't for everyone, some people will love it and others will hate it. I'm just glad we live in a time and place where we have the choice to decide how we want to live. It would be good if there was no stigma about being single, I think there still is.

Tansie it's great to hear that you are living with your DH and you still get to do what you want.

You have to understand it's not like that for someone who's been abused for years. Small things like eating what you want and watching what you want is HUGE for an abused victim. They are used to be controlled in every aspect of their lives. I cannot relax when he's around, constantly walking on eggshells. Waiting to be ridiculed, waiting to be shouted at, waiting for him to find faults in things I do. He hates my dressing gown and thinks I look like a slob when wearing it, I've stopped wearing it around him because it caused arguments. So of course when I put my dressing gown in my new home it's gonna be a huge relief to finally be able to wear it without being judged. He wants me to be glammed up 24/7 and "look like a woman", " be more feminine" those were his favourite sentences!

And what I will not miss is, after getting me and DD ready, I had to wait for him to wake up and get himself ready and he couldn't even manage that!

I used to feel the same advice you, Tansie, when we lived in separate parts of the same big house. Now I’m in a house a third of the size, alone, and it is extra quiet and extra lovely. Better to dip in, as friends, to the better bits of what we had, than to live with his noise and smells, even 3000 sq ft from me I think
it’s easy to tell yourself it’s ok than to savour the wonder of lonesome living. I was lonelier with him than I am now.

I guess that’s why I’m not lonely - can go to his house, see him & kids when they are with him, or my fabulous meigjbours. I barely go out in the way you describe! Have work in day and that’s great too. If I want sex I call upon one of two younger, energetic men!

May I distill what I'm trying to put across? So many people on this thread are saying 'it's far better to live alone than to live with abuse.

I couldn't agree more.

However, for me, and I suspect many, it's far better to live in happy supportive relationships than to champion living alone so as to avoid living in abusive relationships.

The alternative to abuse doesn't have to be alone.

Maybe the OP should have asked 'The benefits of living alone when the alternative is living with abuse' ... which is sort of how this thread has been responded to!

He wants me to be glammed up 24/7 and "look like a woman", " be more feminine" those were his favourite sentences!

@TheScandinavian - one of the first things I did after leaving my ex was cut my hair short. I was never allowed to cut my hair, as women have to have long hair .

Tansie - little things like being able to cut your hair if you want to when you're in a happy relationship, is something those of us in abusive relationships aren't allowed to do. That's why being single is so wonderful - we can finally just be ourselves and take care of ourselves .