I don’t want kids, everyone else wants me to have them

[theunsureone]

Hi everyone, I’m 25 and currently single. I really don’t want kids, mainly it's because I have a super high gag reflex and lots of things make me sick, I can't even pick up after my friends dog without being sick on the grass so how can I change a nappy?

I've also had a few back problems and I’m worried that pregnancy is going to make it a lot worse.

Finally I don’t want to deal with the constant crying, lack of sleep and babies are so delicate I’m worried that something will go wrong.

Everyone including my mum says i will change my mind and I am being stupid over the whole gag reflex thing, they say it's different for your own child but I wouldn’t be able to wipe my mums or my sisters arse let alone change nappies all day. Mum really wants me to have kids even though my sisters have kids.

AIBU or selfish? Have any mother's have gag reflex problems? I know dads do but not mums :/

You can decide what you want, it's no-one elses decision and you shouldn't have to answer to anyone.

But I don't get everyone asking why those conversations now and saying you've got years. They clearly don't understand fertility and how it declines when you reach 30. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember and at 27 I am 17 weeks pregnant with my first. Start young (not that this is advice for you because you don't want children) because fertility isn't something that just hangs around. And it can take years even in healthy couples...

OP, I have a PhD. Doing one does not imply any level of maturity, and in the nicest possible way, you sound unusually young for 25, and as though you are casting around desperately for Reasons Batshit Not to Have a Baby.

Look, you don't need anyone's permission not to want children. It's a perfectly normal thing. You don't need an unusually strong gag reflex or back problems or worries about crying as a justification.

I had my only child at 40, after decades of being contentedly childfree, You have lots of time to revisit your decision, if things change for you, but otherwise, just get on with your life. It's none of your mother's affair.

OP I’ve just read that people with hyper gag reflux triggered by non contact can manage it by squeezing your thumb by wrapping your fingers round it and squeezing. Some science behind it apparently.

Not sure how you’d manage that when wiping you’re arse though

I don't want any children of my own either, i never have. Don't let others pressure you. You know your own mind

Thanks teasandtoast but I tried that several times on different thumbs and fingers and sadly it doesn't work, and a lot of my tutors have said I’m very mature for my age and probably the most mature in mental age on my course (and we have a few in their 40s on the course)

Yo don't have to have any children op and it is entirely up to you .

I am worrying that I won't find a man that also doesn't want kids as not many men don't want them

That isn’t true. In my observation most men seem to be happy to go along with their partner’s wishes on the matter whatever they may be.

It's interesting, OP. My 16 year old did his GSCE language oral on brainwashing and how we all march, left foot, left foot, right foot, right to the rhythm of society's expectations of us... the expectations of those who hardly know us, of those who will not be there with us at the end of our lives.

Follow your heart and your mind. And don't let either be exploited by people who wish to decide for you. This is your life. Nobody else's. You do not have to follow the collective and have kids just because people are encouraging you to do so. You just don't.

You may very well change your mind ten years from now. Maybe you won't. You have time on your side and a lot of it. But during that time, live in truth and live YOUR life on YOUR terms. It's not about making others happy. Happiness starts with you, right where your two feet are on the ground.

Re gag reflex. Newborn poo is nothing like grown up/dog poo. Besides. Surely you manage to wipe your own arse? That is much worse than a baby's.

In general, you ate quite young. A lot of people don't want children at your age but go on to chance their minds. It is certainly possible that you will. But then again you may not. For a lot of people who are not naturally maternal or is triggered by being the right person or hormones. You can't really be sure that you will never want them even if you currently don't want them. If the discussions are upsetting you just say that you won't discuss it.

Oh dear the unsure, I was kind of hoping that would work on me I’m not sure what you meant by the maturity comment, I never said you were not mature!

and a lot of my tutors have said I’m very mature for my age and probably the most mature in mental age on my course (and we have a few in their 40s on the course)

Yes, that has just proved it. You sound all growed up 😂😂

What kind of PhD are you doing? It’s unusual to have a taught course

(Irrelevant but most, sorry.)

Cross posts! Dljlr we should 'do a course' together in guessing other people's posts. A PhD I reckon.

It's your choice and you don't any other reason than "I don't want one". I've had to listen to the "you'll change your mind" brigade for 25 years. I'm 40 this year and still firmly on the no kids side of the fence.

I don't understand why people are commenting in your immaturity....you have the gag reflex...nowt wrong with that.
Having kids does involve lots of gross things. My own child's poo...not to bad. That time when my dd trod in dog shit and i had to scrape it off her shoes...absolutely disgusting! Glam it aint.

People may be jealous that you are young and child free.

too bad even...

Also things like crusty bogies on screens, fingerprints on everything, good crumbs everywhere afe perfectly good reasons not to go there!

You seem to know your own mind, OP. It's your choice, no-one else's. Your friends/family/family's tennis partners/family's tennis partners pet tortoises will have to just accept and respect your decision.

I would advise that you just laugh off all the pressure and say things like "I'm waaaay too young to be thinking of that yet, can't even take care of a pot plant hahahaha!" with a tinkly laugh, then change the subject. (Although I am sure you are perfectly capable of taking care of a pot plant.)

Next time anyone puts the pressure on, just say: "I'm not going to set myself on fire to keep you warm". Or you could try: "OK then, if you pay for it and look after it" (although depending on how baby crazy they are, this could backfire). Stay true to yourself, whatever you decide.

I'd say 6month+ poo would be more of a concern to you than newborn poo OP. Fuck me, the first time my twins tried a curry the house stunk for a good few days also toddler sick is probably worse than newborn poo!

It's a science PHD but I have tutors who keep an eye out and check work etc and I help teach some of the classes. Teasandtoast I wasn’t aiming the mature bit at you it was the other people on the thread that think I’m immature and why on earth would you let a kid have curry or anything really stinky when you have to change their nappy. Finally people seem to be ignoring the fact that I said I do throw up when I wipe my own arse, the asked that a lot but aren’t happy with my response it seems..

I don't understand why they're going on about you having babies, when you don't even have a boyfriend.

You know, you could always say you'll decide when you're married. That might shut them up, until and if you do get married, and it will give you a break from it.