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Original poster

To think it's a bit cheeky of this guy to invite himself over to mine?

105 replies

BeQuietAndEatYourGreens · 24/04/2018 14:01

We've been on three dates, all very spaced-out and quite superficial. I'm not really feeling anything for him if I'm honest and could happily take him or leave him. I've been agreeing to keep meeting-up just to be open to something developing I suppose, especially as there's nobody else great in the pipeline either. Nothing much has happened physically because I'm not sure I want it to and I don't want to lead him on either (and I'm not generally one to get very physical early on anyway).

He texted to ask if I'd like to meet up for a fourth date. I said, 'Sure. How about dinner Wednesday?' He said fine and I suggested meeting in an area which is a good midway point for both of us.

He then said, 'OK. Could come to your place before or instead if that's easier?'

Erm, shouldn't it be me inviting him rather than him inviting himself?! Even if we get a take-away rather than me cooking for him?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 24/04/2018 16:37

Projecting much, velour? We have no idea what his motivations are, obviously he's up for a shag at her place is all we know, hardly makes him hard done by. He could easily be in the same boat as the OP but wonders if a shag might change things, or just fancy a meal and a fuck. It's a cheek to invite yourself over to someone's place. And even if you actually like the other party, it's sensible to take your time when introducing someone to your home - I learned this the hard way.

UkPod · 24/04/2018 16:37

He wants to get laid and sounds frustrated at the lack of it so far if I'm being honest.

BringMeCoffeePlease · 24/04/2018 16:39

Three dates and you don’t feel anything for him is time to call it off.

Motoko · 24/04/2018 16:42

I think his motives are a moot point. It's obvious that OP's just not into him, and is just using him as someone to go out with.

Dump him OP. If there's no spark there after 3 dates (and I wouldn't have bothered with more than one) it's not going to happen. I agree with MrsPratchett.

Stop wasting his time and leading him on.

DragonMummy1418 · 24/04/2018 16:46

@Pengggwn To be honest, if by a fourth date a bloke didn't want me on his sofa (so to speak!) I'd know he was wasting my time.

So if they don't sleep with you after 3 dates then you'd give up? Hmm

summerinthecountry · 24/04/2018 16:57

He should be inviting you to dinner and cooking, NOT inviting himself to your house.

Red flag and would think twice he seems pushy.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/04/2018 17:01

summerinthecountry then bed be lazy for expecting op to do all the travel and q creep for inviting her to his house alone.

Suprised no one has yet said its rood he lives with his mom / his wife

Pengggwn · 24/04/2018 17:28

DragonMummy1418

Not exactly what I said, was it? Hmm

theunsureone · 24/04/2018 17:55

Yeah I agree he should invite you round to his not come over to yours, you seem smart as in meeting up in public until you get more of a connection. Personally I would make sure you meet up again in public and then if nothing clicks I would start moving onto someone else. He wants to shag you but strange that he is not inviting you over, maybe he has something to hide?

ALongHardWinter · 24/04/2018 18:02

IME if a guy tries to invite himself to your place,because 'it's easier' or whatever other reason,it is because he wants a shag. That's all there is too it. After this had happened to me several times with different blokes over the years,I got wise to it. They only come to my place on my invitation now.

xsquared · 24/04/2018 18:05

I would just not have another date with him if you’re not feeling it.

Bramble71 · 24/04/2018 18:06

You're clearly quite uncomfortable with the idea as you've come here to ask. It does sound cheeky that he's invited himself to your place, and it's telling that he mentions 'after' dinner. If you still want to give him another chance, maybe text him back and say you'll meet him somewhere else. I'd be saying, thanks but no if it were me.

Butterymuffin · 24/04/2018 18:08

You don't have to shag him on date 4, but do you even fancy him? It doesn't sound like you do, in which case you're flogging a dead horse.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/04/2018 19:33

I think if I hadn't got a sniff of a shag after four dates, I would be moving on TBH. I appreciate that everyone has the right to decide for themselves when/if they want to have sex, but people also have the right to think that, if the other person is demonstrating no interest in sex, it's not worth pursuing things. There are still people who seem to see sex as a reward of some kind for jumping through hoops and/or have very low libidos anyway. If what you want is sex, or at least a relationship where sex is a priority then it's ok a) to test the water and b) to move on if the other person clearly isn't bothered.

And, yeah, I do think it's a bit grim to keep dating someone you're not fussed about just because you don't want to be - or appear - single.

expatinscotland · 24/04/2018 20:15

I'm married so not bothered either way and tbh if I weren't I probably wouldn't bother dating at all, I CBA'd and would rather just use a vibrator, but the bottom line is that it's just not working for you so cut him loose.

expatinscotland · 24/04/2018 20:21

It would tick me off to have someone invite themselves to mine like that and did even when I was dating, I invite when I want to. But the idea that I'd cook dinner and then hop in the sack was just, nah. I don't see sex as something to hold off on but then I'm someone who feels sexual compatibility is essential and a total dealbreaker to me when I was dating was bad sex, size, no oral, etc and I see nothing wrong with that. There has to be a spark and some lust there. You've given it a fair shot but thenceforth, don't listen to people who say, 'Oh, give it a chance!' or accuse you of being shallow if you don't want to carry on dating someone you don't fancy for whatever reason (doesn't drive, supports Arsenal, has kids, likes role playing, whatever reason).

expatinscotland · 24/04/2018 20:29

The relationships board is littered with people who should have stopped things way before but didn't listen to themselves or trusted themselves and walked away. And it's perfectly fine to do it by text or message if you are not in a committed relationship (and even then, in some of those cases, where the person is showing red flags of potentially controlling or abusive behaviour, it definitely has a place). Don't listen to 'You're so shallow!' or 'You should give it another chance!' or stories about how, 'When I met my one and only, he was in prison with 5 kids but that didn't stop our love.' You develop boundaries for you, stick to them, alter them as you see fit, but go with your gut.

Butterymuffin · 24/04/2018 20:29

I can see the 'don't be overly picky' argument, where you shouldn't dismiss someone on the first date because they love rock and casual clothes whereas you're a dressy classical music fan or whatever. But this doesn't sound like that. It sounds as if there is no spark, you haven't clicked at all. You haven't said anything about finding him attractive in any way. I don't think this is a real prospect. Let it go.

minimalpatience · 25/04/2018 00:08

3 dates is probably enough to establish whether you're interested. If you're not feeling it, the last thing you want to do is talk yourself into it.

XiCi · 25/04/2018 05:57

FFS you're not interested in this bloke. Why are you about to go on date 4 with him? Stop fucking around and find someone you are attracted to. And yes, he's after a shag. As you don't appear to be remotely attracted to him save him the time and expense of schlepping over to you for another restaurant meal.

flumpybear · 25/04/2018 06:25

I wouldn't like to be asked if I'd cook, I want to be treated! Personally I'd perhaps use this date as a make or break, if you're not interested let it be done

FWIW - can't drive and got no money is a deal breaker for me, I'm very independent and would feel he wasn't, and I'd feel I was going to be too put upon - possibly wrong but it wouldn't attract me (not that I'm overly bothered about money but he'd need to be able to stand on his usb two feet as it were in the early relationship stages! I take it you split the bill?

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2018 06:58

OP, dating should be fun. if it isn't fun end it.

You are missing out on the early attraction, sexually charged flirting and anticipation

Even if you aren't all about your sex life, you should be looking forward to seeing him. If you can take or leave someone, then you leave them.

You need to ask yourself why you are settling for so little.

Original poster
BeQuietAndEatYourGreens · 25/04/2018 11:25

Oh heavens, it gets worse...!

I messaged back and said I'd prefer to meet out for the time being. He then replied:

'That's fine. Just thought it would be nice to try your cooking as you say you like to cook in your profile. But another time maybe.'

Oh right and if he liked my cooking, he'd probably end up moving himself in over the weekend and expecting me to cook for him every night for the rest of eternity!

flumpybear - Yes, on previous dates we have always gone Dutch.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 25/04/2018 12:03

Get rid! What are you waiting for? He wants you to cook him a meal and suck his dick. He doesn't drive, he's not solvent. Just finish it.

Hissy · 25/04/2018 12:08

It's the 4th date shag expectation.

BONKERS!

I agree things have to be progressing, but there is FAR too much expectation placed - mostly on women - that they will have to put out or be considered frigid or batty.

You are not into him, you have had a strong reaction to a request he made - that tells you to stop pissing about basically and tell him it's not something you want to take further forward