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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want an occasional break from always being the one who has to collect

44 replies

Noideaatall · 23/04/2018 23:34

I have two DC that needs to be picked up every day from an after school club they attend. Both DP and I work full time. Somehow it has come about that I am the default person to collect them both every day as DP always claims he has meetings or can't get away. When they were at nursery I did both drop off and collection as DP always had "work". We now have a childminder who does the morning drop off. Once a month, or actually less often, I would like to meet friends after work which would mean DP would have to collect the kids. He always says he can't so I regularly miss meet ups. I think this is not fair, I have work too but someone has to collect them! Why should it always be me? AIBU to think he should do his share?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/04/2018 23:40

What is it about his job that makes it so impossible to manage his family commitments around it?

Part and parcel of parenting is doing this

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/04/2018 23:43

He’s being ridiculous. I wouldn’t put up with that kind of pointless inequality for a second. Just tell him it’s not happening any more, he will need to sort his diary management out.

unicornandrainbows · 23/04/2018 23:47

Whoever is not doing pick up does bath and bed or evening meal?!
Might make him clear schedule

Boredofthisnow86 · 23/04/2018 23:50

Nope nope nope nope nope. I had this out with my husband recently as I was always the one taking time off or leaving work early or cancelling clients.

He is 100% as responsible for them as you and he has to work that in to his worklife too. He gets parental leave entitlement like everyone else and has the right to leave work on time to be responsible for his children too. He has to realise that.

Original poster
Noideaatall · 23/04/2018 23:55

but what can I actually do? If he says he won't do it I feel like I'm stuck...

OP posts:
Original poster
Noideaatall · 23/04/2018 23:56

There's no reason that I can see that he couldn't do it. He just doesn't think he should have to inconvenience himself by re-arranging work around it. But I do it all the time!

OP posts:
falalalalabah · 24/04/2018 00:00

Make excuses as to why it’s imperative he goes to get them that evening.
I know it’s not right but it worked for me. Dentist/dr/only app they had...
If he doesn’t collect them then you’ll have to get a nanny in. A £30k pa kind of nanny. See him agree to that one.

He’s making similar excuses to what I’m suggesting. Then repeat. For at least a year until he gets it you’re no longer going to back down on this shit.

My h was aghast at having to make himself available. He also still reminds me he ‘might not get that promotion’ if he continues to have to take parental responsibility. For his child, I remind him that I too would like to take advantage of potential promotions that may never have been offered if I could never stay late myself.
Good luck!

Original poster
Noideaatall · 24/04/2018 00:14

I do actually think if I said I wasn't going to do it he still wouldn't believe it. I think he'd rely on me coming home just in case...then it would of course be my fault if no one was there at pick up time. Plus the kids would worry if no one was there to pick them up Sad I have made some excuses in the past - he just gets my teenager (DC from previous relationship) to agree to do it. But it isn't DC's responsibility!

OP posts:
Original poster
Noideaatall · 24/04/2018 00:15

and totally agree about promotions. He's been promoted since we had the DC, I haven't...

OP posts:
Iggiattheend · 24/04/2018 00:16

Have you had a sit-down, this can't go on type conversation with him? About how he views your job as less important than his?
At a minimum make him collect them twice a week, since he can, and the children would love it I imagine.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/04/2018 00:17

What else does he refuse to do because his time is so much more important than yours? Is his job something where it really would be a big deal if he left on time (eg he's a surgeon and really can't drop scalpel in the middle of a kidney transplant to do the school run) or is he just a cubicle mouse of some kind?
Does he do his share of domestic work generally, or is he the sort who thinks washing a cup or putting his pants in the laundry basket will make his cock fall off?

DarkPeakScouter · 24/04/2018 00:17

Sit him down and split the pickups evenly - if he objects, tough. Speak to your teen and agree a £30 charge per pickup if they get asked by him to do pickup. You’re not the Virgin Mary, they’re his kids too and he needs to step up. If he doesn’t collect them have yr teen on standby and collect the fee from him. At least someone would benefit from his cockup.

Original poster
Noideaatall · 24/04/2018 00:24

That's the thing, he does a very similar job to me (office) so I really can't imagine that it's impossible to get away. I think he just doesn't want to. And yes, he doesn't do housework either. He argued once that since I was the one who wanted someone else to do it I should pay! He doesn't think of it as his job at all.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 24/04/2018 00:25

Yes split the days between you. Either on a two weekly basis so you can have equal days (5/10 each) or even if you do 3 of 5 thsts better than this.

So, for instance, Tuesdays and Friday (or whatever days) he is the default and you don't even think about it unless he specifically asks you, giving a reason.

Graphista · 24/04/2018 00:26

What do you do JUST for him? If I were you I'd be stopping that.

Laundry, cooking, preparing his lunch? I'll bet there's plenty actually considering his attitude.

And yes time for a "come to Jesus" talk - NOT in the house, NOT on a special occasion (so you don't get accused of "spoiling" an anniversary or what not) go to a quiet, basic meal out with notes of what you want to raise (cos I'd lay odds this isn't the only area he's ducking out of!)

I'd be turning up at his work WITH the DC actually.

And email him this:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/?client=safari

Graphista · 24/04/2018 00:28

I knew you'd do all the housework too - he's a LAZY arse!

Graphista · 24/04/2018 00:29

HIS home HIS CHILDREN too - you are not his maid and nanny!

Original poster
Noideaatall · 24/04/2018 00:33

Ha! I sent him that! He ignored it. He is very defensive and insists he does his share. The only thing he used to consistently do was brush the younger DC's teeth, and then only once a day (I did the other one) but then he suggested we should take it in turns doing that! The worst thing about it is he works from home...

OP posts:
Graphista · 24/04/2018 01:39

No offence but were there no warning signs of how lazy he was before you had the DC?

HerRoyalNotness · 24/04/2018 02:00

He works from home? What a prat. Kick him out and get an au pair, send him half the bill.

HelenaDove · 24/04/2018 02:03

Isnt it funny not funny how men can organize massive stag dos and nights out but organize some childcare.............nope Hmm

HelenaDove · 24/04/2018 02:07

Your DH sounds like the blokes described in this article OP.

graziadaily.co.uk/life/opinion/man-babies-daddy-day-care-dump-friends/

Graphista · 24/04/2018 02:13

Exactly Helena - they CAN do it they CHOOSE not to. I'm a Lp and haven't had a live in relationship for many years. Absolutely would not tolerate such lazy selfish behaviour.

My ex was no prize in many ways but he did pull his weight round the house and was much better with dd until we split than many men are.

op it honestly sounds like he dies the precise sum of fuck all! What DOES he do - anything?

HelenaDove · 24/04/2018 02:18

YY Graph.

SGB Ive bloody missed you on these threads Thanks

Graphista · 24/04/2018 02:24

or is he the sort who thinks washing a cup or putting his pants in the laundry basket will make his cock fall off? Grin

Maybe we can persuade them their cocks will fall off if they DON'T pull their weight.

I'm also on a thread about adult children paying keep. Ime many of these men have

Never paid keep at parents house
Never did chores at parents house
Never lived completely alone or with just other men (so no woman to bump "wifework" onto)

So they have never HAD to pull their weight (and Shame on their parents frankly).

On another thread is a new father who won't have sole charge of the baby for more than 10 mins and if op DARES to try get more time to herself HE calls HER selfish and mean!

Why are we allowing these plonkers to become fathers?