to want an occasional break from always being the one who has to collect

[Noideaatall]

I have two DC that needs to be picked up every day from an after school club they attend. Both DP and I work full time. Somehow it has come about that I am the default person to collect them both every day as DP always claims he has meetings or can't get away. When they were at nursery I did both drop off and collection as DP always had "work". We now have a childminder who does the morning drop off. Once a month, or actually less often, I would like to meet friends after work which would mean DP would have to collect the kids. He always says he can't so I regularly miss meet ups. I think this is not fair, I have work too but someone has to collect them! Why should it always be me? AIBU to think he should do his share?

[ReanimatedSGB]

Ask yourself what this prick does contribute to your lives, other than money. And no, he's not a 'great dad' if he does fuck all for his children apart from a grudging trip to the park with them.
I doubt you have much interest in sex with him at present - it's hard to fancy someone who treats you like a servant or a prop to his ego.

It's worth deciding whether you want to keep him and repair the relationship (in which case some of the suggestions above about forcing him to take responsibility might work, or might not) - or whether you'd be better off just getting all your legal/financial ducks in a row then telling him that the marriage is over.

[chunkychunk]

So I haven’t rtft but I was in exactly your position.
You have some choices here. You leave him and accept life will probably be the same except he’ll have to give you a break because he has the kids 50% and he can fuck right off you’re having them 100% of the time

Or you can leave the kids to be collected by him, ring the school tell them you’ll be unavailable and they are to call him should there be any issues.
The wfh thing changes things completely. If you’re at your office and he’s at home the school will continue to ring his number until someone answers.

I know it’s not nice for the kids but you’re also teaching them that it’s mum that gets downtrodden for life.
I did all the cleaning, the housework the pick ups the drop offs. I still left his dc to him for one day because I’d had enough. He won’t budge. Men like this are arrogant. They know they can rely on you not leaving your dc at school so they do.

So you need to make the changes when he won’t. First change I suggest is leave the kids at school having arranged him to pick them up no ifs no buts.
TELL him he will be picking up he dc as you have dentist/dr/circus training whatever. Tell him as you’re leaving for work then text to confirm and text again 15 mins before pick up. Tedious but then do this over and over.
My h will still magically pretend he didn’t know it was his day. The school will reassure dc and your h will have to continue to reassure them after he picks them up.
I went and got myself a coffee after work some days. Start as you want to go on. The dc will be ok. Would you like your dc doing the same as you are? If not, where do you think they learn it’s ok to be treated like this?

[KirstenRaymonde]

He’s being a total twat, but it’s a tale as old as time. You’re the women, so you’re responsible for the children and the house by default in his eyes.
You need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is equally responsible for the kids and the housework, that’s what being a parent and a partner involves. When he pushes these things on to you and makes his time so much more important he’s saying they’re below him, and therefore treating you like you’re below him. You both have children, a job, a house and friends you want to see. These things are equal to both of you, and you both need to contribute to all of them and support each other with all of them. If he doesn’t want to be an equal partner he can fuck off!

[Crocuspie]

Agree with poster who said tell, don’t ask.
I used to ask (or even, wait for him to offer) for time away from dc1. It was rare.
By the time dc2 came I had started just stating when I’d be out. He’s never going to be someone who says “hey, you look like you need a spa weekend”, but he takes for granted now I will have nights out and weekends away. (And he does all the drop offs)

[Travis1]

So he does no pick ups and drop offs? He expects you to cook and clean so does no housework? He ignores you when you try and engage him over it?

You are still with this manchild why?

[applesisapple5]

Wait.... he WORKS FROM HOME and can't do a single pick up?!?! Wow, he needs to get a grip on himself. Go on strike!

[ZenNudist]

It sounds like you're way beyond being able to sit down and just have a reasonable conversation about it.

You are going to have to be really firm about being more equal in your relationship. It seems like you have slept walked your way into doing absolutely everything. A bit like a frog in gradually heated cold water, you are now at boiling point and about to be cooked!

You do realise that you're in a genuinely awful situation and that this is just not normal.

Does he do anything for you and the family?

[Rainbowqueeen]

Is Friday night the meet up night usually?

Tell him from now on you each do 2 nights from Monday-Thursday and alternate Friday nights. Any favours done for the other person must be reciprocated before another favour can be asked. Keep a written record if necessary.

And stick to it. Phone off and after school care notified that DH is in charge.

Any protests say you think this is fairest going forward but if he would prefer to do it all for the number of years that you have been doing it on your own until he has caught up that is fine by you.

Keep in mind you deserve that time off, he needs to build a meaningful relationship with his children which means spending time with them doing the day to day stuff and they are his responsibility too.

And book in that first night out!

[Graphista]

Men are making themselves obsolete in my opinion.

I was married when I had dd but let's face it getting pregnant by sperm donation or through an agreement with a friend isn't difficult. Hell less scrupulous women could just have unprotected sex with ons.

Even sex - ons, fwb - serves the purpose without being expected to wash his manky kecks, tolerate his snoring or deal with his mother!

I think men need to wise up to this fact - even medically men are better off married than women. It improves their physical and mental health and extends their life expectancy. Whereas the opposite is generally true for women (any bloody wonder? Wives are knackered!)

[Maggiepryor]

Op I am having a similar issue with dh over school holidays. I organise them, take leave, bend myself in a circle trying to make it work as he refuses to. I would ltb over it but it wouldn't solve the issue as I am sure he would have them in full-time programmes on his custody days and the poor things would never get a break. Good luck and

[Smeddum]

I'm not sure I could live with a man who thought so little of women in general and me in particular

I agree with this OP, everything you’ve described showed a real lack of respect or consideration for you and your opinions. He’s a passenger in his own life because he’s happy to dump all of the responsibilities on to you, because he can get away with it. This isn’t “man behaviour”, it’s being a first class dick.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Loving the links! Your husband is a man child, who doesn’t respect you at all. When you said he worked from home (so assumedly can be flexible with working hours), you floored me. I would do what has been suggested. Make yourself and your dd unavailable. Perhaps even go somewhere with her and force him to pick up the children.

[Weezol]

Do exactly what Pallisers says. I didn't even have kids but my workload at home dropped by 75% when I showed my ex the door. At least 30% of that was getting him to do simple daily chores.

Like Graphista, I wouldn't entertain a relationship with another dingbat like him. I've learned my lesson good and proper.

Funnily enough, I've just posted this link on another thread about a man choosing to be useless and having no respect for his wife.
Wifework:
www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/a-womans-work-is-never-done-9180463.html

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I'm not sure I could live with a man who thought so little of women in general and me in particular.

[DarkPeakScouter]

What Pallisers said

[pallisers]

You need to stop asking him and start telling him. And you need to get tough.

Get your teen on board - tell him/her he is not to do any collection of children until you tell him he can.

Then tell dh that on Monday he has to pick up DC. You will be unavailable with the phone off. Tell after school that you will be unavailable with the phone off but their father is picking up and here is his number and email in case anything comes up.

Then do not answer your phone. Do not respond to the after school. Let them track him down if he simply doesn't turn up. You may have to pay a fine.

Do it again on Thursday. Keep doing until you establish a routine of him picking up at least 2-3 days a week.

Then do the same with drop offs. Warn your teen not to help. Tell him he is dropping to school. Leave the house and let him to it. Easier if he works from home to do this - he can't scamper away earlier than you.

you are being played for a mug by a lazy man who is so far up his own arse that he can't see what a monumental leech he is being. I don't know how you can have sex with him tbh. But presuming there are good points in there, unfortunately you will have to train him up like a dog. depressing but better than doing everything yourself in the long run.

[HelenaDove]

Exactly.

[Graphista]

I did - I don't know what those mothers are playing at no wonder author of the piece is pissed off!

If these man babies HAD to

Do housework
Put children to bed
Organise household

They'd soon learn - I have an example of this in my life though so perhaps biased as I have 4 friends who were Lp fathers Inc my brother. One is now almost 60 and certainly wasn't brought up to do childcare/"wifework" but circumstances meant he had to step up and he did. He's a few fun anecdotes of getting it wrong - but then so do we mothers. Nothing where the children could have come to any harm.

[HelenaDove]

Graphista Take a read of what ive linked to. VERY similar.

[Graphista]

or is he the sort who thinks washing a cup or putting his pants in the laundry basket will make his cock fall off?

Maybe we can persuade them their cocks will fall off if they DON'T pull their weight.

I'm also on a thread about adult children paying keep. Ime many of these men have

Never paid keep at parents house
Never did chores at parents house
Never lived completely alone or with just other men (so no woman to bump "wifework" onto)

So they have never HAD to pull their weight (and Shame on their parents frankly).

On another thread is a new father who won't have sole charge of the baby for more than 10 mins and if op DARES to try get more time to herself HE calls HER selfish and mean!

Why are we allowing these plonkers to become fathers?

[HelenaDove]

YY Graph.


SGB Ive bloody missed you on these threads

[Graphista]

Exactly Helena - they CAN do it they CHOOSE not to. I'm a Lp and haven't had a live in relationship for many years. Absolutely would not tolerate such lazy selfish behaviour.

My ex was no prize in many ways but he did pull his weight round the house and was much better with dd until we split than many men are.

op it honestly sounds like he dies the precise sum of fuck all! What DOES he do - anything?

[HelenaDove]

Your DH sounds like the blokes described in this article OP.


graziadaily.co.uk/life/opinion/man-babies-daddy-day-care-dump-friends/

[HelenaDove]

Isnt it funny not funny how men can organize massive stag dos and nights out but organize some childcare.............nope

[HerRoyalNotness]

He works from home? What a prat. Kick him out and get an au pair, send him half the bill.