to ask how to avoid being a CF/bridezilla

[LoveInTokyo]

Been reading a lot of bridezilla threads lately.

We are having a sort of destination wedding, which can’t really be avoided. My OH is foreign and we have to get married somewhere, so either way half our guests will need to travel from abroad. We’ve chosen to get married where we live, so there is at least some logic to it. It’s an easy destination to get to and there are plenty of hotels and AirBnbs within crawling distance.

How can I make it easier and more fun for my guests to attend?

And what is the best way to handle the gift issue? I don’t want to make it sound like we are expecting anything, especially from people who have travelled a long way, but people want to know what they’re supposed to do. We don’t want to have a gift list because we don’t need anything and don’t have any space for extra stuff anyway. Most people seem to ask for money these days but I’ve heard that described as CF-ery.

Any tips about how to help people with children? There are likely to be a few babies but none over the age of two. Should we do anything for them apart from providing a quiet room for people to breast feed etc?

Any tips would be much appreciated!

Thanks.

Not in the slightest. I just take issue with your claim that "I guess everywhere’s a destination wedding for someone, now we don’t tend to stay in the same village all our lives and marry the boy next door." If by "we" you mean "society as a whole" that's flatly untrue. If by "we" you mean "middle-class MN readers", then as you were.

I wouldn't worry about the mumsnet pearl clutchers who faint at the sign of a wedding with honeymoon contributions as the favoured gift - I haven't been to a wedding in the last ten years where this hasn't been the case!

Just be honest - "As anyone who's seen our apartment will know, we don't have much room for 'stuff'! Please don't feel you need to buy us a wedding gift, especially if you're travelling from overseas. We all know attending a wedding can be an expensive business! If you would like to give something, a contribution to our honeymoon would be the most appreciated." Or something. I can't imagine anyone I know being offended by that.

Jesus fucking Christ, some people are really determined to have a go at OP, aren't they? As I said, OP, the only way to not enrage people on MN with your wedding plans is not have one, so they can tell you how stupid you are not to have the legal protections of marriage instead.

Other stuff - kids:

Room for breastfeeding might be good, it could then double up as a quiet place to pop a sleeping toddler later in the evening.

Some basic toys / colouring etc for toddlers to avoid boredom related meltdowns.

Kid friendly food. I have the idea that this isn't really done in France (could be wrong!) so might need to specify some plainer bits with the venue? Ditto drinks.

Other stuff - adults:

A breakdown of the day? I've only been to one French wedding but it was a loooooong time between arriving at the reception venue and sitting down for food! There was a LOT of champagne and relatively few canapes in that time, and I definitely did not judge my consumption of the two correctly! If I'd known how long til the main event I might have placed myself better

Info about transport, especially end of night transport if it's ending v late (We were the first guests to leave with a taxi at 2, which was a surprise!)

Maps, useful phone numbers, tourist type info for getting around.

If your English guests don't speak much French, and visa versa, maybe some handy phrases to allow the guests to communicate? Could be done as a bit of a fun icebreaker?

Advanced notice/warning about differences in etiquette during the ceremony? There were a lot of English people at the French ceremony as guests got up and wandered to the front to take photos during the ceremony!

It's really lovely that you're genuinely thinking about this, OP. It's dangerous territory creating a thread about how not to be a bridezilla, you were always going to attract posters looking for a bunfight. It is AIBU after all. I think there are some posters who think all brides are by definition CF bridezillas.

Wedding guests always give something to the happy couple, frankly I'd be embarrassed not to. I went to a wedding in Sweden once; it wasn't a destination wedding, the bride happened to come from there. I didn't begrudge buying a present on top of my aeroplane ticket. It's just what you do for a friend who's getting married.

I'd rather be asked to give money as a gift than not know what to give. I wouldn't want to give a gift that's just going to end up in a charity shop! Why would I do that, I could take it to a charity shop myself.

Thanks, some really helpful tips there!

I have no idea what babies/toddlers eat so I think I will wait until we know who is bringing kids and then just ask the parents what they need food-wise.

Re the language barrier issue, we haven’t yet decided how we will mix up the tables but we will do all we can to help people communicate!

Agree with MargaretCavendish, you really can't win. I didn't want or need any gifts for my wedding, so I didn't do a registry. I was told that was rude as it implies I wanted cash. So I did a small registry with cheap things on it and just gave it to those who asked, after telling them it wasn't necessary. I was then told that was rude, as I'm "forcing people to buy gifts". My sister told me even having the wedding was rude, because it implies I want gifts and anyway why would people want to come. Nice.

Aside from this I went to a lot of trouble and expense to make everything as easy and free for everyone. Location, paying for guest transport, a lot of food and an open bar, no gaps at all, giving everyone a plus one, no hens party/bridal shower. And you know what, my wedding wasn't appreciated or thought more highly of than any of my friends weddings who didn't do any of these things, and instead did cf things such as 2 x hens parties and overseas destination weddings in expensive tropical locations.

It was a good day, but if I did it again I would just do what I think is reasonable and important and not tie myself in knots trying to follow every etiquette rule every mentioned anywhere.

As someone who now spends a lot of time in France and who has been to a few weddings now it really shows how strong the cultural association for a type of format is, maybe it's different in Paris but the clothes (facinators, fancy matching clothes) seemed dialed back a bit, the eating and drinking was very stretched out, and the unexpected benny hill aspect to the wedding speeches/games in between each course

It took me years to realise that if we went to someone at lunch we would be going home at 6!

So I think an appropriate schedule, some jokey links to French wedding articles on the website, and a quiet room with some blow up beds for the kids to crash on

Have fun!

Thank you Thursday, you’re probably right about that. Definitely going to avoid an expensive hen do though!

theculture, you’re not the first person to mention the different format, so I think warning English guests about the timings of everything in advance is definitely a sensible idea, as well as a room for little ones to crash in.

I’ve noticed the same thing about the way people dress, especially at summer weddings in the south, where a lot of the French girls wear very simple dresses that I would be more likely wear to a beach bar. Often very short and/or backless as well. Much less formal than at English weddings, but it’s probably got a lot to do with the weather. I expect there will be less of a difference at ours given that it’s in the city and not in high summer.

OP have a wonderful wedding. Agree with PPs that a plan of the day, variety of accommodation including Air BNB if Paris still allows them, taxi/uber/metro information, poss the sights you'd recommend if they make a weekend/holiday out of it. ditto dress code. I would second two rooms - one quiet for bf and/or cots, with comfortable chairs and water/tea/some way of heating bottles/baby food - second for games but you need to make it clear you're providing/not providing supervision. But you can work that out when you know who's bringing DC and ages as you said.

As for presents - not sure about how French view contributions to honeymoon but it is increasingly A Thing, though older Brits tend to demur. I don't see the difference between vouchers at a shop/contributing to a meal or experience on honeymoon ... some sites even email you a picture of the B&G enjoying them if the B&G upload which is great. Providing, like wedding gifts, there's a range and you can anonymise your gift.

i know you mention people not being used to the later in the day wedding start and proceeding meal.just remind them "lay in yay" at the start.many people have to get up early for wedding here don't they so reminding them its also a later start and they can enjoy the start to the day better will ease much anxiety with that.
also with the meal then being later as in france...we had a nibble bucket.basically a stash of pastris and crips for deff kiddies lacking and unable to get through and some adults needed a pep up.but it wasn't a proper meal just an out the way station people rarely went to but did if they needed to with the kids etc.

also do you have a dress code?alot of our guest were panicked it might be a british ball gown type black tie wedding.which isn't often done in france and so found it hard to no what to pack and what to wear at other times if they were to make a oliday of it or just coming for the event what should they pack.make it clear what you are thinking and it will stop lots of questions and for us stopped a few nos to attending

I was going to say “no of course there’s no dress code” but now I have a slight doubt about whether the venue requires men to wear ties in their restaurant, so we actually will need to check that out. Thank you!