to ask how to avoid being a CF/bridezilla

[LoveInTokyo]

Been reading a lot of bridezilla threads lately.

We are having a sort of destination wedding, which can’t really be avoided. My OH is foreign and we have to get married somewhere, so either way half our guests will need to travel from abroad. We’ve chosen to get married where we live, so there is at least some logic to it. It’s an easy destination to get to and there are plenty of hotels and AirBnbs within crawling distance.

How can I make it easier and more fun for my guests to attend?

And what is the best way to handle the gift issue? I don’t want to make it sound like we are expecting anything, especially from people who have travelled a long way, but people want to know what they’re supposed to do. We don’t want to have a gift list because we don’t need anything and don’t have any space for extra stuff anyway. Most people seem to ask for money these days but I’ve heard that described as CF-ery.

Any tips about how to help people with children? There are likely to be a few babies but none over the age of two. Should we do anything for them apart from providing a quiet room for people to breast feed etc?

Any tips would be much appreciated!

Thanks.

Maybe you could include a note giving some details about the area you are getting married in?

With destination weddings, it is not just to cost of the flights and accommodation, it is all the small costs that people might not think to add in. Is your wedding venue easily accessible? Are you far from the airport? Where do you recommend they stay?

We went to a wedding last summer with our then 17 month old and it was lovely - the couple had provided a room full of toys suitable for different ages (it was a church wedding with reception in the attached hall, children's room was inbetween the hall and the church). And DD spent quite a lot of time there playing with the other children whilst we took turns to be with her.

As for gifts, we didn't need anything either so simply put in the invites that we didn't need any gifts as we already had everything we needed but if people really wanted to do something they could make a donation to charity.

My wedding was also a destination wedding for the same reason, OP.

How can I make it easier and more fun for my guests to attend?

We accepted that many people couldn't afford to travel abroad and were fully understanding of it and gracious in our response. We also found very affordable rooms within walking distance and notified the people who were concerned about the cost, and in the end we paid the few ones that some of our guests reserved.

And what is the best way to handle the gift issue?

We said that since we have everything we need, if anyone really wanted to do something lovely we'd appreciate a contribution to a cancer charity (of personal relevance to us).

Any tips about how to help people with children?

A quiet room for breastfeeding is a great idea; we also provided some garden games for the slightly older children.

And what is the best way to handle the gift issue? I don’t want to make it sound like we are expecting anything, especially from people who have travelled a long way, but people want to know what they’re supposed to do. We don’t want to have a gift list because we don’t need anything and don’t have any space for extra stuff anyway. Most people seem to ask for money these days but I’ve heard that described as CF-ery.

If people are travelling to your wedding, you should make it crystal clear that you neither want nor expect any gifts nor any money.

That doesn't really come across in your OP - what it sounds like is you want to ask for money, but don't want to sound cheeky.

You need to say unequivocally that you do not want any money or any gifts from your guests. It is unreasonable to expect people to travel abroad and then expect a further gift on top of that.

I also think you should proactively contact local places where people can stay, reserve rooms provisionally if you can, and put details of these places, and others nearby, in the invitations.

You should also provide transport from the airport or at least give details of this.

Basically it's asking a lot to expect people to travel to another country and you should make it as easy as possible for them.

We just didn't mention gifts. Every single daytime guest still gave us something (mostly cash).

Our wedding involved travel and was in an unfamiliar place for over half of our guests (we got married in my hometown but live where DH is from) and so we provided transport between our ceremony and reception venues.

Plenty of food and drink - as a wedding guest that's mostly what I need.

"Please, no gifts. We appreciate you traveling to be with us for our wedding and that is generous enough."

Put together lots of info about the location and things to do so people can turn into a longer holiday if they want.

Also, lots of info about accommodation, with a wide price range.

With regard to any decisions you may come to, take a minute to contemplate how you would feel should someone else ask the same of you. If you feel like you'd be put out, tweak your plans.

No question of there not being enough food and drink.

And cash bars are not a thing in France either.

My friend is having a ‘destination wedding’ and there are a few things that have rubbed me up the wrong way, although I’m still happy to be going.

The first thing is that she keeps making comments about how she knows it’s all costing us lots and she really appreciates it and is doing her best to keep costs down... but then none of that actually seems to play out in her actions. For example, she started off saying that she would have a very low-key hen party since she understood we were already paying a lot, but instead she’s now having not one but TWO hen dos, both of which have turned into pretty pricey affairs.

Secondly, the gift thing. I really can’t stand the whole ‘of course we don’t expect gifts’ schtick if people then go on to send a gift list link or ask for money in the same breath. I would have so much respect for someone who actually said ‘please don’t get us a gift’ in that scenario! Or just don’t mention gifts at all. Anyone who wants to get you one will still get you one anyway!

you already sound it so maybe I email or invite/webstie put exactly what you have to us.you know that youd love for all to come but really understand how things stand with travel.
could you mention parents especially question.like will be there be a space for tired traveled people,kids.to be comfortable,sit,nap.
will there be food for all ages include they maybe can bring their own if needs be.
mention local shops or restaurant nearby for those staying that will need provisions.
my aunty got a check list off people who wanted stuff in stock for when they came.so a roun robbin of milk,bread,egg, etc was put out and people asked for it in for them when they were staying nearby bu arriving late.
is there local places to stay.depending on how many coming is there a cheaper deal for a large place you could look at for them.or sort out a cheaper bnb deal?
what happens they day after for those staying.will there be a day after lunch or breakie?or will it be bye bye after the wedding.
cars.taxis.
pharmacys?
local things to do for those wanting a holiday out of it.
all these things we were asked.
I know your alreay busy but is there a friend or member of family who can man the questions so to speak.the info keeper lol.
special bits for your wedding party that makes them feel a bit special on arrival or at the wedding.
distances from place.local airport.ferry porty etc
time plan of the day.

on the gifts...are you really meaning you don't want gifts.if so don't mention it.if people ask tell them not nec.and then they either will insist and you can tell them from there ur fave shop,items etc. or they will bring something anyway.
but that's as long as you really don't want anything and wont begrudge some do some don't.

We ideally don’t want “stuff”. So if people want to give a gift (and we know a lot of people will) then cash we can put towards our honeymoon is definitely what we would appreciate the most. But I don’t want people feeling obliged to give anything or spend more than they can afford. I would rather they came and didn’t give a gift than did that, especially the ones coming from abroad. I’m more relaxed about our local friends as it won’t cost them more than an Uber home to attend.

If you don't want physical gifts, and to give an option other than money, why not have a sort of wish list with concerts/plays, weekends away, experiences, foods, drinks?
Or just tell people who ask, anything but household items. Or give them a list of charities that you support.

Or, if you really don't want gifts, just tell them you don't want any.

I've been involved in planning a similar wedding in France. Things I think people appreciated:

The order of service etc. in both languages. Bold bits for things you can actually say in either language (e.g. for a church wedding, the Our Father in both English and French). An interpreter for the ceremony and possibly speeches (not necessarily a professional, a confident bilingual family member is fine).

Explain the running order. It's common practice in France to have the speeches between courses of dinner and to have quite long gaps between the other courses, particularly before pudding. As long as both sides know what's happening it will be much easier.

If it's going to be late (again, French weddings often don't have the speeches and end of the meal until well into the night time), consider whether you could provide a room for children to sleep in. I think for the numbers and ages you're talking about there's no need to get a nanny etc., but just a quiet room where parents could take them.

Definitely include local tourist info as pp have said, so it can be main holiday for people who want a longer break.

I suspect most people who want to give cash will, and those who don't like to give cash will find a physical gift even if you ask them to give cash, so say nothing.

You’re probably right, lweji. But if we say nothing at all then people will probably feel like something is expected.

I wouldn't have a wish list of experiences etc. that seems a bit graspy in a way that a normal wedding list doesn't.

Ultimately whatever you do someone will insist on buying you a picture frame and/or unnecessary glassware. You can't dictate exactly what you get.

You are coming across quite strongly as if you want people to give you money.

Considering that at least half of your guests will be travelling internationally, in your position I think it's a bit off for you to expect them to pay for your honeymoon as well.

You asked how you can sound less 'CF' and bridezilla, but you don't sound very open to the suggestions that people have made on this thread.

If you genuinely wanted to avoid sounding that way, you would do as a previous poster suggested and say very clearly that you don't want anything, including cash, and that people could donate to a specific charity of your choice if they absolutely feel that they want to do something.

You are asking half of your guests to travel abroad. You already live together. I think you should pay for your own honeymoon.

Tbh it is more about absolutely not wanting “unnecessary glassware” that will go straight to the charity shop.

I daresay even if we say no gifts some people will ignore it anyway. I went to a wedding where the couple had clearly said no gifts and so didn’t bring one, and then ended up feeling bad when it turned out that most other people had obviously ignored that and brought gifts anyway.

You can’t really win.

So if people want to give a gift (and we know a lot of people will) then cash we can put towards our honeymoon is definitely what we would appreciate the most.

Christ. If someone put that on an invitation I'd refuse to attend out of hand, pretty much even if it was my own children. That's vile. You're already living together, you've got the money to run a fancy wedding, stop grasping for more. If you want to redirect their present-giving tendencies (and the comment about giving the presents straight to the charity shop is pretty nasty as well) then put the name and address of a favoured charity.

But "Please give us money for the honeymoon, everything else is going to the charity shop?" I'd write "fuck off" on the invitation and lose your address once I'd posted it.

KeneftYakimoski

To be fair, this is what most of our friends who have got married in recent years have done, and none of them are what I would describe as CFs.

There seems to be a bit of a disconnect between how this is perceived on Mumsnet and what people of our generation typically do.

We live in a 35m2 apartment so if people buy us physical gifts there is a good chance they won’t even make it through the front door, unfortunately.

Keneft - there's really no need for being so rude about this.

OP doesn't come across to grasping to me - she's simply saying that if people do wish to give something to them, then she'd rather it was cash than anything else. How to express that is the tricky part - I sincerely doubt that she'd say anything crass - that's exactly why she's on here.

And yes unwanted gifts do go straight to the charity shop - not sure why that's vile. I certainly wouldn't express anything but delight to the giver, but we didn't need the glass bowls or vases given to us by some of my DPs friends, so off they went and hopefully brought joy to those who bought them and made some money for the charity.

this is what most of our friends who have got married in recent years have done

They've said "Give us the money, or we'll give any stuff you give us to the charity shop anyway?" Wow. They sound nice.

There seems to be a bit of a disconnect between how this is perceived on Mumsnet and what people of our generation typically do.

So why ask people, then?