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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how to avoid being a CF/bridezilla

138 replies

LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 10:30

Been reading a lot of bridezilla threads lately.

We are having a sort of destination wedding, which can’t really be avoided. My OH is foreign and we have to get married somewhere, so either way half our guests will need to travel from abroad. We’ve chosen to get married where we live, so there is at least some logic to it. It’s an easy destination to get to and there are plenty of hotels and AirBnbs within crawling distance.

How can I make it easier and more fun for my guests to attend?

And what is the best way to handle the gift issue? I don’t want to make it sound like we are expecting anything, especially from people who have travelled a long way, but people want to know what they’re supposed to do. We don’t want to have a gift list because we don’t need anything and don’t have any space for extra stuff anyway. Most people seem to ask for money these days but I’ve heard that described as CF-ery. Confused

Any tips about how to help people with children? There are likely to be a few babies but none over the age of two. Should we do anything for them apart from providing a quiet room for people to breast feed etc?

Any tips would be much appreciated!

Thanks.

OP posts:
londonrach · 23/04/2018 13:44

When i got married i put nothing about gifts in the invite. If people choose to buy something that was great, if that d idnt that was great. Didnt care. We had amazing relaxing wedding despite my mum being ill with breast cancer, gran had brain tumour and my sister gave birth 4 days before. Roaring log fire, jengo and good company in an old house with lots of friendly people. I went to bed around 11.30pm but heard most left between 1pm -2pm as i think the jengo got competive. Just dont mention it and enjoy your day x

Original poster
LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 13:45

Obviously they didn’t put it that way. Most of them just said something along the lines of, “if you would like to give a gift then some money towards our honeymoon would be appreciated”.

I don’t find it rude at all, I just wanted to get a range of views.

(And yes, my friends are nice!)

OP posts:
GuildedLily · 23/04/2018 13:50

The only thing I'd add is please keep it to one day. If you have to travel abroad to a wedding, spending £££ and using up holiday days, it might well be your family holiday for the year. At least if it is one day you can have a day or two as a family exploring, rather than going to night before barbecues, day after picnics, trips out all together etc.

TheCraicDealer · 23/04/2018 13:55

We got married where we live and most of DH’s lot had to travel (including a flight and two night’s accommodation). We didn’t put anything on the invites about gifts but if people asked we said something along the lines of “you don’t need to but if you really want to, cash for us to put towards our honeymoon would be really appreciated”. Some people who travelled across didn’t give us anything and that was grand, we knew they’d come a long way and were just glad they made it. With longer distances, like in this case France, and the fact it’ll be a longer and more expensive undertaking the politest thing to do is say “no gifts- we realise the cost of travel and accommodation”. If pressed mention about the honeymoon fund but I would never put that unprompted to guests who you’re asking to travel to a different country.

Also think about a wedding website. Sounds horrific and bridezilla-y, but in reality you can get them for free on a number of sites and you can fit way, way more info on there than you can on one of those bits of card you sling in with the invite.

I think the best thing you can do re. weddings and trying not be a CF is be aware of other people’s budgets and commitments. If they can’t make it, or would prefer to skip a planned activity or stay somewhere other than the venue, be gracious and say “thank you for letting me know”. Keep some perspective and remember that this is an important day for you, but no-one else will care about your wedding as much as you do. My sister told me that in the lead up to mine, and whilst it’s a bit knobbish on the front of it what it also means is that as long as people are fed, watered and entertained the other stuff is just padding really.

expatinscotland · 23/04/2018 14:04

'To be fair, this is what most of our friends who have got married in recent years have done, and none of them are what I would describe as CFs.'

Were they also expecting their guests to spend hundreds and take time off work to get to their wedding? It's very CF to tell people to give you money when you're having a destination wedding.

KeneftYakimoski · 23/04/2018 14:07

It's very CF to tell people to give you money when you're having a destination wedding

Quite. An invitation which expects me to pay for my own plane ticket, use my leave, and then fund someone else's holiday on top, seems just to be naked avarice. I wonder if the OP thinks all her guests should "cover their plate?"

Original poster
LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 14:08

Fair point. Although as far as “destination weddings” go, it is not much different to getting married in another part of the UK in terms of time, cost or ease of getting there, thankfully. For someone travelling from London it’ll probably be cheaper and easier than getting to Devon.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 14:11

“I wonder if the OP thinks all her guests should "cover their plate?"”

Err, no.

Given how much we are paying for each guest, if someone actually gave us an equivalent amount as a wedding gift we would be embarrassed and overwhelmed. It would be far too much, even if it came from someone who lived locally and didn’t have to pay for travel or accommodation.

Keneft, you’ve made your views very clear, thank you. I wonder whether you would be as outraged by someone who was having a traditional gift list, but perhaps we’d better not get into that discussion, as I am only really here to canvass people’s views and get some constructive advice/tips.

OP posts:
Foxyloxy1plus1 · 23/04/2018 14:25

Would you think it a good idea to ask for charitable donations if people really want to give something. Then it really doesn’t matter whether it’s a fiver or £100.

Original poster
LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 14:34

I might suggest that to my OH, foxy. I’ve never seen people do that in France but it might be a better option for the British lot.

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 23/04/2018 14:52

And if in doubt, ask the MNJ (Mumsnet Jury) - they will set you straight.

I strongly disagree! I think take MN advice on weddings with a pinch (or a whole cellar) of salt. MN, collectively, seems to absolutely hate weddings, meaning that no wedding is good enough. If you have an expensive wedding then you're a materialist narcissist who is doomed for divorce; however, if you don't provide food every 20 minutes, transport for all your guests, etc., etc. then you're a selfish CF. MN will also insist that the entire wedding should be arranged around the needs of the four parents of small children attending the wedding, because MN posters tend to believe that parents of toddlers are a higher plane of human than everyone else and so should be treated like royalty.

In real life, most people quite like weddings, and as long as you don't do anything madly outrageous like charge people entry or something will be nice and generous about your day, and understanding if every single aspect of the arrangement isn't to their ideal specification.

MargaretCavendish · 23/04/2018 14:53

Oh, and I agree with you that around 80% of weddings I've been to the bride and groom have asked for cash (including mine), the others have all had gift lists, and in no case has anyone shown the slightest sign of being offended or weird about this.

homeworkinghubbard · 23/04/2018 15:05

Agree with PPs about posting schedules for the day, and making sure guests aren't hungry - there may be plenty of food, but at the many French weddings I've been to it's been served at times very different to what the British contingent were expecting, so half the guests were starving then served a huge feast at a (to them) weird time.

Lweji · 23/04/2018 15:26

France really isn't much of a destination wedding, as indeed it can be as expensive or less than travelling within the UK.

It's not Maui.

Original poster
LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 15:27

homeworkinghubbard

That’s a very good point, thank you.

The ceremony isn’t until mid afternoon and the evening meal will be later than British people are used to so I will warn people to have a big lunch. It will go on much later than they are used to as well so I probably need to warn them about that too.

(Already had a friend tell me he was going to book his return journey at 9am the next day and had to say, “dude, it finishes at 4am and there is a free bar...”)

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 23/04/2018 15:30

Getting married where you live isn't a destination wedding. It's a wedding. Where you live.

Ginger1982 · 23/04/2018 15:44

Sorry I don't like the giving money option as I think you should pay for your own honeymoon tbh.

If you don't say anything about gifts however then people will inevitably ask you so if you really don't want gifts then I would go for the charity option.

GorgonLondon · 23/04/2018 15:50

It is a destination wedding in practice for half of the guests fallen .

It is really tasteless and rude to expect people to pay for your honeymoon when they have to fly to the wedding and possibly miss out on their own holiday as a result.

You're saying you want to make people's lives easier but it rings a bit hollow really.

You're not offering any real help with travel or accommodation and you want them to pay for your honeymoon

A free bar really doesn't make up for that, not even for the heaviest drinker.

TheMonkeyMummy · 23/04/2018 15:56

The times I have really loved contributing money is the alternative guest list. So, for example, one couple were building a kit car, so they had an online list where we could buy parts. Another is a honeymoon experience, where we buy, for example, breakfast on day one, or zoo entrances on day 2, or even cocktails on day 3. That was fun.

Please don't put up a poem or start dictating how people should behave!

We simply said for our wedding that we préfèred présence over presents. We did get a few toaster etc, we took them straight to the charity shop who were very happy to receive them.

TheMonkeyMummy · 23/04/2018 15:57

Ps: we never expected people who travelled to give a gift. I think that's a bit CF tbh.

OlennasWimple · 23/04/2018 16:01

I always thought that a "destination wedding" was where the B&G got married somewhere they don't live or have family connections to (like Maui). Not somewhere they actually live but not in the country where one of the couple is from Confused

Anyway, I don't know anyone who takes offence at requests for cash either. Some people will ignore it and buy you glasses / a toaster / photo frame / whatever, but they will do that regardless of what you put on the invites TBH

Giving people info in advance and on the day about what is going to happen and when is the main thing. Any dress code issues about where you are getting married? (Covered shoulders in church / no one else will be wearing a hat type stuff)

Original poster
LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 16:02

Nobody will be missing out on their holiday. Most people will actually be able to get here and back without even taking a day off work, although I expect some will choose to stay a couple of days and do some sightseeing. No need to get on a plane either. We actually chose to do it in Paris where we live because it will be the easiest option for the highest number of people. For our London based guests it will probably be easier and no more expensive than getting to where my parents live, which would have been our UK option.

I may have misled people a bit by saying “destination wedding”, really.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 23/04/2018 16:03

The OP isn't expecting guests to pay for her honeymoon. It says so in the OP and is repeated twice. She would be happy for them to come and not bring a gift, or contribute to a honeymoon. Just if they were to give a gift she would pewcee it not to be an object. I can't see a problem.

TheFallenMadonna · 23/04/2018 16:03

Pewcee? Prefer!

expatinscotland · 23/04/2018 16:08

Look, you want people to pay for your honeymoon as a gift. You're trying to justify it (it's only Paris, we're spending a lot on the guests, we're having an open bar, people want to give blah blah blah). The fact is it's cheeky to expect people to give you money if they've had to go way out of their way to travel to the venue, pay for a hotel, etc.