Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

to ask how to avoid being a CF/bridezilla

138 replies

LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 10:30

Been reading a lot of bridezilla threads lately.

We are having a sort of destination wedding, which can’t really be avoided. My OH is foreign and we have to get married somewhere, so either way half our guests will need to travel from abroad. We’ve chosen to get married where we live, so there is at least some logic to it. It’s an easy destination to get to and there are plenty of hotels and AirBnbs within crawling distance.

How can I make it easier and more fun for my guests to attend?

And what is the best way to handle the gift issue? I don’t want to make it sound like we are expecting anything, especially from people who have travelled a long way, but people want to know what they’re supposed to do. We don’t want to have a gift list because we don’t need anything and don’t have any space for extra stuff anyway. Most people seem to ask for money these days but I’ve heard that described as CF-ery.

Any tips about how to help people with children? There are likely to be a few babies but none over the age of two. Should we do anything for them apart from providing a quiet room for people to breast feed etc?

Any tips would be much appreciated!

Thanks.

OP posts:

Lweji · 23/04/2018 16:27

Surely, a destination wedding for the OP would be something like, ahem, London.

Original poster

LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 16:47

True, lweji.

I guess everywhere’s a destination wedding for someone, now we don’t tend to stay in the same village all our lives and marry the boy next door.

OP posts:

GorgonLondon · 23/04/2018 16:48

No Margaret you misunderstand. what is disingenuous is to post a thread entitled "how can I not be a bridezilla and make life better for my guests?" When would you really mean is "how can I ask for my guests to pay for my honeymoon?"

Op has ignored all suggestions that will actually make life easier for her guests like arranging accommodation for them or refusing to accept gifts. Paris may be relatively near to London but accommodation in Paris in the summer is hardly going to be cheap.

Original poster

LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 16:51

I haven’t ignored any suggestions!

OP posts:

Original poster

LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 16:51

It’s not in the summer either, not that that really makes any difference.

OP posts:

KeneftYakimoski · 23/04/2018 16:57

I guess everywhere’s a destination wedding for someone, now we don’t tend to stay in the same village all our lives and marry the boy next door.

Most people do, as it happens. It's being pointed out that Mumsnet isn't real life, which is true, but expats living in Paris is hardly the majority case. MN is wildly, wildly more affluent, travelled, middle-class and post-18 (indeed, post-21) educated than pretty much any forum one can imagine this side of "postdocs on tour".

Original poster

LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 17:02

Keneft anyone who has been to university or ever moved away from home or who has family who don’t live in the same area as them is going to have a ton of non local friends at their wedding, sorry.

If I got married in my home town it would be a “destination wedding” for literally everyone except my parents and the one school friend who still lives there.

OP posts:

Original poster

LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 17:05

In fact I don’t know why you’re being snide about that because as I said before, we have literally picked the town where the largest number of our guests actually live to get married.

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 23/04/2018 17:06

Some posters on here are just looking for a bunfight quite honestly. It's clear to most of us that the OP isn't trying to be grasping, she just doesn't want lots of stuff they don't need. And she's said that at a previous we'd she went to, the bride and groom requested no gifts, but most of the guests bought them anyway, leaving her feeling tight for not giving them a gift.

When I got married 15 years ago, guests kept asking about a wedding list, so we did an Argos list. which a lot of people did back then. One person asked about a wedding list before I'd even said they were invited.

So I can see where the OP is coming from. People will give presents whatever the bride and groom might say. So I think the best solutions are: 1) say nothing and wait to be asked; or 2) nominate a charity for people to donate to. You'll probably still get presents you don't want either way.

I personally wouldn't find it rude if the bride and groom suggested money or vouchers. I think it's better to know what they actually want. Some posters are determined to see this OP in the worst possible light.

Whisky2014 · 23/04/2018 17:16

The crux of it is, is that you want money.
But you know it is cheeky which is why you dont want to write it.

Exhaustedpidgeon · 23/04/2018 17:25

Entertainment packs for the kids on their tables. A little toy, some colouring, a book, some child friendly snacks.

Exhaustedpidgeon · 23/04/2018 17:26

Maybe ask for vouchers?

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 23/04/2018 17:28

Jeez I think you've been given a hard time in here by some posters OP.

Most people in real life like to give the bride and groom a present to celebrate their wedding and the start of their marriage.

If you don't want gifts but want to give those people who want to give you something some ideas I think that's absolutely fine.

Just be honest.

We will be so thrilled if you can join us for our wedding and that really is present enough. We've been together a while and have enough stuff for our little Parisian apartment. If you still want to get us something, a contribution to our honeymoon would be lovely, but is in no way expected.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 23/04/2018 17:35

Op, some people are being very critical of you when you started a thread trying to do the right thing!

I suggest that you include likely timings of the wedding day on your website and on the invitation. How long is the gap between the ceremony and the meal likely to be? Instead of advising a big lunch, can you provide drinks and snacks? Will you mind if people leave earlier in the evening rather than staying to the end?

If your guests have to travel for the wedding, keep the hen/stag parties to something cheap and local to avoid extra expense.

I think you should state no gifts on the invitation if you don’t want presents. Don’t include any request for money.

Lizzie48 · 23/04/2018 17:37

Spot on from sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit that expresses it perfectly. I've never gone to a wedding without a present for the couple who are getting married, so I would welcome having clear guidance on what they would like.

TheFallenMadonna · 23/04/2018 17:38

Refusing to accept a gift would be far more rude than anything suggested by the OP.

Original poster

LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 17:40

Some good suggestions there, thank you.

OP posts:

KeneftYakimoski · 23/04/2018 18:00

anyone who has been to university or ever moved away from home or who has family who don’t live in the same area as them is going to have a ton of non local friends at their wedding, sorry.

Why am I put in mind of Marie Antoinette with sheep on little ribbons?

Most people do not go to live-away universities. University takeup is around 40%, but a large portion of that 40% stays at home, some of them (I realise this will come as a shock to MN readers) even daring to attend post-92 universities. Of those that do go to live-away universities, many return "home" after doing so, and remain there. And a huge majority of those at live away universities are less than 100 miles from home; weekend commuting is also routine.

It is ludicrous to suggest that at a population level, "most" people end up marrying in another country, or indeed at the opposite end of the country; this is the epitome of the middle-class experience, and a small and specialised portion of that middle-class. Your distance from reality is indicated by the fact that you think going to a live-away university significantly away from home and then staying away from home at 21 is the majority, or even a large minority, case.

Morphene · 23/04/2018 18:05

I'm sure someones said it already, but if you don't want gifts then maybe suggest people donate to a charity instead if they want to?

Original poster

LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 18:17

KeneftYakimoski

None of that has got anything to do with my wedding or the people who will be invited to it, so perhaps you could rant about it elsewhere?

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 23/04/2018 18:28

@KeneftYakimoski people do go away to university, maybe not so much since I was at uni? Generally young people apply to several places But even if you're at a uni near home, chances are you'll have friends who don't live locally. When DH and I got married our guests came from all over the country (one of my friends came from France) and we really appreciated it. It almighty sounds as if you're judging posters for not staying in one place their whole life and daring to move.

The OP has chosen to have the wedding in the place where the majority of her friends are now. That is perfectly reasonable; it means that some people will have to travel by Eurostar and the OP has shown real appreciation of that.

DroningOn · 23/04/2018 18:32

Realise that while it's one of the biggest days for your and DP's life, for most other people it's just a other wedding..... Tough I know but I think this is at the root of a lot of wedding nonsense

Bettiedraper · 23/04/2018 18:32

That will benefit no one (except the charity shop it goes to the week after).

Why don't you simply return unwanted items to the shop. It's easy enough to google to find out where something was purchased, and most places will at least give shop credit in exchange (if you don't have a receipt) so you can get something you need.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 23/04/2018 18:32

Just say that you don't want any gifts or anything in lieu of a present, you just want them to be there.

If travelling, as you've asked what you can do, you could pay for the hotel etc as it's shouldn't cost a fortune to attend a wedding.

Original poster

LoveInTokyo · 23/04/2018 18:36

Thank you Lizzie.

I fully expected this thread to be a mix of people offering genuine constructive criticism/advice and people just looking for a bunfight, as you said in your earlier post. That’s OK because I can tell the difference between the two.

Keneft seems to have taken it one step further by suggesting that I am a CF for daring to go to university away from home, make friends from other places and - even worse - marry someone from another country. It’s all a bit odd. Not to mention a bit late, since I am 32 and made most of these decisions nearly half a lifetime ago. Still, even if I had done as she seems to be suggesting and stayed in the village where I grew up, I’m not sure what I would be expected to do about all my aunts, uncles and cousins who don't live there. Offer to pay for all their hotels and train fares, maybe?

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread