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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unreasonable not jointly signing messages to kids

88 replies

Tigermoth15 · 22/04/2018 23:46

My brother has been married for 21 years and has two boys with his wife. Their relationship has its issues and he has always said that if it came to a choice between him or someone in her own family, he is sure they would come first every time. He also has said he feels like he is just there to provide a lifestyle and he doesn't get treated the way he would like to be at home. Of course, I have maintained a diplomatic silence through all of this and tried to reassure him as one does that perhaps she is just a bit thoughtless but tonight, he called me and he was really upset. It is his youngest son's 18th birthday and his wife has posted a message on Facebook with photos of my nephew from the time he was a baby up until now but not a single one of them as a family. I have to say there isn't a picture of him with his brother either, just my nephew and sister in law and a long message that is just signed from her and not 'Mum and Dad'. It isn't the first time either. He is really upset about it and I am not sure what to think about it or what to say to him. Is she being unreasonable?

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Idontdowindows · 22/04/2018 23:50

Really? It's Facebook. He can't type or something.

OH and I would never sign our FB messages from both, that's ridiculous. It would be different if she left him off the card.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2018 23:51

She posted a message from her on her own FB with pictures of her and her son?

I mean, he could do the same.

Oswin · 22/04/2018 23:52

Your brothers being weird. My dads not on facebook my mom is. I would find it weird if she signed messages from her and dad knowing its just her. Shes just doing a parent to child thing. He can do the same.

blackteasplease · 22/04/2018 23:53

That is such a weird thing to be upset about.

He can do his own message! Or can he not be bothered to spend the time, as she has, doing something as thoughtful and time-consuming as finding a picture from every year of his life. He just wants his name put on as though he has made the effort?

TawnyPort · 22/04/2018 23:55

`He may or may not have a point about his family set up, but that is not a good example of it

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 22/04/2018 23:59

I think it is because he feels excluded a lot of the time. Not just because of this but other occasions too. He is upset that it is never about 'mum and dad' but only mum as though she is the only one who does things for the kids. He is a very good father and provider. She has never worked, has cleaning ladies so never had to do housework, beautiful house in an affluent location, kids privately educated, luxury holidays including an extra month a year where just she goes to her sister in Geneva. He takes a backseat most of the time and just let's her do what she pleases but I think he is feeling excluded and as though he doesn't matter in the family or that there is no togetherness as parents.

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AjasLipstick · 23/04/2018 00:00

I wouldn;t sign from my DH either...if it were my Facebook account. My DH doesn't do social media.

Maybe he's not as nice as you think he is at home anyway? You only hear his side of things.

AjasLipstick · 23/04/2018 00:01

She has never worked, has cleaning ladies so never had to do housework, beautiful house in an affluent location, kids privately educated, luxury holidays including an extra month a year where just she goes to her sister in Geneva

You sound jealous.

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 00:01

AjasLipstick, my brother is and always has been a softie and she has always ruled the roost so to speak.

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Idontdowindows · 23/04/2018 00:01

He takes a backseat most of the time and just let's her do what she pleases but I think he is feeling excluded

Maybe he should have participated more actively in the family then?

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 00:02

No not jealous but just trying to explain the set up and to demonstrate that he is actually a good husband. I have lived and worked overseas for much of my life so I have had the servants and nice houses etc as an ex-pat..

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Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 00:04

Idontdowindows, he does and always has done but obvs works long hours to pay for it all. I just am not sure what to say to say to him about it without a) making her sound bad or b)making him feel as though his feelings have no validity. I want to be diplomatic.

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Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 00:06

And she has left him off cards in the past, not all the time but there have been years.

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Jaylabelle · 23/04/2018 00:11

Maybe there are other things wrong in their relationship, but that's not one of them.

It's perfectly normal for mothers to post messages/photos on Facebook on birthdays. I would never expect the father to be included on that. He could do his own if he wanted to.

Why not make an AIBU about the actual situation rather than this molehill?

Idontdowindows · 23/04/2018 00:13

I would suggest you only know his side of it and you don't know anything other than what he tells you.

EightdaysaweekIloveu · 23/04/2018 00:13

It's very hard to comment when we don't know their situation and I'm guessing your a bit biased (understandably so he is your brother) but you say he takes a backseat, does he proactively engage with his sons? Has he gone and bought a birthday card himself for his sons?

EightdaysaweekIloveu · 23/04/2018 00:14

Oh the Facebook situation is very childish and unnecessary for him to be upset over.

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 00:15

I just wanted to hear what others think about it. Now I can go back and say I think he is worrying unnecessarily about it. I always post something like Dad and I are so proud of you etc to my daughter on FB even though my husband doesn't do social media so to me, it is normal as DH and I are a team and my messaging reflects it on birthdays/Christmas etc. I too think there is more to the situation than first appears and I want to be supportive but not judgmental if you see what I mean?

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LadyLoveYourWhat · 23/04/2018 00:16

I think you are hearing only one side of the story here.

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 00:17

Idontdowindows and personal observations obviously after years and years. He has always been there for occasions and parents activities at school and weekends etc. He adores his kids and is a very hands on, loving dad.

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SleepingStandingUp · 23/04/2018 00:21

Its clearly not just about this one message, which I actually think would be fine just off her pr off both depending on the family.

You said he's taken a back seat, works long hours etc - perhaps he needs to step up and party something similar if he feels auto aggrieved and to build on their relationship whilst he can.

You say he's a good partner / parent but then only talk about the physical / financial things he has provided.

Youngest is now an adult, perhaps he needs to think about whether this marriage is something he wants

GloGirl · 23/04/2018 00:22

I think often these "back seat dads" find once all the "hands on" parenting is finished they've missed out on the bonding stage of life and have established a relationship and it's boundaries with their kids.

So, son is getting to be a teenager and naturally growing apart from his parents anyway, due to a difficult relationship he's starting to resent his wife and the difficulties she has brought to the marriage and hey presto - it's her fault she hogged the parenting.

I bet one morning, at 3am mopping up sick she didn't think "Just wait till it's his 18th birthday I'll show my absent husband just how to exclude him" and instead was desperate for his "laid back" approach to be more helpful to her.

You do reap what you sow.

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 00:26

SleepingStandingUp, yes I am aware of that and I should have said that he is and always has been incredibly supportive of her and her family, always been kind and respectful to her. I guess that although I have my suspicions about what is really going on, I don't want to be the one to flag it up but I will go back and say that if he is upset he needs to speak to her and think about things but also that it isn't odd that she hasn't also mentioned him in the FB message.

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Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 00:27

Political Biscuit, my brother was and is a hands on father and that included the nappy changing/sickroom duties etc and going to work on very little sleep. A lot of the time, she refused to get out of bed and made him deal with it.

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sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/04/2018 00:28

You had servants? Are you bloody royalty?