To be unreasonable not jointly signing messages to kids

[Tigermoth15]

My brother has been married for 21 years and has two boys with his wife. Their relationship has its issues and he has always said that if it came to a choice between him or someone in her own family, he is sure they would come first every time. He also has said he feels like he is just there to provide a lifestyle and he doesn't get treated the way he would like to be at home. Of course, I have maintained a diplomatic silence through all of this and tried to reassure him as one does that perhaps she is just a bit thoughtless but tonight, he called me and he was really upset. It is his youngest son's 18th birthday and his wife has posted a message on Facebook with photos of my nephew from the time he was a baby up until now but not a single one of them as a family. I have to say there isn't a picture of him with his brother either, just my nephew and sister in law and a long message that is just signed from her and not 'Mum and Dad'. It isn't the first time either. He is really upset about it and I am not sure what to think about it or what to say to him. Is she being unreasonable?

Of course she did.

idontdowindows, she did actually plus several other shocking things, one night after we sat up with a couple of bottles of wine but anyway, have a nice day.

I think it's really interesting how you are still only taking on what you want to hear!

You still haven't said whether you're planning to suggest counselling which would be the only sensible option of anything suggested. There are clearly deep seated issues in the relationship which need addressing if they are not going to divorce. And both will need to be able to admit what their faults are. By seeing your brother as a completely innocent party you are not helping him be able to work through the issues. A relationship that is in difficulties cannot be the fault of only one partner, obviously situations involving abuse aside.

No, I am taking on the more reasonable and balanced comments here and if you had read everything, then you would see that I actually have said he is no plaster saint. However, some OP have accused him of being a sap, an idiot, possibly unfaithful, misogynistic, insensitive etc etc to the extent that the abuse has only stopped short of someone labelling him a wife beater too! I shall be passing on the constructive comments that certain OP have made that are not only neutral but also will cause him to reflect upon himself, his life and what he wants going forwards and yes, I shall mention counselling.

Well let's hope he succumbs to your manipulation takes your advice and then leaves her... It really sounds to me as though she would be much happier without him and of course she'll have a nice big payout to move on with her life. And the close bond with her dc, of course.

Problem solved!

Honestly OP it doesn’t matter who’s right here, what matters is your brother is running to his sister and you are both getting carried away with a bit if a bitch about her.

This is a regular occurrence too.

I’m sure they are like most marriages, good and bad on both sides.

What does definitely NOT help is your little chats and you are the only one to stop this. It feels good as your brother turns to you, feels bonding against a third party. But this is way too serious to be excluding of his wife and taking sides. Marriages are hard enough!

How would you feel if your husband was continually moaning about you to his sister? Please just stop and think about the damage this is having.

Have you asked him whether doing something about his relationship is on the table I.e. seeking outside help or divorce? If he really feels that she is excluding him from family life then he should tackle the issue with her and also ask himself if this is how he wants to live for the rest of his life. If they aren’t in love anymore then maybe they should both move on, kids aren’t daft and would know that there parents probably aren’t happy.

People are always going to accuse you of being biased towards your brother, only you know whether that’s true or not. But I think when your brother complains about his wife, you have to ask him what is he going to do about it.

@captain that is why I think this is so damaging. Of course your sister is going to be on your side. So this is never going to be a helpful conversation, it’s just an attack on his wife basically to his family. It poisons the well.

He needs to

• stop talking to his sister
• start being more respectful of his wife
• go to counseling with his wife and air problems with her.
• or go to counseling himself to work out his feelings. Then decide what to do.

The initial post is very telling. I mean, attacking his wife because she didn’t sign a Facebook post is hardly the crime of the century. However bitching to your sister who of course loves you and has your back is pretty mean.

Well, I really don't see where you think I am 'attacking' her in my first post - I was just reporting something that happened and was asking for advice on how to deal with it. I also just reported the general situation, living conditions and a bit of background - that is how things are for real without any spin on them. Those are just facts although I know some of you have found those facts to be unpalatable for some reason. very tiresome to keep being attacked by strangers who are assuming all sorts of things without actually seeming to read things in depth in the first place. I now know what I am going to say to him this evening and it isn't 'bitching' wintertime, it is confiding and I have ALWAYS stayed as fair as possible and told him when I think he is in the wrong. Ever thought that perhaps he speaks to me because there isn't anyone else? Or that he feels unable to confide (not that he runs telling tales) and frankly, with the suicide epidemic amongst men at the moment, I would rather him be 'indiscreet' than bottle it up until he perhaps can't cope any longer and does something to harm himself as a friend's husband did earlier this year so sorry if it doesn't fit in with your idea of what is right and proper and yes, I am closer to the situation but I have a better idea of what is going on than a complete stranger! I NEVER asked for judgment on the actual situation but ADVICE on how to handle it diplomatically and as neutrally as possible. I have repeated again and again that I do not wish to take sides and I don't want to see them divorce if it can be avoided but that seems to be completely ignored.

Sister has her brother's best interests at heart, shock horror.

I’m not judging you for being your brothers ear piece, many of us have someone that we can moan and wing to. But I think if someone complains about the same thing over and over, they have to ask themselves what they plan to do it about it.

I don’t think divorce is the worst thing for a couple who have no connection and whose relationship has broken down,

Captain, I know YOU weren't and he doesn't complain often but seemed so hurt by this that I know it is symptomatic of something deeper x

A "Mrs Degree

Yep, I know the type. My SIL has one of those too. Art History no less!