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Original poster

To be unreasonable not jointly signing messages to kids

88 replies

Tigermoth15 · 22/04/2018 23:46

My brother has been married for 21 years and has two boys with his wife. Their relationship has its issues and he has always said that if it came to a choice between him or someone in her own family, he is sure they would come first every time. He also has said he feels like he is just there to provide a lifestyle and he doesn't get treated the way he would like to be at home. Of course, I have maintained a diplomatic silence through all of this and tried to reassure him as one does that perhaps she is just a bit thoughtless but tonight, he called me and he was really upset. It is his youngest son's 18th birthday and his wife has posted a message on Facebook with photos of my nephew from the time he was a baby up until now but not a single one of them as a family. I have to say there isn't a picture of him with his brother either, just my nephew and sister in law and a long message that is just signed from her and not 'Mum and Dad'. It isn't the first time either. He is really upset about it and I am not sure what to think about it or what to say to him. Is she being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Graphista · 23/04/2018 08:20

My post was based on what YOU wrote and the first thing I wrote was a question.

Which you haven't directly answered but I can make a damn good guess at.

I don't believe for a second she has NEVER done anything in support of him and his career - which rather confirms what I'm thinking.

You say you get on with her yet haven't said ONE positive about her yourself on this whole thread!

Idontdowindows · 23/04/2018 08:23

A lot of the time, she refused to get out of bed and made him deal with it.

Ah, so you were living with them at the time. You should have said.

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 08:33

I dontdowindows, no, she told me so herself! This is what I mean, this is not just based on what he has told me or what I have observed but direct reports from her.

Graphista, she is a very bright, intelligent woman and I have actually said that she adores her kids. Assume what you wish.

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Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 08:35

Graphista, yes he does. He has always said she is an excellent mother and a good daughter to her parents and that she is intelligent etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 08:37

Anyway, the most useful info has already been provided by people who have come up with positive suggestions which I will definitely pass on especially the ones that add a bit of humour to the situation.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 23/04/2018 08:46

this is not just based on what he has told me or what I have observed but direct reports from her.

The thing I, and some others, are trying to get you to understand is that you are not in this relationship with the so you don't know the intricacies or the workings. You don't know how hands on he really is, you don't know if she is really as lazy as you paint her to be and you don't know what either he or she has tried earlier on in the relationship to ensure there was a balance.

You can judge her all you like (and you're only judging her, that much is clear), but you weren't there. You don't know what exactly went on and you can be pretty sure your SIL already knows you think she's a spoiled princess and your brother a hard done by sod that wants nothing but the best for his family and is being thwarted by his evil lazy princess wife.

Your brother is actually expecting her to sign a very thoughtful message to their son on Facebook with his name too, even though he put no effort into it himself. He is actually upset about a Facebook message and wants to get credit for the effort she made to create the perfect birthday message for their son even though he did fuck all to make it.

That is a very telling reaction and maybe some of us see it as very symbolic of how he is in the relationship.

fontofnoknowledge · 23/04/2018 08:51

Ffs why do people come on here to deliberately pick a fight ? These are meant to be boards where women support women - not look to find 'a hole in their story' at all costs.

For once - just once- how about just assuming that if , what appears to be a bright intelligent articulate woman comes on here - and is asking for advice about how to support her brother (who she loves) in a relationship with his wife . Who seems to have taken all the material worth from the relationship and detached herself emotionally. Without jumping to conclusions that he ;

Is to blame.
Is an inherent misogynist who does not appreciate her input into child rearing whilst he worked.
Is actually i'guilty' in anyway beyond what the OP had actually said.
... and then answer the bloody question without recourse to annoying and unhelpful words like 'it's not your business'.. (as it obviously is because one of the parties has made it so by asking her. !)

Personally OP, I would suggest asking him if he wants to spend the next 25 + yrs with someone who has little connection or interest in him than the material comforts he provides. ? If the answer is no, then he needs to leave and she needs to get a job.
The kids are out of the maintenance payment arena now and will cope perfectly well . As kids of divorced parents do every year .

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 08:55

Of course, I appreciate that in the same way as nobody knows everything about my DH and me and everyone has bent over backwards for her over the years, my parents, me - the whole family as we all welcomed her and wanted them to be happy and for her to be happy. I don't think my brother is a plaster saint by any means and there are issues there for sure but what I actually wanted and some posters seem not to have picked up on is NOT a critique of the situation but rather positive advice about what to say to someone who is obviously upset and feeling left out but that won't be incendiary or make things worse. You see I think these things can be fixed with a bit of effort on both parts but as OP have said, this is just symptomatic and very representative of what goes on. I don't want to take sides but I do feel that when he calls me again today, that I need to say something to lighten the mood and have a bunch of positive suggestions that are non-judgmental and helpful to move it forwards and make him feel as though he can actually do something about it as he was sounding pretty hopeless about it all. You know, buck him up a bit and make him feel a bit more empowered. That's all.

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Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 08:58

fontofnoknowledge, thank you so much for that message. I was starting to feel rather victimized when all I wanted was some advice.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 23/04/2018 09:16

I don't usually do Facebook montages but as both DH and I are on social media I probably would just sign it from me unless both of us decided to do it. The photos would include him though and I would not think of sending a card to our daughters, grandchildren or other family members without including him.

Your brother is obviously unhappy and based on what you have said your SIL is quite happy with her life of luxury with your brother picking up the bill for everything. It is common as the kids grow up for couples to realise they have little in common and separate or divorce. My sister and her husband split a few years ago after 29 years of marriage after their kids had grown up. It happens.

I think your brother needs to decide if he still loves his wife and wants a future with her and then has a conversation with her as to what she wants. Counselling is an option but I am for the direct approach in that they should talk to each other and either work on their relationship or call it a day and separate. The lifestyle of both will be affected though as after a long marriage your SIL will be entitled to half the house, maybe more as she has never worked. In the meantime tell your brother to forge his own relationship with his sons and not worry about what his wife puts on Facebook. That is trivial in the grand scheme of things.

pestilentialboundary · 23/04/2018 09:34

Tiger she has just done a MRS degree?
Sorry to be a bit dumb, but could you expand on this.

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 09:53

Sorry pestilientialboundary, it is a degree that is undertaken by women originally back in the 1950's with the intention of snagging a decent husband but these days, it is more likely to mean getting a degree from a moderate to highly prestigious university with the intention of not working but it looks good and makes one seem a bit more eligible if you see what I mean. Her family are massively status orientated despite not being wealthy. Her sister is the same, married some really wealthy guy and now lives in Geneva and has never worked a day but speaks of attending charity galas as ' my work'.

OP posts:
nellieellie · 23/04/2018 10:05

Think it’s a bit much to criticise “back seat” dad, but mum is fine swanning off, doing her own stuff, not having to work or do housework even. Not surprised she has time to post on Facebook. I think it’s weird too, if you are doing this to exclude family pictures. I would always include my DH on anything like this (though dont use social media), because I think it would be much nicer for the DS to have something like this from “Mum and Dad”. Dad is presumably a bit busy working long hours to pay for cleaners and trips to Geneva. (And I am a SAHM).

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 10:06

Thanks Cornishclio and for sharing your own family's experience. I agree with you.

OP posts:
mzcracker · 23/04/2018 10:14

Servants! LOL
I personally couldn't get worked up over it. Presumably he's got his own fb he could post his own version.
Or, here's a thought, he could just wish him a happy birthday in person without the public show.

DuchyDuke · 23/04/2018 10:14

To me it seems like your brother might be trying to poison you against her as he’s got a replacement waiting in the wings. My own brothers have done the same thing. Don’t be so easily manipulated and make your own mind up from what you can actually see.

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 10:21

I doubt very much he is having an affair - seriously.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 23/04/2018 11:12

I agree with fontofnoknowledge

If OP's a brother is a good guy, then it seems a shame that he is with someone who only wants him for the lifestyle he provides.

I think he needs to have a word with DW and tell her how unloved and unwanted he feels. If DW dismisses him then I think he should think about leaving her as his kids are all adults now.

And he should get a shit hot lawyer so that the divorce settlement is fair for both.

caperberries · 23/04/2018 11:17

Sorry op, but you honestly sound like the SIL from hell

Lacucuracha · 23/04/2018 11:27

Can you give some examples of this hellish behaviour from OP, caperberries?

Idontdowindows · 23/04/2018 11:43

A "Mrs Degree"

Jesus wept the misogyny is palpable.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/04/2018 11:57

Well if both her and her sister wanted to live a life of luxury funded by some poor sap then they have both either been very clever in achieving their goals or very lucky to have found a couple of idiots who allow them to do it. Are you seriously suggesting she is happy to put up with a lifelong marriage to a bloke she doesn't love or respect so she doesn't have to work?

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 12:56

It isn't misogyny at all, just a fact that there are, indeed, people out there that actually do these things. As for being a SIL from hell, yes, I suppose if listening to her, encouraging her, helping her out whenever I could even if it inconvenienced me, taking her side on various issues, introducing her to new friends, making sure she is included and that her opinions are accommodated etc makes me a SIL from hell, then yes, I guess I am! My whole point is that I wanted advice on what to say that would be NEUTRAL and not to make things flare up yet would still make my brother feel I was being supportive of him without taking sides. Very few posters here have actually done that but plenty have projected goodness knows what onto him and made him sound like some pantomime villain! I think deep down there is still some love of some degree that could be rekindled and I want them to sort it out but it does need to change I think in order for that to happen. Nobody wants to see a divorce if it can be helped.

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Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 12:58

Idontdowindows, she actually admitted to me that was why she went to university! It isn't me projecting onto her.

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Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 13:02

Anyway, I will take the very sage advice of several positive posters here and it will probably be an amalgam of the decent advice given. Thank you to those who replied really constructively, it is much appreciated and sounds exactly the right way to approach it. x

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