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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unreasonable not jointly signing messages to kids

88 replies

Tigermoth15 · 22/04/2018 23:46

My brother has been married for 21 years and has two boys with his wife. Their relationship has its issues and he has always said that if it came to a choice between him or someone in her own family, he is sure they would come first every time. He also has said he feels like he is just there to provide a lifestyle and he doesn't get treated the way he would like to be at home. Of course, I have maintained a diplomatic silence through all of this and tried to reassure him as one does that perhaps she is just a bit thoughtless but tonight, he called me and he was really upset. It is his youngest son's 18th birthday and his wife has posted a message on Facebook with photos of my nephew from the time he was a baby up until now but not a single one of them as a family. I have to say there isn't a picture of him with his brother either, just my nephew and sister in law and a long message that is just signed from her and not 'Mum and Dad'. It isn't the first time either. He is really upset about it and I am not sure what to think about it or what to say to him. Is she being unreasonable?

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Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 00:29

Ha ha! No, but in Africa and other places it is very common to have a housekeeper etc.

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AjasLipstick · 23/04/2018 00:30

And she has left him off cards in the past

Well nothing's stopping him from taking charge of cards for himself is there?

Butterymuffin · 23/04/2018 00:30

What does your brother want when he tells you these things? Is he venting in the hope of reassurance, or does he want to be told he's married to a bitch and ought to leave? I'd ask him. You're in a difficult position here.

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 00:31

AjasLipstick - yes, I may suggest he does that in future and stand back and watch the fireworks when she kicks off!

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Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 00:32

I know ButteryMuffin and that is why I was really asking about what can I say to be diplomatic about it because I don't want to get dragged in. I want to be supportive but non-judgmental at the same time.

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Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 00:40

Thanks all for the responses.

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Atticusss · 23/04/2018 00:42

It sounds like your brother may have some valid reasons for insecurities regarding his relationship, but not from this particular incident. Social media profiles are very much personal and individual and wouldn't be the done thing to sign off a personal or otherwise message on someone else's behalf. If she was phoning her brother and complaining that her husband hadn't bothered to post a birthday message to his son, her complaint would be more justified.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 00:54

she has always ruled the roost so to speak.

There in lies the problem. He's let her rule the marriage and she always will because he's let it be that way.

He needs to have a solid relationship with his sons so that whatever she posts on Facebook doesn't matter.

He can do lots of father and son things with them ... and nobody could take that away from him.

I posted pics when DD was 18 and said 'our daughter' .. most pics were of DD...one with DH included... and a couple more with just me and DD...none with our other DC.

Greenyogagirl · 23/04/2018 00:56

If his youngest is 18 (an adult) does it matter? Surely it’s a bit late to moan that he feels excluded

sockunicorn · 23/04/2018 01:02

its HER wishes to her son from HER facebook. I think its fine. Especially as shes left the other son out of the message. Its not like its signed "love mom & brother" or photos of everyone but him.

M0RVEN · 23/04/2018 01:07

What political biscuit said .

mrsplum2015 · 23/04/2018 01:09

I think you can be supportive of your brother without taking his side.

There are always two sides to a story.

The best thing you can advise him to do is consider whether he wants to be in the marriage and if so perhaps he could suggest relationship counselling. Its highly unlikely that his wife is particularly happy, what you describe about her charmed life relates purely to material benefits, and those don't make people happy.

It sounds like she may have given up a career herself, and maybe given up other things you don't know about.

Wintertime4 · 23/04/2018 01:10

I think it’s unhelpful to be ‘getting family on side’ in relationship problems. So she’s excluding him? Doesn’t sound like the Facebook thing is that bad at all. And yet he’s phoning his sister slagging her off?

I think they should both communicate better with each other and you should stop being his fallback. It’s very divisive and immature of him and you. He obviously loves her and if they’ve problems, next time suggest counselling and stop slagging her off!

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 01:24

Wintertime, no need at all to call me immature! I can assure you that i am certainly not any such thing but I am concerned about him as he has been pushed by her to the brink previously and had thoughts about hurting himself. They did split previously a long time ago but got back together because the kids were very small so I think there are a lot of problems there. She has a great life that she could never afford and would lose if divorced, he doesn't want to upset the kids. She has never worked and just got a MRS degree from college and despite having plenty of help has never displayed the slightest inclination to do anything, not even volunteering. Sorry, but I was actually asking for advice on what to tell him not a heap of judgmental stuff! Thanks anyway and believe me, there are plenty of women who would kill for a husband like my brother in terms of his kindness, considerate nature, generosity (both material and emotional). He isn't some insensitive a-hole! Thank you to the posters who actually took time to read and offer genuine advice.

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Greenyogagirl · 23/04/2018 01:28

How about you tell him as the ‘kids’ are actually adults maybe he should just do what makes him happy

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 01:30

GreenYogaGirl - that is actually a very good idea x

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Greenyogagirl · 23/04/2018 01:33

Also, if he’s as lovely as you say, when/if he’s single I’ll take him on a date GrinWink

mrsplum2015 · 23/04/2018 01:36

So are you going to suggest counselling to your brother?

To be honest, with your update about him wanting to hurt himself he needs to seek his own psychological support urgently. I think that statement shows how one sided you are. Sadly he needs to take his own responsibility for his mental health much as you believe it was his wife who "pushed him to the brink". If he is unhappy he is the only person who can take control of that.

If the kids are late teens I don't really understand his worries about upsetting them. If their parents are in an unhappy relationship they are more than old enough to understand it would be better if they split.

And having a great life isn't about a cleaning lady and holidays. I think it's impossible to know what your sil might want from her life unless she has specifically confided in you.

Only speaking from the other side as we moved to further dh's career and my sil would definitely assume I love living the life of Riley so to speak. She's often made reference to that view. However I would far rather a more even split and be pursuing my own career. I don't need to "show" or tell her directly for it to be true!

twinkletoes741 · 23/04/2018 01:40

Perhaps your brother should post a message from his Facebook account? I assume your nephew's card/presents came from your brother and SIL? I personally wouldn't post a message to my children from me and their dad as it's my Facebook profile and he has his own to post from should he choose to.

Also, the whole signing Facebook posts from "Me, OH and the kids xxx" is a personal bugbear but not really relevant to this post!

GypsyQueen · 23/04/2018 03:42

Even if it is her facebook page she has just put photo's of herself with her son, none with his father on. I think she is out of order.

NewYearNewMe18 · 23/04/2018 04:34

I think people over invest emotionally in FB.

I'd just slap up a nice photo of who-evers birthday it is, never mind who else happens to be in the photo!

Rainbowqueeen · 23/04/2018 04:53

Lots of my Facebook friends post these kinds of messages on their child's birthday. None of them sign it from both parents.

I'm not sure about photos, I think they are a mix but usually would be the best ones they can find at the time.

Is this really a symptom of a deeper issue? If so, maybe it's more help to speak to your brother about the time he spends with his DC and his wife. Can he suggest that he eases back on work and she picks some up instead?

It's sad that he feels that way but honestly Facebook is not a true reflection of anyone's family life.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 23/04/2018 05:10

Oh FGS of course it’s unreasonable of your SIL. Perhaps the Facebook omission could be seen as an oversight if it weren’t for all the other stuff you’ve mentioned.

But it sounds as if your brother has never stood up for himself and told his wife how selfish she’s being.

It’s Facebook so he can comment by posting some pictures of his own with his kids with a cheeky message saying “and here are some pictures of you with your other parent Wink” or something like that.

It’s time for him to stop being such a softy.

Graphista · 23/04/2018 05:12

Does he ever tell you or say anything positive about his wife?

1 you can't POSSIBLY know what goes on in another persons relationship

2 he may only talk to you about the relationship when there's a problem.

And give it a rest with the "she does nothing" crap it sounds like she's a "corporate wife" and at the very least has raised their children, managed the household responsibilities (cleaners don't do everything), supported him in his career. Really not on to talk as if she sits on her arse doing sod all!

NOR do you know if she's completely happy with that arrangement. They may have decided it was best for the family but few people have completely happy lives.

The Facebook thing - what she did - totally normal I have NEVER seen a post that's described as from both parents.

If his wife is closer to the children than he is I'd suggest he needs to look to himself for the reasons.

You're clearly very biased and need to acknowledge that.

We are biased with those we love especially in families but you seem oblivious to the idea of him having any faults.

Original poster
Tigermoth15 · 23/04/2018 08:14

Graphista, you are making an awful lot of assumptions and of course I love him, he is my younger brother BUT I am usually the first one to tell him when he is out of order. Actually, she has never 'supported him in his career' and has never attended dinners and functions to do with his work or done anything else. They have had the same housekeeper for years and that woman is a dynamo and does everything - in fact, I would love someone like her to run my household because she is amazing! My SIL loves her children and nobody can fault her for that because she really does but somehow it never translates into things for the four of them as a family. Her days consist of shopping, coffee, gym, beauty etc. I have asked her in the past if she would like to do something even part time as I have lots of contacts that I could pass on but she has never wanted to work. I asked her to get involved with a couple of charity committees that needed people and she declined. I actually don't have a bad relationship with her but I think some OP are right about the fact that she has had all the power in the relationship and treats my brother like a vassal there to provide for her as she tries to keep up with her wealthy friends. I have made an effort to see things from both sides over the years and that is why I wanted advice on what to actually tell him not a perceived analysis of the situation and my brother's faults. I don't want to see them get divorced after such a long time together and I don't want to take sides. I think what hurt him was that she chose photos and made a montage of them but that not a single one contained a pic of them together. Personally, I think it is symptomatic of the way things have been for years but I don't want to hurt his feelings or throw fuel onto a fire.

Thanks RainbowQueen and IfYouSeeRitaMoreno - very good suggestions and I like the note of levity that you have included. Could be just the thing to break the tension! I will say that to him x

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