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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be moody about this

172 replies

HoarseMackerel · 22/04/2018 13:43

My adult son has his own place.
I brought both my children up on my own an we're close but I'm also careful to make sure I am not an annoying mother who calls and texts too much.
I pop in once a week, with him letting me know which day as he has early and late finishes and if convenient.
Sometimes, if he's not sure of his hours, I'll say to text when he knows.
Guaranteed, I won't hear from him. I used to text to remind him but stopped after a while as I felt I was chasing. We make plans for some weekends but I'm never quite sure if he will be there on time or will just generally drag his heels or try and get me to pick him up, even if it's a 20 mile round trip in the wrong direction from where we're going, even though we agreed he'd come on the train and meet at the station. It doesn't cost anymore for the forward journey for a number of destinations, so no loss to him.
Just to mention, I've done everything for my children. Helped and supported them, put them first and always say how proud I am.
My daughter was a victim of a serious crime and even though at times, I've wanted to be a panicky, over protective mother, I've gritted my teeth and made sure I have let them live their lives.
Thursday we went out for a meal (no negotiation over turning up as it was my daughter's birthday), had a lovely time.
He said he'd come over today as he knew my daughter was away but he said he would call/text before to make final plans. We had something in mind.
No call or text. I called last night. No answer. I called this morning. He eventually called me back and said he had stuff to do and I could come to him later if I wanted to. He knows I'm coming over later anyway as I'm meeting friends. So we've gone from day out to come over to me much later as you're around anyway (I'd already told him I would drop him home).
It's every single time! He messes me about, doesn't reply, doesn't answer his phone and if he does call me back, it's to mess me about some more.
His father hasn't bothered with either of the children for years and I know that they deserve better but he's got better, he's got me!
I was angry this morning at yet another let down. I went out for a walk and thought I'll see how I feel and now I feel really down and upset at this happening again.
I should probably give him a taste of his own medicine but with the dismal way his father treated him, I don't like the thought of doing this. A young adult should be able to rely on their mother but he's pushing all my buttons!

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 23/04/2018 12:34

HoarseMackerel
seriously, what do you expect?

Manners. Its not rocket science. My kids mastered them, I'm sure you probably could as well. Calling people 'stupid' is probably counterproductive if you want proper advice.

It's really not my fault

Yeah. I get the impression you think that a lot.

MirriVan · 23/04/2018 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charlestonchaplin · 23/04/2018 12:39

It's the Internet. You need to have low expectations. There's a reason why I rarely ask for advice here and when I do it's on purely factual matters. Many people won't read your posts, either at all or very well. And most of them don't care what you have to say. The responses are about people and situations in their own life.

Original poster
HoarseMackerel · 23/04/2018 12:46

Yes, I certainly agree with that charlestonchaplin

This is my thread. I find the recent comments bizarre. People trying to force you to think like them.
I've been rude on the internet to people I don't care about. It won't affect my real life in anyway.

OP posts:
Heartofglass12345 · 23/04/2018 13:04

I wonder if it's a man thing sometimes! My husband is terrible at keeping in touch with his family, it's always me asking him if he's spoken to them or asked them if they want to do something, even to check when their birthdays are!
I would just say to him, you're going to leave it in his hands from now on, if he wants to see you he can contact you, but you're not going to make all the effort anymore

Annechristmas · 23/04/2018 13:06

If you don't care about the people on the Internet then why are you asking their advice?

Totallyfugly · 23/04/2018 13:09

hoarse your son his rude and judging from your behaviour on this thread he learned from the master.

Calm down.

Totallyfugly · 23/04/2018 13:10

Your son *is rude - excuse the autocorrect

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 23/04/2018 13:25

heart not a man thing, an entitled man thing. If your husband does this, itms because he too places his time and energy above everyone else’s.

MirriVan · 23/04/2018 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eolian · 23/04/2018 13:29

But when it comes down to it, OP, there can be only one reason why your son is letting you down and backing out of arrangements : he wants to see you less often. Otherwise he wouldn't back out, would he?

He is probably making lots of arrangements to see you because that's what he thinks you want and because he'd feel guilty if he didn't. I'm sure you don't directly say to him all the "I put my life and soul into raising my kids' stuff in your OP, but that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't get that vibe from you. And yes, it's crappy of him - he should just bite the bullet and make fewer arrangements but stick to them.

The reason people misinterpreted your original post is probably that they were paying more attention to your tone than to the apparent facts. Your son may be the one asking to see you, but your manner came across as needy and guilt-inducing.

margotsdevil · 23/04/2018 13:47

I pop in once a week, with him letting me know which day as he has early and late finishes and if convenient.
Sometimes, if he's not sure of his hours, I'll say to text when he knows.
Guaranteed, I won't hear from him. I used to text to remind him but stopped after a while as I felt I was chasing.

Where here does it say that this is at his instigation? The reason so many posters are saying back off is because it reads very much as if this is your expectation and it appears that he is trying to reduce this pattern.

I speak to my mum daily (minimum) and see her regularly - I couldn't handle this! You now say this is his wishes but that was only after the first dozen or so posters told you YABU. If I were you I'd be worried about him avoiding you even more in the future!

BunnyColvin · 23/04/2018 13:47

YANBU at all OP in my opinion. He is just a rude selfish inconsiderate man, and for people like this - who don't value other people's time - well it's just a form of control of other people and attention seeking isn't it?

You wouldn't tolerate it in a friend or partner, so don't tolerate it from him. Wait until you don't feel angry with him any more, then just tell him he can make the arrangements and do the running from now on, as you're sick of being let down.

It's great that you have a good relationship with his GF. Unfortunately he'll treat her the same way until she decides there are better ways to live and better people to live with.

Also, things will change over time, for example, if you have grandkids etc. It'll be a different dynamic.

But in the meantime, don't put up with that crap Flowers

Twoo · 23/04/2018 14:07

OP Why have you posted in AIBU, when clearly you’re only interested in hearing from posters who agree with you. Surely AIBU is to obtain different perspectives.

You have been rude to quite a few posters (dons hard hat and scarpers)

HoarseMackerel · 23/04/2018 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lacucuracha · 23/04/2018 14:13

Ugh, I reported your last, ageist post. You really are a twat, OP.

Original poster
HoarseMackerel · 23/04/2018 14:25

Really?! Honestly, this is a fine example of how far some people are prepared to go to get a result in a situation that doesn't affect them in real life in any way!
Feign offence to 'win' on the internet!

OP posts:
Original poster
HoarseMackerel · 23/04/2018 14:26

If I was a mod, I'd just be wondering why you are here dissecting everything in order to claim you were offended?!

OP posts:
aaarrrggghhhh · 23/04/2018 14:36

Have read all the posts. OP you seem to be very lacking in self awareness. From what you have said and how you have behaved on this threat I imagine two things happen:

(i) you have given your son a million different passive aggressive messages about how he needs to see you - so he feels like he has to set things up to see you - but then the thought of seeing you gives him a headache so he cancels.

and then at other times I imagine

(ii) he is a young adult in his 20s who gives about two seconds thoughts to it and goes "meh" rather play computer games.

Regardless - if you don't back off I imagine there is one very big rift coming up.

Essexmummy88 · 23/04/2018 14:36

Wow. You are extremely rude, I actually hope you get no more replies as you just disregard them and insult the poster. Are you actually like this in real life? If so I’d be more concerned about seeing a doctor than your son.

Essexmummy88 · 23/04/2018 14:37

And stop with the “?!” - this may be an important big deal to you but really, we have other things going on.

Totallyfugly · 23/04/2018 14:48

“Between the harping old hags trying to argue every angle, there's some great advice”

Grin hahahhhaa!!

Op “AIBU”
Everyone “YEP”
OP (stamps foot) No IANBU you are ALL wrong. Except for the PP that agree with me. MWAH

Let’s cut to the chase here, if he liked you he’d want to spend time with you. He doesn’t. You being moody won’t change that you being less of a cunt might though

Original poster
HoarseMackerel · 23/04/2018 15:18

Ignoring the harping old hags again, my son just called. Because he needed me.
Before he launched into what the issues were, I reminded him of yesterday and we had a good conversation about it.
I repeated a number of times that he shouldn't feel obliged to invite me over as he knows full well I've got plenty of other stuff going on.
He said he'd been well and truly told off by his gf too and said we love seeing you Mum and we always have a laugh and then invited me round anyway.
I then talked him through the not particularly serious issue and he was happy.
I reiterated the fact that he doesn't have to invite/include me out of duty and he said not to be so silly as I'm a lovely mum.
If he didn't mean any of that, then he was silly to say it, so I'll take it at face value.
I'm relieved that it has been relatively easy to at least have a brief discussion about it and maybe it will make him think more.
I'm under no illusion that will be the end of it but it's better already.
Thanks to the helpful posters.
I'll leave it at that and let you quote things repeatedly that have never been said or bitch about how rude I've been to people who I don't give a tiny rats arse about!

OP posts:
Totallyfugly · 23/04/2018 15:20

^ none of this happened Grin

ButchyRestingFace · 23/04/2018 15:28

There’s an OP on another thread I’ve just posted to who sounds not entirely dissimilar to this one.

Mebbe they should meet. 💕

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