To be moody about this

[HoarseMackerel]

My adult son has his own place.
I brought both my children up on my own an we're close but I'm also careful to make sure I am not an annoying mother who calls and texts too much.
I pop in once a week, with him letting me know which day as he has early and late finishes and if convenient.
Sometimes, if he's not sure of his hours, I'll say to text when he knows.
Guaranteed, I won't hear from him. I used to text to remind him but stopped after a while as I felt I was chasing. We make plans for some weekends but I'm never quite sure if he will be there on time or will just generally drag his heels or try and get me to pick him up, even if it's a 20 mile round trip in the wrong direction from where we're going, even though we agreed he'd come on the train and meet at the station. It doesn't cost anymore for the forward journey for a number of destinations, so no loss to him.
Just to mention, I've done everything for my children. Helped and supported them, put them first and always say how proud I am.
My daughter was a victim of a serious crime and even though at times, I've wanted to be a panicky, over protective mother, I've gritted my teeth and made sure I have let them live their lives.
Thursday we went out for a meal (no negotiation over turning up as it was my daughter's birthday), had a lovely time.
He said he'd come over today as he knew my daughter was away but he said he would call/text before to make final plans. We had something in mind.
No call or text. I called last night. No answer. I called this morning. He eventually called me back and said he had stuff to do and I could come to him later if I wanted to. He knows I'm coming over later anyway as I'm meeting friends. So we've gone from day out to come over to me much later as you're around anyway (I'd already told him I would drop him home).
It's every single time! He messes me about, doesn't reply, doesn't answer his phone and if he does call me back, it's to mess me about some more.
His father hasn't bothered with either of the children for years and I know that they deserve better but he's got better, he's got me!
I was angry this morning at yet another let down. I went out for a walk and thought I'll see how I feel and now I feel really down and upset at this happening again.
I should probably give him a taste of his own medicine but with the dismal way his father treated him, I don't like the thought of doing this. A young adult should be able to rely on their mother but he's pushing all my buttons!

Op, sometimes reactions on MN are not what one would expect. There was a thread on here a while back where a 20yo man was beating up his mum and she was thinking of kicking him out. There was a pile-on with many MNers telling her 'how dare she, this was her baby' etc, and they kept referring to him as a child. Sometimes MN is very strange.

Your son does love you and wants to spend time with you, but he is taking you for granted. He's making the plans because he wants to know that you are there for him. But when the time comes he's feeling lazy or whatnot, so he doesn't bother to keep the date.

Here's the thing, because you have committed, he knows you are available for him, and that gives him the warm fuzzy feeling that his momma is there, and he doesn't need to have the meet up because he's already gotten the assurance from just booking it.

It is immature, but take heart he will eventually grow up. There were some good recommendations up thread regarding saying no or maybe but you need a confirmation call closer to the date, etc.

I hope it all works out

The fact that your children grow and leave you is simply a fact of life. They have busy and fulfilling lives, and parents, however close, no longer are the centre of their world. I would never see my now middle-aged son if I did not travel 3-4 times a year to visit; even then, I see very little of the family, because they work, have small children and many other commitments, besides living very close to his wife's family. Tricky too, because I'm still working full-time, at almost 70, have a fulfilling social and professional life, but find the physical distance difficult. I have a phone call at Christmas, a text for my birthday and no other contact unless I initiate it. I was a very good mother, and now realise that the reward for good mothering is actually independent children in adulthood.I would never utter recriminations or criticisms, but hope that one day he will recognise that he could perhaps have been a bit more proactive in communicating.

YABU and suffocating. If your tantrumming behaviour here when you don’t get your own way is indicative of your behaviour in real life, therein lies the answer as to why your son doesn’t cancel plans and instead just doesn’t turn up, because it’s easier to ignore you than have to deal with you stamping your feet yet again.

I have this with mum. I love her alot, but she is needy and tells me often that she's alone and waits for the weekend so I can be off work and spend time with her.

I see her every weekend but often I just want to relax at my home because work is so stressful. Out of guilt I tell her I'll be in for breakfast or take her out but sometimes I just don't make it. I also pop in several times a week to drop off shopping etc and it feels like alot at times after a long day at work.

I think your son may be doing something similar. Making plans out of guilt but not being able to commit.

Next time he suggests something, say once a week is clearly too much for him, and suggest a monthly dinner. If you give him space, he will enjoy seeing you more.

When seeing my mother doesn't feel like a chore, I love spending time with her.

tombstone
a phone call at Christmas, a text for my birthday and no other contact unless I initiate it

That's really poor. It's not independence but self-focus. I bet he'd refocus pretty sharpish if he needed your help.

I was a very good mother, and now realise that the reward for good mothering is actually independent children in adulthood.

@tombstoneteeth - this is so true.

Merrivan's post is spot on about the excellent hands on mothering and you have got yourself a crappy, can't be arsed bloke. I hope her post isn't deleted - its true.

You son makes arrangements, can't be arsed and plays x box instead. You saying he takes lovely girlfriend for granted is more evidence. You need to call him out on it though - a jokey 'what are you like' doesn't cut it. He is not 5.

Hells bells OP, the way you come across on this thread, I wouldn't want to spend time with you either

Yogafailure Thanks again for recycling the same old shite.
To clarify, the comments on here to posters who have obviously not read properly. What I say in real life to people I care about has no connection to what I've said here.
Not that hard, is it?!

Thanks for the more useful posts.
He does make an effort to get in touch when he wants something. That part I had established a long time ago but surely to a certain extent that is children for you, whether they are adult of child.
As a much older adult, I tend not to ask my children to help much because experience has made me need less help.
I am wary of getting into a cycle of not trusting him to keep to plans, me saying no to suggestions and then we end up never seeing each other again in some sort of stand off!

In honesty, if his relationship with his girlfriend broke down due to him taking her for granted, that would be even more tragic, as that is his future, whereas I am sort of his past as a parent. She is a very easy going girl but they haven't really got anything too pressing to deal with yet.

Yogafailure Thanks again for recycling the same old shite.
To clarify, the comments on here to posters who have obviously not read properly. What I say in real life to people I care about has no connection to what I've said here.
Not that hard, is it?!

What Yoga said wasn't nice and I appreciate that you're frustrated but even still, you have to be one of the most obnoxious, graceless posters I've seen on here in quite some time.

You are talking to people like they're your paid lackeys - they're not.

It's nigh impossible to believe that the way you've conducted yourself on this thread is entirely dissimilar to the way you conduct yourself in real-life relationships.

I was a very good mother, and now realise that the reward for good mothering is actually independent children in adulthood.

I had a great mother, and am very independent. But I also had a very close relationship with her and saw her at least once a week. If I'd moved away, I'd have emailed and called even more frequently, particularly as she got older.

Independence and maintaining contact with the people who raised you are not mutually exclusive.

I do feel for people who wish to have closer relationships with their adult children and don't (where no abuse or maltreatment has occurred).

If you love someone, set them free...

You sound really smothering and overbearing. You say he makes the plans, I suspect that's because he feels pressure (or has in the past from you texting every few days and now it's habit) rather than because he genuinely wants to hang out with you that often. Give him some space.

You just sound like fucking hard work, if I'm honest OP.

I can see why you are upset OP. Have you tried telling your son how he makes you feel when he let's you down?

TBH, you aren't coming across particular well on here. I can see some of that is because you are feeling defensive as people have largely overlooked the fact it's your son letting you down. As someone else said, if a friend did this it would be considered very disrespectful.

But, judging on the way you have reacted here, is there any chance your son may find you too demanding or difficult? A little self reflection may be needed on both sides. It seems unlikely that he would say that and actions do speak louder than words. If it were me I would take a big step back. You already see your son once a week which is more than most. Next time he suggests something just say you will agree to it on the proviso he doesn't let you down as it's hurtful and rude.

My children are 10 and 12 and when I think about them all being grown up and only seeing them once very few months I feel a little so I do empathise OP. We all know it's normal but as someone once said no one tells you when you have children that letting them go is painful.

Your responses to posters on this thread has been an extremely rapid move into defensive lashing out, aggression, criticism...

Maybe your son experiences you in the same way?

Pookie I know not everyone has a great relationship with their parents; I didn't with my Dad. His dying so young meant that we will never have the chance to hash things out now - and come to some sort of modus vivendi. I regret that.

*OP I am both the child and the parent here - I do expect my ds to call me once a month at least to provide proof of life for his allowance whilst at university, and it's nice if he calls more frequently. As we support him financially, (and he has no loans), then a little consideration is called for.

As the 'child' (at 52), I do, as I've said, sometimes get cross when Mum rings me yet again to share something from the Daily Mail! I can read! However, she's my Mum, so for the most part I put up with it. I think she will expect dh and I to become her bitches when we move back to UK next year when dh retires, but that won't be happening.

I agree with Charles above - I call my ds egotestical (it's not spelled incorrectly, think about it) at times, and I think it's true. He needs kicking at times to realise that we don't all view everything through the prism of his needs.

People repeating the same old shit which wasn't even said in the first place!
Note the repetition of what I supposedly said but not one single quote with me saying it eg. His new life (even though it was never said he had just moved out, the continual repetition assuming I was making all the arrangements, when I already had said it was what he wanted! I just agreed to go along until the messing about started.
It's really not my fault people don't read posts properly and particularly not my fault that people don't read posts properly and then attack based on what they think they read!

Thanks to the posters who added useful comments.
Please feel free to repeat previous comments over and over that don't exist!
I also don't understand why faceless people on the internet matter that much or think they know anything about your real life. The smug 'obviously you are like this in real life' comments are ridiculous! No, you want me to be like this in real life to prove you right!

No, you want me to be like this in real life to prove you right!

To be like what exactly, Hoarse?

No, I'm not aware.
Should I be?
Is weird not allowed? Are we all supposed to act exactly the same in a robot fashion?

HoarseMackerel

Yes. I have read the whole thread. From front to back properly.

I still feel YABU.

You're needy, and somewhat aggressive. I'd look to yourself before knocking other people, including your son.

I 100% realise I've been really rude but when you start to get replies totally missing the point and then you clarify again and again and the same stupid repetitive comments are repeated, seriously, what do you expect?
There are some really good points made (not always agreeing with me) that have really helped but others, Jesus wept, are beyond stupid!
Then there's the pointing out my faults comments which I couldn't care less about as they're not true and then the frustration of these people trying anything possible to make me agree with them and see the error of my ways! The comments are still stupid and are mainly by people who didn't even read the posts properly.

In my first post, some people can't even differentiate between thoughts and actions!