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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry now?

97 replies

feelinbloo · 13/05/2007 19:52

just over a week ago now, my best friends DH made a pass at me, which he got an immediatel and disgusted knock back, and i made the decision to tell my friend which i did the next morning. I felt that i just wouldnt be able to be the same around her and especially not him, and that it might be seen to him as an encouragement if i didnt. She took it well, told me things would be fine...and that was that. I heard from her about 4 days ago, saying she would come over to see me, then didnt and no calls or nothing. She is also on MSN all the time and doesnt message nor reply to mine. So i am angry now. I didnt do anything wrong, and felt horrible telling her, but i would have wanted her to do the same had it been the other way round. Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/05/2007 19:54

she's probably in a bit of a mess and needs some time to think, now it has sunk in

Nikki76 · 13/05/2007 19:54

Nope! You did exactly the right thing....imo she probably hasn't got the guts to say anything to him or boot him out over it so is probably avoiding you as a way of shutting out the problem, iyswim?

Original poster
feelinbloo · 13/05/2007 19:55

i know that, i do understand that, and feel very sorry for her, i am sure to a degree i am the last person she wants to see, but i thought years of friendship might count for something, even a text now and again, to let me know that she is okay or not okay, some kind of ackowledgement?

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fireflyfairy2 · 13/05/2007 19:56

Was he drinking at the time?

What kind of 'pass' did he make?

Are you sure it wasn't in a friendly/flirty way??

I know last week at the pub, there were 6 of us there & I was driving. I set my car keys on the table & my friends dh picked them up & give dh his... in a jokey way, as if we were swapping partners, we all laughed about it & continued the night...

I'm not sure I would have told the friend, but then I have never been in this position before really.. your friend is most likely avoiding you as she feels hurt.

lou33 · 13/05/2007 19:57

i'd guess that it's precisely because you have known her for so long that she feels so confused

Original poster
feelinbloo · 13/05/2007 19:58

it was a drunken pass, i was told he fancied me, and requested a 'little kiss' that he had been thinking and fantasising about me for ages, his life with friend was over blah blah...i am no idiot when it comes to blokes, it was genuine, with drink for the courage. Immediately after my refusal, it was then turned around by him that he would tell my mate i had come on to him etc etc.

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Original poster
feelinbloo · 13/05/2007 20:00

i am sure my friend does feel hurt, but its not my fault that her DH made a pass at me

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fireflyfairy2 · 13/05/2007 20:00

She maybe feels inadequate.

I know I would worry what was wrong with me if my dh had to make a pass at someone else.

Is it out of character for him?

Are you single?

I think I am just trying to figure out how he made a 'pass'. IE: did he say "you are beautiful" Did he try & grope you? Did he ask you to meet up with him.. everyone has different ideas & I am relatively easy going & secure enough, so I'm not sure what I would class a making a pass.

Or I just have dreadfully low morals

fireflyfairy2 · 13/05/2007 20:02

Oh sorry, cross posts

Are you single? Did he think you were leading him on?

Where was your friend when this happened?

I think I would avoid him from now on if I were you

Original poster
feelinbloo · 13/05/2007 20:04

i am married and very happily so. Her DH was a mate of my DH, we would often all go out as a foursome, and the night he made his pass, my DH went home to relieve our baby sitter as my mate wanted me to stay for another, she seemed fine, went to the toilet and didnt come back...her DH said she had passed out on the bed (a suprise to me as she didnt seem very drunk at all) then proceeded to tell me that he thought he was being set up because my mate knew that he fancied me, whilst i gawped at him for a moment, he then asked me for a little kiss...i refused, told him he needs to sort his marriage out etc, he then tried to say it was all my doing and thats what he would tell my mate if i said anything,

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Original poster
feelinbloo · 13/05/2007 20:07

i left then , went home and told my DH as we have always promised to be honest with each other, thankfully my DH knows me inside out and knows i would never do anything like that. He is also very hurt as her DH and him were very good pals also...never mind very very angry.

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fireflyfairy2 · 13/05/2007 20:08

Oh dear.

Maybe he is right & she doesn't trust him, or perhaps she doesn't trust you & was trying to see what would happen.

I'd stay away from them for a while if I were you. People who don't trust each other need to work at their relationship & not try to ruin others.

Do you think she is angry at you for telling her?

Do you want to get in touch with her?

Original poster
feelinbloo · 13/05/2007 20:10

i did want to get in touch with her, but felt i should give her some space, and that if she had anything she needed to say to me, then i was sure she would, she gave me a hug when i left, said it wasnt her fault or mine, so we would still be friends etc...i now dont want to get in touch with her really, as i am feeling pretty hurt now myself and really cant see a way forward for us, but worry that i am not being understanding enough.

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Original poster
feelinbloo · 13/05/2007 20:11

she also said she was glad i told he and would have done the same if it had been visa versa. I found it odd when i told her though, as she was very very calm, didnt get upset etc, but then she is the calm type, if it had been me i would have been going barmy (not at her but in general)

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kimi · 13/05/2007 20:16

I think it is a case of shooting the messenger, she did not like what you told her so she is taking it our on you.
My ex SIL was told by one of her closest friends that my Ex BIL was having an affair, so what did Ex SIL do? she went round telling nasty lies about her friend for telling her about BIL.
Ex BIL then went on to have 3 other affairs and leave Ex SIL as she had no respect and would never believe what her friends told her... she has no friends now either.

Original poster
feelinbloo · 13/05/2007 20:20

i dont want that for my friend and yes sometimes i think, i should not have said anything, but that would have meant phasing out our friendship as for a start my DH would never be in her DH's company again and neither would i. Perhaps it might have been kinder, but its what i chose to do and i still stand by it. i would guess though that after a week i should not be expecting a knock at my door anytime soon. The sad thing is my daughter wanders about saying her duaghters name...they were friends. and i have to tell her we cant go to see her DS.

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wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 13/05/2007 20:27

is it possible that she's confronted her dh and that he's turned it around and told her that you consented or that you made a pass at him etc?

it's difficult. yes you've been friends for a long time but presumably she's been married a long time as well? it's possible she's going through a hard time right now, and that she sees you as the cause of that hard time - even if you said no, you are still a threat to her marriage as her dh has made clear he has feelings for you.

Original poster
feelinbloo · 13/05/2007 20:30

yes wannabe i know you are right, i guess i am just having a hrad time swallowing it, her dh is likely to get off scot free, whilst my mate and i have lost a friend, my DH and our children. It really fucks me off.

it is a possibility, i have no idea what he has said to her, but presumably the fact that she was going to come over 3 days after she knew about it, meant that she wasnt thinking badly of me. I dunno. its a mess.

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wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 13/05/2007 20:35

but your dh is better off without his friendship anyway as what kind of a friend makes a pass at his mate's wife? or his wife's mate for that matter...

Why not talk to her. I think that if a friend told me something like that it would exactly be easy to start up a conversation as if nothing had happened, so she may just be feeling awkward and not know what to say.

IMO you have two options.

you either leave it and let the friendship slide, potentially needlessly, and end up in a situation where you both think the other doesn't want to continue being friends,

or you contact her and run the risk that she'll tell you to go away, but at least then you'll know for certain.

Original poster
feelinbloo · 13/05/2007 20:38

i have contacted her a few times on MSN when she logs in but havent had a reply. i guess i dont know if i want friendship anymore, this has been on my mind for over a week and i just want closure now.

OP posts:
fireflyfairy2 · 13/05/2007 20:41

Instead of contacting her on msn [when it might even be him online] draft an email, explain what you're ffeling & say you understand that she may not want your friendship anymore,

[but it's totally not your fault if she feels this way, you did nothing wrong, it was he who asked you for a kiss]

Just add that your dd misses them & hopefully she will find it in her to visit soon.

Original poster
feelinbloo · 13/05/2007 20:47

i do know its not him when she signs in as he works and she is a SAHM so its during the day. i guess i have just taken the lack of response as her way of brushing me off without having to say anything/

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Original poster
feelinbloo · 15/05/2007 09:53

well i emailed her and still no response, so i guess we are no longer friends, will be hard considering her child goes to the same playgroup and nursery as mine.

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aquasea · 15/05/2007 10:04

I think you are being a little unreasonable to be honest. Try to put yourself in her position. How would you feel? Shocked, hurt, confused...in absolute turmoil. Give her time. What is she supposed to do? Of course it isn't your fault but unfortunately it isn't that simple.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 15/05/2007 10:10

why don't you just ring her and talk to her in person? I know email/letter can sometimes be the way, but it's also an easily ignored communication medium, whereas if you ring her she will have to talk to you.