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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what the hell I do now?

94 replies

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 15:39

I’m 34 weeks pregnant and it is looking very likely that my partner is going to leave me. To make matters worse it seems he is going back to his ex.
I have just bought a house (not moved in) in my name only as he already has a mortgage with his ex and wanted to keep that so that he could provide his daughter with a home as ex works very part time. The house is about an hour away from where we live now. Not where he wanted to live but where I needed to live to get support from my family. He agreed to this. I did not just go ahead. It was a joint decision.
I can just about manage to survive financially without him but I will be truly broke. He has pretty much been living off me for the last year. He only contributes £400 a month to the household.
Massive warning signs I know but I seem to have been utterly blinded by love. I was covering over the cracks to make everything seem ok. We were so in love and right at the last minute he is freaking out and apparently looking for stability.
I want to make this work. I really do. He has issues due to childhood problems and being sent to boarding school at 4 years old. I’m not excusing him. I know he is being an utter cock. I am just utterly devasted. For me. For us and for our baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 15:41

Sorry I am rambling. I have talked to family as much as I can. This only happened last night. I feel too embarrassed to tell them the whole story so needed to get it out some how.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 20/04/2018 15:43

It may not seem like it right now but it sounds like he may be saving you a worse fate in the future, he sounds very unreliable and un trust worthy. You will be fine, the timing is terrible but make sure you lean on your friends and family for support.

flamingofridays · 20/04/2018 15:49

I think by the sounds of it you have had a lucky escape. It's good that the house is in your name, and you will be able to get by financially. I found on maternity leave I saved a bit of money because I wasn't going out and buying crap I didn't need as often etc.

as PP said make sure you use the support of your family.

I am sure you will be a fantastic mum, you sound like you have thought this through...

Aprilmightbemynewname · 20/04/2018 15:56

Don't forget cms.

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 16:03

Thank you. I know it sounds like a lucky escape. From my logical side I see that very clearly. It is just so hard when I am so in love with him and until very recently so certain about our future

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/04/2018 16:03

if he has been living off you, you might actually find you're better off! (Financially AND emotionally). Thank God house is in your name - could you sell and downsize? Would that help?

I know it is daunting and horrible but I honestly think you will be better off without him. Let the ex have him! What kind of dick does this to a heavily pregnant woman!?

EmilyGB · 20/04/2018 16:03

There are some people who are so weak they only feel comfortable when they are battening onto someone else's strength and leaving all the work, expense, responsibility and hard decisions to that person. Your maybe-future-ex sounds like that - why else would he be rushing back to his ex instead of just moving on? Are you comfortable with that dynamic in your partnership, or would you rather find a partner who can support you and let your new baby have the role of being looked after by the two of you?

Does "blinded by love" = "the sex was fantastic, but..." ? It sounds like your relationship isn't great, but you haven't lost each other yet. If he isn't the weak type I described, perhaps you are too forceful? You ended up buying a home he didn't want to live in. Is this the sticking point? Perhaps you could agree to move in a year if he's still unhappy about the location.

Stay calm and work out your best Plan A - how to improve your relationship if he stays - and Plan B - how to cope financially if he leaves.

If it does go pear-shaped and you have to cope alone, I know you will manage - and I'm sure he will still care about your child, even if he is an absentee father, just as he is obviously concerned for his daughter by his ex.

Jaxhog · 20/04/2018 16:07

It does sound like you had a narrow escape.

But what on earth possessed you to have a child with him?

jamoncrumpets · 20/04/2018 16:10

Sent to boarding school at 4?! Don't believe that, he sounds like a jerk.

dentydown · 20/04/2018 16:11

Can you live with family and rent the house out, just to give breathing space? Would that be an option?

Troels · 20/04/2018 16:11

Stop trying to fix him Seabiscuit he's not interested in you doing that from the way he's gone back to his ex. Don't let him wander back in and mess up you and the baby's lives. Cut him loose he's a loser. Lots of people have had a hard time as children, but are not users. Concentrate on you and the baby now.

Manyfridays · 20/04/2018 16:13

I would look for a lodher if the house is big enough (once baby is bornand settled) - possibly anotjer single mum ?

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 16:16

Greenfingers- we are already downsizing, going from a flash rented townhouse to a small 2 bed. I needed the stability of that as am only going to get SMA.
I don’t honestly know how he can leave me like this. I was utterly terrified of being a mother as it was and now it’s a whole different thing. Going through a break up just before I give birth. I don’t know how to cope.

OP posts:
LifeBeginsAtGin · 20/04/2018 16:17

Unfortunately having a baby isn't going to give him the stability he needs.

Sunnyshores · 20/04/2018 16:18

Youve got 6 weeks to prepare for the birth of your baby, spend it doing just that - dont waste another second on this loser. You and your baby will be fine.

Practically how about taking in a lodger (carefully chosen) or moving back to your parents for 6 months and renting the house out. Let your family help, they will be happy to do so.

Walkaboutwendy · 20/04/2018 16:20

Can you actually send a child to boarding school at 4? Doesn't sound right to me.

How old is he?

Mousefunky · 20/04/2018 16:21

It sounds like it would be a relief to be rid of him in all honesty. He sounds like an emotional and financial burden. You already have enough going on in your life without him adding to the load. If he has been sponging off you surely you would be better financially without him? Get rid and don’t look back. You can also claim maintenance once the baby is born so he can’t leave you high and dry. Good luck OP.

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 16:21

I didn’t know him well enough when I got pregnant I now realise. It wasn’t planned. We had only been together for a year.
I know I can’t fix him. It would be an impossible task.
I am so angry and hurt. I need to let it out and I don’t know how.

OP posts:
Flockoftreegulls · 20/04/2018 16:21

You will cope, you will be amazed at what a mother can do.
I'm so sorry that you have been let down by that bellend, but you will survive and one day it won't hurt any more and you will be glad that things worked out for the best

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 16:23

He is 40. Prep school then a ridiculously expensive all boys boarding school. His family story is ridiculous. His father did exactly the same to his mother as he is doing to me

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 20/04/2018 16:23

Make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to as a single person.

Try not to stress too much (I know not easy)

Aw12345 · 20/04/2018 16:23

You poor thing :-( so sorry for you. He is an absolute waste of time and space if he leaves you heavily pregnant with his child. Knob.

He'll miss out on the baby and that's his loss.

jamoncrumpets · 20/04/2018 16:24

You can't send a kid to boarding school at 4. It's bollocks.

Merryoldgoat · 20/04/2018 16:25

Why aren’t you really fucking angry, yet?

Let him go now, get maintenance sorted out and live your life.

Now you’re 34 weeks pregnant there’s no point looking back - it is what it is and you now have to ensure that you secure things for you and your child,

If he can contemplate leaving you now he is truly a piece of crap - your child’s wellbeing trumps your feelings for him. Don’t bring them into a load of shitty relationship dynamics.

Dragongirl10 · 20/04/2018 16:26

I am so sorry for you going through this op, l have to agree with other posters though he is not the man you want him to be.

A good father to be would;

work to support you so you had no money worries,
take on all other responsibilities whilst you were pregnant so you could relax,
be supportive and talk through your fears as often as you felt like.

He is doing none of those things, so l cannot see how he will be when you actually have a baby to take care of, he sounds like a child himself.

More importantly you will be fine, your fears are to be expected, l felt terrified when pregnant, yet having my Dcs has been the greatest joy (and not nearly as hard as people kept saying)

Please remember, you will get over him in time, and you can do this and do it well and be happy with your baby.

Also l second the idea of a carefully chosen lodger for tax free income and a friendly face.