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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what the hell I do now?

94 replies

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 15:39

I’m 34 weeks pregnant and it is looking very likely that my partner is going to leave me. To make matters worse it seems he is going back to his ex.
I have just bought a house (not moved in) in my name only as he already has a mortgage with his ex and wanted to keep that so that he could provide his daughter with a home as ex works very part time. The house is about an hour away from where we live now. Not where he wanted to live but where I needed to live to get support from my family. He agreed to this. I did not just go ahead. It was a joint decision.
I can just about manage to survive financially without him but I will be truly broke. He has pretty much been living off me for the last year. He only contributes £400 a month to the household.
Massive warning signs I know but I seem to have been utterly blinded by love. I was covering over the cracks to make everything seem ok. We were so in love and right at the last minute he is freaking out and apparently looking for stability.
I want to make this work. I really do. He has issues due to childhood problems and being sent to boarding school at 4 years old. I’m not excusing him. I know he is being an utter cock. I am just utterly devasted. For me. For us and for our baby.

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 20/04/2018 20:59

I already feel like I have failed her but I won’t let her down again.

You have not failed her, and you have not let her down. You will be a great mum and you will find your feet no problem once your little one is here. Yes, you're hurting now and you may do some silly things in the coming weeks, but that's normal and natural. You will be fine. I swear.

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 21:06

Thank you. I sort of know I will be fine. It’s just that I don’t want to do it. I suppose when you have a baby you don’t have a choice

OP posts:

magoria · 20/04/2018 21:10

He had stability and a family. A mortgage, a wife/partner and DC. He was bull-shitting you saying he never had that and it was what he wanted.

He is paying you the bare minimum while you contribute everything and barely staying afloat so that he can pay a mortgage else where.

It sounds great in principal that he doesn't want his DD to go without. What it means in practice is you go without while at the end of the day he and his ex will have a house paid off.

You were subbing him to clear their mortgage. Something you and maybe even your DC would have no stake in despite paying to support him while he pays for it.

It will be hard alone however don't be fooled by the things he is saying.

iamyourequal · 20/04/2018 21:13

OP you must stop beating yourself up over this. Focus on you and your baby and you will cope and get through this. The positives are you are looking forward to you baby, you have a job, you have your own house, you will have family support (I imagine they will be happy to help you even more now). He sounds of really poor character. Facts you have presented: he left ex with 2 year old; he is leaving you st 34 weeks pregnant; he has been sponging off you. OP you deserve better. Take care

Wdigin2this · 20/04/2018 21:23

I know you won't want to hear this, but....get out whilst the going's good! You know it'll never work, you know you're better off without him, so steel yourself for the immediate future and hopefully, things will turn out for the best.

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 21:33

In a way I would be better off. But honestly, I have never met anyone that I connected with so much. We used to feel like we were made for each other. The last few months have just been so stressful. I know the baby will only bring more stress but in a way I feel she will settle us.
He really isn’t as bad as all this. In a lot of ways he is utterly wonderful

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 20/04/2018 21:36

In a lot of ways he is utterly wonderful

Except that his main relationship is with his ex and not with you. He's not wonderful, he's having his cake and eat it.

SandAndSea · 20/04/2018 21:36

OP, so sorry that you're going through this.

The good news is, you've found out early on. You can now dedicate yourself to your life with your child. Your house is your own. You can live your life your way - no compromises! You can get a lodger, or not. You can look into other things too - matched betting, for example (see threads on here). You won't have to split it with him. You're near your family. You're loved and you're supported.

Give it time. You're going to be fine.

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 21:41

Idontdowindows- I get where you are coming from but he slept in our bed every night and he ate every meal with me. He has been there for me at every stage of this pregnancy until now so I would say that we had the main relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 21:42

Thank you sandandsea. I will be fine. I know that. It will just take time to work out.

OP posts:

Jamiefraserskilt · 20/04/2018 21:44

Am i the only one who sees a man losing his cashcow and sex partner to pregnancy, being asked to step up and be an adult, and running back to "mummy" for his comfort blanket?
I am so sad for you to have to deal with his guilt and cowardice when you should be looking forward to an exciting time in your life. I bet he comes back when your child gets old enough to not be too messy and complicated to deal with.
This is NOT your fault, not due to you being pushy, not due to anything you have done except believe you actually had something.
As to your family, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. At least they won't run away when things get tough.

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 21:51

Ouch. But yes, I see what you mean.
I just want normal. My happy little family.

OP posts:

DarkPeakScouter · 20/04/2018 22:06

Don’t take him back! He’s a cocklodging drain on your resources.

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 22:12

Taking him back isn’t really an option I have right now.
He is all of those things I agree but he does have a few things going for him. You would be surprised

OP posts:

Fruitcorner123 · 20/04/2018 22:24

I know the baby will only bring more stress but in a way I feel she will settle us

Many of even the strongest relationships flounder when a baby is born. If he is already abandoning ship she won't settle you.

I just want normal. My happy little family.

But you will never be able to get that again. Whatever happens he will have always done this to you in your pregnancy. Now he has done it he can never take it back.

I don't mean to be harsh but what he has done to you is despicable and no decent man would ever do this. When the rose tinted specs fall from your eyes you will see this.

And just to add you will be fine and your little girl will thrive and be happy and one day in the future you will find a partner worthy of you. She will never think badly of you, if she knows the truth in the future it will be her father who she will think badly of. You are her mummy and you haven't let her down at all. He has.

Atticusss · 20/04/2018 22:27

Hold on. Against his protest, you have insisted on a move an hour away from his daughter. Why is he getting the flack here, you've put him in an impossible situation. If he's said he's going to be living in the house he pays the mortgage at are you just assuming it's to be romantically involved with his ex or have you given him little other choice to see his daughter? Presumably he couldn't afford to pay child maintenance to you and towards your mortgage and child maintenance to his ex and towards that mortgage and then rent of his own on top of that? you should never have bought a house an hour away from his daughter, and then not realising that but saying you shouldn't have let him see his daughter even day shoes your true jealousy.

FASH84 · 20/04/2018 22:39

Ooh given the partner has seen this thread. Is Atticus the ex partner/mother of his other child.. I'm fetching the popcorn

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 22:41

Atticuss- I understand what you are saying. I had no choice but to buy where I did. I will not get maternity pay and so have no means of supporting myself. I could not have stayed in this city even if tried my very hardest. Yes we will be an hour away but that hardly stops him seeing his daughter! The plan was to have her for weekends. I know it’s not ideal for him but it was quite honestly all I could do to be able to put a roof over my daughter and I’s head. It was definitely not out of jealously or being selfish.
And if you read what I said, I said it was great that he spent so much time with his daughter and it was all the time with his ex that I shouldn’t have been ok with.
I am not a bad person. I don’t think he is a bad person either. But trust me, I was doing what I needed to do and it was something we talked about together. We looked at houses together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 22:49

Fash- I am not really sure that getting excited by a situation that is causing a lot of people a lot of misery is entirely appropriate.
It’s not as if either of us (me or his previous partner) have done anything wrong. I hold absolutely no resentment or jealously towards her at all.

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