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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what the hell I do now?

94 replies

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 15:39

I’m 34 weeks pregnant and it is looking very likely that my partner is going to leave me. To make matters worse it seems he is going back to his ex.
I have just bought a house (not moved in) in my name only as he already has a mortgage with his ex and wanted to keep that so that he could provide his daughter with a home as ex works very part time. The house is about an hour away from where we live now. Not where he wanted to live but where I needed to live to get support from my family. He agreed to this. I did not just go ahead. It was a joint decision.
I can just about manage to survive financially without him but I will be truly broke. He has pretty much been living off me for the last year. He only contributes £400 a month to the household.
Massive warning signs I know but I seem to have been utterly blinded by love. I was covering over the cracks to make everything seem ok. We were so in love and right at the last minute he is freaking out and apparently looking for stability.
I want to make this work. I really do. He has issues due to childhood problems and being sent to boarding school at 4 years old. I’m not excusing him. I know he is being an utter cock. I am just utterly devasted. For me. For us and for our baby.

OP posts:

Juells · 20/04/2018 17:31

I learned the word 'cocklodger' on mumsnet, and what a useful word it is.

Have you thought of getting a lodger to share the expenses? I know you have only two beds, but the baby will can easily be in with you for a year. I know it probably feels like the end of the world, but unfortunately pregnancy and small-babydom seems to be a signal for men to turn into massive pricks.

I'm not sure of the legal situation, but it might be that if he lived with you it would become the family home, and he'd have rights? So if he's going to piss off it's better for you to find out now. Cold comfort, I know. Have a hug.

Beeziekn33ze · 20/04/2018 17:31

Maia, that does sound likely.
OP You may be surprised how strong you feel when you put your baby first and gradually realise what an inadequate he is. So good that your family is supportive - and close by! 💐

Juells · 20/04/2018 17:33

tee hee that didn't come out quite as I intended. A female lodger, I meant, as opposed to a cocklodger.

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 17:39

I just wish I had my beautiful baby in my arms now because I know holding her would make it better. I haven't been able to stop crying for nearly 24 hours now. I hope it does not affect her. And i need to force myself to eat. I need to concentrate on her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 17:40

Cocklodger is a brilliant word! Unfortunately as soon as my bump appeared, the 'cock' ended so I didn't even get the good part!

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 20/04/2018 17:43

Hey OP, you're going to be fine. You're going to be a brilliant mama and you're building an awesome new human being right now.

You need to take your time to get over the shock and to get the practical stuff in place and that's going to take a shitload of energy that you may feel you don't have, but it's going to be ok and you're going to be fine.

QuiteChic · 20/04/2018 18:03

If you were my daughter, you wouldn't need to be embarrassed. Life is about choices, sometimes we don't make the best ones for ourselves; but as a Mum all you ever want to do is love and support. I'm sure you're Mum will just want to care for you.

OnTheRise · 20/04/2018 18:03

OP, try to stop crying. It won't help you or your baby. Every time you think about your ex and get upset, drag your focus round to your baby and how lovely it's going to be. Do it every time. Don't let yourself wallow in misery; be positive and happy. You can do this, you can.

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 18:10

Thank you. I just don't know how I am going to get through the next 4 weeks. I need to stay in this city were the only person I know is him. I feel like I have been strong for so long that all my strength is gone. I just want it to be back to the way it was. Even just this time last night when we were sitting in our garden having a BBQ. how can it change so quickly?

OP posts:

willynillypie · 20/04/2018 18:16

OP, what exactly happened? Is there ANY chance, just any, that he is having mega cold feet? Not saying this doesn't make him a wanker, but I'm not clear about what actually happened.

OnTheRise · 20/04/2018 18:16

It must seem impossible, Seabiscuit. But you can do it, you really can. Because in four weeks' time you're going to have a baby in your arms and your baby will need you to be secure and positive and strong.

Your ex has done you a big favour by showing his true colours now. It is painful, I know, but at least things will be simpler now. You will only have to worry about yourself and your baby, instead of having to cope with a feckless partner.

It's awful and sad and painful, I know. But things can only get better from now.

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 18:23

Willynilly- it is without a doubt cold feet. He is terrified but so am I! And I can’t just run away to my ex.
It’s not exactly been plain sailing since he moved in. We have really struggled finically and We both find the lack of stability we have at the moment difficult. He is worried that he is going to be homeless once I move closer to home. It is a long way for him to commute to work. I admit I put myself and my baby first with buying that house but we did both agree it was the right thing to do at the time.
We were just talking about the situation and it went further than it had done before. It wasn’t even him. It was me that said it was over. He just agreed and has continued it

OP posts:

willynillypie · 20/04/2018 18:27

Is it at all salvageable? I can understand how this went down, but perhaps in his nervousness he just kind of went along with what you said? Where is he now, and what is the chance of you having a calm and reasonable discussion?

Don't feel bad about the house btw - putting yourself and the baby first was an excellent decision, and that's why he agreed to it as well. Sometimes a longer commute is a sacrifice worth making for your family.

willynillypie · 20/04/2018 18:28

Also re the ex - can you explain a bit more about what's actually happened there? Is it possible that she is just a friend he is leaning on, or are you sure something is happening?

ConciseandNice · 20/04/2018 18:33

You will find strength you never knew you had when that baby is in your arms. It’s horrible when love goes wrong (understatement). Thank god you have a logical, intelligent mind as well as a heart. Imagine if you didn’t? You and your baby will be absolutely fine. Broke for now maybe, but that’ll get better I promise. I was in exactly the same situation. I look back and I’m amazed and my ingenuity and strength. You’ve got this woman! You have. Xx

HazelBite · 20/04/2018 18:38

I don't quite understand OP has he said he is definitely going "back" to his ex? Or is he just going there because it is "somewhere to live"
He sounds a little unstable with no sense of responsibility. It soinds as if he has had his whole life arranged for him and is reluctant to take any responsibilty for himself and his actions.
Don't be embarassed Op with your family, I'm sure they will support you all you need.

GirlsBlouse17 · 20/04/2018 18:40

Am sorry OP. How awful for you. I really feel for you. I know it seems daunting but you will find your feet without him. Ensure he pays towards his child. Not sure if you are currently working but if you are, you still accrue annual leave during maternity leave so make sure your employers pay you your holiday pay xx

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 18:43

I want to believe it is salvageable. I have asked him to take time to think about this. I am trying to arrange for us to go to counselling next week as I think we really need help to talk. He is with his daughter tonight and I don’t think either of us are ready for the calm conversation that we need.
I feel what I said for more just putting the words he was feeling into his mouth that he was too scared to say.
We cried a lot last night and he held me all night. I wrote him a letter when I could not sleep and he cried again this morning. This means a long to both of us.
He still cares a lot for his ex. I know he does. She offers the stability that he craves so badly. From what I gather it is very platonic and has been for a long time but still, she lives is the house he jointly owns and it would be very easy for him just to slip back into his old life and be safe and secure.
I am the risky option in a way. We have only been together for 2 years. I am a bit younger and a bit more spirited shall we say. I am expecting to move away from the city which he calls home to be near my family. It’s what I need and it’s finacially what we need but it is hard for him.
The house move is only meant to be temporary. I will want to move back to our city once I am back working. I just wanted to be somewhere cheaper to allow me to take a decent amount of time off for maternity leave. If I stayed here I could only take 12 weeks as housing is so much more expensive. We talked through all this but maybe I didn’t listen to what he was saying enough. He will be away from his first daughter and we would have to have her just at weekends and I know that would be hard.
I don’t think he understands that by buying the house I was trying to give him the stability that he wants so badly. I was trying to give him the family that he feels he has never had. It’s what he said he wanted.

OP posts:

willynillypie · 20/04/2018 18:45

OP am going to send you a PM

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 18:45

Hazel- he is going back there for somewhere to live but I think he is going back for the life and the comfort.
We cannot have that comfort and stability here as every single penny of my wages goes towards keeping us afloat and even then it is only just. We have not created a home here. We are just surviving.

OP posts:

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 20:46

He has read this thread. He agrees with everything that has been said about him

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 20/04/2018 20:49

We have not created a home here. We are just surviving.

Of course you haven't. He has a home with his ex and his daughter. He never cut the ties.

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 20:51

I know he hasn’t. That is why i am hurting so much. You don’t realise some things until it all blows up in your face

OP posts:

Idontdowindows · 20/04/2018 20:52

It is not salvageable until he cuts the ties. And I will venture that he is not willing to do that.

Concentrate on your baby. You and your little one will be better off without a man that cannot be arsed to make you his priority.

Original poster

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 20:56

I will concentrate on my baby. It is not her fault this has happened. I already feel like I have failed her but I won’t let her down again.
I wish I could force him to cut ties. I was actually fine with the idea that he could be friends with his ex. I think that is healthy and good for his daughter. But the idea of them living together is not only ludicrous but extremely painful

OP posts:

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