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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what the hell I do now?

94 replies

Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 15:39

I’m 34 weeks pregnant and it is looking very likely that my partner is going to leave me. To make matters worse it seems he is going back to his ex.
I have just bought a house (not moved in) in my name only as he already has a mortgage with his ex and wanted to keep that so that he could provide his daughter with a home as ex works very part time. The house is about an hour away from where we live now. Not where he wanted to live but where I needed to live to get support from my family. He agreed to this. I did not just go ahead. It was a joint decision.
I can just about manage to survive financially without him but I will be truly broke. He has pretty much been living off me for the last year. He only contributes £400 a month to the household.
Massive warning signs I know but I seem to have been utterly blinded by love. I was covering over the cracks to make everything seem ok. We were so in love and right at the last minute he is freaking out and apparently looking for stability.
I want to make this work. I really do. He has issues due to childhood problems and being sent to boarding school at 4 years old. I’m not excusing him. I know he is being an utter cock. I am just utterly devasted. For me. For us and for our baby.

OP posts:
OpenthePickles · 20/04/2018 16:27

What a rat he is. What's the story with his DD, did he do the same to his ex when she was pregnant?

I know it feels shit right now but I swear you'll be fine. Once baby is born you'll get into your own routine, don't let him come in and out and keep messing everything up for you.

OpenthePickles · 20/04/2018 16:28

Why aren’t you really fucking angry, yet?

OP is probably still at the shocked stage. It took me weeks to get to the anger stage.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/04/2018 16:32

Let this knob go (though put in for child maintenance) and if he shows any sign of taking an interest in the baby, manage all visits on your terms, putting the baby first.
Don't allow the cocklodger to mess you about, or take up your time and energy by hinting that he might choose you, if you're prepared to indulge, adore and obey him - you don't need him. The last thing you want is to have to worry about whether you can 'keep' a man like this, who will undoubtedly try to play you and his other/ex GF off against one another (you might, later on, want to see if you can make a friend of her so your baby can build a relationship with his/her half-sibling.)

Troels · 20/04/2018 16:37

You used to be able to send kids to boarding school that young back in the 70's and probably the early 80's too, seeing he's 40 he may well have been so young going to boarding school. Now days the local one to us makes you wait to board till age 11.

Mivery · 20/04/2018 16:41

I think he's ultimately saving you more hurt later OP. He sounds like an unreliable mooch, and honestly? You and your child do not need him. It will be tough, but it would be worse with him as an anchor around your neck. You'll have support from your family and you will come out stronger for it!

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 16:43

I don't really want to take on a lodger as the house is really too small for that. I have one just now to help with costs and works well in a bigger house but we would be on top of each other in the new house

OP posts:
happypoobum · 20/04/2018 16:45

Does this wankbadger work? You will be entitled to 15% of his net pay minimum through CMS.

Don't worry, just take one day at a time and concentrate on yourself and the baby. Get all the help you can from your family and don't be afraid to tell them the whole truth. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. Flowers

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 16:50

He left his ex when his daughter was 2. I know. Another warning sign. He is actually a great dad to her though. Really really great and sees her 6 days a week. Of course that means he sees his ex 6 days a week but I accepted. Now i see that was a mistake

OP posts:
MaiaRindell · 20/04/2018 16:50

Start as you mean to go on. Be the strong single mum you can be. Take charge, make a plan and let him go. Skint is better than unhappy, unsure or disrespected.

MaiaRindell · 20/04/2018 16:51

It was not a mistake to accept him seeing his daughter six days a week - it was the right things to do. You didn't make this or allow to happen. He is solely responsible.

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 16:52

He does work. CMS will be able to feed us while I am off on maternity leave.
My family have already supported me. I just feel so embarrassed to have allowed them all to meet him. I am embarrassed by everything actually. That is my overwhelming emotion right now

OP posts:
LakieLady · 20/04/2018 16:54

Sorry to hear You're going through this. He sounds like a total shit. You must be so shocked and hurt.

From the financial side of things, it might be worth seeing if you would be entitled to any tax credits (entitled to website has a good calculator). That could make a significant difference. Claim your 25% single occupier council tax discount now, that'll shave a bit off your outgoings. I know child benefit is only just over £20 a week, but that's a grand over a year. And if the ex isn't prepared to pay maintenance, go via the CMS. Maintenance doesn't affect any benefit entitlement.

I know the house is small, but renting out a room is a good way of earning a bit extra in the short term. It's tax free as long as you don't bring in more than (I think) £7.5k a year.

I really hope your family will be able to support you, emotionally as well as practically.

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 16:54

MaiaRindell- I more meant that it was a mistake to think that him seeing his ex 6 days a week was nothing to worry about. It clearly was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 16:55

Thank you everyone for all of your support

OP posts:
FellOutOfBed2wice · 20/04/2018 16:55

Agree with previous posters saying this will probably be a blessing in disguise. I had a long and quite terrible relationship with a man who flip flopped between me and the ex and who blamed his poor behaviour on the behaviour of his mother thirty years previously. I don’t miss him! I’m sorry that you’re pregnant by him but I think it’ll be doing you and your child a favour if he goes back to his ex: this bullshit gets very old very fast.

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 17:01

One thing that is really bothering me is how I am ever going to explain the situation to my child? What will she think of me knowing that her dad left me and went back to his ex after me?

OP posts:
SossidgeRoll · 20/04/2018 17:07

It's not you. It's him.

Beaverhausen · 20/04/2018 17:10

Hi OP as everybody has said, very lucky escape.

I know it seems daunting now but you can do this and think about you will not have a petulant man child to deal with too. you can spend all your time with your child and just enjoy motherhood.

Once you have had baby, see if you can find some childcare, family members etc if not there are some wonderful creches out there plus with free childcare hours I am sure you can make it work.

Remember you are not alone a lot of us have done it on our own and made it out the other end.

It is frightening and when you hold that baby in your arms for the first time you first thoughts will be "what on earth do i do now". i was so scared I was going to break her, my baby handbook became my best friend.

But you need to get rid of him, set child support with CSA up and make the little boy pay. Do not fall for any crap he might throw your way and please do not think every child needs its father. Mine did fine for 6 years until the perfect father figure for her came a long.

The only thing you need to worry about now is whether or not you are going to stick with gas and air or have an epidural. Take the epidural and dont be a shero! :)

BettyBaggins · 20/04/2018 17:10

She will think worse of her Dad.

OnTheRise · 20/04/2018 17:11

Seabiscuit, you've done nothing wrong at all. And you don't have to worry about how you'll explain this to your child; you have years ahead to prepare for that.

All you have to do now is wish him well and send him on his way, and then focus on preparing for your lovely little baby who is going to be so wonderful you'll soon wonder how you managed without him or her (yes, that's a romanticised view of it all but still). Make sure you're as ready as you can be. Get all the help you can from your friends and family. Don't be embarrassed about any of this: it's not your fault he's feckless. Just be strong for yourself and your baby. All will be well.

(Could you rent your house out and rent somewhere cheaper perhaps? Just wondering. It might help you financially.)

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 17:11

I am seriously tempted to send a link to this thread to him. I don't think he quite grasps what he has done

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/04/2018 17:11

You will probably have very little 'explaining' to do as it's a situation she will have grown up with, so her Normal

Original poster
Seabiscuit1 · 20/04/2018 17:16

Thank you. You are all being so supportive and it is exactly what I needed. I wasn't able to go into work today as I was in a right state and really annoyed at myself because I wasn't feeling strong enough to go to my antenatal class either.

I got a really good deal on my mortgage so I think staying put is the best option for now. I can just about afford it and don't worry, he will be contributing!

OP posts:
MaiaRindell · 20/04/2018 17:22

@Seabiscuit1 I would doubt that, by the time your baby is old enough to need an explanation, her dad will be with his ex. He will be trying to get back with you or seeing someone else long before then.

Cornishclio · 20/04/2018 17:26

I think you have had a lucky escape too although you probably don't see it like that. He sounds like he has real problems committing and although he may be a great dad to his current daughter he was not there at the beginning supporting his ex and he will not be supporting you either. That is not a great dad.

Concentrate on your health and preparing for this pregnancy and sort out where you will be financially. At least you have a roof over your head and you have a supportive family. You and your baby will be fine.

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