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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS escorted home by the police - WTF?

245 replies

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2018 17:24

He's 13 and a half. He hadn't done anything wrong (as they were at pains to assure me) but someone 'reported that he seemed to be lost and potentially vulnerable', so they had asked him where he lived, brought him home, asked for my name and phone number...

It's 5pm, on a lovely sunny afternoon. DS was coming home from school. He said he had been chatting to someone about trains and train stations (he is a transport nut) - and now this? WTF? I did say to the police that he likes transport and likes to watch the trams. I am not going to insist he stays indoors all the time - why should I?

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 20/04/2018 09:43

Which is what you should have done at 5pm yesterday 🙄

WorraLiberty · 20/04/2018 09:48

Yep! ^^

Foxysoxy10 · 20/04/2018 09:53

I think phoning was the right thing to do.

If it was me I would also be gently talking to my son and working out if he 1. Felt uneasy on his own and asked for help but doesn’t want to admit it
2.speaking with his school to see if there maybe any issues or could they keep an eye on his ‘friends’ and gently coaxing son on how he is doing with friendships etc

  1. Making in very clear he can tell me/talk to me about anything and I wouldn’t be at all disappointed if he wanted some company travelling for a while.
  2. Maybe getting out and about with DS and watching how he interacts with others to see if maybe he is being a little pushy or finding interactions and body language more difficult to read as he has got older?
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 20/04/2018 10:04

fuzzyduck most children go to and from school by themselves at secondary school age. DD 10 already walks home from the playscheme if DS 6 isn't with her, and from after school clubs.

ittakes2 · 20/04/2018 10:25

The police are super busy - if they have taken an interest in your son then it must be for a reason. I would be pleased that they were looking out for him if he was my son. Both my dad and my son have ASD - my dad has more symptoms and is less aware of other people's body language. According to the ASD websites I have read - people with ASD are at more risk from people with ill intent as they do not always read the signs they are being taken advantage of. Maybe the person he was talking to is known by the police which is why this all happened.

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 20/04/2018 13:54

Well done to the police!

justabunchofbunting · 20/04/2018 14:01

BTP can be a bit over the top but I suppose they have good reason to be. My friend got escorted out of the station by them when he was 17! Because he was 'hanging around suspiciously'... he was just waiting for someone! I suppose its better to be safe than sorry. They will very quickly come down on anything they think is odd behaviour. Far more so than regular police who would just leave it alone.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/04/2018 14:55

Op's ds wasn't hanging around suspiciously, he was in a group of other schoolboys. I'd be very concerned as to what made my child so "visible", that he was essentially picked out of a crowd as being in need of rescuing.
But it's possible op knows why, since she seems unconcerned as to why they did it, only enraged that they did.

Original poster
ReanimatedSGB · 20/04/2018 15:11

The only explanation that makes any sense is that BTP 'have to respond' when a member of the public tells them something is happening - and an officious/ignorant/mischevious adult decided to tell them my DS was lost and confused. Which he wasn't. there is no way he would have been 'lost and confused' on his way home from school.

I'm not particularly angry with the individual officers, who were perfectly civil to me - though I'm not impressed that they refused to take DS' word for it that he was almost home, knew where he was and where he was going and did not need any assistance. It's the meddling passer by whose behaviour (going by the accounts of both DS and the police) I am annoyed about.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/04/2018 15:40

You have one take on this.yours.and you’ve built a whole conspiracy theory to support it

Officious dick heads
Meddling public
Don’t trust an authority figure
Etc etc..

You’ve constructed a whole big narrative of how wronged your son has been
Nothing will disavow you of your conspiracy theories,no doubt you’ll have a sassy comeback quip

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/04/2018 15:47

You have no idea what the "meddler" saved your son from, op. Possibly nothing very much, possibly some not particularly nice treatment from his peers.
If they refused to accept a 13 year old telling them he knew where he lived (how did that question even arise, he must have appeared quite confused?) and insisted on walking him home, there will be a good reason for that.
They don't take every meddler's word as gospel, if your ds seemed ok they'd have moved on.

Springnowplease · 20/04/2018 16:05

You really are hard work, aren't you, OP?

Most of us think you're wrong. You are being illogical. You need to consider that your DS did have problem with his "friends" witnessed by an adult. It's the only logical explanation - but you're too full of self importance to consider that.

BoomBoomsCousin · 20/04/2018 16:14

You need to consider that your DS did have problem with his "friends" witnessed by an adult. It's the only logical explanation - but you're too full of self importance to consider that.

This isn't a logical explanation if no account of DS "having a problem" was reported to the OP.

This is simply another example of AIBU's ridiculously common habit of reading whatever the fuck it likes into a situation in order to make almost everything that comes before it into the OP's responsibility.

Dushenka · 20/04/2018 16:16

OK you've answered your own question: DS said the man was odd; very likely the police knew the man and that he was an undesirable. And they did the right thing in intervening. The man appears to have targeted your DS: why? The police will not tell you what they know about the man due to privacy laws.

Original poster
ReanimatedSGB · 20/04/2018 16:41

By the time the police spoke to DS, the other kids had left the tram, so they weren't 'bullying' him (if this had been happening at all in the first place). The adult, who DS says appeared a bit odd, did not come back and bother DS, he seems to have reported something to the police, who then asked DS if he was all right and knew where he was going - and then they refused to believe him. DS doesn't present as 'confused'. And he certainly isn't going to be confused or bewildered by anything to do with public transport, least of all on his normal journey home from school.

What I don't get is why some people are so determined to believe that my kid must have a) been doing something wrong or b) have something wrong with him so he can't just travel on public transport in peace, despite the fact that he's been doing so for nearly two years.

And have none of you ever, ever had someone insist on overruling your wishes and 'helping' you because they decided you needed them to do so, despite your protests?

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 20/04/2018 16:45

Genuinely, no. I have never once had someone insist on helping me despite my protests.

Especially a policeman, who has plenty to be doing.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 20/04/2018 16:48

No. Never. Very few people have, I'd imagine.

ittakes2 · 20/04/2018 17:11

OP you sound like you are very very angry - and you are very focused on what you think is the issue and you are not listening to what others are saying.
I could be wrong, but having an ASD kid myself - I suspect you are used to having to fight hard against prejudice for his needs and prejudice against him. You have probably also worked very hard to make him as independent as possible and the police challenging this ability is hitting a raw nerve in you. And that is of course understandable, but you are so emotional about feeling your son has been treated unfairly due to his autism that you are not nescessarily looking at this rationally and in an unbiased way.
You just posted that people are so determined to believe that your that kid must have a) been doing something wrong or b) have something wrong with him so he can't just travel on public transport in peace, despite the fact that he's been doing so for nearly two years.
Lots of people have not said anything like that. They have said maybe its the police's duty, maybe there was something sinister about the adult he was speaking to or the situation.
You weren't even there and you are adamant that you know exactly what happened based on your knowledge of your son and his friends.
Life is not like that - you weren't there - you won't ever know what really happened.
In my experience, I think its incredibly rare for a member of the public to speak to the police because they are worried about a vulnerable child.
I don't think it has anything to do with your son's autism - autism or not - your son is still very young. If he was an adult and the police still insisted on helping him that is one thing - but he's 13 and the police have no previous experience of him to determine if he is capable of making that decision. If they had left him and something unfortunately had happened - they would be held responsible and rightly so.
As you know - all autism is very different. My dad gets obsessed with talking to strangers and unfortunately talks at them rather than to them about his obsessive topics. He's harmless, but if he is irrating someone who is about to thump him one than he would not realise it.
My ASD son doesn't do this at all - but for my son its like he struggles with common sense. He's bright enough to go to grammar school...but not aware enough of basic road rules so he's not at the point of being able to walk to school by himself yet.
My daughter is NT but for me it would have made no difference if it was my daughter or my ASD son the police brought home - I would be feeling pleased that I live in a society where a complete stranger felt strongly enough about my child's safety they involved the police and the police took the time to make sure my kid was OK.
Your son seems to be doing brilliantly - you have done a fantastic job of getting him to a place where he has this level of independence that I can only dream might be possible for my son one day. Give him a cuddle (if he likes that sort of thing - my son is obsessed with being cuddled) and tell him how proud you are of him and put this day behind you.

SubtitlesOn · 20/04/2018 17:23

I think it was that the "someone" was a person of interest to the police

Perhaps he was under parol and not allowed to interact or talk to children as a condition of his parol iyswim

The police were trying to help/protect your DS, which IMHO is a very good thing that they are looking out for children and young people

dustyparadeground · 20/04/2018 17:24

Probably a bit of reverse thinking by the Police. That is, if we don't intervene and something DOES happen, how will that look? IYSWIM

BoomBoomsCousin · 20/04/2018 17:47

^I think it was that the "someone" was a person of interest to the police.
Perhaps he was under parol and not allowed to interact or talk to children as a condition of his parol iyswim. The police were trying to help/protect your DS, which IMHO is a very good thing that they are looking out for children and young people.^

God help the police service is this was actually the reasoning. How are they helping SGB's DS, or all the other people this person could take an interest in by leaving the tram where that someone is and following a perfectly OK teenager home? That would be sheer stupidity.

Original poster
ReanimatedSGB · 20/04/2018 18:12

Well, I am able-bodied and NT, and not even particularly petite, but I have had people try to insist on carrying bags for me when I don't want them to. I have often had to tell men to fuck off when they won't take a 'polite' refusal of their offer to walk me home (when they are complete strangers who are probably more dangerous than other random men who are not interested in me at all).

I have also had community police officers stop me and bother me when I was doing nothing wrong, so I don't automatically regard them all as heroes and saviours.

And finally, FFS - 'the majority of people don't agree with you.' That means nothing whatsoever, because majorities are often wrong, whether through lack of facts or just lazy thinking.

OP posts:
minimalpatience · 20/04/2018 18:21

Yes you're annoyed, but you can't alter what was or wasn't said by a stranger who may have been odd.

If police had ignored and your son had needed help people would be up in

Be glad your son is home safe and sound.

minimalpatience · 20/04/2018 18:22

*up in arms

TawnyPort · 20/04/2018 18:35

You seem to have an awful lot of people trying to help, and serial police involvement. Much more than the average person. Maybe you should consider why that is?