DH thinks I should do the majority of the housework as I'm home more.

[Wecandothisthing]

I work 39 hours per week, DH works 40 hours per week however, due to our working patterns I do have more time on my own at home and at home with the kids.

DH is generally sensible and does his fair share, but we can't see eye-to-eye on this issue.

E.g. I think, if the third load of washing that day finishes after he's got home from work he should do it as I've been keeping the house/kids all day and have less 'rest time' in the evenings. However, he may have a point that I should have done everything during the day. Who is unreasonable?

My working pattern: 8pm - 9am Fri - Sun nights = 39 hours. Stressful job. It's common in my line of work to not get a break or to have your break cut short. 30 minute commute each way.

DH working pattern 9:30am - 6:30pm Monday and Tuesday with an hour long lunch (on Mondays we swap preschool DD half way along his commute to work and my commute from), Weds 9-5 and Thursday and Friday 9am - 3:15pm - half an hour lunch on each of these days.

Preschool DD goes to school nursery 3 hours on Tuesday mornings and school hours Friday.

So, technically I have Monday - Friday at home (with no kids while preschool DD is at nursery) and DH is at work all week and has the kids by himself on the weekend while I sleep. However, I find it hard to do all the housework/washing/DIY/shopping/cooking in that time plus ferrying DD's to school and extra-curricular activities without feeling drained.

Thank you for all the replies. It's interesting reading the differences of opinion on this thread as it pretty much sums up the back and forth between DH and I.

We have a little family time on Saturday/Sunday if I wake up early and I always put the kids to bed as I feel guilty for missing their weekend.

They're 6 and 3. Both good sleepers 7pm - 8am.

You work nights. Have you read the studies on what working nights does to your body and your health?

He needs to do more. It needs to be 50/50.

Forget all this counting the hours bollocks.

Does he eat and drink at home?
Does he shit and piss at home?
Does he bathe at home?
Does he wear clothing and use towels?
Does he sleep on the bedding?
Did his penis contribute to the creation of those children in need of care?

Answer yes to all those and he does his fucking share of the housework. If he has time to make dirt and mess in the home, he has time to help clean it. Twisting the argument by counting work hours and over one poxy hour at that, the lazy manipulative bastard. Don't you buy it, he just wants you to do all the dirty work.

Friday your time without kids is dedicated to sleep. Tuesday morning... gosh, 3 whole hours. And are you properly back on days by that point? You don't have much extra time to yourself, he should help when you're feeling drained.

Three long nights must be hard going! And wouldn't it be more helpful for the nursery morning to be Monday instead/as well?

His work pattern is quite nice. Yours not so much.

Shift work gives rise to huge health risks. Sleep is paramount.

If he cares about you he should regard your rest - and (equal) leisure - as a top priority. But he’s more concerned to hand over some of his share too you. Selfish.

Who does the “mental load” stuff? Bet that’s all you.

It doesn't matter that your week is compressed, you work near enough the same hours as makes no difference. Plus you do long nights and that's awful. He obviously works hard too, but he doesn't work harder than you just because he has more sociable and evenly distributed hours.

If you're both working full time whilst you also have young children, realistically there is going to be very little free time to be had. Especially if one of you is on shifts. An equitable balance is still not going to look like much time off. Them's the breaks.

However, you still both need to sleep. You cannot be expected to do housework during your sleeping time.

I do the majority of the mental load stuff.

Before this work pattern, we seemed better at not pissing each other off.

I do see his point of view as it would be amazing if I managed to do all the housework/washing etc in the 3 hours youngest DD is at nursery on Tuesday morning or while looking after just 1 DD during school hours Weds & Thursday. After school is usually pretty busy with extra-curricular activities and/or homework.

If I managed that then, when he gets home we could have down time together when the kids are in bed.

My two problems with managing this are:

1. The mess/jobs just constantly pile up, so even if I tidy like crazy on Tuesday morning, it looks like a shit tip by bedtime.
2. I'm often shattered on Monday and Tuesday. I usually manage about 4 broken hours of sleep on Friday, then 6 hours Saturday and Sunday, then a one hour nap on Monday afternoon. Very little of anything other than playing with the DD's and cooking happens on Monday so I feel 'behind' on Tuesday and have a 'hungover' feeling.

My current shift pattern is until August, then we'll be having a rethink as my current contract will be at an end.

The suggestion of a cleaner might really help. Thank you.

DH has read this thread and says he can see my point of view, but is feeling overwhelmed with work all week then kids all weekend alone and I do understand that feeling.

I think you're both getting a rough deal to be honest. He works full time in the week then looks after the kids by himself all weekend, I would find that pretty exhausting to be honest. You work weekend nights and look after kids in the week, which I've done myself and so I know full well it's exhausting!
I can see why the housework is an issue because neither of you gets any down time and so you're both feeling hard done by for different reasons. I can't see a way to resolve the issue unless one of you reduces your working hours (meaning that person is able to take on the lions share of the house work) or you pay for additional childcare enabling you to work during the week, which means it's easier to catch up on chores at the weekend due to both parents being at home. Both those options would mean a reduction in your income but if it's possible it may take the pressure of both of you and would mean more family time.

I totally see why your DH is overwhelmed. You have two children and two full time jobs. As I said before, what that translates too is not a lot of time off for anyone, especially with the shift work. You still need enough rest though, and that's non-negotiable.

I agree it's a good idea to think carefully about whether this shift pattern is sustainable in the long run.

wecan what your discribing is just life, love.

If you don’t want to do it - don’t do it.

Don’t do three loads a day just do two and let him catch up on the weekend. You do actually get more time than him

As a family set up, you’re basically trading more income (you working weekends and him working weekdays) with reduced childcare costs (you cover the week when he is working and he covers the weekend when you are working).

Neither of you have much down time and as a family you don’t have much family time (all 4 of you together).

So you either need to use some of your income to outsource work (cleaner). Or you balance the trade off between your income and childcare costs, by either of you working less, or you both working at the same time with your DC in childcare.

The way you’re managing it is great from a financial point of view, not so great for your relationship / family. Unless you accept that permanent exhaustion and bickering about jobs comes with the set up you have.

Why don't you both sit down together, with a full hour by hour 24/7 timetable and fill it in?
Make sure you both put in your hours of work including travel time, and the time that you need to sleep (something will eventually 'give' for one or both of you if you don't have enough rest).
From there look at what's left - family time, time to do housework, and also time to spend as a couple.
Is it sustainable? Do you have any down time - just the two of you?
You may both be able to cope just now, but you really need t look at the long-term picture too.
I really hope you can work it out - it sounds exhausting to me.

I can kind of see his point to be honest. I certainly don't think you should be doing it all, but I can see why he thinks you should be doing slightly more. The main difference is that you have some hours off work with children at school/nursery and he doesn't. His non- work days at the weekend he also has sole care of the kids. On the other hand, it's not just the hours - working nights like you do must be exhausting. So jt's hard to compare really.

I think the set up is hard on both of you. If you can possibly afford it I'd consider getting extra help. Or dropping some hours.

I agree that the set up must be very tiring for both of you although I think you are probably more tired due to the irregular sleep patterns. Ultimately I don't think what you are doing at the moment will work unless you get help with housework, at least until all your children are at school.

But those of you saying all the weekdays are he rest/sleeping time. That's not really right is it? The 3/4 days round the night shifts might be. But the rest are her weekend. In which she has more child free time than he does.

Can you drop some laundry off at the launderette for them to do, if that is the biggest part of the struggle? We did that for a while when we were really really struggling. They even dropped it off for us and one of those giant blue Ikea bags full of laundry only cost £20 or so to be done.

I don’t think you can look at this as a straight hour for hour thing given the night shifts.

It’s clear to me that you’ve tiny childcare costs at the expense of more family time/an easier life, that’s ok but both of you need to find ways to give each other breaks.

Could you afford a babysitter so DH has a weekend afternoon off and a cleaner every couple of weeks to do the tough stuff?

I clean A LOT but with 2 dc, it never stays clean or tidy for 30 mins :) sometimes you have to just be kind and accept nobody has a show home with small dc and 2 ft jobs.

The way I got DH to understand nights, and that I needed to sleep, during the day was waiting til he’d settled down for the night, say around 10 pm, then waking him up at 1am/2am, and saying he had to stay awake and functional for at least 8 more hours (including childcare, housework and taxiing kids places) he never moaned at me sleeping in the day again. You need to factor in adequate sleep OP, nights are hellish enough, don’t go through your life knackered and half asleep just to keep your husband quiet - you should have roughly equal down time (including sleeping hours) each week.

OP, do you really need to work three nights? Could you drop at least one? You must be exhausted. This will take its toll on you over time.
He only works 9-3 on Thursdays and Fridays - very short days. But I guess the weekends can be quite relentless for him.
Not sure what to suggest except to get a cleaner?

Having done a similar job for many years when our two DC were young, you have my sympathy. You need to find a compromise and get him to take ownership of some of the chores, or pay for domestic help.

Our kids will say to this day, that DH spent most of the time he was "looking after" them on the sofa watching TV. All he could see was that he couldn't go out at the weekend and had to "babysit", although it was often pointed out that I could not go out a weekends either as I had to be at work.

At one point when the children were really young, I had to study at uni part-time and was really pushed for time. I found an ironing business who agreed to collect our freshly laundered stuff and bring it back ironed and folded or on coat hangers. This happened once, DH went mad saying we could not afford this. We had a standoff when I told him I would work on days instead and pay for childcare, which would cost much more money. Giving up work was never an affordable option.

In the end we compromised. I worked more nights during the week, so he could go fishing for one full day most weekends. In return he agreed to do all the ironing, if I could make sure it was ready for him at the weekend. He agreed to take the kids to school, if needed, but I had to be up at 2.45 pm to collect from school and got little sleep as a result. After a run of night shifts, I used to fall asleep on the sofa as soon as the kids went to bed every night and he realised how tiring it was for me, which made him more considerate. Thank goodness they are now grown up.