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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I should do the majority of the housework as I'm home more.

96 replies

Wecandothisthing · 19/04/2018 16:28

I work 39 hours per week, DH works 40 hours per week however, due to our working patterns I do have more time on my own at home and at home with the kids.

DH is generally sensible and does his fair share, but we can't see eye-to-eye on this issue.

E.g. I think, if the third load of washing that day finishes after he's got home from work he should do it as I've been keeping the house/kids all day and have less 'rest time' in the evenings. However, he may have a point that I should have done everything during the day. Who is unreasonable?

My working pattern: 8pm - 9am Fri - Sun nights = 39 hours. Stressful job. It's common in my line of work to not get a break or to have your break cut short. 30 minute commute each way.

DH working pattern 9:30am - 6:30pm Monday and Tuesday with an hour long lunch (on Mondays we swap preschool DD half way along his commute to work and my commute from), Weds 9-5 and Thursday and Friday 9am - 3:15pm - half an hour lunch on each of these days.

Preschool DD goes to school nursery 3 hours on Tuesday mornings and school hours Friday.

So, technically I have Monday - Friday at home (with no kids while preschool DD is at nursery) and DH is at work all week and has the kids by himself on the weekend while I sleep. However, I find it hard to do all the housework/washing/DIY/shopping/cooking in that time plus ferrying DD's to school and extra-curricular activities without feeling drained.

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 19/04/2018 16:32

When do you sleep?! Unless DH is doing laundry in the early hours, I'm not convinced you should feel bad about not doing it in the middle of the day.

honeysucklejasmine · 19/04/2018 16:32

Doh. Ignore me, misread your shift pattern.

Original poster
Wecandothisthing · 19/04/2018 16:33

Should have said, DD's commute is also 30 mins but, as I do my hours over 3 nights rather than 5 days he spends 2 hours more than me commuting.

OP posts:
RedTulip86 · 19/04/2018 16:33

When do you sleep?

honeysucklejasmine · 19/04/2018 16:34

You have roughly that same amount of work time. You need to also have roughly the same amount of rest time, even if yours occurs when people traditionally are at work.

You being asleep over the weekend does not count as rest time, unless every night counts as his.

RedTulip86 · 19/04/2018 16:35

As PP ignore the question. How much do you sleep when your DH has the kids and is it enough?

Original poster
Wecandothisthing · 19/04/2018 16:37

*DH, not DD in that last comment.

Around my shifts I sleep as much as I can when both DDs are at school/nursery on Friday, I sleep Saturday and Sunday days while DH has the kids and then get a short afternoon nap in on Mondays when DD2 sleeps.

I think this situation is just feeling worse atm as I've just had 2 weeks with the kids at home over Easter - DH had one Friday off work so I could sleep.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 19/04/2018 16:38

Nights totally messes with your system so really you have Wednesday and Thursday properly off (cant count Friday as you are at work that night and Mondays and Tuesdays are revovery from swapping nights to days.

How much sleep do you get pre shift Friday and post shift monday?

expatinscotland · 19/04/2018 16:38

'However, I find it hard to do all the housework/washing/DIY/shopping/cooking in that time plus ferrying DD's to school and extra-curricular activities without feeling drained.'

In other words, he wants you to do it all. Nah, fuck that. He's full of shit.

NoSquirrels · 19/04/2018 16:39

How much housework does he get done over the weekend when he has the kids?

Trinity66 · 19/04/2018 16:41

I don't like the fact that he's arguing that you should do more than him tbh

KT63 · 19/04/2018 16:41

@expatinscotland as usual you’ve nailed it.

Original poster
Wecandothisthing · 19/04/2018 16:42

In other words, he wants you to do it all. Nah, fuck that. He's full of shit.

You see, this is what I originally said, but then I couldn't get round the fact that I am home all week, sometimes without kids and he's always either at work or with kids.

OP posts:
Trialsmum · 19/04/2018 16:42

Does your dh do everything at the weekends? And I mean everything; cleaning, washing, cooking not just ‘having the kids’? If so HINBU, but if he leaves all the shit jobs til Monday then he absolutely is BU.

KT63 · 19/04/2018 16:43

@Wecandothisthing he’s got you convinced he’s right.
Bottom line is, you work 1 hour less per week but are supposed to pick up all the housework/laundry/admin because he doesn’t want to and is trying to convince you to agree.

UpstartCrow · 19/04/2018 16:43

You both work the same hours except you work nights. So you never get a full nights sleep.

Your DH is being massively unreasonable. Him expecting you to do most of the housework during the day is like you expecting him to stay up all night to do it.

NapQueen · 19/04/2018 16:44

Make sure to add at least 40 hours per week of sleep to whatever you calculate.

NapQueen · 19/04/2018 16:44

Oops I meant 56.

Original poster
Wecandothisthing · 19/04/2018 16:45

When he has them on the weekend he usually takes them out for one meal each day (supermarket/soft play/cafe at the park) and cooks another. He keeps on top of the tidying and general cleaning I.e
Wiping down sides he uses, but doesn't do anything like cleaning the bathroom or hoovering. He might do one load of washing.

OP posts:
Trialsmum · 19/04/2018 16:48

Ah ok I kind of do see what he means, does he get any down time at all?

MountainPeakGeek · 19/04/2018 16:48

Him expecting you to do most of the housework during the day is like you expecting him to stay up all night to do it.

^ This!

KT63 · 19/04/2018 16:48

In which case he’s being really unfair, and isn’t factoring the lovely full nights of sleep he’s getting into his “fairness” calculator. If he did it all (properly, not just the basics) at weekends, he MAY have a point. But as it stands, no chance.

BarbarianMum · 19/04/2018 16:49

^This!

Nanny0gg · 19/04/2018 16:49

But you're not just at home!

Or does your DH stay up all night doing his share of the work?

You are not factoring in proper sleep times (as clearly you're not getting any)

NoSquirrels · 19/04/2018 16:49

So he’s not doing the equivalent of what you do? He needs to do more in end week.

Timetable it out like a PP suggests, where Weds & Thurs are your ‘weekend’ equivalent - where you do only what he does on his weekend - a meal that isn’t cooked by you or cleared up, one load of washing only if needed...

Then split out so you e d with equal rest & leisure time.