DH thinks I should do the majority of the housework as I'm home more.

[Wecandothisthing]

I work 39 hours per week, DH works 40 hours per week however, due to our working patterns I do have more time on my own at home and at home with the kids.

DH is generally sensible and does his fair share, but we can't see eye-to-eye on this issue.

E.g. I think, if the third load of washing that day finishes after he's got home from work he should do it as I've been keeping the house/kids all day and have less 'rest time' in the evenings. However, he may have a point that I should have done everything during the day. Who is unreasonable?

My working pattern: 8pm - 9am Fri - Sun nights = 39 hours. Stressful job. It's common in my line of work to not get a break or to have your break cut short. 30 minute commute each way.

DH working pattern 9:30am - 6:30pm Monday and Tuesday with an hour long lunch (on Mondays we swap preschool DD half way along his commute to work and my commute from), Weds 9-5 and Thursday and Friday 9am - 3:15pm - half an hour lunch on each of these days.

Preschool DD goes to school nursery 3 hours on Tuesday mornings and school hours Friday.

So, technically I have Monday - Friday at home (with no kids while preschool DD is at nursery) and DH is at work all week and has the kids by himself on the weekend while I sleep. However, I find it hard to do all the housework/washing/DIY/shopping/cooking in that time plus ferrying DD's to school and extra-curricular activities without feeling drained.

I think he is being unfair about the housework.

But I have to say I would have hated to be the only parent on duty with the kids at weekends - hated it - and would probably have considered I was doing way more as a result.

You work about the same number of hours. He should do about the same amount of housework as you do. You are not expecting him to get up in the middle of the night and sort out the washing, he should not expect you to do this in your night (the daytime) either.

He's being a CF.

How much time do you each have at home without children awake?

You get what, 3 hours or so a week when he's at work, you are at home, children are in preschool or asleep and you are not asleep?

Surely he gets many more hours in the weekend evenings when you are at work, he is at home, children are asleep and he is not asleep.

Is he effectively saying that his time to himself (weekend evenings) should be protected from housework but your time to yourself (weekdays when children out) should be spent doing housework?

Oops, just realised you work the weekend and he works the week. I still think he should do his half, though.

So, does he do more childcare than you because he has them all day at the weekends, or do you do more childcare because of what you do in the week?

How much leisure time do each of you get? (Not including the time that you need to sleep after a shift, obviously)

That’s a fair point about sleep actually too. I’d suggest a “strike” where you spend a week doing what he does and not a single thing more. He’ll soon realise exactly how much you already do and how tired you are. Possibly call him at 3am from work and ask if the washing is on? Or is he at the sink doing the dishes? That’ll get the point across!

I did this with exFIL who insisted on phoning repeatedly while I was sleeping off nightshirt. No amount of pleading would make him pack it in. So I did it to him, for 3 nights straight. He got the point eventually

Shift not shirt!

You must be knackered. I'm exhausted just reading this. Obviously you should not be doing 10 times as much housework as him just because you work an hour less.

Could you try to quantify how much time you spend on all of the above compared to him, and see if that helps him to see the problem? Failing that I might have a bit of a shout and/or stop washing his underwear.

Could you get a cleaner?

I find housework far easier without the children. I guess he is seeing it from the view that if you have time on your own, it is easier for you to do.

I’m not saying that is fair at all!

But, it’s hard. Does he do absolutely everything all weekend for the children while you sleep? If so then he doesn’t get too much time to himself so then it’s finding a balance. You shouldn’t be doing it all but he does a lot for the family every weekend so that has to be accounted for I guess?

That time your at home, is your sleep/rest time. If you did the chores in your rest/sleep time, you would not sleep which is essential.

Unless you count the time your husband is at home asleep as time he could be doing housework, you are not “at home during the day”. That’s your rest time. He’s being ridiculous.

He is being unfair about his expectations and the hours. I wouldn't give that house soon. OTOH I can see why he feels hard done by on the basis of having the kids by himself all weekend, and that's the bit I would most want help with, not the housework. Are you on permanent nights? Is there any prospect of things changing?

I used to work nights and I found that people (family, friends, flatmates, etc) simply could not grasp that time off during the day had to be spent sleeping and that it wasn't like having a "lazy day" or a lie-in. For some reason the fact that I had been at work all night simply didn't register - I apparently had acres of free time to get up and do things and could always "have a nap" afterwards.

Make a schedule for the week, OP and make sure that sleep, chores, childcare and downtime are allocated fairly. This will help you both have a true picture of how your time is being spent. It may turn out that your DP does need to have some child-free time scheduled, or that you need to be doing less housework. Only one way to check!

Take off an hour for yourself for every hour he is asleep at night OP, then get him to redo his calculations.

He should be doing more cleaning/housework at weekends so I would say at least one wash load every day he is in charge plus a hoover up and down and everywhere tidy. You are starting Monday behind as he is not doing the housework over the weekend - wiping a bench and filling the dishwasher don't count as they are everyday stuff.

The other thing you are forgetting is that you are doing each and every holiday as well so he is definitely under contributing.

Or does your DH stay up all night doing his share of the work?

But OP works 3 nights and has 4 days/nights at home, a lot of it to herself. Her DH has 2 days at home, with children and doing other bits and bobs.

I think he has a point (if I’ve understood your shifts correctly! If not then ignore me). I work nights too (5 or 6 nights a week) so I completely understand how it can mess your body up, but I do think there’s a big difference with having 2 and 4 days off, even if it’s the same hours.

Can you compromise that he doesn’t take the kids out one day and does one of the bigger jobs? For eg, 3 loads of washing (during which he can still rest whilst the washers on).
Or he could batch cook both meals on one day, then he has more time on the second day.

I assume you’re sleeping on his days off, so would cleaning the bathroom and vaccuming be too disruptive for him to do on these days?

Sounds familiar.

I got home at 4:45pm with the kids last night: they played out till 5pm then we went inside. DH arrived at 5:05pm and looked that I hadn't had time to make homemade pizza, we were having frozen instead.

Fairness is both of you having the same amount of childfree, chore-free time other than time spent sleeping (because sleep is essential and lack of it is dangerous).

Shift work can be very difficult a) to manage and b) to convince other people of the shift worker's need for sleep when not on shift. So perhaps one way to approach this would be to make a list of what domestic chores can either be dropped or outsourced - a bit of mess never killed anyone, and ironing is mostly unnecessary, for example. But your H appears to work one more hour per week than you do. This does not make him Overlord of the Household. You do not have to obey him regarding housework. He needs to pull his weight which would mean, as I said at the beginning, both of you getting equal leisure time.

Compare your down time. If he works Monday to Friday then has the kids Saturday and Sunday when is his downtime?

It's just easier for him if you do it all. Simple really.

Tbh it seems so petty. I am home all day. Kids all at secondary. I have been a sahm since expecting the first. We've never divvied up jobs. I do 99% of the washing, ironing is probably 75/25 split with me doing more. I cook 99% of the time and same food shopping. Dh earns 100% of the money coming in. However, if dh comes home and I've not started dinner I'll tell him and he'll cook. He'd do the food shop if I asked. Do the washing if I wasn't so fussy. Any dh who whines that the dw should do more as they have XYZ would find himself doing 100% of his washing, cooking, ironing etc. So petty and unattractive to begrudge a partner five seconds more free time than them.

You both work pretty much the same hours so you should go 50/50 on housework imo

Have a look at the flylady.net site. I did her methods (must get back on track though!) and they do work. 15 minutes a day, believe it or not. You need to remember that you do not need to live in a sterile palace. Kids and adults make mess - your home does not need to be pristine all the time (or ever!). Your house is a home and is lived in. No one ever says on their death bed 'I wish I'd cleaned up more.'!

So you are supposed to work 7 days a week so he doesn't have to do housework?

Because that's what he's saying.

And you are going to anyway, since you have the children. That in and of itself is work.