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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH thinks I should do the majority of the housework as I'm home more.

96 replies

Wecandothisthing · 19/04/2018 16:28

I work 39 hours per week, DH works 40 hours per week however, due to our working patterns I do have more time on my own at home and at home with the kids.

DH is generally sensible and does his fair share, but we can't see eye-to-eye on this issue.

E.g. I think, if the third load of washing that day finishes after he's got home from work he should do it as I've been keeping the house/kids all day and have less 'rest time' in the evenings. However, he may have a point that I should have done everything during the day. Who is unreasonable?

My working pattern: 8pm - 9am Fri - Sun nights = 39 hours. Stressful job. It's common in my line of work to not get a break or to have your break cut short. 30 minute commute each way.

DH working pattern 9:30am - 6:30pm Monday and Tuesday with an hour long lunch (on Mondays we swap preschool DD half way along his commute to work and my commute from), Weds 9-5 and Thursday and Friday 9am - 3:15pm - half an hour lunch on each of these days.

Preschool DD goes to school nursery 3 hours on Tuesday mornings and school hours Friday.

So, technically I have Monday - Friday at home (with no kids while preschool DD is at nursery) and DH is at work all week and has the kids by himself on the weekend while I sleep. However, I find it hard to do all the housework/washing/DIY/shopping/cooking in that time plus ferrying DD's to school and extra-curricular activities without feeling drained.

OP posts:

pallisers · 19/04/2018 17:17

And you are going to anyway, since you have the children. That in and of itself is work.

By that standard he also works 7 days a week because he has the children all day every weekend.

43percentburnt · 19/04/2018 17:21

It’s a hard one. What time do the children go to bed and get up? Are they reliable sleepers who go to bed easily and sleep through?

If roles were reversed would you be told you had the easier shift pattern? If you had his job, Daytime, Monday- fri behind a desk, easy shift pattern, maybe less stress. Would he say it’s easy for you to do 50% as you have every evening free and all day weekend with no interruptions of doing school pick ups or the difficulty of sleeping in the day plus your body clock being affected.

I reckon if you had his job you’d be expected to do the lions share too!

givemesteel · 19/04/2018 17:27

Seriously? His working week is what a lot of people would dream of, he's not working long hours on any day, no overtime, 30 min commute, finish early on a Fri, either me or dh would be delighted with those hours.

You on the other hand have to work nights over a weekend which has got to be the most unpopular shift pattern for anyone, most people wouldn't consider it, I wouldn't.

You've got by far the worst deal, and so you should definitely not be doing more housework,should be 50/50 at the most.

mrsm43s · 19/04/2018 17:33

Are you saying that on days when you've been at home all day, and he has been working that you shouldn't do anything during the day or in the evening, and he should work all day and then come home and do the chores in the evening? As well as looking after the children all weekend? Because that doesn't seem fair to me. Neither does it seem fair to me that you do all the chores and he doesn't do any at all. You need to make sure you both have adequate sleep time and you both have adequate work free/child free/chore free downtime.

I think that your work pattern means that you have significantly more work free and child free time than your husband (due to nursery hours), and as a result you should probably pick up a bit more housework. But surely there's not enough to fill 4 full days? So pick 2 days that you do chores while your DD is at nursery, and 2 days that you don't. All evening tasks should be joint when you are both at home, and DH's on the days that you are working.

Moreisnnogedag · 19/04/2018 17:38

Can I just check - you work three nights fri/sat/sun so taking out Friday and Monday daytime you have Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday at home?

On Tuesday, DD is at nursery but home with you the rest of the two days, but the other child(ren) are at school.

Your DH is out Mon-Friday and on the weekend has the dc all day. I take it there is some element of him keeping them quiet/out the house so you can sleep. I'm guessing you wouldn't be thrilled if he started hoovering/cleaning upstairs.

I think I'm actually with your DH here. It'd be easier if you did the noisy jobs in the week with just toddler rather than him on the weekend with all of them but not waking you.

Mightymucks · 19/04/2018 17:38

I don’t think this is sustainable or fair on either of you and I think one of you needs to think about changing hours if at all possible.

He’s working full time, coming home and doing housework in the evening and looking after the kids all weekend while you’re asleep. You’re only free a few hours a week.

You working such different shifts sounds totally unsustainable because you are hardly ever at home at the same time to give each other a break and get on with other things. And you must never see each other and be like ships passing in the night.

You must both be completely knackered. As you never work at the same time, would it be possible to invest in some child care so both of you can have some downtime where the kids are elsewhere?

I notice that the only time your home is entirely childfree are both during your time at home and never during his. I think you probably need one of you to find new hours, or you need to find some weekend childcare/clubs so he has a few hours alone too.

I don’t think you can do what you’re doing long term and function as a family when you are both home together so rarely and when you are you’re either doing housework or asleep.

Usernamechecksout · 19/04/2018 17:44

Basically you have four days at home (not four days off!) and he’s got two. That’s 6 in total. So to divide housework fairly, you could do 2/3 of the housework and him 1/3. Make a list of all the chores that need doing, divide equally and make a strict schedule everyone sticks to.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2018 17:47

Your husband is a big fucking baby.

cornflakegirl · 19/04/2018 17:49

I think from the information you've given that you only have Tuesday mornings child-free at a time when he is working and that isn't scheduled for sleeping? And he has Fri / Sat / Sun evenings under the same circumstances? So it doesn't feel like you have more free time than him.

You probably need to have a chat about what chores should reasonably be done whilst looking after a preschooler (and also whilst looking after both children). You could park the children in front of the telly and get loads done, or spend all day actively engaging them and do nothing. It should be a joint decision about what is right for your family, and then you can discuss the implications for what will need to be done in the weekday evenings.

Woshambo · 19/04/2018 17:54

We are similar, I do 4 10hr night shifts and my partner works 8am - 4pm Mon to Fri. He thinks I should do all the house work. I do what I can and if he complains Now I just tell him to do it him fucking self.
I was like u and convinced OH was right. He's not.

Dungeondragon15 · 19/04/2018 17:54

If anything I think he should do more than you. You both work the same hours but you must be tired if your sleeping patterns are so irregular. He doesn't get up in the night to look after the children/do housework so why should you?

camelliasinensis · 19/04/2018 17:56

Not necessarily relevant but when do you spend time as a family - as all of you? That would be my main issue with myself & DH working these hours.

Dancingleopard · 19/04/2018 17:58

Well if he told you to get some washing done when you came home from a night shift would you do it??

If your in the house and your not working that night just do what needs doing. If shit needs doing at the weekend then he should just do it.

I don’t get this ‘rest time’ and not being able to do chores when the kids are there.

The way I read it you have free/rest time during the day when the kids are at school. What the fuck even is rest time ? I have three DD and don’t have time for ‘rest time’ unless it’s that part of day when every one goes bed??

How many hours in a day do you need to work/clean up/rest time/sleep ?

Littlechocola · 19/04/2018 18:09

We have similar here. I work 4 x 10 hour nights. DP works Monday to Friday 9-5.
I’d say that I do 3/4 the house/children.
He’s pretty good at realising that my days are actually my nights post shift.
Maybe write a him/her list including childcare and household tasks. Show him and let him add to it if he disagrees.

willynillypie · 19/04/2018 18:14

I don't really understand this - it seems like your husband gets 0 free time because he works and then has the children alone all weekend, plus with you and them during evenings. However you work all weekend and have all week free, without the children for the most part. This doesn't seem fair at all. I realise you need to sleep, but what about the rest of the day when the children aren't home? Sounds like DH has a lot less free time than you, unless I am missing something, because over the weekend he is solely responsible for the children.

Dancingleopard · 19/04/2018 18:18

little post shift for op would only run till Monday. From Tuesday - Thursday she has plenty of time by herself

expatinscotland · 19/04/2018 18:19

'He thinks I should do all the house work. I do what I can and if he complains Now I just tell him to do it him fucking self.'

Of course he does. What a twat.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 19/04/2018 18:19

When do you sleep Mondays to Friday?

eddielizzard · 19/04/2018 18:21

50/50 on housework. easy for him to put a load of washing on while dealing with the kids. your shift work must be punishing. i imagine you'd need to sleep some of the time you're child free.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 19/04/2018 18:24

If your in the house and your not working that night just do what needs doing. If shit needs doing at the weekend then he should just do it.

But surely she needs to sleep?

Enko · 19/04/2018 18:40

I would say

Saturday Sunday He does ALL the housework (and look after the kids)
Friday, Monday (days OP needs to part sleep) they split them 50/50
and Tuesday Wed Thursday Op does ALL the housework (and look after the kids)
A slight more all house work for op on her days but I think this is offset to the fact dh doesn't get any down time.

HOwever a chore list needs to be set up with agreed what is ALL the housework. This needs to be stuck too.

CackleCrackle · 19/04/2018 18:42

I tend to agree with pallisers dp travels a lot of weekends, it’s hard always being on your own with kids at the weekend, you feel more out of place seeing other families.

It can’t be right that you do all the housework, when you work similar hours, even leaving aside the huge factor of night shifts.

It’s hard to see things from the other’s point of view when you have such different experiences of work.

Ollivander84 · 19/04/2018 18:48

50/50. Forget the actual days, you are working the same hours but yours are compressed and more bloody tiring

Tapasandwine · 19/04/2018 19:03

Both of you work full time. When not working both of you are looking after the children, cleaning the house etc, but clearly you are doing a lot more than him and not really sleeping.

Why is he keeping score? It’s not a competition and actually he’s being bit of an entitled plonker about it. If he wants something done let him do it.

sashh · 19/04/2018 19:06

So if you went and booked into a hotel to sleep would he do any housework?

You are expected to do housework when you have the kids but he isn't? Tell him where to go, just because you are in the house doesn't mean you are sitting around does it?

I'd be tempted to look after myself and the kids but not cook anything for him, not wash or iron anything and when he complains tell him he is cooking and washing for one person, you are doing it for 3, and the other housework.

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